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[sakurablogs]

Thoughts of the day

There's no bad people, I think. Just bad choices.

A lot of really bad choices. Bad series of choices.

A long, long line of bad choices, that eventually leads to someone's ultimate demise. But when you think about it, at any point before that horizon, someone can turn around and get back in the right direction, whatever that is. I wonder if it was ever even possible for them, though, or if they were just hardwired for failure from the start. Could have they ever been saved?

Or was it inevitable?

Just thinking about some past faces I don't see any more, is all.

[sakurablogs]

I need to brush off my blog.

[x]

Ugh, I want to rip out the old pages sometimes. But I won't, because pasts are important. Maybe as a reference point or something, I'm not sure. I'll leave it there but I won't read back, that's a good compromise right?

Pasts are important but you shouldn't obsess, either. We all move on.

Anyway, as I was saying, I should brush off this journal of mine and treat it like, well, an actual journal. I forget things a lot, and maybe jotting down the bits of wisdom I find will help me out.

My head's so much clearer now, and at the same time, everything is just buzzing with excitement and possibility. It's like electricity, or exposed nerves. It might be good, it might be bad, but I'm here and I'm awake.

Got my wings, it's just a matter of opening them up and catching drifts like a sail, you know? And maybe even get the strength to fly against currents, once I get the swing of it. Metaphorically and literally.

Did you know people are more ethical in the mornings than in the evenings? It's because doing the right thing takes energy. I'm writing that down in bold because I should keep that in mind when I make plans. I wake up all super pumped to do something, but once I'm done work and done whatever else by the end of the day, I'm just so tired and I want to just lounge around, play with people or be super lazy. And that's terrible in the long run on the whole 'improving the world' quota I'm aiming for here.

So maybe I need to sneakily find a way to build things in the morning. Start SOMETHING. Somehow. I don't have a direction yet, just a lot of ideas. 

But it's nice to be back, and I'm sure if I keep my eyes and ears and wings open, I'll figure something out soon.

For now I'm gonna see about raising some flowers for bees.

[sakurablogs]

The Watcher

You know, I'm convinced someone's watching me. Has been for years.

I mean, I can't really prove it, but there's always been someone at one point or another. A prophetic seer that gets interested me, or a stalking mage -- or Doc, sort of, but he does that to everyone so I don't think he counts.

Anyway, I've always been watched at one point or another. I don't know if I still am, right now, but I'm willing to bet that yes, that's true. The question is; is it malicious or good?

Most of the ones in the past have been either evil, or even just neutral...

But just, what if there WAS something good? I mean -- if it's just a person or a mortal or something, I'd be terrified of their intentions and everything ... But like, say, what if it was just some sort of idle spirit with nothing else to do but likes to just help things along?

Is that what angels are called? No... No those are jerks. Usually. The ones I met anyway.

But... It has me wondering. It all sounds weirdly religious, and I know I don't consider myself religious, have you even MET a god? The only gods I ever met that were remotely okay-people was one god of water! And not like, one of of those mortal-vessels claiming to be a god, but an actual figure MADE of water, like some kind of gigantic elemental being... That was pretty cool.

I think I want to believe. Believe in something; the natural world, or balance, or ... Hope? Hope is a double-edged sword, but at the same time, it's rather driving, isn't it? Hmm.

I used to be the vessel to an elemental goddess of light, once. My thing was Hope.

It ain't about me any more, this is all to something bigger than myself. I need to look into it. I wonder what I'll find out?

Here's to hoping, huh? Hope with action, of course.

Kickass action. Sakura out.

[sakurablogs]

Fear and Regret

I am an idiot. Have been for years. It's just now I'm doing something about it.

I know since day one I was pretty much a fool, insane and fooling myself. But I had hope, that terrible, stupid little hope that maybe I could change, that people could change.

I'd thought I'd learn after the war, but no. It sucks worse when you honestly really wanted to sacrifice it all into it. Make things work.

I'm scared. I don't want to lose Ramura. But I think I have to. I know he'll probably go away, leave, after everything that's happened. I'd like him to stay, I'd like to have him stay nearby and I could keep saying I do love him, do care, do want him to be happy and well and comfortable.

I don't think he's going to be okay with the real me, though. The me always needing someone by my side, heart on my sleeve, I can't help having a promiscuous heart. It ain't even about the sex.

I just want to feel love, feel closeness. Right now, I really don't...

I feel as if I hardly know him, honestly. And that hurts too.

I had hopes he'd settle, slow down a bit. Get closer. I slowed down for him, I tried to settle for him, hell, I did a lot of things in his name but...

I guess it doesn't work when it's for the other person and not yourself, huh?

