Season 6, Mission 16: Poison
Report anything suspicious
JODY MARSH: Is it a bit weird that we know Pit Viper has the contract on Selma? Do they usually advertise that sort of stuff?
AMELIA SPENS: In general, their favored form of advertising is heads on spikes. I don't know how the Laundry learned Pit Viper have Selma's contract. Perhaps Sigrid wanted it broadcast to discourage others from running.
PAULA COHEN: To discourage others from running? From her Handmaid's Tale-style fertility baby serum factory?
PETER LYNNE: And they weren't even injecting babies with zombie spit in Gilead.
AMELIA SPENS: [parks vehicle] Well, this is as far as I can take you. Highgate, the badlands of London. Well, some of the worse lands. Anyway, I'm not getting nearer the Pit Vipers than this.
PETER LYNNE: Surprised you got as close as this, to be honest. You going soft?
PAULA COHEN: Or do you like us, Amelia?
AMELIA SPENS: I've always liked you, but liking has nothing to do with business. And this is business. Buying out Selma's contract is worth a shot. If you manage to deal with Pit Viper, they'll be grateful I sent the business their way. And if you don't make a deal with them, they'll be grateful I sent their targets their way. Win-win-win.
JODY MARSH: I'm always surprised. I should try to stop being surprised. That could be my New Year's resolution, actually: don't be surprised when Amelia seems helpful, but actually has an angle.
AMELIA SPENS: Oh, but if you weren't surprised, it would hardly be as much fun! Right, you lot. Pit Viper's HQ is in the London Underground. You have my directions. You'll have to do some fast talking when you get there.
See up there, amid the plumes of oil fires and the burned buildings? That hellscape is what remains of Highgate Station, and is absolutely the safest way into the Underground, this side of the wall. Well, I've got to be back at New Canton soon for an oil treatment. Go on. Do what you do. Run!
PAULA COHEN: It doesn't sound safe.
PETER LYNNE: It's not likely to be safe. I heard the London Underground was totally filled with zombies.
PAULA COHEN: I heard there were enclaves down there. Found their way to the Cold War bunkers and have been living off old tinned SPAM ever since.
JODY MARSH: We've got to do this. Pit Viper are after us and after Selma, but they're neutral. Like Amelia, they just go to the highest bidder. So if we can buy out both our contracts, they'll be working for us against Sigrid, not against us. And I'm sorry, Peter, Paula, Five, but you've all shown you're more indestructible than most.
PETER LYNNE: No, that's fair. I've got more lives than a Christmas number one, and I like to think I'm not quite as annoying.
PAULA COHEN: [laughs] If you want annoying, I'll sing you the dreidel song if we get through this. All right, Five. Let's get down these stairs into the pit of Hades.
JODY MARSH: Amelia's map is pretty clear. She's put it together from – oh, nice. She's written, "Compiled from the reports of those of my people who made it back alive." She says at the bottom of the staircase, you turn... towards the skeletons.
PETER LYNNE: Ooh, look, there are actual skeletons nailed up to the wall here. What delightful taste in interior decoration the inhabitants of these tunnels do have. [gasps] You could ask Zoe and Phil to do a radio segment on it, Jody. "Post-Apocalypse Decor: Dos and Don'ts."
[zombies moan]
PAULA COHEN: And to add to the ambiance, there are zombies. How chic. Five, you take the lead. Time to run.
PETER LYNNE: Oh yay! Someone's smeared this part of the wall with their own blood and feces!
PAULA COHEN: How do you know it's their own? There are viscera there. I suppose it might be somebody else's body cavity contents.
PETER LYNNE: Hmm, you make a fair point, Doctor, as you always do. Someone smeared this wall with blood, feces, and viscera of unknown origin.
PAULA COHEN: Pit Viper's doing a very efficient job of trying to put people off finding them.
JODY MARSH: That's what everyone says about them. They're an unstoppable killing machine. Once they've taken on a job, they never give up. There are no lengths they won't go to to do what they’ve set out to.
PETER LYNNE: Well, if you're going to be a deadly assassin force, at least be an excellent one, I suppose. You know, I think this is almost as bad as commuting in London before the apocalypse.
PAULA COHEN: Oh, I don't know. At least we're getting somewhere. No one's canceled our transport, and we don't have to deal with Southern Rail apologizing for our inconvenience in a totally unconvincing way, which makes it clear that, ideally, they'd like to inconvenience us some more. Possibly using blood, feces, and viscera of unknown origin.
[train creaks]
JODY MARSH: Guys, a train has just come loose from its siding uphill from you. It's rolling towards you!
PETER LYNNE: Is that a coincidence, or does someone know we're here?
JODY MARSH: No time to find out now. Run!
PETER LYNNE: Paula, Five, up here!
PAULA COHEN: Five, take my hand!
[train passes, PETER LYNNE and PAULA COHEN laugh]
JODY MARSH: Wow, that was close!
PETER LYNNE: You know, last time I was in London, something similar happened to me. Your wife almost didn't save me, Paula. I think she'd have left me there to be crushed by the train.
PAULA COHEN: But would you rather she had?
PETER LYNNE: [laughs] I think maybe I would have, then. I don't know. It's funny, isn't it? Keep expecting this grand moment. Flash of meaning where I realize what I'm for, and why I'm like this. It didn't come. Had to work it out for myself.
