La La La Words.

Where the preposterous, occasionally logical rambles in my head escape to.

[lalalawords]

We're Wordless Beings, Yo

Good evening, human! Hey, since you're a human and I'm a human, listen to this fun fact. Studies show that 95% percent of humanity's problems involve a lack of genuine communication. (By 'studies' I mean my angsty little brain. But you get it.)

But seriously though, what is the purpose of words if we don't use them to say what we really feel? Without speaking our minds, we're just making noise and being unhappy. Could you imagine how much easier life would be if people were just honest all the time?

If you could walk straight up to a guy or girl you like and just say, "Hey, you're a really awesome person! I'd love to date you!" Maybe such a bold move would end in rejection, but what's a three-second rejection compared to x amount of days/months/years pining and wondering over this person, in the grand scheme of things??

Getting a little sidetracked, but sometimes I wonder about people who are anti-gay marriage or whatever and like, if they have any gay friends or relatives and what in the fuck these people SAY to the gay folks in their life. Not trying to turn this into a political thing, opinions are opinions, but how do you look someone you know/love in the eye and say, "Yo, bro, I don't think you deserve love as much as erryone else. Sucks to suck. BYEEEE." I mean, how is such a situation handled? Is it handled at all? Is lying involved? Probably.

Why can't everyone just chill the fuck out, hug each other and watch How I Met Your Mother? If I could host a World-Wide, Everyone-On-The-Planet-Is-Invited party, I would, and that's what we would do. And maybe eat all the junk food ever. And snapchat each other from across the room.

Doesn't that sound so much better than this dumb fuck game we're playing, where we manipulate each other and sacrifice our own happiness every single day?

UMMMMM YES.

The reason this blog is called La La La Words is because that phrase is what my friend says when he trips over his thoughts and doesn't say the right things. But I love it because every sentence should be a lalalawords sentence. We shouldn't have to censor ourselves in that way for the sake of others and in sacrifice of our own sanity.

And even if our lalalawords cause us to make a mistake or hurt somebody, we always have more words available to say we're sorry and make things better. Words make things better.

I will always believe it is better to say too much than not enough. 

[lalalawords]

Note To Selves (Sometimes, I am Serious)

To the restless dreamer who's followed her heart and run into walls, over needles, off of cliffs.

To the kind soul that takes time out of life's mad dash to the finish line to reach into his backpack and take out a dollar and place it into the lives of the needy. And walks away smiling.

To the mother who spends minutes upon hours upon hours in a car and falls asleep on the couch out of sheer exhaustion of not once, not once, thinking of herself today, and only of her babies. (Babies in high chairs, babies in lecture halls, it's all the same)

To the father who barrels through work to get home to his family.

To the friend who notices the soft, sad lines in another friend's face and goes to buy her a cupcake on a whim.

To the broken heart that still drags herself up for class at ungodly hours despite being weighed down by the words and moments and people that so cruelly let her down.

To the cautious, head-over-heels boy who was just a little bit too late.

To the burned, reborn from discarded ashes of a self that allowed others to tear them down.

To the girl who lies about her weight on cardio machines, in case somebody is looking.

To the child that runs dry and lives warily and grows up too quickly.

To the writer who thinks his utterly breathtaking words are too ordinary to be valuable.

To shadow dwellers that crave warmth but fear the sun.

To the warrior who fights his demons. Always and alone.

To the self-proclaimed background noise who apologizes for herself.

To the half who can't find the other.

To the half who lost the other.

To you.

You deserve joy.

Joy that vibrates rooftops and bursts through clouds and wraps you in its arms on the most frigid of evenings. Joy that allows you to squeeze your eyes shut when you laugh and smile with your teeth when you cry.

You deserve joy.

Joy that shares the last warm chocolate chip cookie with you, that splashes through puddles with you in the pouring rain. That listens patiently when you grace the air with thoughts and feelings and dreams that are all your own.

You deserve joy.

Grasp that hand that is held out for you. Hold your hand out to others.

