we’re connected by the sun
here is my fic for @rnmbb ! and the ao3 link is here
very very special thanks to @im-the-punk-who and @manesalex who created art for this piece and @malexlove4 who did a wonderful job as my beta! (links to gifsets here: im-the-punk-who 1, im-the-punk-who 2, manesalex )
“Alright. Have a safe trip.”
“I will. Thanks.”
Alex ended the call with a sigh, his employer's name blinking off his screen a few seconds later. His eyes drifted out the window to the world passing by. He couldn’t actually remember which city or state he was in anymore. Everything was a massive blur. All he knew was that this break he was taking was more than needed. The simple fact of him being on a train at all was a relief.
A small duffle bag that only held a few pairs of clothes, his computer and hard drive, chargers, and a toothbrush was between his feet. He didn’t need much else, not when he didn’t know what his plan was. Alex had traveled a lot for work, being all over the US with little left to see, and nothing had quite felt like a good fit. He was hoping that a non-work venture could possibly lead him somewhere he wanted to go. Somewhere he didn’t feel like such an ugly duckling.
Though, he was beginning to think he was running out of places.
Alex rested his head back, still watching the world rush. Trees and streets and cars. Everything and nothing all at once. At one point in his life, this had been fun and exciting. He craved that feeling again more than anything.
Perhaps he thought too soon, though, because there was a loud thud, and then the train jolted and started to skid to a stop, the lights flickering before they went out. The other people in the train car murmured their confusion, faint swear words making their way into the air. It was definitely something more exciting than the average train ride.
“Fuck me,” Alex breathed. Of course, it would stop. Why wouldn’t it?
It was dark outside and had been relatively dark in the train car before, but now it was pitch black, and he could hardly see his hands in front of him. Alex took a slow, controlled breath. He was never a fan of the dark.
A few breaths in, a body fell into the empty seat beside him with a begrudging sigh. Alex looked in its direction, focusing as hard as he could to make his eyes adjust to the darkness. Slowly, the faint moon in the sky came to his aid, and he could make out curly hair and eyes that were looking right at him.
“Sorry,” the man said, a voice that Alex knew down to his core, “Couldn’t see shit, and I didn’t wanna get lost trying to get back to my seat.”
Alex started breathing deeply for a completely different reason.
“That’s fine,” he said, “It’s an empty seat.”
A smooth smile slid onto that face he hadn’t seen in far too long, features more evened out and chiseled than he remembered, all lit up by the moonlight that rushed in to help him see. That face. That voice. That smile. That man.
But, whether it be because of the lighting or because of the obvious, there didn’t seem to be any recognition on his part.
“You sure?”
And Alex didn’t want to make it weird.
“Uh.” Alex cleared his throat. “I’m Alex. And, uh, I don’t mind the company.”
“Michael,” he said, the full confirmation making Alex feel like the wind had been knocked out of him, “And that’s nice to hear. Me neither.”
Michael Guerin.
//
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
Michael opened his eyes slowly, still breathing in and out at four counts each to make sure he didn’t throw a massive tantrum and lose his entire mind. His hands were shoved deep into his pockets, and his nails were digging into his palm. The pain of it helped a little bit.
Alex pulled bags out of the bed of his truck, his biceps flexing against his shirt as he lifted it. It was something so familiar, something that used to make Michael giddy with attraction, but now it just made his throat feel tight and his eyes burn. It was unfair how something so innocent and warm now felt cruel.
“You really doing this, Manes?” Michael asked, watching him hoist the bigger duffle bag over his shoulder. The veins in his forearm popped out to add to the cruelty.
“Going to college?” Alex scoffed, “Yeah, Guerin. I am.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
And it wasn’t. Part of him always knew Alex was going to college, that seemed like a given. Alex was smart and had a whole life ahead of him. Maybe Alex hadn’t talked about it and never really gave Michael a fair warning about when and where, but he couldn’t say it was a full surprise. Michael had been offered a line of scholarships he waited too long to take, and Alex was smarter than that. He knew, logically, at the end of the summer that things would change.
He just didn’t expect it to go like this.
Michael held out his hand, and Alex reluctantly handed over his other bag. His face was even, unbothered, but two and a half months studying Alex like he was going to be taking an AP final on him had resulted in Michael knowing he was just doing that to not betray his own emotions. It was better this way, Michael told himself, because if Alex had been visibly upset, Michael wouldn’t have been able to hold it together.
It was strange. He wasn’t used to feeling so out of place speaking to Alex. It had always been natural from their very first encounter, but now the conversation wasn’t as easy. He didn’t know what was the right or wrong thing to say. He didn’t even know if him saying the right or wrong thing had got him here in the first place.
It didn’t matter. Alex was leaving. Michael wasn’t. End of story.
The two of them walked into the train station in relative silence, navigating the weirdly busy area until they got his ticket and got to Alex’s platform. And then they waited for the train to come as if it was just that simple to separate.
Except Michael couldn't stop staring at him.
“I don’t have a phone,” Michael said, a last-ditch effort at trying to get Alex to show that he wanted to keep him, “So you can’t call me.”
“I wasn’t going to try.”
Michael breathed in his words a verbal gut punch. His throat tightened more, and his eyebrows pulled together, his body trying its damnedest not to cry over this. He knew Alex was just being like this because he had to. Because this‒they‒weren’t supposed to happen. Alex’s plans were made before Michael, they wouldn’t change with him here. Alex made that very clear.
“Alex…” Michael said because he couldn’t help himself. Alex was right there. How could he?
“Michael,” Alex said evenly, “This isn’t about you.”
Michael breathed and nodded once. He could accept that, he thought. And even if he felt like he couldn’t, he didn’t really have a choice. He had to accept it no matter what.
“Yeah. I know.”
Michael stared at him, and Alex stared back. Neither of them turned away or broke eye contact. It was agonizing, honestly, but Michael watched him and tried to memorize every part of his face. He already had it memorized, honestly. A little extra couldn’t hurt.
However, that spell was broken when he felt that prickliness at the back of his neck, and he couldn’t help but look around to make sure no one was staring. Michael wasn’t quite sure he cared. No one was looking. Still, when he looked back at Alex, he’d been looking around too. No one was giving them the time of day, and it still felt like a thousand eyes were on them.
