Peppercorn in a Sea of Salt

short stories long about an African American girl growing, living, and thriving in a world not meant for her

[prinnay]

Overcast

[peppercornnaseaofsalt]

This is me now that I finally setting in to my inner peace quite nicely

[peppercornnaseaofsalt]

[prinnay]

Pink sunflower

[peppercornnaseaofsalt]

In San Fran they call me Sunflower

[peppercornnaseaofsalt]

Shake Ground: You have to start somewhere

Hello dear reader,

I think I’m finally going to get my ish together (seeing how life doesn’t grant you wishes and intuition tells me that Prince Charming isn’t coming either.)

As independent as I am I get in “funks” aka depression but black communities ignore that and call it “ something ain’t right with that boy/girl”. Anyways I know the first two thirds of this year has been the woe as me train. Too many downs not enough play time not enough people in my corner cheering me up or on.

Then this weekend it struck me hard. Girl, you realize that life owes you nothing. You already know people ain’t shit. Stop waiting for people to take notice do you. Cause fuckery comes and goes. Just like friendships. You may be longing to be with people but clearly your vibrations are meshing at the moment despite how you want them to see and feel you. It’s a jagged pill to swallow but, sigh just take the medication. The sooner you taste the bitter the better off you’ll be.

I let everything, everyone, everywhere just mess with my mental. It’s trickled down to my physical and when even my stretchiest of clothing looks like I borrow it that’s a problem.

So this past weekend I picked myself up. I told myself your waking up early on Saturday. Remember your friend from high school, the one who throwing the free boxing classes your gonna get your lazy ass up and move that flabby body. If you hate the way you feel and look now is the time to do something about it.

And you know what I was so anxious that night. I woke up every hour thinking I was gonna over sleep and miss it like the previous weekend. The same anxiousness I USED TO get when I ran 5ks. And when it was time I got up I went.

I was embarrassed that when I went to my workout drawers only the loudest of leggings fit and I could only find the weirdest looking shoes but I told myself that was the small price I had to pay for me not looking out for myself. I had selfishly let myself go down into the “I don’t give a shit” hole and it had physically manifested itself into a body I no longer recognized.

But as my old friend saw me lumber up the park’s walkway, the biggest smile crossed his face. He was happy to see me come out and support him. And here I was worried about how I looked, when his whole purpose is to help people like myself realize all the wonder their body can do and to grow his fitness buisness. In a way, we were scratching each other’s back. I felt a genuine aura of gratitude and I thanked him repeatedly for being patient and motivating me and the other ladies for free. And until the unforeseeable future I know where my big black ass will be every Saturday mornings at 8. I’m not doing this for anyone else other than myself.

[peppercornnaseaofsalt]

[peppercornnaseaofsalt]

It’s Just TOO Much

Dear Reader,

I know I owe you a decent update or two. This month, heck this year has be an overall reflection of my life. Hectic typhoon of otter hell due to my family not having their SHIT together. Heck I haven’t had my shit together either but leave it to my family to push me back into the role of “emotional baggage dumping grounds.” It’s a role I know far too well. It’s one, when in times where my life is together I can take the old saying “in one ear and out the other”, however like I said I’m dealing with my own stuff and my family can’t hear me no matter how calm or angry I display am NOT here for their bullshit.

Sigh... I can’t do what I once did as a kid and push the anguish deep down and let it fester but I don’t no how to keep them from dragging me into their vortex of circling the drain of lack of communication and functioning hell. So please forgive me as I try to find my life jacket.

[peppercornnaseaofsalt]

Who’s the Author?

Dear Reader,

I need you to realize the following applies to your life as well as yours.

I am the author of MY life

And sometimes people go from minor, recurring, to a starring characters in my story. Our adventures can fill chapters, full of daring feats of wonder, passion, tragedy, wisdom, and laughter. But don't get it twisted. Just cause your a main character today doesn't mean one day, I won't choose to write you off.

Reader 1: Oh wow, did you read the latest from Chronicles of Peppercorn?

Reader 2: Yeah, why she had to kill off "X" ? They were my favorite and they seemed so good for each other.

For this writer is kind not blind, bruh. 😏 Go ahead throw me a curveball and see what happens.

