It really was great. Also, not pictured is the tiny sauna (seats maybe 5 adults, if they like each other a lot) and the inflatable pool - with jets! - that are placed among the trees. Add excellent friends, nice food and general amazing mood? I'm feeling approximately 200% more human than I've done for the rest of the week.
5 and 1 fic - prompt by Runeburnz - 5 times Kurt put up with Blaine's shit, and 1 time he didn’t .
So, the other day I asked for some 5 and 1 prompts. I received a couple of responses, and I will try to do the Anonymous prompt later this week.
This one was hard because the canon series was basically Kurt putting up with Blaine’s shit time after time until it finally just wore him down to having no spirit left to deny whatever Blaine wanted. So, I went with the option of time-traveling back to ret-con Season 3, which is pretty much when Kurt’s storyline first started going to hell. I gave that downward spiral a logical breaking point and corrected a couple of annoying things at the same time.
I even allow Blaine to not be a total dick, because at that point he still had the potential to be redeemable.
The First Time:
– Kurt knew he wasn’t ready for this. At least not the way Blaine wanted him to be. He had wanted romance, sweet words and caring gestures, a gentle understanding from his boyfriend that he was scared of not being good enough, and reassurance that he was loved enough to be good enough no matter what happened. He had at least wanted respect, to be allowed to have a say in the time and place of losing his virginity. Of losing their virginity together.
He couldn’t understand how Blaine could feel so differently about it. How he could have allowed himself to get drunk and try to force the moment in the back of a car, in the public parking lot of a bar of all places, when he had just spent the entire evening dancing with someone else. Someone who had made it very clear that he wouldn’t say no if asked.
Was it wrong that Kurt wanted the fairy tale? Did every other guy think that just taking it when the opportunity came along was the right thing to do? Was he stupid for thinking there ought to be more? Or was the idea that he – that both of them – mattered, just something that parents said to keep their kids from growing up for as long as possible?
Well, if that was how it was then he had no choice. If he didn’t get over his fears and move things forward, then he had proof standing by with a smirk and an ugly striped rugby shirt that Blaine would find someone who would. He had to make himself be ready. He would go to Blaine. He would pretend to be confident, suggest they go back to his boyfriend’s nearly always empty house, and he would do it. At least that way he could assure himself of privacy and exert some tiny measure of control. Enjoy some small illusion of romance and caring.
After all, that was what Blaine wanted. At least one of them would be happy and it was important to make the person you loved happy. Even if it left you feeling somewhat empty inside.
Growing up meant waking up, and even the most cherished of dreams had to be allowed to fade away.
Kurt was used to making sacrifices for the people he loved. What was one more?
The Second Time
– How could this have happened? After everything they had gone through. After they had become a couple in every sense of the word. After Blaine had promised that he understood Kurt’s insecurities regarding his flirtatiousness with a clearly interested rival.
Blaine had claimed that he had no interest in continuing a relationship with Sebastian Smythe. A false claim as it turned out. Not only had Blaine continued to be friends with Sebastian behind Kurt’s back, evidently enjoying a long string of email, text, and coffee dates without ever once mentioning any of it to his boyfriend, but he had actually shared New Directions’ set-list with him! He had betrayed the group, and betrayed Kurt’s trust.
But somehow, Kurt was the bad guy. He had confronted Blaine, vented some of his justifiable anger, and Blaine had barely apologized before putting on that wounded expression that always made Kurt feel guilty. As if he was the one who had done something wrong, like kicking a puppy. Blaine had accused him of trying to control their relationship, of not being supportive of how much Blaine missed the guys at Dalton; saying how Kurt had “made” him transfer and wasn’t that good enough? Did he have to give up all his friends too?
And somehow, Kurt had found himself caving in with barely an argument. He did not want to dictate who Blaine could be friends with, did he? He wasn’t really jealous of how the guys at Dalton treated Blaine like a long lost brother, with their “once a Warbler, always a Warbler” credo, while Kurt – who had also been a Warbler for nearly 6 months – barely warranted a flicker of memory among the group, was he?
Well, maybe he did resent the latter one a bit. And Blaine had been one of them for nearly two years. But not Sebastian! He had made no secret of wanting more than just friendship from Blaine, and he had not even been at Dalton when they went there, so why did he fall under that blanket policy of Warbler brotherhood?
Blaine claimed he had been protecting Kurt’s feelings by keeping his ongoing relationship with Sebastian a secret. That he couldn’t be hurt by it if he didn’t know it was happening. He had done the only thing he could to keep them both happy. That was nothing to be angry about. And giving up the set-list had been an accident. Blaine had been betrayed more surely than Kurt had, and he was the one who deserved sympathy for his hurt feelings. It was Sebastian who was in the wrong, not Blaine! Kurt should understand that. He should forgive that minor infraction.
So he would do it, because he loved Blaine. He believed in him. And this time, Blaine had promised publicly to New Directions that he would not keep in contact any more. That was enough.
