Wow, it's been awhile since I've written anything. Tbh, I've been putting it off. So much has happened...
I'll start off with my sister S, the one that had liver failure. She passed on Feb 11. What a week it has been. Before that tho, she came stayed with me. Her and her daughter came to my house, late on the 2nd, and surprised me. I wasn't expecting it, and to be completely honest, I was annoyed. Not at her directly, just at them not preparing me for the chaos and who's gonna sleep where and dealing with an even fuller house lol. (There was me, my 4 kids, nanny neph, sis, niece, her bf and kid.) They all stayed until Thursday. (I won't get into Wed night, when they all went out and left me and my sick sister with her 2 yr old. I wouldn't have minded, but I had work and wouldn't leave that little girl with my sister, cuz my sister was sick and could barely go up and down my stairs.) Anyways, my sister stayed when her daughter and family left. So, that's Tuesday to Friday I had with her. And I barely spent any time with her. I was working, then I'd come home and do the usual (cook, clean, kids), and she was always in bed. Now, looking back, I regret not just laying there with her. I had that chance to just be there and chill. But how was I supposed to know that would have been my last time with her?
Friday, my mum and our older sister, R, show up. I did not know, at the time, that their main reason coming to the city was to spend time with me and my kids. Anyways, they came and took 2 out of 4 kids, to go swimming at the hotel and spend the night. Cool, right? So, I'm sitting here, wondering what my plans should be. Then it hit me, I should go home to visit my dad, since he's practically home alone. It was already 430, and it's a 4 and a half hr drive, but I still decided to go. I had to ask my sister R if it was alright that I leave her with the 2 kids she had and asked my twin brother to come house sit. Then, it was set. I didn't end up leaving until 6 ish. Anyways, point being, my sister S was going to stay here with our brother, but decided, last minute, that she'd just go home for the weekend and come back with us on Sunday.
We drove, and she's talking, but I can barely hear her. But stuff about her accident. Blaming the ppl that were involved. I always wanted to tell her she shouldn't carry that shit in her heart. It was nobody's fault that she drank that day, nobody's fault they got kicked out of that party at the cabins, nobody's fault they rolled that day, and nobody's fault that she took Tylenol since to help with the pain she had afterwards. (Well, I can see how she could blame some things on some ppl, but realistically, she drank to be in that accident and she took those pills to accelerate her inevitable liver problems). But I couldn't tell her these things to sound like I don't care, or to further make her feel worse than she already did. Idk. I stayed quiet. About an hour away from home, we stopped in a town to pick up drinks and whatever. She was texting her friend and decided to stay with her. I didn't question anything, cause the drive alone seemed unbearable to her. She was nauseous and in pain. So, I took her there and that would be the last I got to hug her and tell her I loved her. I left.
Fast forward to Sunday, I didn't think anything of her not coming, I figured if she wanted to come, she would have called to make sure I picked her up. Plus, she probably wasn't feeling her best. All I texted when I passed that town was, "I love you". She wrote back, a few hours later, "I love you too my bean". And that was it.
Monday morning I had a missed call and voicemail from the friend I left her with, and a few msges from our sister R telling me S was in the hospital again. I didn't check the voicemail. All I thought was, "good, she can try get better again." And went to work. Later on my break, I got updates from R saying it wasn't good. They were allowing her and our mum to visit, but nobody else because of covid. Understandable. I still didn't think anything of it. But, I kept getting updates from R, of how worse she was getting. She said the Dr's were consulting with the hospital in the bigger city to see if there was anything they could do for her, or if she should stay there to be closer to family... They kept her. Plus, Monday night would be the last time she had a conversation with our sister. She'd now be on morphine to make her comfortable, which didn't help her be aware of anything. Now, it's Wednesday morning. I'm at work, on my first break I get all these msges saying she got even more worse and they were going to start allowing family come see her 2 at a time. This is when I knew it was really bad. I cried a bit in my car, msging Alex about how my sister might be dying and I didn't know what to do. I actually thought I'd finish the rest of the day and call in for the last 2 days. But, when I went in class and tried telling my teacher what was up, and her hitting me with that sympathetic "omg, are you okayyyy?" look, with the rubbing my arm thing, I teared up and shook my head no. She told me it was okay with her if I left. But I also had to go talk to the principal about it too. I cried in his office as well. But they were very understanding and gracious. Blessed for that.
Alex decided to leave work. I had a sitter to stay with kids, since they still had school. But he said he'd come anyways. I told him not to worry, but how could he not, right? I was glad he did, in the end, cuz he was what I needed later. So, I left, without getting to see him, cuz I was going the 3 hrs to get to the hospital, and he was coming the 7 hours home.
Anyways, I get there. All our family were taking turns going in to her room to see her. She wasn't awake. It was weird cuz her eyes would open, and be looking, but it was like she wasn't seeing. If that makes sense. That night me and my sister R spent the night with her. When we walked in, she was very agitated and restless. She was crying, hurting, and obviously very uncomfortable. She wanted to sit up, lay down, and scratching everywhere. It was very hard to watch. It scared me. Once the morphine kicked in, I seen her body just relax. The, sitting there talking about her, and her life, what we thought, we both said it would be better if she just let go. She was suffering and we just wanted the suffering to end. But it sucked cuz that's our sister. We weren't ready to lose her. But what could you do? She noticed that her breathing was a little raspy and her feet were cold. She said those were tell-tale signs that the end was near. Sad. Next morning, we leave cuz our mum wanted to come in. We went. All the family was back to taking turns visiting. This time it took me longer to get my turn, cuz more people were showing up. We all just stayed in the parking lot all day. I went back in about 230 or 3. She was obviously worse. I was hoping her hand and tearing, saying, "I'm going to miss you. D's gonna miss you." As soon as I said his name, she squeezed my hand and her bottom lip quivered like she wanted to cry. Then I said, "I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you sad. Don't be sad. We'll be okay. Don't be scared. I love you so much." And kissed her. Now, I was in the room with one of her daughters, and I could tell her couldn't really say want she wanted cuz I was there. So, I gave her time alone. Mind you, I was still thinking ill be back later anyways to spend another night with her. That didn't happen tho.