And perhaps that’s why they’d ended up here in the first place.
The train pulled up, and Michael swallowed, his heart jumping in his throat. This was it. All these days spent attached at the hip had led up to this. The moment where Alex leaves. The moment where it’s over.
People started to board the train.
Michael didn’t want to regret this, didn’t want to have any negative feelings around helping Alex. But also, he hated that he did this to himself. Why’d he come here? Why’d he bring him? Why did he think this was a good fucking idea?
Alex gave a curt nod‒a nod like they hadn’t spent just three nights ago pressed together and shared breaths‒and turned to walk towards the train. It wasn’t fair. They didn’t know each other long enough, and yet Michael felt like he was losing someone he loved.
Ah. He loved him. Great.
Alex took a breath that raised his shoulders and went to take a step, went to leave forever. But then he turned around again, and before Michael could ask what was wrong, he was kissing him.
They’d never kissed in public before, never even a peck. And this was more than that. This was Alex’s hand on the back of his neck and his other on his chest. This was Alex’s soft lips parts and kissing deeper. This was tasting salty tears in the mix and trying to pretend they weren’t there.“I just… needed a reminder of what to look for,” Alex whispered into his mouth just seconds before he pulled away for good, quickly heading to the train before Michael could offer a reply.
Michael stood there, his chest aching and his eyes burning as he searched the windows for any sign of Alex just one last time. He apparently sat on the other side of the train, though, because Michael never saw him.
It was awful. He could still taste him. He reached up to touch his lips.
“I love you too, Alex.”
//
“I think if you told me a decade ago, I’d basically be a fucking marketing rep. I’d cry.”
Alex’s cheeks hurt as he continued to smile, watching Michael in the darkness. It was more than he’d smiled in months. Small talk was boring, but somehow Michael made it interesting as they talked about what they did for a living.
“I can’t honestly picture you doing marketing, no offense.”
“Okay, well, it’s not really marketing. I go around to different companies, sit in on business meetings, and show them how to do their jobs. I’ve spoken at a couple of conferences here and there,” Michael said. Alex didn’t mean to, but he knew he was beaming with pride. His Michael all grown up and successful. “Look, my job title doesn’t say marketing rep, so I refuse to call myself that.”
“Fair enough,” Alex laughed, “I guess that just means you’re really good at your job.”
Michael shrugged, licking his lips. “I guess. I don’t know, I went to school for robotics, so I don’t really know how I ended up here.”
“You did, really? Robotics?” Alex asked, perhaps sounding a little too eager. The Michael he remembered would’ve preferred to do literally anything except go to school. He had no plans to. But he still went. He still blossomed just like Alex knew he could.
That felt so nice.
“It was kinda out of spite, really. I wanted to prove I wasn’t just a deadbeat, so I was originally just going to a tech school. One of the professors that taught night classes there saw potential in me, I guess. Started challenging me. He’s the reason I took that step to enroll in a full-blown university and get a master’s degree, and he helped me every step of the way. I still talk to him. It really just takes one person to change your life, you know?” Michael explained.
Alex nodded, warmth spreading through him. That’s all he ever wanted for Michael, for someone to actually see him and go out of their way to help him. It was something he wasn’t ever able to do for him, and none of the teachers in high school were either.
“Yeah, I totally believe that. Just one teacher to make you think you’re worth it,” Alex agreed, “That’s great. And traveling for work really isn’t that bad, honestly. It’s the best part of my job. It helps it not feel like it’s a big rut even though it totally is.”
“Aw, come on, you’re not in a rut, are you?” Michael asked. He was basically fully facing him, turned sideways in his seat to give him all of his attention. Alex was basking in it. Some little part of him was giddy that he was able to garner Michael’s attention like this twice without Michael even knowing that it’s him.
“Feels like it.”
“Well, what do you do? I’ve been too busy talking about myself this whole time,” Michael said. He was so different. Alex barely knew what to do with it.
He wanted it anyway.
“Not too much different from you, I guess,” Alex said, “I work for a cybersecurity software developer, and I go around and basically play IT all around the country for businesses. Install our software, show them how to work it.”
“How have we never met before?” Michael asked, tilting his head. Alex bit the inside of his cheek, wondering if he should make a joke about knowing him biblically.
“Guess fate wanted to wait until a train was going to shut down,” Alex said. Michael snorted, his knee knocking into Alex’s. It felt so good.
“Guess so,” Michael said, “So when you go on your business trips, how many people do you have to lie to and say you’re married, so they leave you alone?”
A smile broke out on Alex’s face, “I try to just avoid talking at all unless it’s work-related. No drinks or anything.”
“Ah, shit, I guess I gotta try that. You know how hard it is to say no to a drink, though?” Michael asked. Alex shrugged, still smiling at him. He wished the lights were still on, wished he could see his face in the light. He wanted desperately to see all the features the darkness hid--all the parts of him that showed that he was grown now and not the 18-year-old boy he left at the train station.
Alex sure as hell was no longer that 18-year-old boy that left him.
“It’s a necessary burden,” Alex sympathized. Michael huffed a laugh.
“So, where are you headed to or coming back from now?” he asked. Alex’s mood slowly dropped to the fucking floor all over again.
“Uh,” Alex sighed, “Nowhere. I’m… on a break. Trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Thinking about requesting a transfer.”
“A transfer? Would that really matter since you’d basically just be doing the same thing, traveling either way?” Michael pointed out.
Alex took a deep breath as he looked at him, really looking at the honesty written all over his face. Michael had always worn his heart on his sleeve, his emotions on his face. Alex had never ever been able to read it fluently, always second-guessing himself. Now it was no different.
“I’m thinking about quitting altogether and becoming my own boss,” Alex said, “I don’t hate the traveling or the workload. I hate feeling like I don’t belong.”
“Ah, yeah, I get that. Always feel like you’re one step away from getting fired even though you know you’re good at your job. Or like everyone around you only pretends to tolerate you. It sucks,” Michael said. Alex watched him, thought about how they were when they were younger. How Alex had always felt this way and found refuge in Michael. He couldn’t imagine Michael feeling that way too. He was so likable. “But, you know, it’s not true. People do like you. It’s all in your head.”
“Does it matter if I don’t feel like it?” Alex responded.