Right?
The Third Time –
It was difficult to say whether Blaine had kept his word. Certainly, his relationship with Sebastian had cooled considerably if the other boy had decided to escalate his team’s rivalry with New Directions into an after-hours sing off in a parking garage. Whoever performed Michael Jackson better would win the right to perform his music at Regionals.
It felt semi-ridiculous, but also just a little bit bad ass. The musical theater nature of it appealed to Kurt, excited him in a way that very little had lately. He had been feeling so down-hearted. It seemed like every time he spoke to Blaine, they ended up arguing about something. Blaine just kept bringing up the great sacrifice he had made in transferring, and the hardship of losing his friends at Dalton “for you”, as if Kurt had somehow put an invisible shackle on his leg that would sound an alarm if he dared speak to Nick, or Jeff, or even one of the graduated members like David and Wes.
Kurt had done no such thing. He totally supported keeping up with old friends, just as he had done when he was the Warbler and his friends at McKinley had wanted to meet for coffee or shopping. But somehow Blaine did not see it that way. He acted like Kurt was being some massive hypocrite for not wanting him to sustain a friendship with a boy who not only threatened their personal relationship, but also used him to hurt their current team. It was not the same thing at all. It wasn’t!
But here they were, playing at “West Side Story” all over again, only with themselves as the Jets, and the Warblers as the Sharks. And Kurt somehow feeling like Blaine had cast himself in the role of Maria – caught between loyalty to his family and his one true love. Well, at least that meant he would finally get to be Tony!
Except something went wrong. Sebastian had played dirty, which in retrospect is something Kurt was ashamed of himself for not expecting. Instead of a simple song and dance rivalry, the Warblers, including people Kurt had previously thought of as friends, like Trent, had come armed with Slushies. They had thrown them at New Directions, acting just like the hallway bullies at McKinley, attempting to humiliate them in a way that they could only have learned about from Blaine’s apparently continual over-shares to Sebastian. And Sebastian himself had armed his weapon with something nasty. Rock-salt, which combined with the stuff in the Slushie would react as a corrosive when thrown at someone.
Given that it had been aimed at his chest, Kurt was certain the Slushie was intended to damage his clothes. The wardrobe that he loved so dearly and that Sebastian held in such utter contempt. It would have done his skin no favors either had it connected. But Kurt had had plenty of experience with people throwing gross substances at him and he had reacted instinctively to turn away and cover his face. The stuff should have just hit the side of his leather jacket and dripped harmlessly away. Only Blaine, perhaps feeling guiltier than he had previously admitted to, had unexpectedly decided to play superhero. He had ducked sideways, putting his face right into the path of the stream.
Kurt had never really considered until that moment that Blaine had somehow managed to never once be Slushied since transferring to McKinley, as if he was immune to the bullying that every other member of the team – Kurt in particular – received. As a result, he apparently had no idea that he should close his eyes when something was tossed in his face, and he had suffered damage to his eyes.
Blaine was out of school for several weeks, recovering from his injury. Kurt felt horrible about it. Why had he not taught his boyfriend the standard duck-and-cover procedure for Slushie attacks? Why had he not followed his gut about Sebastian and argued harder against going against the Warblers, and just created an alternative set-list to present to New Directions? Why did an internet search of scratched corneas, which suggested that they should be treated with eye drops and a few days in a protective eye-patch, but otherwise allowed one to live a normal life, make him feel so suspicious of Blaine’s claims of surgery and necessary weeks in bed being waited on hand and food? And why did having those suspicions make him feel like such a bad person?
For surely Blaine would not lie to him. Not again. No, clearly this was somehow Kurt’s own fault. He would just have to live with that and do the best he could to assure Blaine that he was loved, and that his brave sacrifice had not been in vain.
The Fourth Time
– Another Valentine’s Day and another disappointment.
For so long, Kurt had dreamed of having a perfect, romantic Valentine’s with the boy he loved. Long before he had a face to put with that fantasy, he had cherished the notion of sweet cards, cheap but lovingly presented chocolate candies, holding hands and ‘I love you’ exchanges, serenades and sweet kisses under the stars. (Or in a nice restaurant, February in Ohio being what it was.)
Instead he had spent two years pining after a boy who had treated him as if he was just shy of a full on case of ‘cooties’, and another year hoping for a declaration of returned affection from his crush at Dalton – who had then enlisted Kurt to help him woo another boy entirely. Then this year, the first time ever that he had an actual boyfriend, somehow who had told him that he loved him, had kissed him, and with whom he was even having a physical relationship, Blaine was out with an injury. As if he was on some weird sports team that did not allow shows of affection while their players were on the bench.
There had been no requests for a visit all week. No cute little e-cards in his Inbox, though he had sent several of them. No gifts in the mail, even though Kurt had spent an entire week’s allowance on flowers to be delivered to Blaine’s house with a message of love and a cute little stuffed bear with a satin heart on its chest.
