#riskawaresex

[graysongoal]

It's almost #nationalcondommonth! February is so close! Make sure you're supplied and practice risk-aware sex, dear ones! #wrapyourtool #condoms #femalecondom #malecondom #sexeducator #sexeducatorlife #chronicsex #riskawaresex

[polyrolemodels]

Rae Madrid

1. How long have you been polyamorous or been practicing polyamory?

I have probably been polyamorous my whole life. Even with my first seedling relationships, at age 11, I couldn’t help but care for more than one person at once. It certainly got me in trouble until a little bit later in life. I learned the term polyamory about ten years ago or so. I have gone back and forth between practicing polyamory and practicing monogamy since that time, though I always remained polyamorous at heart. Since about 2011, I decided that I cannot practice anything other than polyamory and won’t entertain any relationships with someone who would ask me to be monogamous.

2. What does your relationship dynamic look like?

I’m still playing with that. I like being solo poly, but I can foresee a time when that might not be my relationship dynamic. More than anything, I see relationship anarchy as a compelling dynamic. My only current sweetie is a married man with three kids who calls me his girlfriend. We have an intention to have one date night a week where he sleeps over at my place, but I also spend one or two (or more) nights a week over at their place for dinner, TV, cookouts, walks, snuggles, sleepovers, and more. My metamour and I get along really well, and I am absolutely in love with their kids – something I had not thought would happen, as I have never been that into kids. But I am slowly moving toward the idea of spending my life with their family, though I don’t know what that would look like.

Update: I am still with my sweetie, and I recently started dating another man with a kid. I realized recently I might end up with a lot of metakids, and I'm okay with that.

3. What aspect of polyamory do you excel at?

I can be really great at the communication part. I could talk and talk forever, especially about feelings. I’ve also become quite good at the part where I own my shit. I think things through for a long time before I go to communicate, because in the past I’ve had a habit of speaking before really thinking. It’s important for me to know my own mind before I speak it. Being solo poly and having lots of time to myself (and dealing with chronic pain) have all helped me with that part.

Update: No longer in chronic pain. Woohoo!

4. What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with?

I do have insecurities about my partners’ new partners. I also seem to have trouble communicating with my current metamour. I know she is not big on talking, so I have been mildly to extremely anxious for quite some time about whether to attempt communication about our dynamic as it were, or whether I should trust that she and her husband’s communication is sufficient.

Update: I knew when I wrote this that this was likely a temporary issue. I now feel so close to my metamour, and I don't worry much about our communication. I love her, her kids, and her husband as my chosen family.

5. How do you address and/or overcome those struggles?

I have found that with the right partner and the right communication, my jealousy, envy, or insecurities are easily kept at bay. Also, my lack of imposing rules on anyone helps. In my experience, the more rules or agreements there are, the more likely it is that someone’s feelings will get hurt. With trust and communication, I know that my partners will make good decisions for themselves and take me into consideration in their own way, so I don’t have to place restrictions or make rules.

As for communicating with my metamour, this is new territory for me, so I don’t know how I will solve it. Maybe I will ask some other poly folks in person or in a forum how they handle similar situations. I have spoken with my sweetie about it a few times, but it doesn’t seem to relieve my anxiety about it. Sometimes we just have our anxieties, and no one else can really hold our hand through it entirely.

6. In terms of risk-aware/safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

My partner and I are now barrier-free. I do believe that our only agreement in our whole relationship is to tell one another if we have barrier-free sex with anyone else. If he told me he had barrier-free sex with someone new, I would be able to ask the questions I needed to decide if we need to resume using barriers.

Update: I use barriers with my newest sweetie. This is his practice with all partners, so I think it will probably remain this way for some time at least. With both partners, I feel free and eager to share new details about my sex life, as they do with me. I trust them to make whatever decisions they want to about their bodies and sex lives, and I know they will give me enough details so I can make the right choices about my body and health.

7. What is the worst mistake you've ever made in your polyamorous history and how did you rebound from that?

I think trying to practice monogamy when I am polyamorous is my biggest mistake. If someone doesn’t want me to be my authentic self, then why would I want to be with them?

8. What self-identities are important to you? How do you feel like being polyamorous intersects with or affects these identities?

Self-identities that are important to me: queer, latinx, femme, genderqueer/non-binary/genderfluid/agender (all the things! it fluctuates), fat, pansexual/bisexual, and kinky. I also have depression and anxiety, which I find important to note. My queerness is a part of my polyamory - as much as people often want to say that being bi doesn't mean that you want to date multiple people, I definitely think my bi/pansexuality plays a part in defining how my polyamory works. Currently, I am happy with the two men I am with, though I often wish for a girlfriend/someone who is femme. I hear that's common in the poly world - bi/pan women/femmes have a hard time finding each other.  My kinkiness also intersects with my polyamory. One of my current partners is fairly vanilla, and the other is more kinky. I'm glad that I can explore my kink/top side with at least some of my partners or play partners, and I can also have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with a vanilla partner without feeling like I am missing anything.

