i hate how i always feel like shit after my birthday it pisses me off. that or it's just i feel like shit because i've been feeling better and what goes around comes around or whatever
come see come sa
whatever the fuck mr fox said
it's just so bothersome that i can barely take care of my entire life. here i am laying in bed doomscrolling because it's all i have the energy to do but i have so many things i need to do that i can't just lay here all day.
i'm tired. i don't want to sleep.
i mean im tired of feeling like this. tired of feeling like everything is out of my control that i can't fix it that i can't ensure that my friends do love me, they want me around, but do they? do they really? it wouldn't take them long to replace me
fuck whatever attachment style this is i just want to feel wanted and i never do the second someone shows me any type of thought or affection and i think they finally want me around so i talk to them more and they back off and im stuck in the middle again
i watched fantastic mr fox for my birthday and that was probably a bad idea because all i can think about is "i don't want to live in a hole anymore" and fuck that's really how i'm feeling. i don't want to live in a hole anymore.
i want to talk to psychiatrist and a therapist but i'm so scared of what they would say. i don't know what is scarier
getting a confirmed diagnosis or being told there's nothing wrong, i'm just defective. either way im defective, really. i don't even know why im writing this shit anymore it's all fucking useless i'm only doing it here so my friends don't see. here i am talking to myself in my stupid personal journal that could probably very easily be tied back to me. whatever
i just hope i can get better. i don't think i will
i hhhhate how many things just keep going wrong in my LIFE like PLEASEEEE
everyone piles up on me all at the same time and i'm never mad about what i actually should be mad about i get mad about the things that shouldn't matter as much as they do like my microphone not being perfect or my headphones only liking one port on my laptop.
im just so tired of being angry all the time and idk maybe im trying to project it onto mediocre things so the big things can be dealt with and not snapped about but i snap about the little things that it's not even worth snapping over and im just. im tired
i almost started crying because my expensive headphones and my expensive microphone don't work or sound the way i want them to and it's just upsetting me so much. and it's not even a big deal because yknow what? so what! fucking sell the shit and get better shit! what's the issue with that? oh is ir because you're an egotistical little bitch who believes they're above selling things to get better things? fucking hell.
not to mention what im really frustrated about are people and school and i don't want to be upset about either of those things but i cant stop being angry abt them and it's like fuck just shut UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
i try to make myself feel better and it gets worse and it makes me angrier and i think hanging out with people will help because it gets me out of my self depreciating moods but it serves to turn those negative emotions into different negative emotions that i bottle up because it's not appropriate to deal with them the way i feel i need to and it's just UGH
i just want people to shut the fuck UP your voices grind on my gears and remind me of horrible times in my life and you talk about your life that you barely have because of how fucking chronically online you are and you boast about all your fucking mental illnesses but it doesn't give you an excuse to not be courteous to others. ok yeah sure you're autistic well so am i and i'm still a nice fucking person. i cant even get a word in because you fucking assholes keep talking about things that make me want to die and if i speak up about it your ass pins any type of hatred you can on me. i don't fucking CARE what mental illnesses you have or what religion you follow or what color your fucking skin is i don't give a flying fuck about those things. what i fucking care about is keeping myself stable and safe and i cant do that when you accuse me of hatred for SETTING A BOUNDARY. i am SCARED to speak up for myself because the second i do i am attacked and i KNOW you would do the same thing.
like if you join a vc full of people in a completely separate server who aren't a part of your other servers or anything like that, should you really just be talking about what happened in your other vc? it's just the two of you talking. it's like you're fucking debriefing and the rest of us, or at least i, don't want to fucking hear it. i don't want to hear about how loud and chaotic and overwhelming the vc was. i don't want to hear about what scandal happened in the massive pool of voices you can barely discern. i don't want to hear about what game you played because it's always the same and it always reminds me of the worst, lowest point in my life and you just keep fucking talking. you keep going and going and going and you don't stop and let other people talk.
god and your fucking dni and shit are so specific like i hate to say this but fucking grow up. get a therapist and learn how to deal with your shit, because you can't get mad at someone for existing in their own space that you invade. god fucking forbid i like listening to melanie martinez and hollywood undead. oh no, i'm so sorry, do my choices that don't affect you traumatize you and now you have a new alter in your 500+ system? grow the fuck up. MY music choice shouldn't affect YOUR BRAIN. my BOUNDARIES about certain games and topics shouldn't affect YOUR LIFE.
like be so fucking for real right now. be SO fucking for real. if you have a problem with someone or something, fucking block them. that's the beauty of the fucking internet. if you have such a problem with those things don't hide it in your little carrd with all the other bullshit you hate, deal with it like the rest of us and get some fucking therapy. you need to learn healthier coping mechanisms rather than relying on other people to bend to your life. fuck off.
