#rilieyrambles

[wilted-magnolia]

I’m Rich (not really)

I recently was given a very large box of makeup by a friend who no longer has an interest in wearing it. I did some math and only counting 4 Urban Decay products I have $165 dollars worth of makeup. I feel blessed

[wilted-magnolia]

I'm too far gone

My entire birthday wish list is Gravity Falls related Guys I'm in too deep

[wilted-magnolia]

Life of an electronic fan

Someone: *hears what I'm listening to* Oh man I love dubstep!!!

Me: *rolls eyes into space*

[wilted-magnolia]

I am...

I am disorder. I am chaos. I am a slave to the disorders that constantly constrict me and keep me from being a part of this world like everyone else. I am wigs. I am constantly hiding from everyone I know and pretending, always pretending that I am okay. I am not okay, and I don't know when I last felt okay. I am pushing always pushing never resting always FIGHTING. I am depression, I am sad and I am not me. I am Effexor, and I haven't known who I am since I began this. I am drowning. Drowning in the thoughts that this damned medication is supposed to free me of. I am a hospital visit in 2012. I am hurting myself to try and feel better but only feeling worse. I am alone. I am not eating and I am afraid to ask for help. I am scared. Scared of those around me and what they would think if they only knew the things that rattle around in my mind and why I often cry for seemingly no reason. I am hopeless and I am wishing every day that I didn't wake up and dread every second of the day to come. I am dying. We are all dying but I feel like I'm dying faster than others. I'm always, always trying not to think about it but every day I FEEL my body falling apart and I know, I KNOW that I will die before everyone I love because I am already dead.

[wilted-magnolia]

i need to stop swallowing my problems... i really should see a therapist because bottling myself up only ends one way and i dont want to go back to the hospital

[wilted-magnolia]

My personal posts return

I dunno this is gunna be mushy and romantic but I’m having a lot of feelings that need to be shared. It’s been almost 2 months but god they've been amazing. From going out at midnight to get milkshakes (then remembering not much is open at 12 am) to playing an intense game of chess, it all means a lot to me because my past relationships have been so shitty that I guess i just expect people to treat me like garbage? But then there xe is... a smiling face among all the disappointed ones that surround me constantly. And like being with them makes everything I’ve been scared to do- seem so easy. I guess its just that they give me this feeling of safety and that definitely has contributed to my recent decline in self loathing.  Wow if that was too mushy for you then don’t read on bc its about to get worse. Often my mind set is “everything happens for a reason” and that includes meeting people. So far in my life that has been almost entirely negative (save a few people like my ex Connor, or going into the hospital, or my ex PJ). But everything bad has brought me to where I am now and it’s “given” me this wonderful person as a kind of gift for holding on this long. I’m trying so hard not to ruin it though, I like xem so much, and I really want them in my life for a long time, so I can’t go fucking it up like always...

[wilted-magnolia]

wow look more of me rambling and being dumb

things are starting to be okay. I was really upset for a few days there because I didn't make it into the school I wanted but there's this one person in my life right now that makes that okay...like I spend time with them and I forget that I was upset in the first place. They make me smile like a huge dork, honestly I’m getting smile lines. Honestly, I know they wont see this but they mean the world to me and I appreciate everything they do for me. Even if it is just listening to music or watching silly vines. I mean for fucks sake in two days we’ll have been together for a month when it feels like days. And I also know that we will not have everyone’s support because we are in a...special... situation but I know that they are who makes me the happiest and that's what matters. Thank you

[wilted-magnolia]

Tbh you can just ignore this

Sorry that I’m rambling i just want to shit some emotions into words for a bit. School is the mos stressful thing in my life besides my mother. I go to school and feel like I’m never good enough or that i need to try a million times harder but at the end of the day my depression takes away all my motivation to try to i end up sleeping on the ouch for hours because that's the only thing i have energy to do. Tomorrow my mom is having me go talk to my counselor to see what help she can provide me with. But honestly its gotten to the point where i wake up in a panic because i saw my grades in a dream. And to be frank i blame my mom for all this stress. She constantly is on my case about my grades but when i need help she says shes busy or doesn't even say anything but isn't home. Constantly she spends an entire weekend at her boyfriends with out even telling me. The only way i know if she’s coming home or not is if her makeup is in her drawer. Things like that make me so upset with her, because then she pulls a double standard and says i cant have sleep overs with boys (or genetically males). I feel like I’m rambling but I’m honestly so stressed out by her and the things she does. I really wish i could move back in with my grandma but she lives in Florida now and I've recently met someone who has changed my whole life and i don't know if i couldn't honestly leave them. Rant over i guess but there may be more later.