[gahdamnpunk]

And that’s tea

[peppercornnaseaofsalt]

Perception

Ever observant

But no ones looking out for me

Just me looking out for what lurks in the darkness

What irks my nerves is everything seems heartless

half assed

But my optimism will do its best to look past

To the better option

the better you

But you look at me and see all the work there is to do

I love me and my meaning and all of its imperfections

But the humanoid side of me longs for everlasting affection

For people see ME and not all that needs to done

But sees the shit I’ve be dragged through

And the beautiful well function mess I’ve become

[peppercornnaseaofsalt]

People Pleaser

People pleaser

I want to make you prouder

I work harder

Smile brightly

I push the finish line further

Work ethic is high

Knowledgeable at best

But I crumble when I put you to the test

My inner child is not impressed

This not where she saw herself

She fall hella short

Of her self wealth

Beaten brow

Beaten down

Can’t see past the here and now

Pick and choose what’s worth it to you

But you never put yourself first

You love to dread and drone on

When you aren’t at your best

Why? Is it that you don’t love yourself

Why? Is it that love the pouty doubt

Why? Don’t you think you deserve happiness yet you know you deserve better

Contradicting thoughts cause you are so busting as to assist the one who dismiss your efforts and sale it back at clearance prices

Excuse you yes me better your reality

So stop pleasing them and go help yourself

[peppercornnaseaofsalt]

I Want to Know What Love Is

One day, you have a scheduled videochat with a educated person,a well-known YouTuber, who will put together a variety of single women in the Los Angeles area for helpful dating advice book. She gives you examples of what she looking for. Romantic Archetypes. And you being a nervous nilly, repeat yourself in the simplest way. The same way your mom does and it gets on your ever loving nerves when she does it! Because essentially, you are just repeating the same phrase but, with the words in different order. So, as soon as you get off the Skype call and snap out of the anxious haze you finally go back to your equiquent self and gather the follow:

Hi, I’m Peppercorn

I am a woman approaching 30′s (cringe slightly) who has the outward appearance of a late teen early 20′s. Which is why when I vocalize to others about dating, finding love, and having a boyfriend I get the auto response of, “ oh you’re young! You have plenty of time response.”  But just like any other person growing up in this generational age of 24-35, I am in that group where most of my well nature friends are partner up, married, and possible a parent to one or more children. And thanks to social media, social conforms, and parental pushing I feel like I way behind the 8-ball as far as a love life is concern. 

The thing is, I was a late bloomer and a bookworm. I kept my nose in books through my formative dating years and did not really start to think about my romance until I was 19, when my sexual hormones finally woke the fuck up. Thus, leaving me going through the awkward stages of puberty during college while my cohorts had been there done that. This lead to years of me meeting cute guys that only saw me as one of the bros and other sleazy guys taking advantage of my innocent demeanor to fulfill some sick twisted fancy of theirs.

Fast forward to my post graduate years, two years I had a full time job that I chose to leave last year cause I felt like I deserved better pay and most importantly better overall treatment as an employee. I now work two part-time jobs because I my happiness is worth more than the big bucks. I aspire to one day make a career involving writing, traveling, and/ or food (if I'm fortunate enough all three.)

That being said, I forgo through this change of being self aware of my actions, wants, and needs I desire to share my life with someone. There was a year and a half I have found myself in situations ships that seemed serious on the surface. On one hand we had the Taurus, who charm and whit with hints of sexual tension is what kept us drawn to one another. Until Mr. Taurus could not get over his cheating ex, whom they dated for 3 years. And although expressed how alluring I was and wanting to get to know me, he didn’t want to make me a rebound and make my natural inner light dim if he where my feelings could get hurt.

On the other hand we had the Cancer. Ever the emotional one, Mr. Cancer had the ability to make me feel I was the empathic loving person they needed for a lifetime. Mr. Cancer loved planting seeds of future by asking serious questions of moving in together, marriage, and importance of a strong love, and kids. He would question me things that in a normal relationship would be praised. I didn’t have a lock on my phone so, he could see the incoming and outgoing text at will. He scolded me for it. I thought I was being open and honest like most of my friends craved from the ones they loved. When a text in from a friend that happen to be a guy (most often gay, honorary fruit fly), Cancer boy would jump down my throat and accuse me of cheating on him. Something I would never do cause I would be so elated someone like me back for once why would I fuck that up. Well a few months of that, him gushing about my upcoming birthday of his baby, only to dump days before my birthday. He called me, asked me why I texted and call him that day (it was only two times) told me to shut the fuck up, hung up in my face and never spoke to me again. That is LITERALLY the beginning and end of my “dating” history. 