Nothing at all, until the secret admirer gifts had begun showing up at school. Cards, balloons, stuffed animals. All of the things he had hoped for, and Kurt had been so touched that Blaine would do something so romantic. He usually hated public displays of affection, so for Blaine to abandon his comfort zone and make such a gesture for Kurt, just because he knew how much Kurt loved romance . . . that was something special indeed. And then Kurt was invited to dinner for two on Valentine’s night, the very same day that Blaine said his doctor might clear him for return to regular activity.
Kurt had sent thank-you notes to Blaine every time one of his ‘secret’ gifts came, and he had great plans for how to thank him in person when they met for dinner.
Only it was not Blaine who showed up. It was an entirely unwelcome surprise to find that his former bully/tentative friend Dave Karofsky had done it all. Because Dave had unexpectedly developed a crush on him, and had assumed from Blaine’s long absence and lack of PDA that they were no longer together and the field was clear.
It had made Kurt feel sick and sad. Blaine had apparently done nothing for him at all, but had allowed him to float through the week on a Cloud 9 of someone else’s making without even trying to set the record straight when he was thanked for someone else’s thoughtfulness. Dave had just declared his misplaced love, and Kurt was forced to let him down as gently as he could, trying not to feel hurt by the pain he was obviously causing someone who had gone out of his way to try and make him happy. And Kurt was to spend yet another Valentine’s day alone and disappointed.
Then, Blaine showed up. He came to the restaurant just in time to take over the stage at Sugar’s party, to make a public gesture of being back. He had sung 2/3rds of a song, not a particularly romantic one but still about love, to the room in general before approaching Kurt and gesturing for him to join in. He had been so happy to see Blaine, smiling and fully recovered, and to salvage what was left of Valentine’s Day by spending it together, that he had put his other concerns aside.
Until that night, when the crowd had gone home and they were walking to Kurt’s SUV. Blaine had thanked him for all of the cards and gifts, and then given him . . . nothing. Not a chocolate, not a flower, not even a lousy card. Apparently his mere presence was supposed to be enough. And Kurt tried to pretend to himself that it really was, even though his heart was breaking a little more. Blaine suggested that they go back to his house and ‘make up for lost time’, grinning like they were sharing some naughty secret because his parents still did not know what was going on. Kurt made the excuse of being tired after helping to set up for Sugar’s party, telling Blaine that he did not want him to tax his strength on the first day of his recovery.
Blaine pouted, then he asked Kurt about the heart-shaped box of butterscotch candies in his hand, smiling expectantly and hinting that he thought Kurt had bought it for him. Kurt had taken the box because he did not know what to do with it after Dave ran out. It was still sealed, but he could not bring himself to offer it to Blaine under the circumstances. He sadly explained what the secret admirer gifts had really been about, expecting some measure of sympathy and maybe an explanation of why Blaine had not corrected his previous assumption about their origin. Instead, Blaine had adopted that horrible injured manner and all but accused Kurt of fooling around on him when he was injured.
They had a fight, right there in the middle of the Breadstix parking lot on Valentine’s Day. A fight that somehow ended once again in Kurt apologizing for something he had not done while Blaine self-righteously allowed him to make it up to him by going home to have sex.
The candy had been dropped somewhere during their argument. When Kurt found the box the next day, squashed and broken by some uncaring person’s tire, he could not help feeling that he and the lost gift had something in common.
The Fifth Time
– Cooper Anderson was even more gorgeous in person than he had been on TV. A phenomenon that Kurt had not known was actually possible. And he was, to Kurt’s utter shock, Blaine’s older brother. Kurt had a celebrity in his own family! (Well, practically.)
But for some reason, Blaine did not like Cooper. To Kurt and everyone else, the man was charming, accomplished, funny, and altogether amazing. Okay, so perhaps he was a little on the stupid and self-absorbed side, but hey, not even the FreeCreditScore.com guy could be entirely perfect. The flaws just made him human, and even more attractive.
It did not take long to realize that Blaine was jealous of his brother, and that Cooper had no idea how to relate to a kid brother who was a full ten years his junior, and probably had never been able to do so. They had stopped even trying to communicate years ago.
Kurt had done his best to be sympathetic, understanding, and to love him enough to make up for the love Blaine wanted and did not feel he was getting from his brother. But the Andersons’ issues were too complicated to really understand. After all, Kurt had only had the experience of a brother for a single year, and his was the same age. Plus Blaine seemed to resent him for even trying to relate, and even more for his none too subtle crush on the actor.
It was not quite fair, given that Blaine had never once told him who the infomercial guy really was until the day he showed up at their school, and Kurt had done his best to stifle his admiration once he realized how much it bothered his boyfriend.
But Kurt did not like it when people pushed him into revealing his deeper feelings before he was ready, so he tried not to feel hurt when Blaine rejected his offers to talk, or angry when he refused to even try to distract himself from his brooding by spending time together. Blaine retreated to sulk, not even willingly going along with the other Glee kids for ditch-day. As a non-senior he certainly wasn’t obligated, but Artie and Tina both went along more than willingly so it saddened Kurt that Blaine was the only no-show.
