It was the moment that everything stopped. I would no longer be that privileged kid with the middle class parents that would sky dive for them if that’s what was needed. I had already been self harming for two and a half years and my parents were stumped. They had no idea what to do for me. I had no idea what to do for me. I was 14 years old and I felt myself falling through the cracks. I would sit in my own spacious room with my loads of wonderful things and feel completely isolated. I felt so alone and angry, and very sad. But why would I? Why should I? I had everything that I needed. I had a good circle of friends, a teeny bopper boyfriend, great parents, a beautiful home and all the love that I needed. I started to feel like a black hole, impossible to fill because I had no idea what I was reaching for. I was stealing smokes from my sister who was hiring me to guard her house and that’s where all of the things that were okay, stopped being. They caught me. That’s how I found myself on the love seat in our smaller living room, being stared down by two parents that didn’t know how to keep their cool. I shut down. They yelled. They implored nearly desperately and I had no words to say, I just stared into their eyes and memorized every minute. Looking for something, perhaps a connection in this. Hoping that something in their eyes would tell me that they loved me and I wasn’t one of the 10 other girls they gave the boot. But I couldn’t see anything through my own rage and sorrow. It was a quiet moment, they’d just come back from a small recess. My mom looked me straight in the face and spit the words at me. “Do you even want to live here anymore?” Matching her anger, I responded. “No.” It was probably the first word I’d said since I saw my empty backpack next to the carton of smoked I’d stolen sprawled on the floor. Something grew and something broke in us both. Before I knew it, I was being sent to my room to pack my bags. 10:23pm. I packed a few things and sent a worried glance at my hidden stash of razors. We were driving up the driveway and I took one last glance at my childhood home. 10:29pm. I had no idea where she was taking me but neither of us would speak. She brought me to a place where people bring their lost hopes. I sat in a room and watched a television show called Brotherly Love while they talked in the adult room about adult stuff. I imagined her telling tales of my deceptions and my horrible choices. I huffed in the spot. I tried to cry, I felt like I should be crying. I was offered another chance to see her or talk to her. “Your mom is very upset” So am I. But that doesn’t matter, does it? She’s ready to drop me off, I’m ready to be dropped. There was so much resentment and I know now, that I couldn’t blame her for being lost and I couldn’t blame me for being lost. After spending a night in a crumbling hotel room with strangers, scared to open my eyes and find this reality, disconnected from everything that built my dream life...my sister picked me up and brought me to her home. She sat me down and asked me to tell her everything. I cried and I cried. All I could see was my anger and frustration. I was not going to forgive them. I was going to stay with my sister for a week before deciding again if I would go home. I was adamant that I wouldn’t go home. That was no place for me. But the week was up, and my mom was at the door with all of my belongings. Everything that I owned, they packed up for me. The anger rose up in me again as we took all of my stuff into the house. Then here is was. My last chance. We sat on the couch in my sister’s house, she was downstairs pretending to be invisible but I’m sure she could hear us. My mom told me that she loved me, she would always love me and that I was her little girl. She asked if she could give me a hug. I permissed. I didn’t want her to let me go. She told me that I was the only child they ever put serious thought into adopting. I’d been there since I was a toddler, their first foster. Our hug ended and she asked me one last time. Are you sure that you want this? Something so stubborn and stupid in my head forced a choked nod. And she left. That’s when everything went wrong.
