#rip peyton

[howdystrvnger]

To Peyton

Wow. The big 5. 5 years is a long time. I really have been expecting it to get easier and in some ways it has, but without mom here to take me and Liz to see you, I’ve been really fucked up today. I talked to Liz for a bit but her meds make her so tired, I don’t even know how to cope. Its literally mom all over again but with our little space princess. Its just really hard. I don’t know how to take it ever. I don’t know how to feel or what to think or what to do…I just miss you guys. But hey, this year you get to spend it with one of your idols. I was going to write to you when he passed, but I knew you would want to meet him on your own, no surprises. Even though I guess his passing was kind of surprising, being apart of one of our favorite bands. I just can’t imagine LP without him. You must have known this whole time…can you see when we die? Can you see the numbers above our heads? Can you see how and when? I really want to know mine but I also want to know Liz’s. Do I go before her? Does she have to live without all of us and figure out life on her own? Or does she go before me? Do I have to learn how to cope all over again? I know you know that I picked up smoking again, and I’m sure you know that I promised it’d be my last pack…but you know it probably won’t be. Its just…so calming. I need the calm to function these days. I guess its better than drinking, right? I’m not embarrassing myself or hurting those I love anymore. I don’t know what to do, man. I vowed I wouldn’t pick up the blade or the bottle and I’m almost out of smokes…what do I do? I can’t think of anything that gives me the same feeling as the feeling of knowing I’m not here for the long run. Maybe that’s a terrible way to come at this post. Maybe I’m making this about me. But I really think you know…and I just need answers. I miss you so much. I just really need you these days. I’m getting so old…I wonder what you think about it. I wonder how you’re doing wherever you are. I wonder what you’re up to and who you’re with. I just never stop thinking about you. There’s a lot going on lately and I just really wish you could see it all unfold. Remember when we talked about the nazis coming back and we would make a bunker and hide in it? Welp. Fun fact. Nazis never went away and I just really wish we could be in that bunker. Eating cookies and drinking hi-c. I know this is really out of order and everything but you probably knew what I was going to say before I did. Spirits work that way. Is your spirit still at the house? Do you haunt the new family that lives there? Or are you with all of your stuff, packed away in boxes in a storage unit, waiting for me to take you with me when I move out? I don’t know. I guess we’ll find out eventually. Just stay away from mom’s china, okay? She really loves that china set.

I love you so so soooo much, brother. Stay strong for me. I’ll talk to you soon.

[honestalgernon]

“I fought with all I had, a battle led by heart and faith. I fought till I had nothing. How do you restart without a heart or faith?? Now lost, broken and with no direction, I often wonder if I should have quit, while I had something left in the tank.” ― Terry Houchin

Old pain has been revisited by new pain, and both are come at a hard time. And both have bitten deeply and drag heavy at any soul I have left. I’ve always been of the mind that you keep going at any cost. But at what time is the cost so overwhelming, so great that you eye more closely the benefit of capitulation?

[howdystrvnger]

