I Want to Know What Love Is
One day, you have a scheduled videochat with a educated person,a well-known YouTuber, who will put together a variety of single women in the Los Angeles area for helpful dating advice book. She gives you examples of what she looking for. Romantic Archetypes. And you being a nervous nilly, repeat yourself in the simplest way. The same way your mom does and it gets on your ever loving nerves when she does it! Because essentially, you are just repeating the same phrase but, with the words in different order. So, as soon as you get off the Skype call and snap out of the anxious haze you finally go back to your equiquent self and gather the follow:
I am a woman approaching 30′s (cringe slightly) who has the outward appearance of a late teen early 20′s. Which is why when I vocalize to others about dating, finding love, and having a boyfriend I get the auto response of, “ oh you’re young! You have plenty of time response.” But just like any other person growing up in this generational age of 24-35, I am in that group where most of my well nature friends are partner up, married, and possible a parent to one or more children. And thanks to social media, social conforms, and parental pushing I feel like I way behind the 8-ball as far as a love life is concern.
The thing is, I was a late bloomer and a bookworm. I kept my nose in books through my formative dating years and did not really start to think about my romance until I was 19, when my sexual hormones finally woke the fuck up. Thus, leaving me going through the awkward stages of puberty during college while my cohorts had been there done that. This lead to years of me meeting cute guys that only saw me as one of the bros and other sleazy guys taking advantage of my innocent demeanor to fulfill some sick twisted fancy of theirs.
Fast forward to my post graduate years, two years I had a full time job that I chose to leave last year cause I felt like I deserved better pay and most importantly better overall treatment as an employee. I now work two part-time jobs because I my happiness is worth more than the big bucks. I aspire to one day make a career involving writing, traveling, and/ or food (if I'm fortunate enough all three.)
That being said, I forgo through this change of being self aware of my actions, wants, and needs I desire to share my life with someone. There was a year and a half I have found myself in situations ships that seemed serious on the surface. On one hand we had the Taurus, who charm and whit with hints of sexual tension is what kept us drawn to one another. Until Mr. Taurus could not get over his cheating ex, whom they dated for 3 years. And although expressed how alluring I was and wanting to get to know me, he didn’t want to make me a rebound and make my natural inner light dim if he where my feelings could get hurt.
On the other hand we had the Cancer. Ever the emotional one, Mr. Cancer had the ability to make me feel I was the empathic loving person they needed for a lifetime. Mr. Cancer loved planting seeds of future by asking serious questions of moving in together, marriage, and importance of a strong love, and kids. He would question me things that in a normal relationship would be praised. I didn’t have a lock on my phone so, he could see the incoming and outgoing text at will. He scolded me for it. I thought I was being open and honest like most of my friends craved from the ones they loved. When a text in from a friend that happen to be a guy (most often gay, honorary fruit fly), Cancer boy would jump down my throat and accuse me of cheating on him. Something I would never do cause I would be so elated someone like me back for once why would I fuck that up. Well a few months of that, him gushing about my upcoming birthday of his baby, only to dump days before my birthday. He called me, asked me why I texted and call him that day (it was only two times) told me to shut the fuck up, hung up in my face and never spoke to me again. That is LITERALLY the beginning and end of my “dating” history.
Due to my lack true dating experience, I find myself falling into the same two patterns I mention before with men. Friend or spankbank buddy. Ultimately this is not what I am looking for. I feel like its important to be friends before you become romantically involved and be an official couple before you decide to fuck like rabbits. Sadly, 97% of the guys of I give my number to, just want sex. I deserve someone who can essentially fuck my mind thus, making want to fuck their body. I really want some one who supports me and my vision as much as I would theirs. To be realistic, they need to be compromising and willing to communicate even if that means they might win or lose a disagreement; right or wrong side. But just knowing I can count on them when it seems like the world is imploding on me (cause sometimes it feels that way with family or financial drama). Can you help me with that?