Shit.

Well... I gave it a shot, no one can fault me for that. There's only a certain point you can reach to try change yourself, until you start to completely lose it. Start to feel nothing but shit. So, gonna do some backtracking now.

Just hope I'm doing the right thing. Right now, everything feels kind of terrible. Scary. Like I have nothing but this big plate of void. A big slab of not much with a side-order of people that are only half-interested or half-listening.

Time to rebuild, I guess.

Thanks, whoever reads this.

[sakurablogs]

Enthusiasm

So hey.

Whatever you do, figure out what makes you enthusiastic, yeah?

It's different for everyone, and everyone's kind of weird someway or somehow, but that's okay. Hell, celebrate it! Go be weird, find a safe place to be weird and weird the fuck out. Wear socks on your hands and crawl around like a frog that forgot how to jump if you feel like that's something you need to do right now. Bodies are meant to move, aren't they? A stiff society's weird and unhealthy.

Go, go be weird. And go play, too, playing is important. What's play to you? Better yet, what makes you so fucking excited that you trip or run into things when you hear about it? Can't think of anything?

Well, then explore! Try things. It's okay to fuck up. People do mistakes, yeah, but this is our one-shot at life. Weight the mistakes, figure out the pros and cons, take into account how a thing makes you feel, dude.

Here's a thought. If a genie told you it could say, grant you a wish, but you could only choose between these two things, what would you choose? The two things are: Happiness, or Authenticity?

To be happy, or to be authentic?

Something clicks when you realize it's actually the same thing. They're pretty much linked up. It's hard to be happy when you're not being your authentic self. Even if you're being 'yourself' though, that's not a ticket to being an ass or to go out and do shitty things though. Yourself can still learn and you can figure out how to adapt and change or at least figure out a new behaviour that makes you and others happier. Makes everyone happier! It's a tough process though. Doing it alone is hard. Do not recommend. 

Anyway, this has been a ramble.

Go do a thing, it's okay to fuck it up. So long as it's fun or you're proud.

[sakurablogs]

Day's lessons

I am a selfish bastard and that's okay.

Turns out my family wanted me to be myself and not actually like them. There may or may not actually be many versions of what is 'good' in the world and it's not all kind of cookie-cutter paladins everywhere. People can be good in different ways, yes. 

Getting Ink surprised and make him go do something is incredibly hilarious and really kind of fun. I live for that kind of baffled expression on people's faces.

I forgot what else I was going to say.

Oh yeah Daine's dying but I'm gonna try to help fix that and someone else is going to be the hero for this thing but I'mma do my thing anyway on the side and see how that goes.

I really want cookies.

Gonna go make cookies.

yes.

[sakurablogs]

On Choice

If there's one thing I hold dear, it's the concept of courage.

Did you know the root word for courage is cor? I think it means heart in latin. I know in French, heart is Coeur, and it's pronounced as cor. So that can't be off.

But yeah. Courage is heart. I think it's to act from the heart, and I'm talking like, deep down. Not your own wants and desires, but what you honestly, truly feel is right. It's the answer to fear, I think. 

Practising courage is tricky, though. I mean, the whole point of courage existing is the fact there has to be a fear there to face it. A physical fear of danger, a social fear of rejection, a spiritual fear of losing some greater part of yourself. Or even just the fear of looking silly, getting a bruised ego, it's pretty real.

The thing about courage though, is that it's based on choice. You can choose to stand up or to look away, you can choose to do the same thing over and over or choose to take a risk. You can choose to say yes or choose to say no, go against the grain, speak up.

It's not easy. But it can get easier.

One thing I like to do a lot, is that when I'm facing something scary, or just a choice that has me getting all hesitant, I like to picture myself just throwing myself off of something. Drop down, let gravity do the work.

You just gotta tilt forward, and ride out the rest. Falling is easy, once you got the first word out of your mouth or the first step forward, it's easy. It's walking over the edge that's hard, going over the edge and trusting it won't kill you, trusting it's the right thing.

Opportunities to practice it is everywhere, though. See someone struggling with bags, don't shy away, offer up help. Ask if they're okay. Someone being rude, call them out (politely if you can -- and think you could get away with it). Got an idea different from other folks close to you? Take a breath, pause, and realize you can make a conscious decision then and there. It's a moment to do something different.

It's all about that pause, man. When you feel yourself at the crossroads, or standing on that edge. Pause of choice. 

"Am I going to be brave, today?"

Then go. Do a thing.

Maybe with constant practice of falling, you'll end up flying, haha. Who knows, right? But it helps to get stronger, I think, as it becomes habit.

I think that's one way how people can become awesome.