He won Blaine a stuffed toy at the amusement park, and used it to playfully coax him into finally sharing some of his feelings about Cooper. It was more than obvious that neither Anderson brother was going to go out of their way to heal the rift between them, so Kurt decided to take matters into his own hands and he tricked them into meeting each other in the auditorium. He did not stay to watch. Kurt heard the opening strains of a duet and felt that his work there was done.
The song in question made him raise his eyebrow a little, but hey, Blaine was nothing if not the master of finding inappropriate songs for every occasion!
Afterward, he cornered Blaine to talk again. It seemed his plot had succeeded and the brothers were in a somewhat better place. Blaine seemed lighter, and though Kurt felt like he had run an emotional marathon in bringing it about, the improved mood made it all worthwhile. And if Blaine had been ignoring him an awful lot lately? Well, he would surely make up for it.
That was just what you did for someone you loved.
The Last Time
– Blaine had been ignoring him for weeks. Again. When they did talk, they seemed to be arguing again. Usually about nothing, because Blaine was clearly angry and resentful about something, but Kurt did not know what it was. Blaine refused to tell him whatever was really stuck in his craw.
Date night was a thing of the past, and even their secret rendezvous had been sidelined. Blaine had been scheduling their make-out sessions on the excuse that they needed to be out of his house before the parents came home, and yet he refused to do it anywhere else. Kurt’s house made him feel uncomfortable, because Burt was something of a friend, or Finn might walk in on them. School was out of the question, given his aversion to PDA. Kurt did not share Blaine’s odd affinity for making out in cars, but gave in to it a couple of times just to cool his increasing desperation for some kind of affectionate attention.
Unfortunately, the distance did not stop there. Blaine would not even discuss Kurt’s upcoming audition and potential enrollment into NYADA. He refused to go with him to pick out music, because it might lead to that same discussion. Basically, unless the conversation was focused on Blaine, and Blaine alone, he was no longer interested in having it.
And Kurt was getting awfully tired of being nothing but a sounding board. Of being scheduled and sidelined right out of his own relationship.
So when he went alone to buy some new sheet music, and met a boy who seemed so delighted to meet him, so openly admiring and excited for his college prospects, so amusingly complimentary and friendly, well . . . it was hard not to respond to that. Kurt had given Chandler his phone number. He had enjoyed the text messages, and felt a bit better about himself than he had done in months.
He had showed the texts to Rachel, who instantly accused him of cheating on Blaine. That had taken some of the joy out of receiving them, though Kurt had thought her assumption ridiculous. Chandler knew he had a boyfriend, he had told him so on the very first day. This flirting was just teasing, funny things to make him smile. What was so wrong with that?
But he did not tell Blaine. He mentioned that he had met a fellow New York bound high school senior at ‘Between the Sheets’, hoping Blaine would ask for more and open up a discussion, but the conversation was shut down so fast Kurt practically heard a slamming door. So he remained quiet. Just to be sure that Rachel had been wrong, he showed the texts to Sam Evans. They had become friends over time, if casual ones. One could only take so many sports metaphors, video game references, and movie impersonations, after all, but Sam was a good guy and he seemed interested so Kurt showed him. He had found the messages hilarious, just like Kurt did, and agreed that Chandler seemed like a nice ‘dude’.
But Blaine, though sitting across the room sulking at the sight of Kurt laughing with Sam, never asked what they were looking at. Instead he came over to Kurt’s house after school, waiting until he was out of the room to start going through his phone. He had read all the funny, flirty text messages and immediately got mad and accused Kurt of going behind his back with the other boy. Kurt had gotten angry in turn, finally pouring out some of his frustration with the way Blaine had been ignoring him. He had denied any wrong-doing with Chandler, pointing out that he had done no worse than Blaine had done with Sebastian, but Blaine did not see it that way. It was one set of standards for him, and another for Kurt.
As for going through his phone without permission, Blaine seemed to believe he had the right to do so, even though he would not even allow Kurt to borrow his laptop to look something up without releasing the password-protection and bringing up the search-engine personally, looking over his shoulder the entire time to be sure he did not go anywhere else. That behavior had made Kurt feel a bit paranoid about what Blaine was hiding, but he had always suppressed it, telling himself that Blaine was just interested in seeing the search results for himself.
All the months of double standards and being ignored until it was convenient for Blaine to pay attention to him finally reached a boiling point the next day. Kurt had sent Blaine home after their argument, not apologizing first for a change, only to have a change of heart during the night as he imagined how he might have reacted to discovering that Blaine was (again) sharing flirtations with another boy without his knowledge. He had made up his mind to apologize in public by way of a song for the glee club’s Whitney Houston tribute week. Kurt had poured his heart into that song, looking at Blaine and willing him to get the message.
