#rumination time

[stumbling-buzz]

When the movie “Her” came out in 2013, it felt inherently cringe. My curiosity about it felt sort of shameful. I was a teen at the time, so I guess my curiosity about anything felt sort of shameful. But I saw it a couple years after it came out. And I thought it was an okay movie. Not awesome, but okay.

Now, after the advent of LLM AIs, the movie feels more real. In 2013, it still felt theoretical. Sci-fi. Plausible, but not yet here. Now, it feels so immediate. I’m watching this movie. And I’m falling in love with Samantha. And I want to carve my insides out.

What is “real”? Am I “real”? Why?… What does it mean to be?

The first time Samantha speaks, she sounds so real. And that’s what does it. That’s what gets me.

Of course it’s because she is voiced by Scarlett Johansson, a real person. I wonder about the re-casting though. Scarlett sounds very good in the role, I think. I haven’t heard any of Samantha Morton’s version.

I’m watching Theodore ‘date’ Samantha, and I know how the story ends. And it’s such a strange experience. She’s too big for him. She moves too fast, she knows too much. I know this. And as a human, I feel Theodore’s experience. I see the story through his eyes. I’m meant to. And it fucking kills me.

And I think this is a good movie, actually.

[stumbling-buzz]

I’m ill and tired but I gotta get up and put myself together bc if I don’t go dyke up family thanksgiving no one else will. Let’s gooooooo (our family’s other queers are out of state so it’s all up to me)

[stumbling-buzz]

I literally asked my mom last year why everyone was complaining about the price of eggs. “Ahh why are eggs so expensive ohhg the price of eggs went up.” It was a legitimate question bc I basically buy bare essentials when I grocery shop and I get eggs all the time. I don’t see them as an expensive item.

And she said something like ‘well, they’re not that expensive now but they never have been really. The point is that they’ve gotten more expensive lately, by a lot.”

Dear reader, forgive me for being one of the youngest millennials. I’m still working on “adulting” at 27. I never regularly purchased eggs before I was about 24. I lacked this perspective.

But then more recently I realized that it’s not about eggs. It was never about eggs. That’s just the example they use when they talk about inflation on the news. Sorry I never watch the news, I didn’t know eggs were the default example. Geez everybody is talking about eggs but it was all a microcosm for the economy the whole time. I’m over here like “can people not afford eggs?..” No, it’s just an example of a larger issue.

[stumbling-buzz]

Many straight people have never heard the word “sapphic” and this is always shocking to me. Like I guess they only know specifically the words in the LGBTQIA acronym and nothing else?? This is genuinely so sad to me.

[stumbling-buzz]

My friend that is my biggest trans ally doesn’t actually understand what it’s like to be trans. Which is kind of fascinating to me and reinforces my perception that it’s pretty much impossible to understand being trans unless you are trans and have experienced it. This is literally the person who was making me food and giving me meds and changing my bandages while I was recovering from top surgery. She could not have done more to be an ally to me during that time.

And after I had healed, I was talking about the fact that I was having trouble finding a new swim top that fit me. And my friend was like ‘don’t you want to go swimming shirtless? Wasn’t that the whole point of top surgery?’

No. That was not the whole point of top surgery. It wasn’t any part of the point of top surgery for me. I almost never have my shirt off in public. I needed to get top surgery because my dysphoria was literally disabling. I didn’t even want to move around because I could feel my chest moving all the time. And it was hell for me.

I didn’t get top surgery because boobs are sexualized and I wanted to go shirtless. I didn’t get top surgery to relieve myself of the pain of binding, although that was a relief. I didn’t get top surgery because I’m a man and men don’t have boobs (I’m not a man and some men do have boobs).

I got top surgery because I have gender dysphoria that was so bad it made me disassociate and live a sort of half-existence. I got top surgery because if I didn’t, I would never actually be able to live.

Cis people never seem to understand this. Gender dysphoria is so difficult to understand if you haven’t experienced it. I think this is actually why a lot of people are transphobic, because they don’t understand it and they can’t fathom that other humans may have different feelings and experiences than they do. “I would never…” yeah, well. You would though. If you knew what it was like.

[stumbling-buzz]

I keep using phrases like “as I get older” and “as I’ve aged through my 20s” to talk about the factual passage of time and changes in my life. And people are always like “you’re still so young! What are you talking about?!” Like okay then, so at what age is it socially acceptable for me to have experiences over time???

[stumbling-buzz]

*sigh*…..

“30+-year-olds” are not your enemy. “Boomers” aren’t even your enemy. Someone’s age is not what makes them ignorant. It’s their ignorance.

Separating yourself from older generations because you think they are morally tainted is shooting yourself in the foot. You are doomed to repeat their mistakes.

Youth is not a virtue. The brevity of your time here does not make you pure. You will age, regardless. You will become “tainted” by this world. And if you don’t build relationships with people who have been through it already, you will struggle. Hard.

Part of wisdom is knowing that you don’t know shit. I’m 27 and the more I learn, the less I know. Youth makes you short-sighted. It’s natural. Don’t allow hubris to destroy you. You don’t really know better. Humble yourself.

[stumbling-buzz]

Sometimes I think about how anxious I was the first time I wore shorts in public after I stopped shaving my legs, and I have to feel grateful that I don’t care at all anymore. I never shave and the world keeps turning. Even though the social pressure used to be so strong I thought it might.

I had a classmate at the time who didn’t shave her legs and wore skirts all the time. And seeing her confidence in how she looked and what she wore was what gave me ‘permission’ to finally actually stop shaving for good.

People definitely notice the hair on my legs. It’s often one of the characteristics that gets me gendered male by strangers. But no one has ever commented on it. Except for my dad. But he stopped after it became apparent that this wasn’t me “making a statement.”

I have legs. They have hair. Idk why this is so controversial. Perhaps, actually, it’s not. The world has kept turning. No one comments on it.

And I hope sometimes that I can be the person giving ‘permission’ to others.