Keepin' It Class-y
Since I'm a college student, sometimes I go to class. While occasionally I can pat myself on the back for entering and exiting a lecture without making a total ass of myself, more often what happens is I make a total ass of myself. I put the ASS in clASS. If ridiculous, hilarious awkward moments were magnets, I would be a gigantic, metal wall made of the most metallic of all metals that reads "COME AT ME, BRO."
If you have a similar problem, you're about to feel a lot better about yourself. #Schadenfreude
Here are just a few examples of the wonderfully uncomfortable moments I've had whilst learning:
1. One time in English 101, we were working on a surprise in-class essay (I know, I can't believe that's a thing, either). There was a random guy next to me who I've never spoken to. Out of nowhere, in dead silence, he farts. Like, this high-pitched toot fart. It was seriously musical. Like spiritual, angel flatulence. And it went on for a solid ten seconds, at least. Then, without even looking at me, the guy hilariously whispers, "Don't judge me." I judged him a little bit.
2. It was Halloween, and my really intimidating high school Chem teacher decided it would be fun to tell us ghost stories. She turned off the lights and shined a flashlight under her face and everything. She was right in the middle of probably the creepiest fucking story on this Earth about wiji boards and closets and incest and I was pretty much on the edge of my seat desperate for it to be over. Little did I know that through the whole story, one of my friends was slowly sneaking across the room, over to behind my desk. At the most intense, nerve-wrecking part of the tale, he grabs my shoulders from behind and screams, "BOO!" Mother. FUCKER. I have never screamed louder in my life. Or come closer to peeing myself in fear. GAHHHH.
3. My American Lit teacher has us pass around an attendance sheet to sign and make sure we're not being wild hoodlums skipping class. One day I was the last person to receive the sign-in sheet and went after class was over to give my teacher the sheet. I handed it to him... and gave him a paper cut. The odds of this happening are literally .000005/100 so I literally just don't understand. Do teachers mark down your grade if you injure them?
4. This one technically happened to my friend, but I love the story too much to leave it out. We were in Hebrew 105, and my friend doodled a guitar that looked unusually similar to a starfish. Somehow this led to him to deciding that I'm going to be in a band that consists of sea creature instruments. Starfish guitars, narwhal basses. You know, the usual things that normal people draw... While this was happening, our professor was going around checking homework. She reached my artistically creative friend and noticed his masterpiece before he could turn to his actual homework. "Are those...musical instruments?" she asked. "...They're ocean-themed." Lolz all around.
5. In the same class where I sliced my professor with a single piece of paper, a girl was reading a passage aloud. Now, in this class, there are convenient shelf-like things in front of every seat, so everyone has their phone out. I have literally no idea how this happened. I'm so severely technologically-incompetent and have no fucking clue how to work my iPhone. I have yet to figure out how to work Siri, yet somehow, right during this poor girl's reading, my phone beeps obnoxiously loudly and then Siri cries out, "Sorry, I'm not sure what you said!" Ugh, come on. Siri-ously?
LOLZ GET IT?
I'M THE FUNNIEST. BWAH.
Those are just a few examples of the absurdity that follows my academic career. Maybe someday I'll share some more adventures, because I will definitely have more. Many, many more.