Due to my lack true dating experience, I find myself falling into the same two patterns I mention before with men. Friend or spankbank buddy. Ultimately this is not what I am looking for. I feel like its important to be friends before you become romantically involved and be an official couple before you decide to fuck like rabbits. Sadly, 97% of the guys of I give my number to, just want sex. I deserve someone who can essentially fuck my mind thus, making want to fuck their body.  I really want some one who supports me and my vision as much as I would theirs. To be realistic, they need to be compromising and willing to communicate even if that means they might win or lose a disagreement; right or wrong side. But just knowing I can count on them when it seems like the world is imploding on me (cause sometimes it feels that way with family or financial drama). Can you help me with that?

[peppercornnaseaofsalt]

And Then She was Gone...

Growing up I spent so much time alone. Not by choice. Try as I might I would try to fit in. Say I liked a color, cartoon, or person just to connect with peers. But I never really worked out. I was always deem weird. Most notably was my third grade softball team. I was excited about the idea of joining a sport my older sister was actively involved in. All younger siblings at one point and time idolizing our older siblings/cousins. To make things even more cooler I was going to get to hang with my best friend, Stuck. You see, my mom made me move the second day of third grade to new school, thus leaving all my friends including Stuck behind. I was pissed to say the least. I went from a diverse school where I could wear jeans and purple shirts and siting at the same table as Stuck, to wearing hot navy blue slacks and white polo t shirts and isolated cause I did not look like everyone else. I guess signing me up for this sport was my moms attempt to make a subtle peace offering with me. 

But man, when I tell you the only person to really interact with me was good old pal, is an understatement. I remember this girl name Lisa, she couldn't stand me. And quickly she had all the other girls feeling the same way. Typical mob mentally stuff. Not passing me the ball as well as the constant taunting about how completely weird I was.

“Hey Pep, when are you going to get that brain transplant?” 

“Stuck, why are you even friends with such a weirdo?”

It’s it odd that even typing this makes me tear up a little.

It is incidents like these that made me quit trying to fit in and act EXTRA odd. I mean, Stuck, tried her best to get them off my back but, to no avail. I was an outcast so, needless to say I did not come back the next season. Softball, ballet, tap dance, heck even Girl Scouts troop with my cousins. The latter attempt hurt the more, than the former because at least then I would not be the only black kid and the whole “we are family” vibe it was stop the exclusions. Nope. No even there could I find the “I finally belong” feeling that had been missing.

Thus, no surprise I am an Introverted adult, begrudgingly I might add. I fallen into I, “ wish I had constant companion” trope again. I can help that I feel like somethings always missing feeling. The only time I really feel safe is when at least one person wants to be in my presence. I have the irrational fear of dying alone/never falling in love. I always have had that one lone friend that inner spidy sense tells them to checked up on me, called me often, or invited me to hang. But as I gotten older it’s gotten harder to do. Everyone one I know for the most part has paired up 2 by 2, like in Noah's ark, same and opposite sex partners alike. So, I end up spending nights and weekends and alone hoping that one of them remembers my “blast in a glass” attitude and include me in the third or fifth wheel activities. Not, that I want to be going out every night, cause that crap drains the shit out of me trying to look like a care about some bull-ish, when I just want to feel included. I also get tired as ALL HELL having my older sister, bug me to babysit constantly with her cavalier notion that I forever at her disposal because I have no boyfriend or real social life. She never bothers to invite me to any place unless she's on the outs with her current new rotation of friends/boyfriend. But that’s for another story.

I guess, what I hinting at is, the fact is, with everyone having someone to talk, cuddle, fuck, love, etc. all over the inter webs and social media, its hard for my mind not to wonder what am I lacking. Especially, when I see good friends of mine hanging out in groups of four or more, get the burning feeling like I was not included or constantly looked over on purpose. A simple phone call or text to see if I was working, have money, or whatnot would have been nice. But instead depending on how many Instagram or snapchat stories I view, leave me feeling empty and dissed. 

That’s why I decided to log off my three social media accounts for a week, or at least until Friday when I go out with my mom for my Mother’s Day treat. I am tired of looking and comparing and losing my self worth in things that would be happening regardless if I witness them or not. I mean even when I am out by myself and post no one bothers to interact through these sites anyway. If they do it’s usually just a quick lol not, questions and answer time. So, I’ll just go ghost since no one is going notice either way. It’s for my greater peace of mind.

Wish me luck Dear Reader, even if you don't bother reading this.

