#sa'd

[zookeeperofmyself]

I remember being chased by your eyes, drooling like I was some alternate candy inside your cigarette mouth, hazing me using your smoke, making me high to enter my thigh, Good thing I knew how to speak and shout, I scared you by telling I will tell things you and me were supposed to do about.

[zookeeperofmyself]

Its too late now, it happened

I wish I could've done better to get away, I swear I could've pretended like you were a stranger, but you've already gotten me—choking with your whispers.

[zookeeperofmyself]

I've blamed myself for giving in...

[zookeeperofmyself]

I've become a demon for feeding up the bad person, I've become the pet that can't do nothing.

Its lasting for hours, it happens at night, I'm regretting at noon because you made me feel that it's too soon for me to have it with your moon.

[zookeeperofmyself]

You made me feel less than how I am supposed to feel, you took my childhood,

And I begged God who did nothing wrong, to give it back.

[ellieb2006]

10,11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16

10 

On the playground I am ridiculed for being chubby, no one liked the way i looked and stared at me while i covered myself up 

I spend the summer angry at myself when my best friend takes my first kiss and gropes me in his bedroom with the doors locked

Later that year he comes back and asks me to have sex with him, i don’t understand so i agree, my parents see and instead of being alarmed they are mad at me, later him and I never speak again and i am shamed for it being so stupid

11 

I am kisses under the jacket of a boy that claimed to hate me, pulling me in he grabs my breast and tries to slip it into his exposed hand, 

Later we walk to dions, his hand between my legs, not understanding that this is wrong i let it happen for 6 more years after the fact

A boy calls me up and asks me to be his girlfriend, his sloppy kisses burn when they hit my skin as do his fists when they strike me in the head 

12 

I am dragged to the bathroom by a boy i fell in love with in a daze, pulling my hair i choke and my eyes water, my choir shirt is ripped down the middle and i have to tell everyone that it wasn’t my fault because i know what will happen if i tell the truth 

I am taken to the back corner of the building, away from prying eyes, he takes down my pants and i cry out in pain, he covers my mouth and continues, he triumphs as he orgasms inside me, i cry as i call my dad to come and pick me up, saying a test ran me extra long and i missed my chance

13 

I start wearing hoodies and jeans trying to cover myself up as much as possible to avoid being touched, but still they come up behind me and grab my ass in a attempt to make it alright 

I can’t breathe anymore but it finally ends when the new one comes into the picture, i wait for him to do the same, but he never does, always gentle touches and hard thoughts, battling a death that we both didn’t want to come

We break up and i am no longer protected unless in the safety of my own home, as a disease ravages the world just as it had my body 

14 

I am groomed and talked to by men twice my age, i don’t remember much anymore and i stay up late at night, this is hell but hell is warmer then the feeling of a fist upon my cheek 

You text me and i find myself trying not to fall again, knowing “this pain will continue, they only ever see you as one thing”, so we stop talking and i blank out the rest of freshman year of high school, not remember anything but the mild death threats that came if i should ever tell my parents. 

15 

I am layed down in the new bathrooms, my masked ripped off and my body bruised by how little i took care of it, losing the one form of protection i could have ever thought to have, i am defensless now 

I black out and i don’t remember what happens anymore, praying that i could be okay 

16

I have lost everything, i lost my child, my grandmother, the one final person i could count upon, 

He’s smaller then me but hits me harder, everyone saw it but me, how was i supposed to know 

He pulls over in my car and kisses me feverishly even though he is taken, i don’t kiss back but he won’t let go until i do 

I dig scars under my breast trying to find anyway to look unattainable, unattractive, hoping that this would end 

He gets me to high off of weed and takes advantage of my broken body and shattered heart, he leaves scars on my body, something no one else does, other people in our group start to notice,

I tell him no and suddenly i am the abuser and i am the villain, i am beaten and have a hand upon me every chance i get 

“She can fight back, she’ll be okay” 

He’s 18, school ends and i’m in my worst state ever, he takes me one last time,i would try to take my life the day after, the next day his boyfriend finds out and tells me to fuck off, i am alone but supported by the people that matter, he claimed he loved me adn thought that i loved him,

No 

I was always the puppet and never loved. 

