I guess I’m never ready for it, I never want to let go of something in my life. I’m always the one stuck with it. Whether it’s a person or some memories or even places.
I was reading this book and then this part came that I can’t stop thinking about, which was talking about how some people escape reality by remembering and actually living their last time they felt comfortable, happy, safe or anything that made them feel good and they can just get stuck there, and there are actually some people that can’t remember any peaceful moments of their adult life and they start longing for being a fetus and never leaving their mothers’ uterus. Then I started thinking about the last time I felt one of those things and I started having those flashbacks, again..
I remembered her arms, I remembered how warm she made me feel but I also remembered how scared I was that she would unwrap them in any second. As always having the fear of letting go.
I remembered the last time I felt accepted and loved around my friends and I just wanted to live this moment forever but then this scene stopped that peaceful moment, a scene of me leaving them, seeing the dearest people to my heart tearing and not wanting to leave my hand. The heartache goodbye.
I remembered the last time I felt safe by just looking at my mother sitting home waiting for me after a really long day with a smile on her face and opened arms, I remembered just feeling safe for the fact that she’s alive but then I remembered how terrified I used to get when I see her getting old and not knowing how would I survive without her. Not realizing nor accepting a part of life; death.
My whole life I’m scared of letting go, I’m never ready for it. Even though I have to now because there’s no other choice but I just can’t. My mind still isn’t ready to cope with anything, even my body can’t feel the comfort of another place. I’m still not ready for a new beginning even though it already started months ago. I’m still in the pain of being stuck in some moments, I’m still not ready to let go. I die every night waiting for the next day to not hurt me.