Michael smiled that small secret one that went straight to Alex’s gut. It was so reminiscent of laying in the bed of his truck in the middle of nowhere, naked and sweaty and whispering about the future.
“You’re not wrong,” Michael said, “What kind of work would you do on your own?”
“I don’t know. I have some ideas, but none of them are fully formed. I don’t have the time to,” Alex said honestly, “Kinda why I’m taking a break. Maybe something will make sense.”
“Yeah, I think you can do it. You look like the kinda guy who can pull that off,” Michael said, leaving no room to mistake the way he looked him up and down even in the darkness. Alex found himself letting out a soft laugh somehow.
“Well, thanks for being supportive,” Alex said, teasing and hoping that was the right thing to say. Michael smiled.
“No problem. You’re a smart guy. You could probably do anything. I’ll even put in a good word for you wherever I go.”
Alex licked his lips, nodding his head at the sincerity in Michael’s voice. It was probably a lacking response, but his heart was in his throat, and he couldn’t get over this. He and Michael hadn’t had much time together when they were young, fighting the inevitable clock that hung over their heads.
The blind support had him nauseous with familiarity.
//
Alex was quiet.
Michael supposed it wasn’t too unusual. Alex went through phases. Sometimes he was sad and quiet. Michael just had to find some way to cheer him up.
“Hey,” Michael whispered, reaching over to press a kiss to the back of his shoulder. He was warm to kiss as always. Michael liked the idea of kissing him forever, wherever he was allowed to kiss. “You feeling okay?”
Alex hummed in response, not a yes or a no. Warm, though. Michael kissed his shoulder again and rubbed his hand over his shoulder.
“Let's do something fun then,” Michael whispered, kissing the back of his neck. His hand slid down to his chest, his thumb grazing his nipple. Alex shrugged his shoulder, though, so Michael moved his hand back to neutral ground. “We can do anything you want. We can go TP Homophobic Nick’s house. Graffiti Racist Kevin’s. Be delinquent like we’re supposed to.”
“You’re not a delinquent,” Alex murmured, which was something better than silence.
“Okay then. We can, like, go skinny dipping in the Evans’ pool. They won’t know. Family vacation thing. Or, I don’t know, we don’t have to leave. I’ll let you paint my nails or something. Anything you want to do,” Michael suggested, dragging his nose behind Alex’s ear. He was soft to touch everywhere.
Alex didn’t respond, still curled up in on himself. It was hard to even gauge exactly what exactly was causing this. As much as Michael adored Alex, he did have a laundry list of things that could’ve put him in such a mood, including just waking up feeling bad. And Michael understood even if it made him feel useless.
To try his best at making it feel normal for Alex’s sake and his own, Michael kept up the light touching. He stroked his shoulders and down his arms and kissed the back of his head. He kept it chaste and without presumption, just wanting to make sure Alex knew this didn’t change his feelings about him. That, at the very least, felt important. Especially more so than his own feelings.
“How late can you stay out tonight? Or, like, is it possible you can get away with staying out all night?” Michael asked softly after a while, the silence itching at him when he had so much pent-up energy. He liked laying with Alex, but sometimes he needed to do something to get the energy out, even if it was just talking. He barely expected Alex to answer. “Because I’ve been crashing in the Evans’ pool house while they’re gone, and you’re welcome to join me. I kinda wanna love the idea of, like, playing house with you. We can share the bed and brush our teeth together. I can make you dinner, breakf—”
“I’m going to college in Massachusetts. We need to break up,” Alex said, monotone. End of sentence. No arguments.
Michael stopped breathing, freezing with his hands still on Alex’s body and still curled around him. His ears were ringing, and his brain scrambled to piece together what the hell he was talking about. Breaking up. College. Breaking up. Massachusetts. Breaking up.
“Are you serious?” Michael whispered, still wrapped around him because what.
“Yeah, I am.”
Michael finally pulled away, quickly sitting up and scrambling to get to the other side of the truck as he tried to wrap his head around this. They were so good. Things between them were so fucking good. Why now? Why?
“Alex,” Michael said, watching him sit up slowly like there was a weight strapped to his back. He looked defeated and detached. He didn’t want to do this anymore than Michael didn’t. “You don’t want this.”
“I want to go to college. I want to experience getting away from this place without being tied to it,” Alex said stubbornly, eyes avoiding Michael completely.
“I don’t want to be here either. I’m not tying you here,” Michael argued. Alex was silent. “Unless it’s me you don’t want to be tied to.”
“That’s not it, and you know it,” Alex sighed, seemingly too tired to even have this conversation despite the fact that he was the one that started this shit in the first place, “But it can’t work when I’m halfway across the country.”
“Why not?” Michael asked.
Alex took a deep breath, “You know why. This wasn’t ever going to last anyway.”
“Said fucking who?”
“Michael,” Alex said, tilting his head back, “Stop making this difficult.”
“Sorry if I’m a little upset, I’m being broken up pretty fucking spontaneously,” Michael scoffed, clenching and unclenching his fists in a failed attempt to regulate himself, “Did you just decide to do this, like, twenty minutes ago? Because you seemed totally fine when I picked you up this morning.”
“I didn’t know what I was going to do,” Alex admitted, drawing his legs up to his chest, “But I got a letter in the mail about orientation last night, and it kinda became clear that I had to make a choice when it came to us. And... and when I saw you this morning, I wanted to think we could pull it off.”
“Because we can.”
“But then I realized how hard it would be to be away from you,” Alex said, finally looking up at him and meeting his eyes, “Sometimes I want to be so close to you that even when you’re literally holding me, it doesn’t feel close enough. And I know you. You need that level of affection too. I think it would be bad for us both if we tried. It’s best if we just… quit cold turkey.”
Michael let out a breathy laugh in disbelief.
“So basically, we can’t be together because I want you too bad?” Michael asked, “Do you not understand how completely ridiculous that sounds?”
They were silent for a long stretch of time, the wind the only thing making noise around them. A chill went down Michael’s spine, but he didn’t know if it was the fault of the wind or if it was because he was used to having Alex’s body heat pressed up against him.
“Can you take me home?” Alex asked.
Michael nodded, hopping out of the truck and wiping his eyes just to make sure. He wasn’t crying. Somehow that in itself wasn’t even a surprise.