[coldwatertheater]

it bangs

[righteoushart]

Delayed | Self Para

Tagging→ Joe Hart and Sa'd Mahmoud Time Frame → Early Morning | 12.26.13 Location → Joe's Apartment General Notes → 

He sighed as he continued to flip the channels and yelled back. "You don't need to be 4 hours early for a domestic flight. I think we'll be okay."

Coming out of his room, his bag slung over his shoulder, Sa'd shook his head. "Whatever. You've obviously never been 'randomly searched' by TSA." His eyes darting all over the room, his energy still frantic.  Do you know where I printed out my boarding pass?"

Joe shrugged and then pointed in the general area of his desk."Uh.. check my desk. Its probably near the printer or something."

Sa'd looked through the packets of paper that were on Joe's desk. He called out to his friend again. "Hey, Joe. What are all these?"

Joe hopped to his feet and took the papers from him. "Ehh.. just some graduate school applications, a couple of fellowships. I kind of just started, turned in a couple and then never picked them back up."

"Why not?"

"I kind of got sidetracked. Figured I could grow more weed.. focus on modeling a little more."

"Really? That's what you want to do with the rest of your life?"

"No.. its more of like side projects to waste time with. Its nothing permanent."

"Joe, I really didn't want to say anything, but you kind of been really.."

"Really what? Say it."

"Well since I've been here, we haven't really seen any of your friends. You barely celebrated Christmas, which is pretty much your favorite holiday. And I figured its probably because I'm here and you didn't want to offend or whatever.. but you didn't even have a tree. Any lights. Not even a wreath or miniature Santa. And since you're not working, you kind of just sit there and ignore all the phone calls you've been getting."

"Those phone calls are just from people hassling me about getting their weed."

"You're dealing again?"

"I was.. but not really."

"Not really? What.. Nevermind. So what are you doing now?"

"Uh.. nothing really. I mean, I go to go sees occasionally. And pose for a couple of pictures."

"I meant like about Botany. You know your passion. I mean, I remember back in college, you could talk my head off about photosynthesis and nitrogen fixation and all that." Sa'd shuffled the papers in his hands. "Whoa. Wait. You actually got into one of them. No offense. Look here. Washington State. You'll be on the West Coast, which you love. So you could go to graduate school and study and do something."

"I could."

"So what's stopping you? What's stopping you from doing any of it?"

"I've spent the past year doing everything but anything academic. And I like it here in San Francisco. With my friends. With my sushi place. With the gyro place around the corner."

"Joe, trust me. You can get sushi and gyros anywhere. What you can't get anywhere is a Masters in Botany. And look they even have a fellowship where you can go down to South America and study plants from the Amazon."

"Yeah, I know. I mean, I've been here but who's to say that I won't go to Washington State or wherever and actually be good at it. My job at CalSciences basically told me that I'm great at writing field reports. That its. That's all I have to show for my one year there. That and an extensive knowledge of ferns."

"You didn't know it at the time, but it was supposed to be temporary. You were supposed to grow out of it and find something new. C'mon, Joe. This is an amazing opportunity. What are you afraid of?"

He glanced at the paper, remembering how weeks ago, he had gotten the acceptance letter and how he had just left it on the desk. "Its kind of a huge change. Packing up and going somewhere. Alone. I mean, when I applied, I figured I would have Carter. Or that I wouldn't get in. I'm telling you this is a bad idea." 

"Doubtful."

"You don't know that."

"I don't. But God does. If its really weighing that heavy on you, talk to him. Seek His guidance. Pray. There's nothing wrong with that."

Joe sighed. "Fine. I'll think about it."

"Well think quickly, your reply is due at the end of the month."

"You nag worse than my mom." Joe grabbed his jacket and practically pushed Sa'd out the door. "Alright, alright. Let's get you on that plane, ok?"