The morning after the games, I felt completely numb. I was hurt, yeah. I think the better term would have been heartbroken.
Alone, I sat in the apartment, pondering why I had believed him. I thought I could trust him. He told me he loved me, and then tried to kill me after swearing he’d protect me.
I guess you couldn’t trust anyone in the games. But I’d known him most of my life, was all of that a lie..? I felt used. Lied to. Worthless. I really had just been a means to an end with Dolion.
I walked into the kitchen, spotting the fruit bowl and picking up an orange. I picked it up, poking through the tough skin and getting in just enough to start as I sat on a chair. I could peel my own orange, I didn’t need him.
Tigris came in soon after, a sweet and sad smile gracing her face the same as it had been since I met her. She crouched in front of me, wiping tears off my face. I hadn’t realized I was crying. I don’t really feel sad. I don’t really feel anything, actually. Did that make me a bad person? Not feeling sad when I had killed someone I used to hold so dear to my heart? No. I couldn’t let myself think that way.
She brushed hair out of my face, looking into my eyes “It’ll be okay, mags. All you have left is this ceremony, and then you can go home…”
“I have no one at home… They’re all gone. My family is gone… I’m only half of who I was when I came to the capitol” I said, my throat feeling tight as it tried to close around the words I so desperately tried to force out. I was alone. I’d never been alone before. Even when my younger siblings weren’t around, I had Peggy. Now, everything was different.
“Oh, love…” Tigris sighed, pulling me back into her embrace “The moon does not need to be whole to be loved” She wiped my tears away gently, pulling me up from the chair “What you need is some time, some rest, and some relaxation. We’ll get you set right as rain”
On the train home, I was alone for the first time except for the peacekeeper in the car with me. I stared out the window, tears streaming down my face quietly. I was told they had built something new. A small village on the beach known as ‘Victor’s Village’. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for it. Everything was so different, so new. I’d never been good with change.
It wasn’t until I was standing in front of the entirety of District 4 with a smile as fake as the people of the capitol themselves that I realized something. I had to move on. I couldn’t let my self pitying disaster of a mind bring down my entire life. I didn’t have anyone to lean on, so I couldn’t expect to survive in the self loathing thoughts that occupied my mind.
I had to move on and make myself a new life. It didn’t matter if it were good or bad, but I knew I couldn’t just glare at the sky and blame whatever god was in charge of fate. I walked into my new home, looking around at the blank walls and bland decor. I would have to make this place my own in some way. It was a job for another day though, as I saw my guitar. I picked it up, starting towards the coast. I sat on a log near the edge of the water, starting to strum the chords. A voice I can barely recognize as my own starts to sing softly, the waves crashing against hot sand adding to the softness of the sunset.
“On a weary road, I walk alone,
Sunset's fading and the moonlight's blown.
Leaving behind these empty streets,
I wander home with heavy heartbeats.
Oh, loneliness is my only friend,
Memories haunting till the bitter end.
Lost amidst the echoes of yesterday,
Whispers in the wind tell stories bright,
But they can't chase away this endless night.
In every shadow lies a faded dream,
Where love once flourished, now it seems
I'm just an echo from times gone by,
A soul seeking comfort under a starry sky.
Oh, loneliness is my only friend,
Memories haunting till the bitter end.
Lost amidst the echoes of yesterday,
Familiar faces become distant dolls;
Time has worn them thin like tattered shawls.
The laughter that once filled each room
Now fades away like roses' sweet perfume.
Through broken windows, moonlight peeks;
Silent tears trace down tear-stained cheeks.
This journey homeward holds no cheer;
Solitude surrounds me; it sears clear.
Oh, loneliness is my only friend,
Memories haunting till the bitter end.
Lost amidst the echoes of yesterday,
Upon these worn wooden steps I climb high—
Aching heart yearning for reasons why
Life took its toll on hopes unmet;
Homecoming drenched in sorrow: life's cruel bet.
Oh, loneliness is my only confidant,
Burdened souls seek solace
Once again, returning home alone,
Heart battered and broken like ancient stone.”
My fingers ached from not having played in so long, my voice tired. I hadn’t even realized how sad the song was before now. Peggy used to sing it to my siblings and I to get us to sleep. I stared out at the water, setting the guitar in the sand beside me.
I’d been there a while, the sun disappearing beyond the coastline when I heard footsteps. I grabbed ahold of the neck of my guitar, standing and spinning around to hold it above my head when I saw a girl about my age.
Her eyebrows raised, hands up in defense “Woah there, Flanagan. It’s just me” I recognized her. I couldn’t remember exactly how long I’d known her, but she ran a stall with her brother in the market. I’d never actually spoken to her, but She and I would nod hello when it was setting up or shutting down time on the dock. “Rowena..?” I asked hesitantly, not remembering if it were her name or someone else's that I'd met before.
“Nice to see you alive, Mags Flanagan. Would have been a shame to see another fire get put out by the societal fuckers.” Roe teased, walking down the sand hill and sitting beside me as I put the guitar down and sat with her. “And don’t call me Rowena. Only my mother calls me that, and my brother when he’s mad.”
I nodded slowly, taking in the stars in the sky “What are you doing here?” I implore, looking towards her. I’d never gotten a close look at her before, but now that I was getting one, it was almost mesmerizing. She had dark brown eyes, tan skin, and a scar going from the right corner of her mouth all the way down to the collar of her shirt. Her hair was a dark brown, pulled back into a loose ponytail at the base of her neck, a necklace with a shell adorning her neck. She was dirty, smelling strongly of the docks. She’d been working.
“Well, came to see ya, see how you were doing…? I don’t know-” Roe muttered, turning away from me. “I saw everything with your family, didn’t think you’d want to be alone for your first time back” She responded, standing up “If you need me, you know where to find me, I guess”
I don’t know why exactly, but I wanted her to stay. I just waved and let her go though, which would remain a question in my mind later as I laid in bed, tossing and turning. Why did I not even say goodbye? I’d never had an actual conversation with her before, had it been the social awkwardness of a real interaction with someone I’d never met before? I guess…
As sleep finally took over my brain, the rapid running thoughts slowed down. I felt the softness of the pillows, the velvety material of the blanket, and nodded off, hoping to actually be able to stay asleep. If I had known everything then, would I have even thought a second more about the other girl? Probably not, but there were other times to think about this, not right now.