The only message he apparently received was that Kurt had not groveled enough. Blaine countered with accusations of cheating, appealing to the other kids to get them on his side against Kurt. Kurt had seen the nods, the resentful looks being shot his way from people who had been cheated on in the past (and had done quite a bit of it themselves) and just assumed they knew what was going on, and finally he just had enough.
“No,” he said firmly, standing and raising his voice to project through the room without actually yelling, and interrupting Blaine mid revenge-song. Blaine stopped singing and looked angry. Everyone else was brought up short, as if his objection had awakened them from whatever dark memories they had been caught in. “Blaine, I don’t know what’s going on in your head, but you know as well as I do that I have never cheated on you. Chandler is just a boy I met at a music store, who has a little too much texting time on his hands. I’m not attracted to him, and even if I was, I would never betray our relationship by fooling around with him.”
“You say that now, but how do I know?” Blaine asked, flashing the room rather than Kurt with his patented wounded-puppy look.
Kurt was not having it. “You know, or should know, because you know me. I waited a long time for what we have together, and it means too much to me to just throw it away on the first guy who tosses me a compliment. I love you, and that means everything to me.” He turned his head, addressing their friends, who were once again nodding, but this time in agreement with his own statement. “And the rest of you might just remember the last time you did this to me, when Sam was in trouble and I was helping him out.”
Sam sat up straight, sudden resolve in his face as he shook off whatever doubts had been niggling at his brain. “He’s right, guys. He did nothing wrong then, and I know he’s still cool now. He showed me those texts and they were just lame pick-up lines. Kurt wasn’t even responding to them.”
“You didn’t show me the texts,” Blaine blurted, clearly not liking that attention was drifting away from him. “You were carrying on with your new friend without even telling me.”
“You mean like you carried on with Sebastian behind Kurt’s back?” Mercedes said coolly, giving him a narrow eyed stare. “Behind all of our backs?”
Finn suddenly seemed to get her drift. “Hey, that’s right! And Kurt hasn’t been meeting up with anyone. He told us about meeting him at dinner that night, but Charlie lives in Westerville.”
“Chandler,” Kurt corrected.
“Right,” Finn said, then his brow scrunched as he looked at Kurt, “Dude, do you think he’s trying to steal our new set-list?”
Kurt shook his head. “We don’t have a set-list yet, Finn. I think he was interested in me, but he didn’t push when I told him I had a boyfriend.”
“He should be interested,” Brittany chimed in, giving him a once-over that made Kurt feel both flattered and slightly uncomfortable. Brittany never made a secret of it that she found many of her teammates physically attractive. “Unless he’s blind. Do even blind kids know you’re hot? I wonder if he sends his texts in Braille.”
“Anyway,” Kurt said loudly, turning his attention back to Blaine, “the point is that I haven’t been doing anything wrong, and you have no right to try and use our friends against me. I admit that I probably should have showed you the messages when I first started receiving them, but I never saw Chandler as anything but a potential friend who is also interested in going to college in New York. Something that’s very important to me, but which you have been completely unwilling to talk about for weeks.”
Blaine crossed his arms over his chest. “I know it’s important to you. It’s all you talk about! New York this, and NYADA that. Do you even care that I won’t be going with you? It’s almost like you’re happy to be leaving me behind!”
The picture finally came together for Kurt. All the little passive aggressive behaviors of the last several months coalesced into a clear picture. “Is that what this has been about? I’m going away to college, and you resent me for being excited about it? Blaine! I’m graduating high school in a few months. I have to think about these things! That doesn’t mean I don’t love you, or don’t want you in my future. It means that we’ll have to learn to make a long-distance relationship work, like thousands of other couples do every year. It doesn’t mean that we should throw away the time we have left.”
Blaine abruptly plunked down in a seat, arms still stubbornly crossed. “But you’ll be in a new place, with new guys. Hot guys who won’t even know I exist. How do I know you won’t cheat on me again?”
“Oh for . . . I did not cheat on you this time!” Kurt said, voice rising. “Or any other time, and I wouldn’t do that. I hate that people do that to the people they claim to love!”
The other members of New Directions all suddenly found somewhere else to look. Mr. Schuester seemed to remember that practice was still in session as he gave a halfhearted try at regaining attention. “Now guys, I don’t think this is really the time or place.”
“It is, Mister Shue,” Rachel said, in that oddly authoritative way of hers that somehow always made the teacher back down. “If we don’t resolve our conflicts, they’ll just fester and drain our attention away from the important things like preparing for auditions and Nationals. These texts messages were a cry for help. A ticking time bomb. A guillotine blade waiting to fall!”
Interrupting before Rachel could go full Joan of Arc on them, Artie cocked his head like a curious puppy. “By the way Blaine, why did you think he’d been text-cheating if Kurt didn’t show them to you?”
“He went through my phone when I left the room,” Kurt said absently, his attention still focused on his pouting boyfriend. The sudden chorus of gasps and disbelieving noises made him look up. “What?”