To Peyton

4 years today, buddy. Its still one of the hardest days of my life. I feel like next year will be slightly harder, but we’ll take one day at a time. 4 years…wow. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I know you didn’t mean this much harm to me, I know you didn’t want this afterlife. I forgive you, P. After a lot of debate and interpersonal arguments, I forgive you. Maybe I don’t agree with what happened and maybe I’m still really upset but I forgive you. You did what you thought was right and obviously you had this planned for a while. You felt like this was your only option. I forgive you. I was in the ER this morning for my heart arrhythmia and all I could think about was “maybe this is the day it just stops and I’ll get to see him again.” I knew it was really selfish and I shouldn’t have thought it but I couldn’t help it. I really miss you so much. I’m fine for now, I’m going back on those chalky meds from when we were kids that make me feel slow but I’ll be fine. If these don’t work this time, they’re gonna put in a pacemaker. That would mean no more drumline. And you know that drumline is my life…I dont know what I’m going to do. I’m really lost. I’m lost on a lot of things, to be honest. I just really miss having you here. I miss having someone to talk to. I miss having someone I can count on and someone I can trust. I just miss you. I know you can’t come home but I really wish you could. I wish I could see that smile one more or time or hear your infectious laugh. Or receive one of your amazing hugs. I just miss you so much. I won’t be getting a call from Liz or mom today and that probably makes this a lot harder because I always talk with them in the morning and then at night. I tried calling the lady again to see if Liz would answer but no one did. Just went to voicemail. I’ll try again later tonight, maybe Liz will be up. I miss her as much as I miss you some days. Especially today. And mom…I’ll always miss mom. She’s right next to you though. Just like she said she wanted. There’s a grave spot for Liz to her left, you’re on her right, because you’re her right hand man. She made a joke about that in her will. I thought it was funny, after she passed was the first time I read it so it was like she was making jokes from heaven. I still don’t believe in God or anything, but I know you do. I’m probably going to spend the day playing call of duty or maybe grand theft auto. Anything to get my mind off of the noises. Its easier when I play those games because “oh, its just coming from the game” instead of “wow, I’m either going crazy or someone is trying to shoot me”. I know you understand. I always try and think about what life would be like if you were here and I think you’d really like these games because you were so into duck hunt as a kid, I just can’t imagine you not wanting to play these ones. Grand Theft Auto is really cool though, you would like that a lot. Driving snazzy cars, running over old people, you even get a dog in the fifth one. Technology is pretty far. You’d really like it. I’m going to let you get some rest wherever you are. Hopefully you can rest there, you were always working on something. I love you so so sooooo much. Stay strong for me. I’ll talk to you again soon.

[howdystrvnger]

To Peyton

I really hope you were there to see her funeral from above. It was amazing. You would've been so proud. And mom would be too. The flowers were beautiful and it ran so smoothly. And she's right next to you. We even put flowers on your grave too. Calla lillies. They're so nice. And we got these other flowers, I don't remember what they were but they were also nice. I tried to pick colorful ones. They were just so nice. And we put some lavender to destress you guys from the worries. I know you loved it so. Anyway. I'll talk to you soon. Tell mom hi for me, okay? Tell her I miss her a lot and tell her Liz misses her even more. We miss you so much too, P. We won't forget either of you. We'll meet again one day. I can't wait to see the man you've become. Do souls age after their body passes away? We'll have to find out. I love you so much. Goodnight.

[howdystrvnger]

To Peyton

I just got off the phone, bud. They said she passed. Said it was the cancer. She just couldn’t fight anymore. Liz is being sent to some cousin of yours. Said they’re the closest family until I can adopt her. I won’t leave her behind, okay buddy? I’m going to work so hard until she’s safe. The funeral is on Thursday. I never got to go to yours so hers it is. They’re gonna have your picture next to hers. I’ll be visiting you after. Bring you flowers. Mom will be barried right next to you. Isn’t that nice? I thought that was nice. I don’t know. I’m so sorry. I just wish I could do more….

[proxygen]

i hAD TO GET FILLINGS TODAY AND THE ENTIRE LEFT SIDE OF MY MOUTH IS NUMB AS SHIT AND I CANT EAT OR DRINK BC MY DRINK DRIBBLES OUT AND I KEEP DROOLING AND ON TUESDAY I GET TWO TEETH PULLED AND THEN FRIDAY I AGAIN HAVE FOLLINGS IM CRYING SKALKCNDOA,XMA

[howdystrvnger]

To Peyton

Its my birthday today, P. The big 18. Crazy isn’t it? I always told you I’d never live to see the day. Especially without you. I miss you more and more. Mom just called and I talked to Liz. Mom is insisting she sends me money but with everything going on, I can’t accept it. She needs it a lot more than I do. Maybe I’ll send her some later. I’m not sure. Hopefully she won’t be too upset with the amount. She needs it. Maybe she’ll use it to buy Lizzie that big bear we’ve always wanted. She’s really excited to go back to school. She met a boy with your name but its spelled with an A and not an E. She says that God sent him to fill your place but everyone knows he wouldn’t be able to. Your place will always be yours. I’m coming to visit in May to carry your picture for graduation since we can’t walk together. I guess we will be in May. You won’t be getting your diploma, but mom is getting a special certificate and some money for Lizzie’s college fund. I thought that was incredibly nice. I can’t wait to see them. I’ll come visit you too. I’ll bring you a snapback and some snack packs. I just wish you here…I miss you so much. I’ll see you soon, okay?

[howdystrvnger]

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