PAULA COHEN: Yeah, I know what you mean. For a long time, I asked myself, why me? Why was I infected? Why is it me who can't even play with my daughter without checking myself for nicks and scrapes every time? There's never an answer. Why did one person die in the apocalypse and another didn't? Because we're all subject to the laws of randomness of the universe.
PETER LYNNE: I like that. We're a playlist on shuffle. Things just come up. Sometimes you think you see a pattern in them, but it's you making the pattern, not the world.
PAULA COHEN: Ugh. More zoms I think, Jody.
JODY MARSH: Um, Amelia's map says it's an enclave of city commuters.
PETER LYNNE: I see them in the dark corner of the platform. 10 of them. Teeth filed to points, and pinstriped loin cloths. They're holding – are those broken shards of iPad?
PAULA COHEN: Not too dangerous, then.
JODY MARSH: Amelia's map says they dip them in a noxious compound of flesh-eating bacteria that can destroy even zombies. She also says, "Do remember, bankers are the ones who ran the economy off a cliff. They know how to muck stuff up."
PETER LYNNE: She's got a point. Which direction?
JODY MARSH: Straight ahead, then right. Go.
[spear thunks into wall]
PETER LYNNE: And one final spear outrun. The bankers have given up for now.
JODY MARSH: Amelia's notes say, "Don't kid yourself. They'll be back, and in greater numbers." I think she put that stuff in because she thought Sam would be on this mission. Have you noticed how they're getting friendly since they've been working on the baby rescue together?
PAULA COHEN: Yes, but I don't like to think about it. We'd better keep moving. How far are we from Pit Viper now?
JODY MARSH: Amelia's notes - mm. Get a bit sketchy here. She says, "If you get this far, you'll have done better than most people I sent down here. I think the commuters ate most of them! Well, you should find Pit Viper if you continue down the tunnel until you find another train. Or a building."
PAULA COHEN: That's vague.
PETER LYNNE: Oh, God. Look at that.
JODY MARSH: What are you seeing?
PAULA COHEN: Peter's pointing to... the wall of the platform?
PETER LYNNE: No, the shadows. The shadows, they're following us, look!
PAULA COHEN: Oh, no. It's headless zombies, Jody. Those indestructible zombies. The ones you can't kill by taking the head off! They must be behind us. We can see their shadows. God knows what would happen if one of them bit me.
PETER LYNNE: Or me, or Five. We've got to get out of here. Run!
[zombies growl]
PETER LYNNE: They're not getting any closer.
PAULA COHEN: They're not getting any further away!
PETER LYNNE: Yes. Peculiar. They've been exactly keeping pace with us, just a little behind us the whole way. Just a sec. Stop a moment.
PAULA COHEN: Stop?
PETER LYNNE: Just three seconds. I'll time it. One Mississippi, two hippopotamus, three extraterrestrial. Look.
PAULA COHEN: They've... stopped.
PETER LYNNE: Intriguing, isn't it?
PAULA COHEN: What are you doing?
PETER LYNNE: Heading back a bit to see what's going on. I shouldn't think Pit Viper will thank us for leading a horde of indestructible zombies to their hideout. Probably won't put them in a deal-making mood.
PAULA COHEN: Fair enough. Something is off here. Let's go with, Five. Huh. Would you look at that?
JODY MARSH: Again, I can't see.
PETER LYNNE: They are decapitated zombies with their heads in their arms.
JODY MARSH: So maybe get out of there?
PAULA COHEN: They're nailed to a little wagon. Look. There are remote controlled brakes.
PETER LYNNE: That's incredibly efficient. Keep everyone at bay, minimum effort or danger. Brilliant tactical work.
JODY MARSH: Yeah. I've heard that about Pit Viper. Always get the job done.
PETER LYNNE: Yes... yes, they would.
PAULA COHEN: Watch out. Someone's coming. It's... a train guard. She's still wearing her RMT uniform.
GUARD: I see you've passed the final obstacle. You must be here for the Pit Viper.
PETER LYNNE: Why, yes, we are.
GUARD: Come with me now. Run!
[classical music plays]
JODY MARSH: Where are you guys? My cams are giving me nothing.
PAULA COHEN: Jody, it's actually lovely! Nice, quiet tube carriage. Upholstered seats, curtains on the windows. Pit Viper have set themselves up well. Protected and secure.
PETER LYNNE: Feared by everyone, they can go anywhere. Talk to all sides. How very, very clever.
GUARD: Are you ready to meet the Pit Viper?
PETER LYNNE: Oh, I think we are.
PAULA COHEN: Jody, there's a door at the end of the carriage. The guard is just -
GUARD: [opens door] Step inside, please.
JODY MARSH: Where are you, now?
PAULA COHEN: An office. Very tidy. Utilitarian. A map of the new UK on the wall, and there's... a person in a viper mask sitting behind the desk.
GUARD: I'll leave you now with the Pit Viper. You parley alone.
PAULA COHEN: Yeah, um. Thank you. [door closes, music turns off] Uh, Pit Viper. We're here from Abel Township. We know you have a contract on us, and... we wanted to discuss it. [sighs] Oh, look. Would you mind taking the mask off?
[cloth rustles]
JODY MARSH: Are they doing it? Taking the mask off?
PETER LYNNE: Yup.
PAULA COHEN: Oh, Jody. You'll never guess who Pit Viper is.
JODY MARSH: Is it - ? Oh God, it's not Sigrid, is it?
JANINE DE LUCA: No, Miss Marsh. It's me, Janine.