“You went through his phone?” Puck said, giving Blaine an incredulous look. “Dude, that’s not cool.”
Quinn gave him a frosty look. “You would know.”
“And why do you think that some vaguely possible and entirely hypothetical suitor swooping in to steal Kurt away from you give you the right to sabotage his need to find the best possible song to audition for NYADA?” Rachel piped up, glaring at Blaine and copying his cross armed gesture. “Kurt is loyal to his friends, and he’s forgiving of mistakes. Believing me, I should know! But this is his career we’re talking about. His entire future on Broadway could depend on this moment! You should be by his side, holding his hand and picking out songs, giving him point by point critiques on how to improve his performance ahead of the demanding task of performing for a difficult audition. What kind of boyfriend are you?”
“That’s a good question,” Finn chimed in again. “Because I haven’t exactly seen you beating down our door to spend time with Kurt lately. In fact, ever since you guys started sleeping together, you’ve been using that as a power play to get him to do whatever you want.”
Kurt smacked his brother on the arm, hissing, “Finn!”
Santana blew a raspberry. “Oh, please. It’s not like everyone didn’t figure it out when you finally unlocked the chastity belt. The second night of the musical, wasn’t it? You showed up the next day staring off into space with a stupid bittersweet smile on your face. I could practically hear the theme song from ‘Ice Castles’ playing every time you walked by. And short-stack was walking funny for the entire third performance. Congrats on that, by the way. I lost five bucks to Brittany. She was sure you’d be a top and I thought no way.”
“Oh, my god, shut up!” Kurt begged, feeling his face heat up.
“You have to admit that sex did improve his stage performance, though,” Artie added smugly. “Just like I told him it would.”
Momentarily side-tracked from his conversation, Kurt looked at his classmate. “Excuse me?”
Blaine looked away but Rachel jumped right in. “Oh, you know. When Artie told me and Blaine that being virgins would make it impossible to understand the passion that Maria and Tony felt for one another. It was terrible advice. After all, I wouldn’t have committed a murder if I was going to play Roxy Hart! I felt so silly for listening to him and trying to seduce Finn just for the sake of a play. Didn’t you Blaine? I’m sure Kurt was just as forgiving when you told him, though, since you guys were even closer after the show.”
Kurt’s mouth had fallen open halfway through Rachel’s speech and as he stared accusingly at Blaine, the other boy suddenly looked like he wanted to be anywhere else. He avoided Kurt’s eyes and instead shot Rachel and Artie a pair of accusing looks. Kurt felt like his heart was breaking all over again, but this time there was a healing overlay of ice fusing quickly through the cracks. In a dangerously quiet voice, he said, “That night at Scandals. That’s why you suddenly went from ‘let’s both be comfortable’ to trying to force me to have sex for the first time in the back of your car. It wasn’t about me at all, or even about you having some sudden burning attraction for me. You did it because you wanted to be a better actor.”
As the meaning of his words sank ain, the glee club turned shocked eyes upon Blaine, and Artie looked like he wanted to sink through the floor. “Not cool,” he muttered. It had clearly never occurred to him that for Blaine to lose his virginity, Kurt would have had to do so as well, ready or not. “Kurt, I am so sorry.”
“I’ll deal with you later,” he said flatly, not quite ready to speak with a guilt-ridden Artie just yet. He continued to stare at Blaine. “Well?”
“Hey, it all worked out!” he said, a note of begging in his voice. “We didn’t do anything until you suggested it. I didn’t choose the time and place, you did!”
It was all Kurt could do to hold his composure. Tears were prickling at his eyes as he said, “Only because you made me feel guilty for ruining your moment. Only because you had spent the entire previous night dancing with Sebastian while ignoring me, and I was afraid if I didn’t give you what you wanted, he would.”
“That is a valid point,” Santana said, exchanging nods with Puck.
“But we worked it out!” Blaine said in a whining tone. “It doesn’t matter why you finally got over being afraid of it. You did, and it was good, and we’ve been great ever since.”
He swallowed hard. “We haven’t been so great lately.”
“Well whose fault is that?” he tried again.
“Pretty sure that’d be yours, dude,” Sam suggested. “He’s been trying to talk to you for ages and you keep cold-shouldering him.”
Quinn nodded. “I don’t get involved, but I’ve seen it too. Kurt has been pretty persistent about making you happy since you transferred here, but every time he needs your support you’ve suddenly got better things to do.”
“I transferred here to be with him!”
“Seems to me, you transferred here because it gave you a better shot at being top dog,” Puck observed. “You bogarted the musical, you flaked off on helping him campaign for the school election, you started fights with Sam and Finn to score more solos in here, you eye fucked another guy until Kurt gave it up to you, then you treated him like last week’s meatloaf every time you got your panties in a twist over nothing. Seriously, Hummel, there ain’t a lot of ass to be had around here for you gay dudes, but you could do better.”