They both got into the cab of the truck in silence, neither of them crying as they came to terms with what was just decided.
-
Alex laughed.
He couldn’t even remember the last time he laughed, much less this hard, but something about Michael’s presence had him laughing at anything that could even be mistaken for funny. It helped that Michael seemed to be reacting the same way, giggly and happy. The sound of it was intoxicating in and of itself.
“And so, so, like, uh... Fuck, sorry,” Michael said, laughing and shaking his head like he was 18 and stumbling over his words because he got excited. Alex’s heart was thudding in his chest. It was unreal. “So basically, my sister calls me up, and she’s, like, sweet-talking me immediately, which is always a bad sign. She’s all ‘I need a maid of honor’ this and ‘if only I had someone to throw me a bachelorette party. And, look, I love her, but I’ll never get why she called me instead of our literal brother who is down the street, not across the country 85% of the year.”
“Means she trusts you, which is a good thing,” Alex said, still smiling so wide his cheeks hurt. Michael was talking about Isobel and Max Evans, though that took Alex an embarrassing amount of time into the conversation to figure out. They were super close when they were in high school, and that clearly hadn’t changed.
Alex was happy for him.
“I mean, I appreciate it, but I should not have been the person because it was easily the most stressful thing I’ve ever done,” Michael scoffed, laughter still in his throat, “Anyway--fuck, I’m ruining this entire story.”
“No, you’re not, go on,” Alex prodded, nudging him with his elbow. Maybe he shouldn’t have touched him when they were supposed to be strangers.
He didn’t regret it one bit.
“Okay, okay,” Michael said, smiling as he nudged him right back. This was so much better than work. “Anyway, I obviously agreed because I hate myself and love her. She legit has me planning this thing with her over video chat half the time because I travel so much for work, and I’m spending my free time calling venues and shit. Anyway, time comes for her bachelorette party, and I plan something nice and modest because we’re adults, and I also know her, and she likes to pretend she’s classy even though she still steals my clothes.”
“And, let me guess, it did not go that way,” Alex said. Michael tilted his head, his eyebrows raising just a little bit, and he was apparently a lot closer than Alex realized.
“How’d you know?” Michael said. A rush went through Alex, old memories of laying in the bed of his truck and talking close and teasing before kissing until he couldn’t breathe flushing through him. Chills covered his skin.
“Lucky guess.”
“Yeah, very,” Michael said, eyes searching Alex’s face for a moment before he slipped back into his story, “And, anyway, we go to this restaurant, and it was nice, and she got expensive wine, and afterward she was like ‘what next?’ and silly me thought a nice dinner was enough. I was wrong. So, after that, she took over her own bachelorette party, and next thing I knew, we were at a strip club.”
“Oh no,” Alex said, huffing a laugh at the idea of Max Evans in a strip club. Michael, he could see, especially this version of him who was all refined and grown. Even Isobel seemed to make sense. But Max Evans seemed like he would be miserable.
“Not even a club with male strippers--honestly, that would’ve been less awkward than her dragging her brothers into a club where we had to buy her dances with topless women,” Michael said. Alex folded his lips in, holding back a smile. “I have never been so uncomfortable in my life.”
“You honestly think it would’ve been better with a male stripper?” Alex asked. Michael scoffed.
“Yeah, because at least then I could laugh at Max!”
“Jesus,” Alex huffed, not really able to imagine the Isobel Evans from high school being a slightly unhinged big sister. But the way Michael spoke made it believable anyway.
“I know! And Max texts me after like ‘so that was weird, right’ like yes it was weird, what the fuck,” Michael said.
“Yeah, my brothers are like that too. I swear it’s like sharing a conversation with two toddlers and a brick wall sometimes,” Alex said. Michael nodded, licking his lips. There was too much smiling happening between them. It was overwhelming. “I don’t really have any fun stories to share.”
“I’m sure you do,” Michael insisted, nudging his knee into Alex’s thigh. He didn’t pull away. “Come on. Where’s the place you’ve been the most tempted to move to in all your traveling?”
“Um,” Alex breathed, eyes flicking to where they were touching and then back to his face, “I honestly don’t know. Once I went to this really, really small town in Arkansas that was right off a mountain, and I would go hiking in my downtime while I was there. And there was a lot of downtime. The internet connection was so shitty that there were multiple days where I had to quit altogether. That was fun.”
“So, you like hiking?” Michael asked, almost like it was important information that he was taking specific note of. Alex breathed in, his heart thudding in his chest at the attention.
“I like… exploring, I guess. I found this cave when I was up there, it was probably dangerous to even go in there, but I did anyway.”
“Ooh, a daredevil.”
“Shut up,” Alex laughed. Michael pressed his knee into his thigh with a little bit of force before letting up, making Alex lightheaded in the process. “But, I don’t know, it was nice to go somewhere quiet again. And I pretty much went the whole trip without seeing anyone I wasn’t there to work with. It was seriously a vacant town which should’ve been isolating, but honestly, it was freeing. Not for forever, but for a moment.”
“You should go back there, then. To clear your head,” Michael suggested. Alex thought about it and nodded, staring at him as he did so.
Somehow, the conversation lapsed into a moment of silence, no laughter, just quiet between them. The longer his eyes adjusted to the darkness, the more Alex was faced with just how gorgeous this man had become. And their legs were touching. How could he not stare?
“Sorry for the delay.”
Michael’s head snapped towards the voice at the front of the train car. Alex had to put a little more effort into taking his eyes off him, but he eventually saw the man with the flashlight that was speaking.
“The area we’re going through had a widespread power outage, and we’re having some issues with our backup batteries,” the man said, “But we should have everything up and running sooner rather than later.”
“Ten bucks says that it was user error,” Michael whispered, leaning to reach Alex’s ear like they were teenagers again. Chills covered Alex’s skin at the familiarity of it all, but he managed to keep his composure. Somehow.
“No comment,” Alex responded. There was no missing the smile that took over Michael’s face.
The flashlight guy made his trek through the train car to get to the next one, and there was a moment of silence. Too long. Long enough that Michael nearly choked on his own laughter, turning his head towards Alex.
“Sorry,” he said, “Got too quiet.”
