As said in my bio I’m working on a graphic novel, so in addition to being an artist, I write too. I’m not the best but I try. Which is actually why I’m posting this short excerpt from my story. Idk if this is the best way to get feedback or critique but it can’t hurt to try.
I know y’all don’t know much about my story, so here’s the general tl;dr : four high school superheroes (with elemental themed powers) become friends, fight villains, go on adventures, explore their abilities, and have some chaotic fun.
This particular excerpt features Ruby, who has earth powers, and she gets into some trouble. POV shifts twice, from Nightmare to Ruby, and then back to Nightmare at the end, in case anyone is confused. It’s also a bit ?spoilery? but I figure y’all don’t know enough context for it to even matter so eh, here we go.
words: 2411
CW: blood, gore, injury (graphic descriptions)
“Hurry up Heath!”
“Quit worryin’, I’m coming!”
Nightmare lets the door slam behind her as soon as the second Heath brother is through. They made it out of the bank with seconds to spare, and minutes before any law enforcement arrive. Nightmare smiled under her mask, this was too easy.
She spoke too soon.
A flash of blue and orange drops from the sky and lands heavily in the middle of the alley way. The Heath brothers are too stunned to react before two columns of earth rise at blinding speed and knock both brothers into opposite sides of the alley. They slump to the ground out cold, their bags of cash rolling out of their lax grips.
“A bank heist on such a fine Friday evening? What a great start to my weekend!” The little hero exclaims avidly, her chest puffed out and her arms spread wide, a toothy grin the only thing visible on her masked face.
Kuma, who had been ahead of the brothers, turns around at the commotion, “Little brat! I’ve seen you around the city but never up close, until now. I’ve been looking forward to destroying you!”
“Destroy?! Whoa there, I just took out two of your buddies in two seconds flat. No offense but I don’t think you and your…” She turns to look at Nightmare, who was starting to advance, “uh, shadow mask friend are going to be much of a problem. Unless of course you were Flairs.”
“You’ve miscalculated,” Nightmare advances full sprint, “We are.” She vanishes in a flash of black mid-leap and reappears with a dagger extended at the hero, who barely manages to lift a gauntlet in time for the dagger to bounce harmlessly off. Nightmare had to give it to the little hero, she had some sharp reflexes. But she was going to have to be quicker than that to catch her--”GAHK!” Nightmare tumbles out of her shadow jump with the hero in tow, who had grabbed onto her tail with a painful grip.
“Oh, did that huwt your wittle tale?” The hero ducks as Nightmare spins around with the dagger slashing dangerously close. “Woah! Someone needs a chill pill! Here, big guy, why don’t you give your friend a talk!” Pain flashes up Nightmare’s spine as the hero yanks her tail and launches her at Kuma, who had been advancing slowly. But Kuma, the damn brute, does nothing to break Nightmare’s fall and instead swats her to the side.
“Not friends I take it? Acquaintances maybe?” Ruby watches as the masked Flair slumps to the ground.
“I am here for the money, but I am going to enjoy ripping you apart.” Kuma lets out a roar, a roar? As his clothes begin to rip and his form rapidly grows and darkens as if a shadow had suddenly overtaken him. Ruby takes a step back, nervously eyeing his hands as they sprout enormous claws and...fur? Her eyes flick back up to his face, which was no longer bearded and angry, or human for that matter, but was covered in thick black fur and elongated into the long, thick snout of a bear, with a matching set of sharp white fangs.
Ruby was glad her visor was heavily tinted because she could feel her eyes stretch wide in a mixture of astonishment and fear, as the man reared back to his full height, which had gone from something like 6 feet to a dizzying 8 feet. He was, without a doubt, a big black bear. But not a full bear. The proportions weren't quite right, almost like a human wearing an extremely realistic and frightening bear costume.
Ruby had read about Flairs like these. They were called Zoo Flairs*. They had the ability to rearrange their whole physical structure which meant that they could take on the physical prowess of the animal they copied, and could even amplify said abilities. But such power came at a cost; most can only shift into one type of animal.