Much to his own surprise, Kurt found himself agreeing. He had loved Blaine devotedly and faithfully, ever since the day they first met on that staircase at Dalton Academy, long before he had any return on the sentiment, but the relationship had not made him happy in a long time. “It hasn’t made you happy either, has it?” he asked quietly.
Blaine looked a little confused. “What?”
“Us. You and me. It doesn’t make you happy,” Kurt clarified. “I love you, but I’m not happy either. This is a test. How we behave together when the prospect of a bigger hurdle comes between us. And we’re failing it, big time.”
“Are you saying you don’t want to be together anymore?” Blaine demanded, his tone halfway between resentment and panic. “Kurt, don’t be stupid. Without me, what do you have?”
Kurt looked around the room. “Friends . . . maybe?”
More people nodded their agreement than he had honestly expected. It seemed that the revelations of the last few minutes had pulled a few people back from the weird ‘bro-ship’ that had formed between Blaine and seemingly every one of Kurt’s friends since he came to McKinley.
“I think maybe it’s time we both faced the truth,” he said sadly. “I don’t want to be nothing but a convenience boyfriend. I want to go away next year and know that the people I leave behind will honestly wish me the best. I want to be able to know that you’re okay and that you’re moving toward your own future, and with someone who will make you truly happy. We were good together, for a while, but I think maybe our time has passed.”
“No,” Blaine said, in a quietly choked voice. “I didn’t want this.”
Kurt sat down in the chair next to his and took his hand. “Are you sure? Can you look me in the eye and tell me that you truly want us to be together? Because if I’m honest with myself, I can’t say the same. I never cheated on you, Blaine, and I never would. But I think we’re moving in different directions and we may have gone as far as we could.”
Blaine shook his head, blinking rapidly against brimming tears. “I never meant to make you unhappy, Kurt. I never meant to lie to you, or to accuse you of awful things. I was just so scared of losing you.”
“Of being alone,” Kurt corrected gently. It occurred to him, perhaps for the first time consciously, that Blaine had never really been alone before. He had had a brother, however fraught with difficulty their relationship was, then he had the crowd at Dalton who had adopted him quickly as one of their own. And then he had had Kurt, who had given him all the love and devotion he could possibly want. He had never really had to face anything on his own. Maybe that was why he had been so intent on sabotaging Kurt’s chances at bulking up his college applications. If Kurt failed to get into NYADA, then he might stay in Lima and continue to hold Blaine’s hand through every difficult moment. “Maybe it’s time for both of us find our own way.”
Blaine finally looked Kurt in the face, his dark eyes wet with tears that were matched in Kurt’s. For the first time in a very long time, Kurt could see the boy he had first met and loved at Dalton. The other boy must have seen it too, for he smiled a bit tremulously. “Remember when you thought Pavarotti was gonna die because he was molting?”
Kurt laughed a little, sniffling and dashing a hand across his nose. “Yeah. Turned out he was just getting ready to spread his wings and fly.”
“I always said he was your voice.”
“And after he did die, I lost that voice for a while,” Kurt agreed, “but I think it’s time that I found it again. Okay?”
He nodded. Taking a shuddering breath, he said, “I’m sorry for all of that stuff, and . . . and if you still want to be friends then I’ll help you find a great song this weekend.”
Grateful that Blaine was not about to flee the room in dramatic despair, or try to dump the entire glee club to vent his feelings, Kurt agreed, “I’d really like that.”
“And maybe we can fill out some other college applications for you. Not that you won’t ace your audition, because I know you will, but just to be safe. I hear NYADA is a really competitive school, and I don’t want anything to keep you from following your heart to New York.”
Recognizing a genuine olive branch in the offer, Kurt squeezed his hand. “That’s a good idea. I told Finn he should apply to a variety of schools. It’d be pretty arrogant of me to assume I don’t need to do the same.” He took a deep breath, fully aware that every person in the room was staring at them with a combination of sad and doting expressions and that Blaine had never really liked public displays of affection, then said, “And don’t ever believe that part of my heart isn’t being torn out and left behind in Lima.”
He leaned close and kissed Blaine. A soft, heartfelt kiss of goodbye. Blaine hesitated a moment, then kissed him back and Kurt could feel the finality in that gesture.
As they parted, the bell rang. With one final squeeze of Blaine’s hand, Kurt stood and gathered his possessions. He walked from the choir room with head held high. His heart was a little bit broken, a little bit sore, and it probably would be for some time to come, but as Mercedes suddenly stepped up to him and linked their elbows, something she had not done in a long time, and Finn and Rachel both stepped up to flank them on either side as if showing the world where their loyalties lay, Kurt suddenly felt lighter than he had in a very long time.