“You’re good,” Alex said, laughing with him. He was close and warm, and he could feel the way Michael’s body shook when he laughed. Alex wanted more.
For the first time in a long time, Alex didn’t care if they were being the loudest in the room.
-
“Alex. Aleeex.”
Michael watched for any sign of awareness in Alex’s face, but he still seemed dead asleep. It was the first time they’d ever shared a bed, and as much as Michael completely understood Alex’s desire to sleep, he was too excited to sleep. He wanted to talk to Alex and to really make the most of their time in this hotel room where they didn’t have to stress about anything.
Carefully, Michael bit the shell of Alex’s ear, flicking his tongue against his earring just because he knew it would annoy him. Alex always found it gross and would laugh through his lecture about how piercings have dead skin build-up no matter how often you clean them. Michael didn’t really care as long as it was Alex’s dead skin build-up. Despite that, Alex still didn’t react.
“Since when have you ever slept this hard? Are you faking it?” he asked softly. Alex didn’t seem to be.
Michael blew into his ear for extra measure.
Alex flinched at that, his hand going up to cover his ear as he groaned. Michael grinned, albeit selfishly, and tugged him closer, so his back was flush against him. Alex made another noise, this one not out of annoyance. Michael was in love with him.
“Hey,” Michael whispered, kissing the back of his neck before leaning over him a bit to kiss his cheek and then his lips. Alex reciprocated, slow and lethargic, before blowing in Michael’s face like he was a cat that got too close to his food. Michael snorted and settled back behind him.
“Go to sleep.”
“No, you wake up,” Michael said. Alex shook his head and turned his face into the pillows.
Michael found that he was smiling nonetheless and rested his face on the back of Alex’s neck, his hand gliding up and down his body. He was so warm and comfortable. It was a little wild to think how just earlier that day, Alex had been too nervous to hold his hand even though they weren’t in Roswell, and now they were here, laying with each other without shame or hesitation or fear. It was still a work in progress, but this made up for every setback.
“I want to spend time with you,” Michael murmured, breathing him in.
“We have two whole more days,” Alex said in response.
“Exactly, only two more days. Why should we spend any of it sleeping?”
Alex didn’t dignify that with a response, which he couldn’t actually argue with.
The thing is, all of their peers were on a senior trip right now. Alex had saved up for it and had money to go, and that’s exactly where his dad thought he was, but instead, they were here. Away from Roswell and together. It hadn’t even been that long since this--them--had begun, and yet it still felt like love.
Excruciatingly like love. Suffocatingly like love. He didn’t want to leave this bed or this town. He didn’t want to feel like sleep was wasting time. He wanted to just exist near him forever and cuddle close. He wanted to get to the point where they could hold hands, and Alex wouldn’t pull away. Michael couldn’t wait for all the little milestones they’d get to have together. He really did just want to speedrun them just so the excitement wouldn’t feel so overwhelming.
“Hey,” Michael said, kissing the side of his neck and still running his hands over his body.
“Please, go to sleep. I’ll literally pay you to go to sleep.”
Michael huffed a laugh and shuffled closer to say. “Hey,” he said again, “I love you.”
Alex’s body tensed up for a moment, and somehow, Michael didn’t even feel nervous. That’s just how good it was with Alex. He could throw himself face first in it, and he trusted that Alex wouldn’t let him down. Whether that meant he said it back, or he didn’t, it didn’t matter. It just mattered that he heard him.
Alex shifted, turning to face him with his sleepy face still in full force. Michael reached out and touched his red-tinted cheek. He wanted to touch that cheek forever.
“You mean it?” Alex asked. Michael nodded without hesitation. It was probably a little too soon--they’d only been dating for a little over a month--but it felt right nonetheless. “Okay. I love you too.”
“Do you mean it?” Michael said, more teasing than actually asking as he tugged Alex impossibly closer. A wide smile broke out onto Alex’s face as he nodded, reaching up for a kiss. “We should just move here.”
“Let’s do it,” Alex agreed.
“We can get a house. I’ll mow the lawn, and you can sit all pretty on the porch drinking mimosas while watching me.”
“Perfect plan. I’ll get some dumb job out here, like some office job, and work my way up to manager.”
“Why not do something fun like working in the library or giving guitar lessons?”
“You think I’m good enough to give guitar lessons?”
“I think you’re good enough to do literally anything. You’re Alex.”
Alex smiled, and his eyes drifted closed for a second. There was just an air of serenity around him that wasn’t really present any time before that he could think of. It was new and refreshing, and Michael wanted to hang onto it as long as he could.
“Okay,” Alex said, opening his eyes again, “For real. Let’s get out of Roswell and do something different.”
“Yeah,” Michael said, “Let’s do it.”
Michael couldn’t really tell if Alex was completely serious or not, but he knew he was. As much as he loved Isobel and Max and Sanders, he could always go back to visit. He couldn’t see a future where he stayed in Roswell, though. Especially not a future that involved keeping Alex. And even if this one conversation specifically wasn’t serious, Michael was sure that Alex was serious, no matter how scary the whole thing really was. But he knew Alex, and he trusted him.
They were going to get out, and it was going to be together. This was the end of all the bad bullshit that the world had given them.
At least they knew they wouldn’t hurt each other.
//
“Not to press, but are you seeing anyone?”
Alex scanned Michael’s face. There was something mischievous about it, like he knew exactly what the answer was, and he was asking on purpose. Alex huffed a laugh and licked his lips, shaking his head.
“No,” he said, “Are you?”
“I was at one point,” Michael said. It admittedly caught Alex off guard and made him feel a little stupid. He hadn’t really been waiting for Michael to show up like this, and he hadn’t wanted Michael to do that either, but he could list the amount of people who had lasted more than a single messy one-night stand on one hand. The idea that Michael had gone as far as seeing someone felt like Alex had missed something. “Hard to keep a boyfriend when you travel a lot. Causes a lot of trust issues.”
“Boyfriend?” Alex asked involuntarily. Thankfully, it went along with the game they were playing.
“I’m bisexual,” Michael said, staring at Alex so directly that even the darkness didn’t affect the impact.
Alex’s body started to feel warm. He had a label for it. It shouldn’t feel so strange or exciting that he had a label for it, but--he had a word for it. Openly. Out loud. No confusion or “I thought I was straight, and I’ve only been with girls, but I’m insanely attracted to you specifically.” Bisexual.