Never tell yourself that what you feel is wrong.

Breathe.

Let yourself be. 

You deserve joy.

You're a survivor. You've made it through everything this glorious, devastating journey called life has thrown at you. You have been knocked down, tossed aside, branded, shattered, lost, and jaded, but you're still here.

You're still here.

You deserve joy.

You deserve joy.

Believe it.

[lalalawords]

You Give Couples A Bad Name

...is how the Bon Jovi song should actually go. No offense, Jon. I love your work. Keep it up! 

In the aftermath of Hurricane Valentine's Day, I've been around a whole lot of couples-need-to-get-the-fuck-out themed conversations. I've admittedly had my share of comments. We can't help it. The human default setting upon witnessing other people's sunshiney happiness is to hate our own lives. 

But here's what I've noticed: we don't hate every couple on Earth. We root for individuals to get together on TV shows. We sometimes cry joyously at weddings. We think babies are cute.

The majority of us are pro-love. Ultimately, we don't want to live in a world where everybody hates on each other. That would be terrible. But we also don't want to live in a world where everyone loves and is loved except for us, because that would be terrible, too. Our feelings are so contradicting of themselves that it's hard to figure out how we really view relationships.

Guess what though? I've figured out whose fault it is!

Just like every human being is different, every couple is different. And just like we either enjoy or dislike a person's company, we enjoy or dislike the company of certain couples. Some couples are really good at life and managing themselves and don't make us feel like crap, which is fabulous.

Aaaaaand then there's all the other ones.

Let's rate some people in their couple-dom on a scale of Leave to Thanks For Not Being Awful. 

Single Person: Hey, what's up?

Person in Relationship: Not too much! How are you doing?

Thanks For Not Being Awful!

Single Person: Hey, what's up?

Person in Relationship: Not too much! I'm literally in love with my girlfriend. Isn't being in a relationship fantastic? Not that you'd know LAWLZ

Leave.

Single Person: Did you have a good time on your date last night?

Person in Relationship: Yeah! It was really fun. Insert-Boyfriends-Name-Here bought me flowers, and it made me really happy!

Single Person: Aw, that's great! I really cared about how it went and that's why I asked, so now I'm glad for you!

Thanks For Not Being Awful!

Single Person: My cat died today.

Person in Relationship: That sucks. Anyways, since hearing about my love life will definitely soothe the grief of your loss, today Insert-Boyfriends-Name and I both breathed at the same time! It was, like, super romantic!

Leave.

Single Person: Wanna get lunch today?

Person in Relationship: Sure! I value your friendship as well as my self outside of my relationship, so that sounds good!

Thanks For Not Being Awful!

Single Person: Wanna get lunch today?

Person in Relationship: Sure, except can I bring my girlfriend so we can giggle at each other and leave you out of every conversation because I have no identity outside of my relationship and can't bear to be apart from Insert-Clingy-Girlfriend's-Name for even one meal?

Leave.

Single Person: So what'd you do today?

Person in Relationship: The usual! Had class, had lunch with Insert-Boyfriend's-Name, went to the library, played guitar... what about you?

Thanks For Not Being Awful!

Single Person: So what'd you do today?

Person in Relationship: The usual! Hung out with my boyfriend, Insert-Boyfriend's-Name. Who's my boyfriend. And he called me pretty, because he's my boyfriend. I have a boyfriend, in case you were wondering!!!! I'm not lonely like you!!!

Go fuck yourself.

Oops, I think I broke my scale with that last one. It was like Awful Couple Obesity. That conversation needs two seats on a plane because it is so fat in terribleness.

To the couples of the world: We want to be happy for you, we really do. But if you see yourself or your relationship in any of the examples rated "Leave," leave. You're doing it wrong, and we hate you!

