#roadtorelapse

[stressedd-and-depressedd]

Phase one: shaking

[joesutherland86]

A path more often traveled by most.

I suppose it’s finally time I begin to write down my thoughts for somebody, if anybody to see. I guess I’ll begin with the fact that I am an addict in every sense. I’m addicted to drugs and women. This is real stuff guys. I am an addict in recovery. When you walk in to a 12 step program it’s hard to feel like things could get bad. In the beginning when we give ourselves to the program we feel great. Most call it the pink cloud. I call it bull shit. For the last year I have been up and down to the point that I was telling myself that no one here is like this. Now that’s bull shit because everyone in the rooms we walk in to is no different than the person to their left or right. I would get some clean time and burn it up in a bad decision. Slowly beginning a bad spiral to my old way of thinking. Only in yourself will you discover the true meaning of recovery if you are ready to discover it. I would tell myself that I’m a different kind of addict than this or that person and stop going to meetings. Well that only landed me up at my dealers house eventually. Over time I start to realize that I always thought step 1 was easy, admitting I’m an addict and stepping out of denial. Well yes I am an addict that’s not hard to see but denial? That’s a tough one for me. I never feel like I’m still living in denial but clearly I am if I still get loaded and don’t trust in myself to be a better person. Denial to me before was thinking that I’m not an addict but I see now that it goes much deeper. Denial to me is now the fact that I’m running from something I struggle to even see in my heart. I think I’m afraid to live a normal life again, scared to actually have to work for my money, fearful of having to raise a child alone and not self medicating to function easier. In all reality life is not hard, but with the way our fucked up minds operate in active addiction seems to convince us that it is so hard. I will always love getting high, nothing will ever stop that. I always tell myself that I don’t like my life when I’m getting loaded though, which is the truth by all means. I use and I’m lost, I don’t use and I am a father to my son, I use and I isolate, I don’t use and get out of my head and enjoy life for what it has to offer. Realizing that denial is so much more than thinking I’m a different addict than another or not one at all has been eye opening for me. I now can see that I am worth being clean. I can actually be someone again and get over my case of the fuck it’s. I stop caring even when I truly want to care. I’ll end this with saying that to anyone who has clean time and is serious, this should all be obvious, but to a new comer or someone that hasn’t quite gotten a grasp on this or let their old thinking push out what they have learned this is profound and mind blowing.