“Oh yeah?” Alex breathed.
“Yeah,” Michael said, and he said it like he knew exactly what Alex was feeling, “I’m kinda like ‘it’s my business and no one else’s, but I’m not gonna hide it’ about it, but my ex put a pride flag on my balcony and, well, I can’t take it down. Not when it’s pissed off all of my neighbors. They can’t win. How lame would that be.”
Michael had a place. He had neighbors. If his looks and the big kid job weren’t enough to prove that this was different from before, then that was. They were adults now.
Alex kicked his bag, drawing attention to it as he grabbed the strap to show the pride pin on it. Michael smiled so bright that Alex didn’t understand how it didn’t immediately solve the power outage.
“It’s a twisted kind of joy when they see it after they’ve decided they like you. Funnier when it’s in a professional setting, and they can’t say anything,” Alex told him.
Michael Guerin had always been an expressive person and now was no different. But the way he looked at him, the way his eyes lit up, the way he looked like everything just made sense for the first time in a long time, was a look that was so old and so new at the same time. It made it really clear that whatever he was feeling towards him wasn’t just nostalgia or a “what if” fantasy. This was real
“See, you get me,” Michael said.
Alex really did.
//
There was something so suffocating about the first date when you know that it’s a date.
Michael had spent more time with Alex than he’d spent with basically anyone else, considering they’d spent nearly every waking hour together since the day they met. They’d kissed. He was his boyfriend, but it was nerve-wracking to know that they were going on a for real date. This was the real deal. This is what he’d been waiting for.
“Hi,” Michael said as Alex walked up.
“Hi,” he said back. His hands were shoved in the pockets of his jeans, and his hair was laying flat on his forehead, clearly the aftermath of a rushed shower at the Ortecho residence on the way here from work. He still looked ridiculously incredible.
“You look nice,” Michael said quietly. Alex rolled his eyes, but his cheeks turned an undeniable shade of pink. Michael considered reaching out for his hand, but he decided against it the moment they both simultaneously looked around to make sure no one was really paying attention to them.
It was stupid, honestly. He saw groups of guys coming to see movies with their friends. Groups of girls. Couples of all ages. Children. They didn’t stand out. They were just two guys. No one would think anything, and if they did, they probably wouldn’t say anything.
But there was always that probably.
“Let’s go inside,” Alex said, gesturing inside, and Michael didn’t hesitate to follow suit.
They got their tickets and skipped the popcorn stand, instead choosing to head for the theatre. They were one of the first ones in there, and they chose to sit in the back right, hoping that would give them some semblance of privacy.
Michael didn’t know what to say or how to make small talk. His head was reeling on what to do to make sure this date wasn’t a complete failure. This was their first date. It just had to be good. If only he knew what to say and how to act without pushing too far or being too weird.
“Can I be honest?” Michael said, “I haven’t been to a theater to see a movie since, like, middle school when Max and Isobel’s mom would take us.”
“Really? Liz, Maria, and I go all the time. We’ll have to go more,” Alex said, brushing his hair off his forehead, “And I’ll have to take you to the drive-in one day.”
“Is that a promise?”
“Absolutely.”
People filtered into the theater, but there weren’t that many by the end of it. No one sat near them, and Michael let himself relax more as the theater darkened and the trailers began. This was going well. This would be a good first date.
And then Alex put his foot on top of Michael’s.
Neither of them moved as the movie started up, the weight of his foot suffocating in a way that made Michael lightheaded. They were touching in public. And maybe it wasn’t the most obvious thing in the world, but it was something that someone could not only see but something that anyone who did see would know that it wasn’t just guys being pals. That didn’t feel like a platonic touch.
Nothing with Alex felt platonic.
Michael had been on dates with girls before, usually as dates for fancy events as a statement piece or as an excuse just to end up hooking up, but none of them felt like it did with Alex. He couldn’t think of any other person who had him feeling so excited and dizzy with something as small as his foot touching his in a theatre. Alex was something else entirely. Being with Alex was like flinging himself into the sun without hesitation or repercussion. It was addictive. In the beginning, he’d considered the fact that it felt so new and exciting because Alex was a guy. Now, he was more sure than ever that it was because Alex was Alex.
Michael still wasn’t really sure what that meant for him. He didn’t know if that meant he was gay now or if Alex was just so fucking perfect that he excelled past the need for sexuality and gender roles. It was hard to tell.
There were big explosions happening on screen, loud noises shaking the theatre. He didn’t really know what they were seeing, only that it was an action film, and that seemed like the least likely thing that two guys on a date would go see. Still, as it got louder, Alex slipped his fingers into a hole in Michael’s jeans. Michael swallowed and looked over at Alex, but he was pretending to pay attention to the movie even as his finger moved up and down the small patch of Michael’s skin.
It was moments like that that really affirmed to Michael that it didn’t matter what he was. He could figure that out later.
Right now, he was fine with it just being about Alex.
//
“Can I ask something a little personal?”
“Have we not been doing that?”
“Okay, fine, I mean something serious,” Michael corrected. Both of them were laying their heads back on the headrests, facing each other and unable to not smile. Alex was more than a little convinced that if someone paid any attention to them, they’d think they were in love.
Alex wasn’t so sure they’d be wrong.
“You can ask me anything,” Alex said honestly. He had no intention of moving, no intention of taking his eyes off of him. Too many times when they were younger, he hadn’t watched Michael long enough, always too scared someone would notice and think something. He decided he no longer cared.
“What do you really want?” Michael asked, voice low and in that tone that hit Alex in his chest. The eye contact made it hit so much harder. For a moment, Alex considered channeling teenage Michael Guerin and saying ‘you’. “You’re clearly not happy in your current job if you want to work for yourself or at least get out. What do you want to do?”
Alex opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to find the right words for what to say. He hadn’t ever really had someone ask him something like that before. And even then, the last time someone had asked him something so open and blatant, it had been Michael himself.
“Software developer,” Alex said, though he could hear how unsure his own voice sounded, “I have ideas.”