Photo Source: http://www.lolvirgin.com

[lalalawords]

Keepin' It Class-y

Since I'm a college student, sometimes I go to class. While occasionally I can pat myself on the back for entering and exiting a lecture without making a total ass of myself, more often what happens is I make a total ass of myself. I put the ASS in clASS. If ridiculous, hilarious awkward moments were magnets, I would be a gigantic, metal wall made of the most metallic of all metals that reads "COME AT ME, BRO."

If you have a similar problem, you're about to feel a lot better about yourself. #Schadenfreude

Here are just a few examples of the wonderfully uncomfortable moments I've had whilst learning:

1. One time in English 101, we were working on a surprise in-class essay (I know, I can't believe that's a thing, either). There was a random guy next to me who I've never spoken to. Out of nowhere, in dead silence, he farts. Like, this high-pitched toot fart. It was seriously musical. Like spiritual, angel flatulence. And it went on for a solid ten seconds, at least. Then, without even looking at me, the guy hilariously whispers, "Don't judge me." I judged him a little bit.

2. It was Halloween, and my really intimidating high school Chem teacher decided it would be fun to tell us ghost stories. She turned off the lights and shined a flashlight under her face and everything. She was right in the middle of probably the creepiest fucking story on this Earth about wiji boards and closets and incest and I was pretty much on the edge of my seat desperate for it to be over. Little did I know that through the whole story, one of my friends was slowly sneaking across the room, over to behind my desk. At the most intense, nerve-wrecking part of the tale, he grabs my shoulders from behind and screams, "BOO!" Mother. FUCKER. I have never screamed louder in my life. Or come closer to peeing myself in fear. GAHHHH.

3. My American Lit teacher has us pass around an attendance sheet to sign and make sure we're not being wild hoodlums skipping class. One day I was the last person to receive the sign-in sheet and went after class was over to give my teacher the sheet. I handed it to him... and gave him a paper cut. The odds of this happening are literally .000005/100 so I literally just don't understand. Do teachers mark down your grade if you injure them?

4. This one technically happened to my friend, but I love the story too much to leave it out. We were in Hebrew 105, and my friend doodled a guitar that looked unusually similar to a starfish. Somehow this led to him to deciding that I'm going to be in a band that consists of sea creature instruments. Starfish guitars, narwhal basses. You know, the usual things that normal people draw... While this was happening, our professor was going around checking homework. She reached my artistically creative friend and noticed his masterpiece before he could turn to his actual homework. "Are those...musical instruments?" she asked. "...They're ocean-themed." Lolz all around.

5. In the same class where I sliced my professor with a single piece of paper, a girl was reading a passage aloud. Now, in this class, there are convenient shelf-like things in front of every seat, so everyone has their phone out. I have literally no idea how this happened. I'm so severely technologically-incompetent and have no fucking clue how to work my iPhone. I have yet to figure out how to work Siri, yet somehow, right during this poor girl's reading, my phone beeps obnoxiously loudly and then Siri cries out, "Sorry, I'm not sure what you said!"  Ugh, come on. Siri-ously?

LOLZ GET IT?

I'M THE FUNNIEST. BWAH.

Those are just a few examples of the absurdity that follows my academic career. Maybe someday I'll share some more adventures, because I will definitely have more. Many, many more.

[lalalawords]

Puppies and Blogging > Homework. Forever.

I have an essay due tomorrow at 5 PM. I've been at it for the past 45 minutes and thought I was being decently productive. Then I looked at my Recent Internet History.

  As you can tell, I have the academic attention span of a goldfish.

I am a loud and proud procrastinator. I live and breathe the Art of procro. I don't even watch my favorite TV shows on time. My roommate says I always procrastinate and then procrastinate even more by complaining about how I always procrastinate. Which is probably true. Except I just realized something.

Procrastinating isn't really any different from doing homework like a normal person. I can prove it! Mathematically! I'm about to blow your mind right now, just wait for it...

OKAY SO, let's say you've got a 10-paged paper to write. Actually, ew, jokes, I hate that example. it reminds me of the shit I still have to do.

OKAY SO, let's say you've got a 35-paged chapter to read for your Psychocommunobiochemicalbanana Studies class, and you've got a week to do so. 