And this one had to be a big friggin’ bear. Ruby’s muscles tighten as the man-bear lets out a roar and charges. She crouches and leaps over the mass of black. But her flight is cut short as a giant paw wraps its claws around her leg. How the hell did he turn so fast? A body with that much mass shouldn’t be able to--”OOF”.
Ruby’s thought is cut short as she’s slammed into the ground. Before she can even force air back into her lungs, she feels herself lifted into the air again. A moment later she crashes into a wall. Somehow she lands on her feet and her legs, albeit shaky, hold her up. She looks up to see the bear--uh--man-bear charging again. She throws a left hook, sending a chunk of brick wall straight at his ugly snout. Bullseye.
She jumps to the side as the man-bear collides blindly with the wall right where she had been standing, but not before a stray claw can slice through her exposed shoulder. She winces and takes a moment to breathe and glance back at the other goons. The blonde dudes were still out cold but the masked Flair was moving again. Not good. She had to put this man-bear down, quick! Or at least hold out until some backup arrived.
Ruby winces. Vincent was still recovering from a recent fight and in no condition to come to her aid. Laurel was grounded for the weekend and Sam had swim practice today. She’d forgotten she wasn’t going to have backup today and had promised herself only some light patrolling. Nonetheless she felt her stomach drop as she realized the situation was quickly going south.
She whips her head back to the man-bear as he frees his head from the wall with a grunt. He turns to Ruby while giving his big head a shake to free any lingering chunks of brick, although a light dusting of red still clung to his fur.
“What’s the matter, tubby? Too temperamental to fit in with the circus and too ugly for the zoo?”
“GRAAHH!” He charges at her, who advances as well. Before he can take a swing, Ruby drops and slides feet first between his legs, simultaneously digging a heel into the pavement to spin herself around to face his back as she comes out the other side. Using her momentum, she rolls backward, planting her hands on either side of her head and coiling her legs into her body. Satisfied with her hold on a chunk of earth between her and the beast, she releases. Her legs extend up towards the bear, a large chunk of asphalt following the line of her feet and colliding explosively with the man-bear’s face, who had twisted his upper body around to follow her movement.
As debris rains down, Ruby continues her momentum and flips onto her feet, a fist ready for a close body shot. Before she can even brace herself, the man-bear’s paw slams against her chest, smashing her back into the ground and pinning her with a crushing weight. Her head flies back into the pavement with a thud and she silently thanks her brother for the extra thick padding in her helmet.
The man-bear shakes his head and glares down at Ruby, a growl rising from deep inside his chest. Ruby curses under her breath; she’s made a mistake. She let her fear cloud her judgement; she’d let her pride turn into recklessness; she should have known that the asphalt was too crumbly to provide any serious damage, and that getting so close to an enemy with such intense strength and speed was foolish.
She could hear her sister already yelling at her; her eyes pointed with disappointment. “What the hell was that?!” The older girl walked toward Ruby, her head raised high and her movement graceful and powerful. She stands over Ruby, staring down at her with frustrated but tired eyes, “You know you have the upper hand when it comes to battling in such small quarters,” She gestures to the rusted steel walls surrounding them, lined with old pipes and grated catwalks that extended indefinitely into the shadows, “Not to mention we’re on ground level, literally your area of expertise.” She squats down next to Ruby, who’s covered in dirt and grime, and bruises. “So why do you keep making these mistakes?” Ruby looks away, the shame too strong to answer. Her sister sighs, “You’re strong Ruby. And smart, crazy smart, but you let it get to your head, and that’s what's going to get you in trouble, understand?” Ruby nods. Her sister extends a hand, “C’mon, I know you’ve still got a little fight left in ya’.”
The crushing weight on her chest brings Ruby back to reality. She wants to yell out but it’s getting harder to breathe. She tries pounding against the beast’s forearm, but her strength is beginning to weaken as well.
“That’s not going to work, little bug.” The man-bear lets out a rumbling chuckle, or was it a growl? He peels his lips back to expose his big white fangs dripping with drool, “I’m going to--”
Without thinking Ruby slams her elbow into the ground and raises it in a weak punch, sending dirt and grime into the beast’s mouth.