[polyrolemodels]

Big Mike SantaCruz

1. How long have you been polyamorous or been practicing polyamory?

Since 1974. I was 15 when I broke up with my girlfriend to take another girl on a date. The date was terrible and I vowed to never promise monogamy to anyone again. When my spouse and I got together in 1977 we agreed we would start in an open relationship. Our first partner lived with us in 1981. When the term polyamory was coined in the early '90s, we identified with it quickly since it didn't seem to connote that one had to have a relationship as is suggested by the term open relationship. One can be poly without any relationships.

2. What does your relationship dynamic look like?

I've owned my home with two partners since 1998 and we rent out rooms to other partners. There are usually five or six adults living here at any time. We all identify as polyamorous, but we practice relationship anarchy. There's a bit of hierarchy in that not everyone here is a homeowner. Everyone has their own bedroom, bathroom, and TV. I also date women that live outside my home, and a couple of partners also date outside the household.

3. What aspect of polyamory do you excel at?

Empowering my partners to express themselves as they wish. A respect for privacy goes a long ways towards encouraging a safe space for honest and open communication. I am able to get my partners to feel safe and speak their truths.

4. What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with?

I endeavor to be a role model for the people that encounter me and my family. I want to be a positive role model that's also willing to admit to the mistakes I've made, and to promote sex-positivity since that seems to be the thing that liberates poly relationships.

5. How do you address and/or overcome those struggles?

I participate in local community events and spend many hours each day moderating a poly discussion group. And I counsel those that reach out to me privately.

6. In terms of risk-aware/safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

Because my partners and I all have different levels of risk acceptance when it comes to sex, I only answer this question to potential lovers because I wish to protect their privacy.

7. What is the worst mistake you've ever made in your polyamorous history and how did you rebound from that?

In the early '90s, I established an arbitrary rule about sex for my spouse and her sweetheart. Then I spied on her to verify compliance. When I had evidence that she was lying to me I prepared to confront her. That preparation led me to examine my own behavior, and I realized that I had not honored my spouse's privacy and integrity. I simply created a system that could serve nobody but me. I threw out my spy tools and vowed to respect her privacy from that moment forward. I never confronted her with my ill-gained knowledge.

[polyrolemodels]

Cunning Minx

1. How long have you been practicing polyamory?

10 years and one day hoping to get it right. ;-)

2. What does your relationship dynamic look like?

I am in a committed relationship of four years with LustyGuy, who has been married to L for over 30 years. L officiated a beautiful beach commitment ceremony for us in Costa Rica in 2013 (we podcast our vows as well). LustyGuy has one other occasional partner. He and L share a home that I am helping to redecorate and renovate; we are discussing possibly living together in the next few years. LustyGuy and I enjoy BDSM as an occasional activity, but we don't engage in power exchange most of the time--we're more likely to go swimming or work on a project together. And L is the best metamour I've ever had; she is an incredibly secure and compassionate human being who is always there for both of us.​

​3. What aspect of polyamory do you excel at?

I am big fan of "owning your own shit." We all have emotional baggage, and I believe it's our job as self-aware humans to be recognize it and communicate it to our partners. And when you love someone wholly, you need to embrace his or her emotional baggage as well, so I really appreciate partners who can also own their own shit. Having the level of emotional intelligence to be able to identify, diagnose and discuss a strong emotion while you are experiencing that emotion is an incredibly rare and valuable skill in relationships. And the great news is that once you get the hang of owning your own shit, you don't lose it--I use it with family and at the office, and it's made me a better human being.

4. What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with?

I have always struggled with empathizing with people who aren't like me. When I realize that someone has completely different values from me, I can understand it logically, but it's hard for me to really understand where the person is coming from, and it's really challenging for me to be in a relationship a person I don't fully understand. 

5. How do you address and/or overcome those struggles?

It's a constant process of paying attention and putting on my curious hat and my listening ears. I find that if I can listen patiently for long enough, the person will explain herself to me, and I'll find something relatable in her story. This is challenging when partners or metamours are long-distance, because it's difficult to find the time to have these frequent, casual conversations--which is one of the reasons why I avoid long-distance relationships these days! If I try to have a conversation like this over Skype, I always end up feeling like a journalist interviewing a guest rather than just chatting with a metamour! And that's no fun for either of us.

6. In terms of risk-aware/safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

LustyGuy and L have been married for decades, so they are fluid-bonded. I'm fairly conservative in terms of protection due to my automimmune disorder making me exceptionally vulnerable to infection, so for the first few years I insisted on barriers for everything, including condoms, dental dams and gloves for oral. After three years, with no changes in STI conditions, with a fairly closed vee and with the others having been pretty comfortable without oral barriers all along, we lifted the barriers for oral. 