Here's how a non-procro might get 'er done:

Day 1: 5 pages. Day 2: 5 pages. Day 3: 5 pages. Day 4: 5 pages. Day 5: 5 pages. Day 6: 5 pages. Day 7: 5 pages.

Here's how a procro like myself would absolutely get 'er done:

Day 1: 0 pages. Day 2: 0 pages. Day 3: 0 pages. Day 4: 0 pages. Day 5: 0 pages. Day 6: 0 pages. Day 7: 35 pages!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!

The thing is, the non-procro way might look more productive, but in the end, the same amount of pages is being read. The same amount of work is being done. The same amount of time spent dicking around is happening. Because although 5+5+5+5+5+5+5=35, 0+0+0+0+0+0+35 also = 35. BITCHES AND HOES.

Sooooo next time you feel bad about watching obnoxious amounts of cute animal videos or belting almost every Kelly Clarkson song in your room or watching wet paint dry instead of doing your schoolwork, just remember: As long as you get it done eventually, who gives a fuck?

No one! 

PROCROS UNITE... TOMORROW. OR PROBABLY NEVER BECAUSE WE LIKE TO SLEEP IN ON THE WEEKENDS.

[lalalawords]

How To Stop/Never Start Liking Your Best Guy Friend

I don't know about you people, but I have this problem where whenever I truly like a guy, it's almost always one of my close friends.

It's because I do this super weird thing where I actually care about personality and common interest and all that fun stuff (What? Blasphemy!) Looks aren't completely obsolete (like, if a guy's face looks like a swollen butt, it may scare me off), but what's inside counts so much more for me - like, actually, though, I'm being serious!

I'll be the first to admit to being wary when it comes to boys. I can't just release my feelings like the fucking Krakken. These things take time for me. How much time, you're wondering? Around the same amount it takes to develop a semi-functional, co-dependent friendship. You know, the kind where your friend (who happens to have a penis) comes to you for advice and listens to your problems and shows you awesome new music and goes on lunch dates with you and does small favors for you for no apparent reason and just weirdly genuinely enjoys being around you. And at first I'm like, "Whatever, we're friends, it's casual," except somewhere along the line I can't shake the wondering, you know? Like, just why? I can barely fathom that anyone would actually willingly spend time with me and my awkwardness and my (lovable?) neurotic nature, much less a guy, with better things (girls) to do. So of course my thoughts progress to something more like:

"Oh-my-god-he's-just-so-caring-and-I-feel-so-safe-and-comfortable-and-fuzzy-around-him-and-he-values-my-opinion-and-if-I-was-crying-in-the-middle-of-the-night-with-sad-music-in-the-background-I-could-totally-see-him-appearing-outside-my-door-just-when-I-need-him-most-and-magically-playing-guitar-even-though-he-never-learned-how-to-holy-shit-I-think-I'm-in-love-with-him-we're-meant-to-be-I-want-to-tell-the-whole-world-but-he's-my-good-friend-what-if-I-fuck-things-up-angst-angst-angst-all-the-angst!"

As far as I know, I have NEVER been correct in these feelings. Not even once. And I really could've used a blog post like this for all the times I've fallen into love flat on my face. Unfortunately, a blog post like this has yet to exist. But it will now. Listen up, my dears.

I'm guessing if you're reading this, you either have unwanted, life-consuming non-friendshippy feelings for one of your close guy friends, or you know what that hellhole is like and are ready to take the necessary preventative measures. Congrats. Don't worry, I'm here to save you. If you're looking to stop liking or never start liking said best friend, all you've got to do is remember one simple thing:

That he is so fucking annoying.

My close guy friends are a remarkable cross between the brother I never wanted and the child I never birthed that somehow exists in my life anyway. I love them to death, but they can be so unbelievably stupid. Like, all the time, forever. Thinking about the boys in your life under these terms makes it pretty easy to not want their dicks. PROBLEM SOLVED.