He spits and lets out a deafening roar, “I’M GOING TO TEAR OFF YOUR STUPID ARM!” He wraps his claws around Ruby’s right arm with a painful grip, and pulls. She screams.
There’s not much air left in her lungs but the pain is too much. “STOP!” She kicks her legs out in an empty attempt to connect with something, anything. “NO, PLEASE STOP! YOU -- *GASP*” A loud pop at her shoulder sends pain rolling through her body. Her hand has gone numb.
The beast lets out another grumbling chuckle and continues to pull, slowly. Ruby can feel the tendons and muscles in her shoulder weakening and ripping. She couldn’t think straight anymore, panic flooding her brain. She began pounding with her left hand at the hairy arm pinning her. Her fist hit so hard that it recoiled back hard enough to hit the ground and her brain cleared just enough for her to realize that the shock of the impact allowed her to get a feeling for the composition of the ground just beneath her hand. It was solid and surrounding something even harder: a stray piece of rebar. She had an idea. It was crazy, but considering her right arm was about to get ripped off, crazy was all she had.
She pushed her fist against the ground and willed the earth to slide up into her hand, carrying with it the piece of rebar. Without hesitation she plunged the rebar reinforced shaft of earth deep into the beast’s forearm. He let out a roar but Ruby almost didn’t hear it amongst all of the adrenaline inducing white noise in her head. She could just see the tip of the rebar poking out the other side of his arm. She gave another push and her hand slipped into the wound.
The man-bear still hadn’t released her arm, so she wasn’t going to release his. Using the last bit of her strength she grabbed onto what felt like a stiff bundle of muscles, and squeezed. They popped; blood gushed out of the wound. He roared again and finally let go of her arm. He lifted his wounded arm as well but Ruby had latched onto another group of muscles. The beast growled and shook his arm, throwing Ruby off like she was nothing but a pesky bug.
She landed with a thud, the little air she managed to get back into her lungs knocked out again. She lay for a moment gasping, trying to focus her eyes as pain ran through her body. Despite everything, she was just happy she didn’t lose an arm. But the relief didn’t last long as she heard the man-beast walking back towards her. She managed to raise her head just enough to watch him approach, grasping his bleeding forearm. The rebar was gone which meant he pulled it out.
He stops beside her and glares down with a hmph. She’s reminded again of her sister, which is odd because her sister never tried to kill her, unlike this beast who fully intended to. Ruby is too weak to scramble out of the way as he reaches down and collects both of her arms into his one good hand and lifts her into the air.
Ruby can’t remember if she screamed or not, only that she was fighting to stay conscious from the flood of pain. He lifts her to eye level and she manages to focus her eyes as he lets out a rumbling growl, “I’m going to kill you.” She believed him.
He pulls back his arm, despite being injured and not 100% functioning, Ruby had no doubt those 4 inch long claws could slice into her like butter.
“Kuma STOP!” He pauses and turns to look past Ruby. She can’t turn her head but she recognizes the female voice, it’s the masked shadow Flair. “We don’t have time for this!” He frowns and pulls back his lips into a sinister sneer. But the masked Flair continues, “Listen! The cops are almost here and you’re making too much noise! We have to leave now!”
The man-beast, Kuma as the other Flair had called him, pauses and turns his head, his ears pricking up at the faint sound of sirens. Darkness was closing in on the edges of her mind but Ruby could hear the sirens too, and she realizes that although this fight felt like it was lasting an eternity, in reality it had only been a couple minutes, if even that.
Kuma lets out a low, dangerous growl as he turns back to Nightmare, “Fine.” With one swift move he launches the barely conscious hero into the far corner of the alley, where she collides with and disappears behind a large pile of trash bags.
Nightmare turns to Kuma with a frown, “C’mon, grab those two, I’ll get the bags.” She slings them over her shoulders as Kuma heaves the Heath brothers under each arm. Nightmare steps forward and wraps her tail around the arm of the younger brother, “Ok, hold on.” And with a puff of black smoke, they’re gone.
