Reggie: So… I’ve seen you’ve been spending a lot of time with Anna recently.
Phoenix: No, Reggie, it's not what it looks like, I swear.
Reggie: Oh really? So no reason for me to be jealous?
Phoenix: No! You’re the only one for me.
Reggie: Is that so?
Phoenix: I promise! Anna and I are just dating, okay? They’re my partner.
Reggie: So there are no best-friends-feelings involved?
Phoenix: You are still my one and only best friend! They’re just the love of my life, nothing more!
Reggie: But I’m still the platonic love of your life, right?
Phoenix: Of course bro!
Reggie: Bro...
Anna: What the-
Roxy, trying to flirt: So, you come around here often?
Anna, confused: I mean, this is my house, so yeah.
Phoenix: I never said I was gonna get back together with them. But I was thinking, they're in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave them a call?
Roxy: No. No, Phoenix, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one: a super volcano. Number two: an asteroid hits the Earth. Number three: All the Evel Knievel movies are lost. Number four: Phoenix calls Juniper. Number five: Anna gets eaten by a shark.
Anna: I’m Anna, and I approve the order of that list.
Anna: The first time I saw you, you stole my heart.
Phoenix: But I'm a kleptomaniac, so that doesn't mean anything.
Phoenix: You need a hobby.
Roxy: I have a hobby!
Phoenix: Fawning over Anna isn’t a hobby.
Phoenix: Hey, Anna, are you free on Friday? Like around eight?
Anna: Yeah.
Phoenix: And you, Roxy?
Roxy: Umm... yes?
Phoenix: Great! Because I'm not. You two go out without me. Enjoy your date!
Roxy: Did they just-
Phoenix: Hey, babe, remember how I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my ADHD meds?
Roxy: Yes?
Phoenix: Well, it turns out they're all out for the next five days.
Roxy: Fuck.
Phoenix: It's gonna be a fun week!
Roxy: I'm going to Reggie's house.
Phoenix: Nuh-uh. Through sickness and health, motherfucker.
Roxy: Talk dirty to me~
Phoenix: Inflation is a serious problem and lumber prices are at a high.
Roxy: Wha-
Phoenix: The economy is in shambles.
Anna: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.
Roxy: Wow. They sound stupid.
Anna: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense.
Roxy: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!”
Anna: I guess you’re right. Hey Roxy, I love you.
Roxy: See! Just say that!
Anna: Holy fucking shit.
Roxy: If that flies over their head then, sorry Anna, but they're too dumb for you.
Anna: Roxy.
Reggie: Why would you give a knife to Phoenix?!
Anna, shrugging: Phoenix felt unsafe.
Reggie: Now I feel unsafe!
Anna: I’m sorry…
Anna: Would you like a knife?
Anna, Entering Roxy's room: Phoenix did it again.
Roxy: Peace disturbance?
Anna: What no-
Roxy: Arson..?
Anna: NO, JESUS CHRIST, HOW MANY-
Roxy: uh....Attempted murder?
Anna: NO, THEY ATE ALL THE FOOD IN THE FRIDGE, BUT WHAT THE FU-
Reggie: And what did we learn, Phoenix?
Phoenix: Tackling someone isn’t the correct response to being asked a simple question.
Roxy, near tears: I have the sex appeal of a math book!
Phoenix: I don’t know, dude, I’ve never met anyone that opened a math book and didn’t say “fuck me”.
Phoenix: Sorry I'm late, I was doing stuff.
Reggie: YOU PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS!
Roxy, pointing at Phoenix: Are they a Freak (derogatory)?
Roxy, pointing at Anna: Or a Freak (affectionate)?
Reggie: Why not both?
Roxy, to Reggie: You’re so right, Freak (double-edged sword)!
Phoenix: The scariest president had to be Rushmore because he had four heads.
Reggie: Yeah, it’s a good thing we captured him in that mountain, even if we have to live in fear of the spell wearing off.
Anna: Do you two still believe in that legend? Come on, Rushmore was killed a hundred years ago! We’re safe now.
Roxy: You people have clearly never taken a history lesson. His body was never found.
Phoenix: I hope no one lowkey hates me.
Phoenix: Highkey hate me. Hate me with every fiber of your being.
Phoenix: Go big or go home.
Roxy: WHOEVER CAUSED THIS MESS IS GOING TO-
Anna: It was me...
Roxy: ...Is going to be forgiven because everyone deserves a second chance.
Phoenix: Be careful, I thrive on negative attention.
Roxy: I need you to come meet me, and I need you to come alone.
Reggie: And I need you to be less vague and weird.
Roxy: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was changing their name to Phoenix.
Anna: Ah, Hello again. We really need to stop meeting like this.
Roxy: Maybe we would, if you would sTOP BREAKING INTO MY FUCKING HOUSE!!!
Reggie: When I was your age-
Roxy, mocking Reggie: When I was your height.
Reggie:
Reggie: Listen here you little shit-
Anna: Sometimes I drink milk straight from the container.
Phoenix: The cow??
Anna: What?
Reggie: Phoenix, W H Y?
Roxy: How did you even get in here?
Phoenix: Anna's window! Or, as I like to call it, "Phoenix's door"!
Anna: I’m closing the window.
Reggie: I made tea.
Roxy: I don't want tea.
Reggie: I didn't make you tea. This is my tea.
Roxy: Then why did you tell me?
Reggie: It's a conversation starter.
Roxy: It's a horrible conversation starter.
Reggie: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.
Roxy: Did you just refer to a knife as a “people-opener”?
Phoenix:
Phoenix: …Should I not have?
Phoenix: Don't joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offends me.
Phoenix: You’ve got to learn to love yourself.
Roxy: But don't you hate yourself.
Phoenix: Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused.
Phoenix: And I’d love to be sorry for that, but we all know I’ve done much, much worse.
Phoenix: *casually taking four stairs at a time*
Reggie, falling behind, taking two stairs at a time: Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fu-
Reggie: Just took a personality test and got an A+.
Reggie, to Phoenix: You're starting to forget your Spanish. You don't practice.
Phoenix: Lo siento. Estoy embarazada.
Reggie: You just told me you're pregnant.
Roxy: Congratulations Phoenix, you're glowing!
Anna: I've never encountered a problem that can't be solved by an spontaneous musical number.
Roxy: So, what’s Anna's type?
Phoenix: Brown eyes, kind, oblivious, good sense of humor, turtle lover.
Roxy: Sounds kind of like me. Too bad we’re just friends.
Phoenix: Did I mention oblivious?
Roxy: Yeah, why?
Phoenix: Okay, just making sure.
Anna: Say no to drugs.
Anna: Say yes to drugs.
Anna: It doesn't matter if you say yes or no to drugs, cause if you're talking to drugs... then you're on drugs.
Anna: Do you think I’m ugly?
Roxy: It’s not about looks, Anna. What’s valuable is on the inside...
Anna: Roxy...
Roxy: For example, someone's heart.
Anna: Aw... Stop it-
Roxy: It could be purchased for more than a million dollars, you know.
Anna: Seriously, stop.
Roxy: Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
Anna: Okay.
Roxy: And make out during the scary parts.
Anna: Th-
Anna: The scary parts.
Anna: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
Roxy, in a high voice, holding Barbie: Hey, Ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!
Anna, in a deep voice, holding Ken: Nonsense, Barbie. You’re staying home and having my kids.
Reggie: What the fuck are you guys doing?
Roxy: Playing systemic oppression.
Roxy: If I'm extra sarcastic with you it probably means I'm flirting with you or you really annoy me and I can't handle your crap... have fun figuring out which one.