Here are some examples of annoying/stupid things my guy friends have for reals done. Granted, I have never had feelings for most of these boys (although a few I have, like I said), but I'm sure sometime somewhere some other girl has had or does have feelings for similar idiots. Hopefully my occurrences will help you think of your own and, eventually, get over this guy and not end up friendzoned harder than Helga Pataki.

(To the boys in my life, if you're reading this: Just because I occasionally want to punch you in the face doesn't mean I don't value our friendship. Love you guys!)

1. When asked to throw out his garbage in his own room (because my trash can was already filled with his trash), Boy A left it outside my door.

2. Boy B went 80 MPH down a 30 MPH road in suburban New York while driving me home, for the sole purpose of scaring the shit out of me.

3. Whenever Boy C drops something on the ground, he makes obnoxious whining sounds until somebody else picks it up.

4. Boy D called me while I was out for pizza and bothered me until I agreed to pick up boneless wings for him. And then he complained about the sauce I chose.

5. Immediately after having sex with some girl, Boy E pulled out his iPod and blasted "I Just Had Sex," by Lonely Island. And sang along.

6. No matter what the topic or who the person is, Boy F takes at least 24 hours to respond to a text message. Even from his mom. I'm pretty sure he would screen a text from Batman given the chance.

7. Boy G told me, "I'm like herpes. I'll never leave."

8. To get my attention, Boy H whacks me on the shoulder over and over and goes, "NYUHHHHHH!" Sometimes he continues even after I'm paying attention.

9. Boy I doesn't actually listen to anything everyone says; he just waits 'til he can talk. Or he interrupts.

10. Boy K uses the word 'legend' to describe even the most mundane things. C'mon, dude, if everything is 'legend', nothing is. Also 'legend' is a noun. Respect my English minor, bitch!

11. Boy L is just totally, completely oblivious. Hold up a neon sign that screams "I LOVE YOU" and all he sees are pretty lights. Dummyface.

12. One time, I was choking, and Boy M laughed his ass off while I almost died.

The point here isn't to make you "hate" your guy friend. Because how could you? If you could hate him as a person you wouldn't have fallen for him in the first place. The point is to knock him off the pedestal you've placed him on in your life. Yeah, he's a nice guy, and yeah, you want to keep on being his friend, but if he doesn't see how beautiful you are (it's true, inside and out), then he doesn't deserve the exhausting amount of mental and emotional time and energy you spend on him. He's not the just-imperfect-enough-to-be-perfect boy you've built him up to be in your mind. He's not going to magically appear at your window with a guitar because he's probably hanging out with his friends or playing video games, totally ignorant to your emotional turmoil, because he's a normal human being.  Like everybody, he does things and possesses qualities that are undesirable and could make him a not-so-great person to date. In many ways, you're better off the way things are. Let some other girl put up with him 24/7. Wait for someone who loves you back. Contrary to what you believe, he's out there. And he'll be worth it.

I know you might feel alone wallowing in your unrequited feelings, but I promise you, millions upon millions of girls have endured the same sort of shit as you and have come out stronger and wiser and lovelier. And you will, too.

[lalalawords]

The more boys I meet, the more I love my dog. -Carrie Underwood

[lalalawords]

First Words.

It's come to my attention recently that I've got a shitload that I want to say. Of course, this seemingly obvious revelation doesn't really distinguish me much from the rest of humanity. But still. I sit in a lecture hall or stand on line at Dunkin Donuts or pass by the mass of students crossing the street the opposite way I am and I just feel things and notice things and wonder about things. Sometimes I get so invested in my own inner ramblings that I bang into unimpressed strangers or, yeah, almost get run over by drivers who like to cruise down 30 mph roads at 70 mph for funsies. Apparently in Delaware "right-of-way" is a myth. My point is, for my personal safety as well as the safety of those around me, I think it's time my words leave my head and enter the world.

Then again, such an action might be a safety hazard in and of itself.

Oh, well. Too late now!