Hurt Me To Hurt You (3x05 Coda)
He thought it would feel good. That it would help him clear his head and purge him of all that rage, but all it did was leave him bruised and battered and so fucking empty.
Eddie wipes the back of his hand across his brow and frowns as blood drips into his good eye, his other eye swelling shut rapidly. Fuck. This much face damage. There’s no amount of make-up in the world that can hide this from Cap and the guys in the morning. Would the crew ask questions? Would he get suspended? Worse, would he lose his job?
Maybe he should have gone with the team and just smashed some shit, but a part of Eddie didn’t want to mindlessly destroy things. He wanted to be destroyed. To be punished.
Eddie stares at the rolled up bundle of cash on the bench next to him, pauses, then pockets the money. It won’t hurt to have extra cash laying around, and Christopher could always use new supplies for school and some new clothes. He pushes to his feet and groans. Every muscle in his body screams, but the pain is muddled.
He needs this. Needs to hurt so he doesn’t lash out and hurt those he loves instead. With another groan and a wince, Eddie shoulders his duffle and slips away from the ring of spectators egging the two new fighters on.
His car is parked in the shadows away from the crowd, but a lone figure is leaning against the driver’s door as Eddie approaches.
“Buck?” Eddie croaks.
Buck just stares at him, his tall, wide frame made larger and more menacing by the shadows cast by the cheap light bulbs all around them. He’s as striking as the day Eddie laid eyes on him, though there’s a slump in his posture that wasn’t there before. An invisible weight that’s as heavy on Eddie’s shoulders as it seems to be on Buck’s.
“Buck, what’re you doing here?” When Buck doesn’t respond, anger flushes through Eddie as red hot as it did the morning when Chim told him Buck was suing the department. Suing them. Suing him. After the night they’d shared and the many nights before that. After Eddie welcomed him into his tiny world where before only two existed.
“What, you just gonna stand there like some fucking statue?” Eddie gives Buck a wide berth and circles to the back of the car. He throws his duffle into the trunk, then slams it shut with a growl. “If you got nothing to say then move. I need to get home to Christopher.”
Buck doesn’t move, and when Eddie makes to reach for the door handle, Buck slaps his hand out of the way.
“You think Christopher wants to see you like this?”
Buck’s voice is quiet, but the disdain is thunderous. Anger turns to blinding rage, and Eddie fists the front of Buck’s shirt, hands trembling as he tries to decide whether to yank the man in for a kiss or punch him in the face. Instead, he settles for a staring contest while he tries so desperately to gather his thoughts.
“You think—” Buck pushes on as if he hasn’t already pissed Eddie off, “that what you’re doing right now is doing Christopher any favors?”
“What do you know what’s best for Christopher?” Eddie grits, his face so close to Buck’s he can make out the distinctive shape of Buck’s birthmark. “What do you know?”
“I know anger. I know rage. And I know this is no way to deal with it.”
Eddie sneers and shoves Buck against the car, ignoring Buck’s soft wince. “I got no one to sue.” Buck grimaces, and satisfaction thrills through Eddie.
“You’re right. What I did was stupid.”
“Stupid?” Eddie takes a step back and lets go of Buck’s shirt. He rakes a bloody hand through his hair and huffs. “Stupid doesn’t even begin to cover it. I trusted you. We trusted you!”
"And I trusted you!" Buck shoves Eddie away, his chest heaving. "You're supposed to have my back!"
"We did!"
"No, you turned your back on me. All of you!" Buck throws his hands in the air. "Especially you!"
Eddie's arm shoots out, and his fist connects with Buck's jaw before he knows what he's doing. He's so fucking angry. So fucking done with Buck's shit. So tired of having to hold everyone up even when his own world seems to collapse around him.
Buck stumbles but rights himself, looking stunned. He swipes the back of his hand across his lips and it comes away stained with blood.
Dread cuts through the rage induced fog and Eddie curses. Shit. Shit shit shit. He's on anticoagulants. Eddie rushes to Buck and takes his face in both hands, brushing a thumb across the cut on Buck's lip.
"Shit, baby, I'm so sorry. I—
Buck crushes Eddie to him and shakes his head. “No, I’m sorry. I fucked up. I was angry and I lashed out. I just wanted my job back. It kills me that I’m not out there watching your back. Kills me that every time my phone rings, I expect the worst.”
Eddie inhales sharply, and the ache in his chest increases as he pulls back and stares into Buck’s watery eyes.
“All the stuff you said in the supermarket was true. And I miss Christopher so much. I wasn’t thinking, but I just want my family back, Eddie,” Buck’s whispers, his voice cracking on Eddie’s name.
Buck is a lot of things, but he’s never this small. He’s always been filled with a brilliant vibrancy that leaves Eddie breathless. To see him like this is crushing, and the fight leaves Eddie. He wants to tell Buck everything’s going to be okay, but there’s just one more thing he can’t let go. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Buck looks away and pinches the bridge of his nose. “That night...I meant to. I did. But when I saw you so peaceful in your sleep, and I knew it was the last time I’ll get to touch you...I—”
“You should have told me. I’m your best friend. Your—fuck. I don’t even know. What am I to you, Evan?” All the hurt and anger comes down to this, and Eddie finally has the clarity he so desperately sought.
“You’re my everything,” Buck chokes out, and the first of many tears spill down his cheeks.
Eddie clutches Buck to him as Buck's sobs drown out the roaring in his ears. Tears prick the corners of Eddie's eyes, but he wills them away as he murmurs soothing words into Buck's ear.
"You're right. I should have believed in you. Shouldn't have left you to fight on your own." Eddie smoothes a hand over Buck's brows, the same way he does when he's calming Christopher down from a nightmare. "Whatever happens now, we'll handle it. Together."
Buck hiccups and rubs his eyes. "I guess you haven't heard." Eddie raises a brow at him. "I've been reinstated. You're not gonna get rid of me that easily."
"You couldn't have led with that?" Eddie stabs Buck in the chest with a finger.
"I came to tell you, then I saw you in the ring…"
Shame washes over Eddie, and he ducks his head, unwilling to meet Buck's eyes. "You're not the only one who needed to lash out at someone."
"You mad at me?"
Eddie pauses and studies Buck's face. "I was, but then I was just mad at myself. I failed as a father and now as a friend."
"Eddie, don't."
"No, I fucked up, too."
Buck grins a watery smile and nods. "Next time, let's just spar or something, okay?"
Eddie smiles too, then winches when the split in his lip pulls open. "Yeah. Next time let's do that."