#rive's struggle

[riveliciousx]

do u ever go thru phases in which nothing appeals to u? like u used to love wrestling and liveblog and reading and doing other stuff, and now u don't feel joy. it's a chore of sorts because ur mind decided to not give a fuck about anything, it decided to go full on paranoid and dejected, so u face either isolating and becoming jaded or making the effort - which feels fake because u don't feel it really, thus becoming even more jaded anyways.

[riveliciousx]

I'm so sad and annoyed all the time

[riveliciousx]

I feel so gross I wanna drink coke and eat junk food but then that'll make me feel much grosser so I'll drink more coke and eat more junk, which feeds the neverending cycle of self loathing while turning to comfort food

[riveliciousx]

god gave me allergies or I'd be unstoppable

[riveliciousx]

I'm so tired, I wanna kms

[riveliciousx]

Here was I thinking I could go on without my medication because I haven't taken it in two days, but I got the hardest mood drop and... this is fine(tm)

[riveliciousx]

I thought I had found a friend, someone I could share the bpd vicissitudes with... but no, I found yet another man who can't take no for an answer and can't discern between friendship and romantic interest

[riveliciousx]

But seriously, as cheap and tacky this storyline is, it kinda reawakened some negative shit I thought I had buried behind. I’ve never been thin, not even close to being lean or athletic either, and a lot of people in my life have contributed to worsen my self image and disordered eating issues to the point I can normalize and get away with harm for standards I most likely never meet. So having Nia say “I’m a big girl, I’m proud, I’m myself, I love myself” is the great example of self acceptance and self love I never had in my life, and of course I look up to that and want to emulate it.