7. What is the worst mistake you've ever made in your polyamorous history and how did you rebound from that?

Oh, too many to count! And (shameless plug) I put the top eight in my book, Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory (Before I Tried It and Frakked It Up). Apart from that, there was one disastrous dating experience a few years ago in which I wasn't really in a great place to date to begin with, and I didn't realize that the couple was new to polyamory. At the first little bump, they freaked out and left me hanging, and I took it personally, which is to say, very badly. The good news is that I learned quite a bit from that painful experience: to date only when I am the happiest and healthiest version of myself and to avoid dating anyone who is new to polyamory. I know that last bit sounds harsh, but I've discovered that for me, dating newbies typically results in a higher drama level than I am comfortable with, since they are figuring everything out for the first time. 

(Bonus: Do you have any groups, projects, websites, blogs, etc. that you would like to promote?)

However, the good news is that from experiences like that one, I've developed a foolproof method for dealing with relationship drama and have had a BLAST teaching it with LustyGuy at conferences all over the country for the last two years! We even created a cost-effective online version of our Kicking Poly Drama on Its Ass course for individuals to take at home!

And we have over 400 free episodes of Poly Weekly that the monogamous, poly-curious and experienced polys alike can listen to for free--just search for "polyamory" on iTunes, Stitcher, TuneIn or the podcatcher of your choice. Or go to www.polyweekly.com and search for your favorite topics using the search box.

[polyrolemodels]

Ron Young

1. How long have you been practicing polyamory?

I've been polyamorous my whole life as I have always had the capacity to love, and share emotional (if not physical) intimacy with more than one person at the same time but it was done non consensually and unethically. I've actually been practicing polyamory ethically for 5 years.

2. What does your relationship dynamic look like?

My relationship dynamic is fiercely egalitarian! And within that realm I have two female significant others to which I love with all my being. One has another het male SO to which she loves and cares for to no end, and the other is monogamous and very supportive of everyone, their needs, and this lovestyle. Our configuration is "squiggly and wavy" due to the fact we tend to not take a hard line approach to anything and try at best to not let the dynamic determine how we are to live and love each other. 

Someone once told me when they found out that I had two women that I was a "Pimp" and that I had "a whole lotta game". He proceeded to try to give me dap for that but I declined. First off, the objectification and control without consent of anyone is NEVER COOL and should never be deserving of praise. Secondly, if I made any gesture that I even remotely agreed with his assessment of me, both my lovers would plot and plan to cut me into tiny little pieces and place me into a dumpster because I do not "rule the roost" at all in my relationships. Each moving part of our familial structure is autonomous which brings authenticity and intention to how we love and relate to each other.

3. What aspect of polyamory do you excel at?

Having compersion was a challenge at first, but I seem to really take off once I had my first taste of it. As for me, there has to be very specific tools in place in order to garner those feelings though: 

1. COMMUNICATION. 

2. Before and after care of me when my loves are dating or engaging with someone new.

3. A sense of inclusion in the connections made with my lovers "others" so that I can not only put a face to the name, but also a personality, their likes or dislikes, their struggles, their strengths, and their weaknesses (not to take adavantage of but to ensure that I don't unknowingly trample on anything that may be sensitive to them).

4. MORE COMMUNICATION.

4. What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with?

Most of my struggles with Polyamory stem from those outside of it. The hate, ignorance, and stigmas that most place on those in this lovestyle, and having to witness the troubles surrounding other polys dealing with those that don't understand is very tough.  Judgement, shame, guilt, and everything else that folks in the monogamous world may unintentionally bring to other polyamorous individuals that are struggling with the fact that they may be born this way can causes them a lot of pain, creates abusive situations, confusion and heartache for them and others around them as a result. Dossie Easton said (I'm paraphrasing), we're in a 'starvation economy" when it comes to love and intimacy. I think we're also in a "emotional dark age" . Coming out that darkness, my hope is that one day we'll gaze into the rear view mirror on how dealt with our emotions, and how we used to "love" and relate to each other never to return this place again. 

5. How do you address and/or overcome those struggles?

With patience, vulnerability, and understanding.

6. In terms of risk-aware/safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another? 

Communication is number one. We also get tested regularly

7. What is the worst mistake you've ever made in your polyamorous history and how did you rebound from that?

Rushing my first poly relationship (as many newcomers do) and trying to control things that I had no control over.  To remedy this gross error, I learned to take things slower, and let go more.

(Bonus: Do you have any groups, projects, websites, blogs, etc. that you would like to promote?)

I am the founder of Black&Poly http://blackandpoly.org/ (currently under construction), we also have a blog  https://blackandpoly.wordpress.com/  and our facebook group can be found at:  https://www.facebook.com/groups/blackpolyamory/ .  Black&Poly holds meetups through meetup.com in over 10 locations globally. @blackandpoly is our twitter feed