She took her last breath at about 4. I was sitting in the back of my dad's truck. My dad, my twin brother, and my mum were in there. Nobody showed any kind of reaction. I was crying. Frantically typing to my bf. Then, my niece J, opened the door and asked if I was okay. I get out and immediately started hyperventilating. I was crying, ugly crying. In shock. Standing there not knowing what to do, I sat in my vehicle, that was next to my dad's. Still felt weirdly uncomfortable cuz my nany neph was in there not saying anything, too. My best friend, A, came out of nowhere and I broke down again in her arms. I calmed down, and laughed in that moment cuz I seen one of my nieces bf wipe out lol. Good timing. Anyways, my friend said she was going to take her husband home and be right back. I ended up sitting in her truck for the next cpl hrs. I realized way later that I didn't even go hug any of my siblings lol.
We got to see her body one last time before they took her to the funeral home. I was one of the last people to get a turn, and I went in with one of her sons. I thought it was gonna be horrible, and I'd break down over her body. Instead, my dumb ass started laughing. Lol. Her one eye was open and looking right at me, and she looked like she was smiling. I apologized to her son about laughing. And him and I just talked about before, about him as a baby. My sister didn't raise him since, and I was always with her before, so we knew that about each other. Guess that was all we had in common with his mom; my sister.
So, when all was said and done that night, everybody went to the hotel. I just dropped off everyone who was in my suv and said I was going to go home to my dad's. He was the only one who went home that evening, so I knew he was home alone. So, I left. I wanted to be alone, and I wanted to just sleep in his house, where I felt safe. Before getting there tho, I tried so hard to cry. I felt like I wasn't experiencing her death like how I thought I would. Like, yes, I cried, but not like how I thought I would. That bothered me. Still kinda does. I listened to sad music. Got some tears, then thought, I probably looked stupid and just laughed again. Idk what's wrong with me hahaha.
Before getting home, tho, I msged my son and said I was going to stop at his house and hug him. I had to make sure he was okay. My sister was his Godmother, and although they barely had a relationship, I still had to make sure. Plus, it felt nice to just go be with him for a few minutes.
Next day was funeral home. The last drive home, with her down the highway. The wake. I made her a wreath. That was fun. Got crafty at the wake super late that night lol. But the flower shop in that town couldn't make enough, because there's a lot of families within our family and everybody wanted one done. So, I made my own. That was special.
Alex and kids came Saturday morning to be with me at the funeral. (I forgot to mention that this was the sister he was with first before me). Plus, this was also his first funeral experience with how we do funerals. They don't do wakes, or last goodbyes, or church.... The last goodbye I broke. I cried ugly and loud. He cried too. It was a sad day.
I didn't really feel anything afterwards. It still bothered me that it didn't affect t me like how I thought it would. Not until last night. I always loom at my fb memories, and she was all over my old posts, liking them, hearing pictures, commenting. Then it hit me, that she'll never do that again. I cried. Then, I went on her timeline to see what would be the last posts she wrote, or shared. They were from last summer. Mostly, obvious drunk posts, where she would be misspelling and not making much sense. I go to comments and there's me giving her shit. Wow, I thought. But then I remembered always being disappointed and let down. Those times I'd get upset was because she'd promise me to be sober, to visit, but turn around and drink anyways. That would offend me. Cuz I missed the sober her. I missed just hanging out with her. I hardly got that in our last few years, especially since I had quit drinking. I was sad. The thing that really hit home was seeing a post she shared, "All I need is for one person to not give up on me." Like hf. That hit hard, cuz I immediately felt guilty. Why couldn't I be her person? Why would I just easily give up on her when I knew she'd always choose to drink over me? I resented her. I was mad at her for it. So, I wouldn't try. That sucks.
But that is my next thing. I know I can't hold onto negative feelings like that. I can't regret anything. Anything and everything that happened, happened already, and for whatever reasons. She's gone. But most importantly, she's not suffering. Maybe witnessing her being in that much pain helped me be more okay with her dying? Cuz I wouldn't want her, or anybody, to go through something like that. It was horrible. I need to work on letting her go, in a way that I'm happy with the memories, and all that crap people say you should be doing lol. Idk. I will. But for now, I'm sad. I will miss her. Especially for the big things in my life. I'm still going to think of her, for the big events I'd know she would have been there for me. Sad. ~Rip S. I love you.❤
Anyways, another big thing happened for me right after the funeral. A happy thing. That is why that day was bitter sweet for me. But I won't get into that rn. I'm tired and it's late. I will be back soon. Plus, court happened today. That's another thing to get into. 😒 Nothing really happened there. But, as always, I will be back.
P.s sry if there's any mistakes in any of my posts. Not going to go over and read everything. This was a long one too haha.