i'm sooo tired my body's refusing to work with me today. i can just feel all my bones cracking as i walk and my legs going numb when i sit and it's pissing me off. like, really? now, of all times? at the crux of my horrid life, at the climax of all the worst things that could've happened? all i want to do is lay in my bed for the rest of eternity but jesus, i have to go to class and learn another language
why the fuck did i choose a language class? why did i choose to learn another language? it's too difficult, way too difficult, for someone like me to do. it's japanese for god's sake. i'm dyslexic and full to the brim with anxious adhd energy. i can barely sit through one class session, let alone read anything in the damn textbook
my legs hurt so bad right now i wish i could just cut them off
i'm so totally not jealous of some random girl i don't know because my friend spent the night with her i'm sooo totally not jealous of her nope nope nope nope nope
don't fall for straight men they're horrible i'm literally going to SHOOT MYSELF‼️‼️😭
back at school though bleh bleh bleh so gross. i'm hoping i'll pass the quiz i have today-- it's a test on the 46 basic hiragana which like i'm fairly certain i have them memorized so... i think i'll do ok! i hope!
my digital humanities class is fucking me over tho bc holy fuck. the humanities are so annoying to decipher and understand because it doesn't have an actual concrete meaning (THE TEXTBOOK WAS SO VERY CLEAR ABOUT HOW FUCKING UNCLEAR IT IS)
but other than that we chillin :) my laptop's not breaking anymore which is nice and also someone complimented my stickers on my laptop which is so fun and silly and made me happy
im tired today tho i haven't had a good nights sleep since like maybe thursday? nah before that probably last monday. im exhausted. but i have saturday off from work this week so i'll probably use that day to recoup and actually get some good sleep and maybe fix my sleep schedule cause dragon con fucked me UPPP ugh but it'll be fine i know it will
well i felt better yesterday and then got home and the weight of my sins crushed me into nothingness
dragon con was fun :) i'm glad i got to go and hang out with the werewolf people again (this time i actually corrected people on my pronouns too which is pretty sick) annnnd i bought a whole bunch of stuff that makes me happy! although i regret spending that much money and it was probably a coping mechanism for how shit i've been feeling but... whatever.
anyway i miss having people i felt like i could rely on. people i talk to every day and enjoy the company of because i hate being alone but i guess that might be too suffocating for them. i don't know, i just wish they would text me first. or text me at all. i feel like a guest in my own friendships, always imposing and stepping on your shoes. but when i try to make new friendships i get soooo annoyed with new people. ever since the new year i've been floating around wanting to kill myself for sort of unrelated reasons but this definitely isn't helping
i genuinely want to be better. i do. i want to make new friends and be more social and talk to more people, but as someone who only had familial social interaction growing up, all i know is how to be a burden, apparently. i mean, sit down, shut up, stay still isn't really the best to help a kid make friends. i just get so worried that who i'm talking to doesn't actually enjoy talking to me, or when i do find someone who enjoys talking to me i hate talking to them and it's just an endless cycle.
i miss feeling loved every day and wanting to survive in spite of myself.
good news! i felt better this morning. bad news! i made myself feel worse pretty soon after that!!
i hate how most of my thoughts aren't properly situated in my head. i cant even process my own thoughts and emotions and i want to destroy my entire being because of it. i am tired of existing simply because my existence will never be enough for anybody to enjoy
my friends haven't texted me back that's kind of what brought this on. none of my friends have looked at my messages or greeted me or anything today and it just it just feels bad. i don't have anybody who i am their first thought but they are always mine. always.
i cant even properly make friends either it's so disheartening when i see people talking and laughing after class and i feel like i'm the issue now. nobody i sit next to talks to me, but they talk to everyone else around them. like am i really that horrid to talk to? i try to make conversation and all i get ate uninterested "mhm", like, what else am i supposed to do? sit down, shut up, and listen?
i went to school to make friends and all i did was reconnect with one friend i met two years ago. i mean at least they're introducing me to their friends which is actually really cool but i genuinely just am about to cry all the time because i don't know how to talk to people and nobody wants to talk to me. i wish i could enjoy my time by myself with myself but even i don't like being with myself. if i can't stand myself, why would anybody else want to?
and now i'm gonna go to dragon con where things are gonna happen that are just going to make me feel even worse about myself and it just makes me feel like i cant win. i cant do something just for the hell of it because i cant fucking exist properly without outside help. i cant just enjoy my time by myself because if i'm not distracting myself with people i get lost in my own head
