December 11th will have no hold on me
The people I love have abused and have been abused. Now I realize that everyone has their own struggle. But some way or another I find the people who have similar trials in life. Rape or an abusive mother. I watch these wonderful people beat themselves up over things that couldn't be controlled by them. And I love them. I wish that were enough because I have so much of it to give. I love them because they're still alive fighting everyday. I wish there could be a way to show them just how good they are. I remember screaming into my boyfriend's face "don't you ever dare say that you are not good. You haven't stolen something from a person that can never be replaced." My dignity and self worth have had to be fought for. At times when I'm laying on the bathroom floor after retching I think that I am nothing. But it's not true. Whether I am in a bout of depression or singing the moment I wake up, only I can truly determine my worth. The fact that I have completely changed my actions, my thoughts and habits from what they were just a few short years ago means the world to me. I have worth. I can't sing or draw or do math very well. But in my years of struggling I have learned what it means to love. I'm still grasping it every day. Even on days when I can't swallow any food or nights when I want someone to fuck me just so I can feel better for a small while, I have worth. I hope that the people I love can find it in themselves to be honest with their heart, and find what they mean as a person to their own existence.