I got this cute little self care/mental health bird app cuz my boyfriend likes it and I thought why not try it and boyyyy it is testing my patience with myself lol. I want to be able to sit quietly enjoying the sound of a waterfall for ten minutes, but sheesh dude, ten minutes with myself and the sound of water is pretty fucking intense in ways I don’t really know how to compartmentalize. I’m over here white knuckling my brain through Alanis Morrisette’s bills, ex, deadlines, when I think I’m gonna die and longing for the next distraction all at once and it’s only ten fucking minutes! Now, I know, it’s counter productive to criticize one’s self in meditation and linger upon it and obviously if I’m writing this shit I’m doing the lingering. But it troubles me that in the ten minutes of running water I cannot relax, or quiet down, and I really, really want to cry. About the status of my life as a thirty year old, about my incredibly dysfunctional relationship with my sister, about my constant body pain, about my insecurities about my value and my uncertainty for the future. I don’t feel this way daily, not completely, not in awareness- usually all of these things sit as a debuff in the background that makes me less likely to make art, more likely to sleep or buy junk food, more hard on myself and uncertain of my… I dunno, moral goodness. Which sheesh dude. It’s just waterfall sounds, can we fucking CHILL PLEASE??? Anyway. Gonna check that off my self care list cuz I did it and it was ten minutes and that’s self care I guess lol. Insert joke about being a Sagittarius here. Follow with platitudes about self care and personal value and self confidence and so on. Reminders about the state of the world go here. Affirmations about crying being okay in the end. And scene, or whatever.