Alex searched Michael’s eyes, craving that loud, undeniable recognition and that maybe even remembered some of his stupid ideas. He knew Michael knew who he was--or, at least, he was pretty sure--but he wanted to see it loudly. The longer he stared into his eyes, the more he thought he saw some sort of pride, but he still wasn’t sure if that was it.
“What kind of ideas?” Michael asked. In his own way, it almost felt rhetorical.
“Cybersecurity.”
“You’d be so much better than John McAfee.”
“Oh, thanks,” Alex laughed, nudging Michael until he let out a few giggles as well.
“You’re so welcome.”
It took a couple seconds before their laughter died down, still staring at each other. Alex wondered what it would be like to share a bed with him now. Would it be like this, laying and staring at each other and just being so fucking infatuated that they stayed up late into the night talking? Would they be able to keep their hands off each other? Would it be a blissful mix of both?
“You know, I always kinda wanted a partner who could come with me on business trips. Everywhere would feel like a vacation. Spend my days working, spend my nights taking long walks on the beach or making snow angels or just watching movies with my person,” Michael said.
“Are you trying to imply something?” Alex asked. If his eyes drifted to Michael’s lips, he could always say it was because he was waiting for a response.
There was a long pause, long enough that Alex both felt stupid for asking and excited for a response. It was crazy the things that Michael Guerin did to his brain.
“I don’t like to imply anything,” Michael said softly, “I like to be straightforward.”
Alex took a deep breath. He was more sure than ever that Michael knew exactly who he was. He didn’t call him on it. Not yet.
“Yeah,” Alex agreed, “That sounds like the dream.”
//
Okay. Maybe they were spending more than the normal amount of time together.
Michael, admittedly, couldn’t help it. He knew objectively that he was spending an obnoxious amount of time with Alex, but he never got bored of it, and Alex never called him out on it either. He was sort of waiting for the moment that Alex told him to go away, but he never did. Alex was kind of addictive, and the idea that Alex felt the same way about him was, well, even more addictive.
Even now, Michael was being annoying. Anyone else would’ve said something long before they got to the point where they were sharing an old bean bag while Michael watched him play his brother’s hand-me-down PSP. But Alex said nothing. Sometimes he considered that maybe Alex was too nice to say anything, but then he’d lean closer to Michael, and it didn’t seem like this was crossing any boundaries.
At one point, they’d been taking turns playing, but Michael realized at least a few hangouts ago that he was more than content watching Alex play. Today, though, he wasn’t even watching him play. He was just watching him. He was staring at Alex’s face, at the way his eyebrows pulled together when he focused, the way he smiled when he got excited, the way he bit his lip when he had to do the same thing over and over and couldn’t figure out how to win it. More importantly, he watched the way Alex leaned closer and closer and closer with each passing minute. They could blame it on the bean bag.
Michael, however, was too far gone to even deny it anymore. Alex was attractive in a way that scared the shit out of him. The kind of way that had him staring at the side of his face for hours like a weirdo. This wasn’t what friends did. Or, at least, never something he did with any of his friends before.
It didn’t take much thinking to realize how much time they’ve been spending together, how much they’ve talked and also been able to not talk without awkward silences, and how much they’ve been physically getting closer. It was enough to make lines blur in Michael’s head. Or, maybe more than just in Michael’s head.
“Alex,” Michael said impulsively and because he had no self-respect. Alex looked at him and didn’t even bother trying to come to a stopping point in his game first. It was stupid, but Michael’s heart was slamming in his chest anyway.
“Yeah?” Alex asked, a little hoarse from how little he’d been speaking. They hadn’t done much talking since Michael showed up. They sort of were just enjoying each other’s company like they had been for days. Michael didn’t want to stop enjoying his company.
Some part of him wanted to enjoy him a little bit more, even.
“Nothing.”
Alex gave a confused little smile, tilting his head in a way that Michael had far too many feelings about.
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.”
Alex went back to his game. Michael swallowed and tried to focus on it as well. But then he slowly but surely became very aware of every point they were touching at. Their thighs were pressed together, their hips, their torsos. Alex’s head was all but resting on his shoulder. He could smell his shampoo.
“Alex,” he said again.
“Yes?” Alex said, laughter in his voice as he looked at him. He wasn’t annoyed. He looked happy. How the hell was Michael supposed to breathe when he looked happy? Or when he looked like anything. When he existed.
“Nothing,” Michael said again. Alex huffed a laugh.
“Do you want to play or something? You can have your turns back,” he offered, going to hand him the PSP. Michael shook his head, pushing it back to him.
“No, seriously, all yours.”
“Okay, but what’s up? You can’t just say my name twice and then nothing,” Alex said. Michael breathed and kept his eyes on Alex, which may or may not have been a bad idea because then he really had to be aware of how attractive Alex is.
“Alex,” he said again. Alex scoffed, but it was playful.
“What? Spit it out. I can’t read your mind.”
Michael swallowed, his eyes drifting down to his lips and struggling to look away. “I kinda wish you could.”
Alex’s smile started to fade, which most definitely wasn’t his intention. “Why? Are… am I being annoying? Just tell me if I am.”
“No,” Michael said, shaking his head as he shifted closer. There really wasn’t much space to do so, and that was enough to make his thoughts clearer. “I just… I don’t…”
“Just say it,” Alex urged.
But he didn’t know what to say. So he just leaned forward, and he really expected Alex to move as far back as possible, so he moved slowly to give him time to either do that or push him or anything.
Instead, Alex met him halfway.
It was a life-changing moment when their lips met. Everything in Michael’s brain clicked and opened up. He grabbed Alex’s face, and Alex grabbed him back. The PSP slipped on the ground.
Michael pulled away just enough to look at his eyes.
“Sorry,” Alex whispered, but he didn’t let go.
“I did it,” Michael said back. Alex finally smiled again.
“Yeah,” he said, “You did. On purpose?”
“On so much purpose.”
“Cool. Me too.”
“Can I do it on purpose again?”
“Absolutely.”
Alex pulled him back in as he laid back into the bean bag, and Michael followed suit, both of them sinking in. It was the best idea he’d had since speaking to Alex in the first place.
He never wanted to stop.
//
Alex felt a little stupid for being upset when it became clear that they were close to getting the train up and running again.
