#roast post

[ask-aurachnid]

My thoughts on Spider-Man

no sense of color theory. The man really said "two primary colors should definitely be my brand." My dude, if you're gonna do that, at least heavily desaturate/darken one of them.

why is the blue so shiny??

cannot make tea. I think he microwaved it with the teabag in the cup, and it hurts my soul.

chatty. how does he come up with quips so quickly?

He needs more friends. I saw him talking to a moth yesterday.

cannot glow. Lame :0P

short.

[your-raifu-is-shit]

Roast the primarchs

Alright, let’s do this -

Lion El’Johnson: Edgy loner, the epitome of That Guy we all knew in high school who insisted he just couldn’t get along with other people because he was “too different and special” but really was just an unlikable dick with a superiority complex.

REDACTED: Stupid fuck who REDACTED despite REDACTED, what a REDACTED mook.

Fulgrim: Narcissistic twat who could have avoided falling to Chaos if he spent 1/4th as much time engaged in critical thinking as he did on his hair.

Perturabo: Whiny bitch who never understood that other people have feelings too and aren’t just machines.

Jaghatai Khan: That douche who revs his goddamn Harley at 3am, just fuck off we’re trying to sleep you cunt. Also does not play well with others and expects his subordinates to make up for it.

Leman Russ: Broseidon, Lord of the Broceans and Primarch of the Frat Boys. Literally gave himself his own nickname of “The Emperor’s Executioner” despite Lion being the one with access all the fun doomsday toys. Also just a little bit too eager to commit genocide, even by Space Marine standards.

Rogal Dorn: Blandy McBlandface

Konrad Curze:  Edgelord Supreme, all his furniture is probably that red-and-black Gamer™-style crap from the early 2000s.

Sanguinius: .... I got nothing, Glorious Hawk Boy is perfect and unroastable.

Ferrus Manus: So horrendously bad at teaching his sons that they literally took the exact opposite position of his stance on flesh vs machinery.

REDACTED: Even more of a REDACTED than REDACTED up above. Would have been cool despite that if not for REDACTED.

Angron: Dude, seriously, chill the fuck out.

Roboute Guilliman: DIRTY XENOS FUCKER

Mortarion: Smells like day 3 of an anime convention

Magnus the Red: Too headstrong to listen to other people, too much of a pussy to help his sons when they catch the heat for his fuckup.

Horus Lupercal: “WAAAAH, I’m so strong and smart and successful that now everyone expects things of me! WOE IS ME!” shut the fuck up you pissbaby, learn how to manage expectations.

Lorgar Aurelian: Shut-in NEET that spent literal millennia faffing about in his basement despite getting a bitchin’ upgrade to Demon Prince.

Vulkan: Actually a pretty cool guy, unless you’re an Eldar in which case it’s “If you didn’t want to be burned to death then why are you flammable?”

Corvus Corax: CRAAAAWLING IIIIIN MY SKIIIIIN

Alpharius: Fancies himself a master of 5-D hyper chess but gets played like a fiddle by the first people to give him a task more complex than “kill these backwoods rubes.”

Omegon: Still unironically shares “We are Anonymous, We Are Legion” memes from old /b/. Probably owns at least one fedora trilby and will get really mad if you get it wrong.

[boosyboo9206]

@schweeeppess . . . 😈😈

For real, this is so me, though.

[your-raifu-is-shit]

Roast the baby eagle?

It’s a Jericho 941 re-branded for people who don’t know the difference.

No, literally, that’s it.

It’s a bog-standard Wonder Nine that Magnum Research markets by riding the coattails of the fame/infamy of the meme-iest gun ever made. There’s no actual connection to the Desert Eagle whatsoever in terms of mechanical design or function, MR just knows that there’s a subset of people out there who want the badass factor of a Deagle without paying $1.50/round for .50AE + whatever the inevitable wrist surgery costs.

[your-raifu-is-shit]

Roast GATE THE JSDF

Ha, knew this would come in sooner or later since I used Kuribayashi as my icon for so long.

Gate: Thus the JSDF Fought There is the very concept of jingoism made manifest. It’s like a Japanese version of Team America: World Police without the satire.

For those who never saw it, the summary is thus - one day out of nowhere a big-ass gate opens up in the middle of Tokyo, and from said gate streams out a bunch of medieval warriors and fantasy creatures. They proceed to wreak havoc in the city for a few minutes until the JSDF arrives and promptly wrecks their shit because it turns out mail armor does fuck-all against assault rifles and even dragons go down quick against 30 mike-mike. The JSDF then pushes through to the other side of the gate and sets up a base on the other side, declares the entire new world to be Japanese territory, and continues to wreck everyone’s shit because that’s what happens when peasants with 13th century tactics and equipment face against a 21st century professional military. There’s a bunch of court intrigue/backstabbing that goes on in the fantasy kingdom over whether they should continue to fight these obviously militarily superior invaders or maybe consider some kind of diplomatic solution, all of which serves no purpose beyond providing an excuse for yet more military porn. Christ, there’s even a fucking Apocalypse Now helicopter scene.

Back in our world there’s a subplot involving a basic attempt by the author to look at the international political ramifications of one country making a unilateral claim on this newly discovered world, which leads to nothing except a hilariously one-sided battle in which a couple of regular JSDF soldiers curb-stomp the combined elite special forces of the US, Russia, and China simultaneously because GLORIOUS NIPPON STRONK.