[peppercornnaseaofsalt]

Jury Duty

So today is the day we as voting American citizen are forced to do at least once. Man I wrote some real eloquently stuff as I sat in that room and read Trevor Noah’s book but now I can’t find the poems and thoughts. I’m sorry readers. I will do better next blog post. I want to be captivating and constant so my writing will garner more attention, become stronger, and more captivating through you guys commenting. Please forgive me

[peppercornnaseaofsalt]

I’m a sucker for ice cream

[peppercornnaseaofsalt]

Conversation Succubus

Hello Dear Reader,

How’s it going? Where have you been? Well I been… (trails off into story that leads to trail of many 6 degrees of separation stories that last for 20 minutes before) Oh my gosh, I forgot what were we talking about? Oh, you have to go? But you never told me what happen at work. Okay talk to you next time. Love you.

Reader, you see that? That person is phone me. ChucklesTerrible, right? It was recently brought to my attention how having a conversation over the phone with me is draining as I never let the person good friend or family get a word in oruh huh, yeah, really,or any slight but in response to fly. And to make matters worse a lot of my tie in stories have negative undertone. YIKES!!!I took the ability to freely among my friends talk for granted.  My very good friend, Mickey, did acknowledge it’s probably a learned habit from my mother, who railroads 90% of the conversations I start with her. When she does it in person and over the phone, moms will interrupt me randomly and after years of conditioning, I zone off and even when I try to interject to get the talking to stop I get a “let me finish” response. So, I find constant interactions with my mom to be completely draining do to the lack of balance, how the paths make it way back to the 3 trigger relationships she has with her own mother, my father, and my sister, or the negativity zone.  I deemed it that because it seems like no matter how I spend something she has a way of leave a bitter pessimistic ending.

So, Mickey, let me know that although I do not turn every antidote about myself and relationship struggles, over the phoneI will, like my mother, takeover a discussion and railroad it into the ground with all my negative tie ins. I will let people speak in person and over text but for whatever reason my mind drifts into “yay, someone’s actively listening to me opinions” mode of no return. I have to give Mickey, props for letting me know this problem in the kindest funniest way possible. It was said out frustration but not in a mean tone or way. I love my homie for that. He has this air about him where he hates openly hurt people feelings without just cause. Mickey even pointed out how he himself need to work on mellowing out turning every response into one that has a sexual undertone. That let me know, we are all human, we will never be perfect, but as long as we acknowledge are more harmful imperfections and actively work on them, the world will be a better place.

That’s my challenge for you as well, Dear Reader. Find and recognize a problem area that you have and do your best to work to fix it. It could be as minor as mine or major. Let’s work on this journey to be the better versions of ourselves.

See you next time,

Peppercorn

[helaas--pindakaas]

please... if you’re going to attempt to speak in “old” english

THOU is the subject (Thou art…) THEE is the object (I look at thee) THY is for words beginning in a consonant (Thy dog) THINE is for words beginning in a vowel (Thine eyes)

this has been a psa

[gehayi]

Also, because H was sometimes treated as a vowel when the grammar rules for thou/thee/thy/thine were formed,THINE can also be used for words beginning with H. For example, both “thy heart” and “thine heart” appear in Elizabethan poetry.

[veryrarelystable-deactivated201]

For consistency, however, if you’re saying “thine eyes”, make sure you also say “mine eyes” instead of “my eyes”.

Further to the PSA:

Thou/thee/thine is SINGULAR ONLY.

Verbs with “thou” end in -st or -est: thou canst, thou hast, thou dost, thou goest.  Exception: the verbs will, shall, are, and were, which add only -t: thou wilt, thou shalt, thou art, thou wert.

Only in the indicative, though – when saying how things are (“Thou hast a big nose”).  Not in the subjunctive, saying how things might be (“If thou go there…”) nor in the imperative, making instructions or requests (“Go thou there”).

The -eth or -th ending on verbs is EXACTLY EQUIVALENT TO THE -(e)s ENDING IN MODERN ENGLISH.

I go, thou goest, she goeth, we go, ye go, they go.

If you wouldn’t say “goes” in modern English, don’t say “goeth” in Shakespearean English.

“Goeth and getteth me a coffee” NO.  KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Usually with an imperative you put the pronoun immediately after the verb, at least once in the sentence (“Go thou” / “Go ye”).

YE is the subject (Ye are…).  YOU is the object.

Ye/you/your is both for PLURALS and for DEFERENCE, as vous in French.

There’s more, but that’ll do for now.

[theliteraryarchitect-deactivate]

Oh wow. Reblogging for reference.

[peppercornnaseaofsalt]

I am Not a Maid

No knock, announcement ever brief

Careless tramping around into the lives of the gullible naive and innocent

Just to turn around and rush right back out leaving nothing but dirty footprints behind.

For the mess that was made is none concern of the life, love, and honesty bridge, tattered and burn