He didn’t want to leave this place or Michael. It’d been over a decade away from him, and somehow, for the first time in all of his moving around, he finally felt like this is what he’d been searching for. In just this one hour of conversation, he didn’t feel as lost. It felt like he’d found his person. Like he found home. It didn’t make sense how, when he was younger, he’d managed to convince himself that the only way to thrive was to get away. Not only from Roswell but from the person who had already made him feel like he was thriving.
“Michael,” Alex said, saying his name out loud like it meant something for the first time in too many years, “You know it’s me, right?”
Michael looked at him, and it was a look Alex hadn’t seen in a decade. Endlessly fond. He wasn’t angry at him, clearly hadn’t been in a while despite the way things ended. All that time apart seemed to make it clear exactly what they were missing.
“Yeah. I know. I knew the moment you stepped on the train. Fate just gave me ample time to make sure I saw you again,” he said. Alex swallowed and tried not to show just how much he just wanted to cling onto him and this moment.
“I’m sorry,” Alex started instead, “For pushing you away like you were another part of Roswell, I needed to escape. I fucked up. I missed you. I wanted to find you again, but I was way too embarrassed to try.”
“I’m sorry for letting you go, for letting myself become a part of that fucking town as if I was just another statistic,” Michael scoffed, “I think we both knew I was more than that, but I was too fucking stupid to see it at the time. I missed you too.”
Alex smiled and reached for his hand. Michael accepted it, their fingers locking together.
Michael missed him too.
//
“Happy graduation day to me.”
Michael continued grumbling under his breath as he crawled beneath the bleachers. It was hot, and he was sweating, and he could barely focus with all the commotion going on above his head, but Isobel lost her earring, and it was probably worth more money than he could imagine, so he said he’d go get it. He hadn’t realized that going to get it would mean spending a solid fifteen minutes on his hands and knees in damp grass.
And he definitely didn’t realize it was going to lead to him fully running into someone while on his hands and knees.
Michael looked up to the person he hit, more than a little embarrassed. He was usually good at keeping his composure and not letting anything get to him, but he was already on edge, and this was just the icing on the shit cake. It didn’t help when he realized the person above him was probably the hottest guy he’d ever seen. Not that he ranked the guys he’d seen on a hotness scale or anything.
This guy was genuinely gorgeous, though, hair perfectly styled and outfit perfectly pristine. He looked unimpressed and bored at best, and Michael felt like now was time for awkward laughter. Thankfully, he managed to not do that and further embarrass himself.
“What are you doing?” the guy asked, and honestly, it was unfair that his voice sounded so nice on top of his looks.
“Looking for an earring,” Michael admitted, feeling too pathetic to come up with a cooler lie. The guy put his phone into his pocket.
“What does it look like?”
Somehow, for the next 15 minutes, Michael ended up having the help of, again, the hottest guy in school as they searched for Isobel’s earring. It was a little weird, honestly. He can’t imagine anyone else just dropping everything to help him look for an earring that wasn’t even his.
“So, how long have you gone to Roswell? Because I’ve literally never seen you before,” Michael said.
“I can say the same thing about you,” the guy said, “I’ve been going here all my life.”
“Really? I’ve been going here since I was 11. That’s so weird we’ve never seen each other,” Michael said, peeking over at him. The guy was focusing on the ground, and Michael noticed that he had his own pair of earrings in his ears. Something about it made Michael’s stomach tense. “My friend is Isobel Evans, though. I’m sure you’ve heard of her.”
The guy huffed a laugh, “Yeah, I have. Her brother is basically in love with my friend Liz.”
Michael scoffed, “You’re friends with Liz? Literally, how the hell have I never seen you.”
“I don’t know. The universe probably had a reason,” he said, “Maybe we’re meant to be arch-nemesis, and we had to have a neutral beginning.”
Michael grinned, “Maybe so.”
The more they talked as they looked for the earring, the more Michael felt drawn to him. He felt robbed that they had never met before. Something about him just drew Michael in. They just clicked. He knew it.
“Oh, shit, hey,” the guy said, standing up and wiping his hands on his pants. Michael looked up and grinned as the guy held out the little earring that Isobel had lost.
“Thank you,” Michael said, accepting the earring. The guy’s hand touched his, and it was cold. Something about it made Michael’s brain malfunction apparently because instead of just letting his hand go away like a normal person, he shook it.
The guy laughed and helped pull him up to his feet. Michael felt hot, and he blamed it on how much he’d been crawling around.
“Alex,” Alex said.
“Michael,” Michael said.
“Cool,” Alex said, “You got anything to do this summer?”
“No.”
“Me neither.”
It took a whole three seconds of silence before Michael realized his hand was very much still in Alex’s from when he helped him up. He didn’t really want to let go for some reason, but he pulled his hand away as casually as possible.
“So, like, wanna hang out? You seem cool,” Alex said. Micahel almost had to laugh at that. There was no way any of this encounter had made him seem cool, but he didn’t want to say no.
Every bone in his body refused to entertain saying no.
“Yes.”
//
The lights come back on.
The train starts back up.
They’re moving, headed for a stop, and all Alex could feel was absolute dread. He didn’t know when Michael was planning on getting off the train, and he isn’t sure how much time they have together. Somehow things went from infinite to finite so quickly, and he felt a little sick about it. Alex needed to do something.
Michael looked even better in the light.
It was surreal and a little jarring how good he looked in the light. All the features the darkness hid were clear now, and he was so, so clearly the same man who he’d been thinking about for a decade. He didn’t want to lose him again.
The entire time the lights had been out, they’d been talking about what they wanted. Going places, doing things, finding their person, letting him go just felt counterproductive to it all.
Alex squeezed the hand that was laced with his before readjusting it so he could give him a firm handshake. Michael’s face broke out into a smile of pure childish excitement as he went along with it.
“When are you getting off this train?” Alex asked, straightforward.
“Two stops.”
“You got anything to do?”
“No. You wanna get off with me?”
“Yes.”
They both breathed a little harder than necessary, and they didn’t let go. It felt good to say yes. To do something because he wanted to. It felt good to see him smile and to know maybe they were getting a second chance. And even if this all went to shit, it didn’t matter. Only now mattered.
This is the beginning, a real one where they both get a say. They can both be on the same page and make sense of it this time. They had all the time in the world.
“Nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you too.”
Alex couldn’t wait to get to know him again.