Gate is the unholy love child of a katana-loving weeaboo and a flag-waving Bible-belt ‘murican ultranationalist. It’s a fun show and I enjoyed every minute of it (hell, I even bought the fancy-ass box set that came with a flag and a patch) but it is utterly devoid of any artistic merit.

[your-raifu-is-shit]

Roast ze flammenwerfer.

Flamethrowers are one of those ideas that sound awesome in concept but fall apart under the slightest bit of scrutiny.

Sounds badass at first, right? “I’m gonna set that sumbitch on fire from half a block away!” Well, there’s your first problem right there - you gotta get too damn close.  The entire history of warfare - from clubs to spears to bows to guns to artillery to aircraft to long range missiles to rail guns and hypersonics - has been about getting farther from the other guy, not closer. Man-portable flamethrowers top out around 30-40 meters max range, well within the range where even a beginning shooter can hit a man-sized target with a rifle.

Well, ok, so they’re shit if you’re outside, but what about in more confined settings like clearing out trenches or bunkers? The problem there is how damn big and bulky they are. Just look at that picture - that’s a big fucking tank on his back. WWII flamers ranged anywhere from 40-80 lbs in weight and would make trying to maneuver through any confined space a bitch. Now you’re just a big, fat, slow target, and one that’s probably gonna pull a shit-ton of aggro to boot. The Hollywood depiction of a single bullet causing the entire tank to ignite isn’t super likely, but a puncture in the pressurized tank could still cause it to rupture and throw shrapnel everywhere.

Flamethrowers are all about style over substance - they look cool and intimidating as hell, but they’ve got nothing to back it up and there’s a reason they fell out of favor post-WWII and into complete obsolescence by the end of Vietnam.

[your-raifu-is-shit]

roast mr blobby then

So I hadn’t even fucking heard of Mr Blobby before now, my wife had to introduce me to him via this video exploring the most offensively British theme park I’ve ever seen.

Apparently this thing

was a huge fucking deal in Britain back in the 90s because of some TV show hosted by some dude who I am assured was a Big Deal™ because of.... reasons? I don’t know exactly, I wasn’t going to dishonor the spirit of America by giving some Britbong any more than the bare minimum regard.

The point is, Mr Blobby being such a big deal gave someone the bright idea to try and make a theme park around him.

It didn’t really work, so they tried it again.

And then they tried it again, because pattern recognition isn’t something you normally associate with Britain for a reason.

One of these parks was such a disaster it literally resulted in not one but two political parties losing their seats in a city council, leaving said council the hands of some minor independent party and the fucking Green Party.

So I guess what I’m getting at is I can’t in good conscience roast Mr Blobby, because by sowing chaos and discord among the British countryside I think he’s technically an American hero.

[your-raifu-is-shit]

OTs-12

It’s an AK but chambered in 9x39mm.

Ok, so to properly appreciate what led to the OTs-12 we need to go back a bit.

The original AK-47 was chambered in the (at the time) new and exciting 7.62x39mm round. It was the first successful, true assault rifle and set the standard for decades blah blah blah. It was further developed into the AKM, chambered in the same 7.62, and became even more widely used. 7.62x39 kept the same diameter as the Russians’ earlier 7.62x54mm round but shortened it to make it lighter (so soldiers could carry more ammo) and more controllable (so they could actually hit what they were aiming at).

When the 1970s rolled around, the Soviets took note of the US’ success over the past decade or so in using the 5.56 round - an even smaller caliber, higher velocity bullet let soldiers carry even more ammo and made for even more controllable full auto fire. They decided to match it with their 5.45 and created the AK-74, which (much like the American M16) has soldiered on to this day with only minor changes. Much like the US shortened the M16 to make the M4 carbine, the Russians shortened the AK-74 to make the AKS-74U.

Then we get to the 1990s.

After a few decades of 5.56/5.45 dominance in the world of infantry weapons, people are getting antsy for something new. Not for any real reason, just because they’re bored and need some project to justify their paychecks. In Russian this took the form of finally finishing development of the 9x39mm round (which had technically been around since the 1940s but never really went anywhere). Someone got the idea of taking the AKS-74U and going backwards up the tech tree - re-chambering it from the small and fast 5.45 to the big and slow 9x39. The potential benefits of this new OTs-12 were two-fold: a bigger round would have better penetration through cover, and a slower round is better for sound suppression.

This sounds great, as long as you failed high school physics. The rest of us can immediately see the problem: Kinetic Energy = 0.5 * mass * velocity^2.

Velocity has a much bigger impact on KE than mass, so if you drop velocity even a little bit you need a BIG increase in mass to keep the same KE.

The end result of this is a weapon that works pretty well for a very small subset of missions and is inferior to existing weapons for everything else. You want to storm a building? Great, you’ve got something that hits hard at short ranges and can be suppressed for being all sneaky-breeki. Are there hostages? Sucks to be them, because that extra mass means it’ll go right through the wall and hit whoever is in the next room over!

Actually, considering Russia, that’s probably seen as a feature not a bug.

The OTs-12 never even went into mass production and was replaced by an even goofier AK derivative.