It was time to spread his wings and see where the winds of fate would lead him.
ukelpie: What is it supposed to be then, a mass hallucination O_o?? Also, 'think slower' has to be the easiest solution ever presented to that problem, wtf. Honestly, try to get a second opinion to... whatever that was.
harbingerloki: Wtf. I wish I had the magical unicorn power of thinking slower, like god, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT????
runeburnz: That's just terrible! I hope you can find someone different. Can't believe someone in this day and age can be a licensed therapist and not believe ADHD is real
moxie-moth: what the actual fuk
thoughttrainderailed: SO CLEARLY THE PILLS YOU NEED SHOULD COST NOTHING. BECAUSE THEY'RE JUST SUGAR RIGHT. NO CHEMICALS INVOLVED TO TREAT A FAKE ILLNESS.
I even tried explaining it the best way I could. ADHD isn't just thinking fast or being physically jittery? Like, I will have to pee, stand up, and literally not know why I stood up. I have to announce out loud what I am doing so that, when I inevitably stand up and forget, I can ask what I'd just said seconds earlier and Meg and Wade can tell me. I'll have my pills in my hand, drink some water, pop them in my mouth, and swallow, and not know, right then, if I just took my meds or if I was about to. I can't focus on shit all if it doesn't interest 100% of me, but when something does interest 100% of me, I hyper-focus, and don't even get up for thirteen hours.
I tried explaining that, for me, having ADHD is like... all of my thoughts are on pieces of confetti. For some people, important thoughts are a different color from everyday thoughts like, "Wow that is a very pink shirt" as opposed to, "I need to get my taxes done by tomorrow". But for me, every piece of confetti is the same color, and they're all falling down around me rapidly. I can reach out and grab some, but I don't have time to sift trough them until I reach out to catch more thoughts, and I have to throw the ones I'd caught before that to the ground. And so on and so forth. We literally cannot hold onto thoughts, It's like trying to keep water in a noodle strainer. It all just falls through the holes, even if you're actively pouring more in.
I didn't even get to talk about the over-stimulation problems, the NEED to be moving at least one part of my body at all times (messing with my hands, jiggling my leg, doing SOMETHING), the problems with understanding people when they talk (sometimes it sounds like they're speaking an alien language and I literally cannot understand them), and the inability to take any perceived rejection/failure (getting unreasonably distraught or furious when I think someone is brushing me off or has told me I've failed), and everything else... I just started voicing my thoughts, because... well, okay, so we had to move to a new office because of the severe flooding. The walls were thinner, and I could hear the woman talking in the next room, and it was making me unable to talk, because I was hearing her, and I couldn't get through my sentences. The therapist tried putting water sounds on her phone for ambient noise, but then I was hearing the woman next door, the ambient noise, my thoughts, and what I'm trying to say, AND the therapist's questions. The ambient sound was water flowing, and I told her I couldn't do this much, that it was making me remember every time I've ever heard the sound of rushing water. She asked what was so bad about that, and I thought she meant, like, being unable to get away from hundreds of thoughts falling around me at once. Turns out she meant why was the sound of water specifically so bad. So I started telling her the word-association game that is my brain, which operates on 10x speed, and she thought I was rushing because of anxiety and working myself up into a panic. I was not. I was just listing my thoughts, but I couldn't work as fast as my brain, so I was lagging behind. That was when she told me to take a deep breath and think slower. And that thinking slower was my only problem. That ADHD isn't real and the rushing thoughts is just anxiety.
I. I was very upset, because she was rejecting me and it felt like I'd pitfalled down into a ditch. I can try to explain it better next time (by writing it out and reading off the paper), but... it really hurt. And I don't understand how she thinks all of these symptoms is JUST anxiety. Yes, I HAVE anxiety. Yes, I HAVE depression. But I ALSO have ADHD. And if hearing me talking about it in detail that one time for the few minutes I did freaked her out so much, how does she think I feel? I've had to live trapped in this body with this brain for my entire life.
runeburnz replied to your post “I have been dealing with migraines, backaches, and gastritis over the...”
Have you gotten a test for covid? The rare symptoms are all over the place. (I really hope it's not that) Get well soon!
I haven’t, but all of my problems are reoccuring things for me. They just happen to have decided to occur ALL AT ONCE.
And for real reasons. The back pain is because of a) stress and b) having to sit in the computer chair for 8 hours for work online. The headaches are a) stress and probably allergies/sinuses. And the gastritis is a) stress and b) probably my own damn fault for taking the wrong kind of painkiller to combat the back pain and headache.
So. I should be okay, but it is stressful and irritating when I’m just trying to bully on and work. But thank you! I appreciate the advice. I’ll be careful.
runeburnz answered your question:Having one of those “how do I English” moments...
YOU aren’t a native English speaker? I never would have guessed from your wonderful writing. Yes, one follows through with a promise.
100% ESL here. I’m happy that it’s not that obvious - but I have worked for it. (I started learning English at age 10, live somewhere that uses subtitles instead of dubbing, and mostly read books that haven’t been translated.) Also I own *counts* ten different dictionaries, and have some awesome friends who never mind steering me in the right direction.
(And thank you for the compliment - that makes diving back into writing even more fun.)
