Broken Gear Chronicles

I was told to write things so I do that now. [[In-Character blog of my Roleplay character Sakura Tama, play with her at www.EctopicFantast.tumblr.com!]]

[sakurablogs]

On Punching Things for Freedom

You know, I think I figured something out.

All this time I've been fussing about which side, or about what I'm fighting for in the end. It's important to know your cause! And, I think I finally know.

I think I fight (in the figurative term) for understanding. This world -- and worlds around it -- are all in the process of some gradual evolution. We're all just beginning to exist, and we're all still figuring things out. Some people get caught up on stupid things like fighting for land, or who's made up god sounds better than that person's made up god, or over the best way to run a lemonade stand of giant proportions. There's a lot of arguments out there that are just thinking too small, or arguing over the wrong things, I think.

I'm wandering off topic there -- what I'm trying to say is, I fight to encourage discovery. People can't discover things if they're struggling, or busy surviving, or destroying the thing that could be discovered. Learning, and understanding, these are ideas I can stand behind.

And I think I fight for the employment of ideas, too. It's one thing to understand that so and so plant has health benefits, another thing entirely to completely raze a forest just for that one plant and becoming its sole manufacturer, that sells the plant at a stupid high price. That ain't cool, and that's getting in the way of optimal discovery.

So now my job boils down to encouraging people to learn about the best way to live, and to punch out people that try to get in their, our, way.

Yeah, that sounds like a good life motto to me. I'm okay with this.

(Perhaps not so violently, but it is a bit of a sad state when it may be the only thing certain people will listen to. We'll burn that bridge when we get there.)

[sakurablogs]

Thoughts of the day

There's no bad people, I think. Just bad choices.

A lot of really bad choices. Bad series of choices.

A long, long line of bad choices, that eventually leads to someone's ultimate demise. But when you think about it, at any point before that horizon, someone can turn around and get back in the right direction, whatever that is. I wonder if it was ever even possible for them, though, or if they were just hardwired for failure from the start. Could have they ever been saved?

Or was it inevitable?

Just thinking about some past faces I don't see any more, is all.

[sakurablogs]

I need to brush off my blog.

[x]

Ugh, I want to rip out the old pages sometimes. But I won't, because pasts are important. Maybe as a reference point or something, I'm not sure. I'll leave it there but I won't read back, that's a good compromise right?

Pasts are important but you shouldn't obsess, either. We all move on.

Anyway, as I was saying, I should brush off this journal of mine and treat it like, well, an actual journal. I forget things a lot, and maybe jotting down the bits of wisdom I find will help me out.

My head's so much clearer now, and at the same time, everything is just buzzing with excitement and possibility. It's like electricity, or exposed nerves. It might be good, it might be bad, but I'm here and I'm awake.

Got my wings, it's just a matter of opening them up and catching drifts like a sail, you know? And maybe even get the strength to fly against currents, once I get the swing of it. Metaphorically and literally.

Did you know people are more ethical in the mornings than in the evenings? It's because doing the right thing takes energy. I'm writing that down in bold because I should keep that in mind when I make plans. I wake up all super pumped to do something, but once I'm done work and done whatever else by the end of the day, I'm just so tired and I want to just lounge around, play with people or be super lazy. And that's terrible in the long run on the whole 'improving the world' quota I'm aiming for here.

So maybe I need to sneakily find a way to build things in the morning. Start SOMETHING. Somehow. I don't have a direction yet, just a lot of ideas. 

But it's nice to be back, and I'm sure if I keep my eyes and ears and wings open, I'll figure something out soon.

For now I'm gonna see about raising some flowers for bees.

[sakurablogs]

The Watcher

You know, I'm convinced someone's watching me. Has been for years.

I mean, I can't really prove it, but there's always been someone at one point or another. A prophetic seer that gets interested me, or a stalking mage -- or Doc, sort of, but he does that to everyone so I don't think he counts.

Anyway, I've always been watched at one point or another. I don't know if I still am, right now, but I'm willing to bet that yes, that's true. The question is; is it malicious or good?

Most of the ones in the past have been either evil, or even just neutral...

But just, what if there WAS something good? I mean -- if it's just a person or a mortal or something, I'd be terrified of their intentions and everything ... But like, say, what if it was just some sort of idle spirit with nothing else to do but likes to just help things along?

Is that what angels are called? No... No those are jerks. Usually. The ones I met anyway.

But... It has me wondering. It all sounds weirdly religious, and I know I don't consider myself religious, have you even MET a god? The only gods I ever met that were remotely okay-people was one god of water! And not like, one of of those mortal-vessels claiming to be a god, but an actual figure MADE of water, like some kind of gigantic elemental being... That was pretty cool.

I think I want to believe. Believe in something; the natural world, or balance, or ... Hope? Hope is a double-edged sword, but at the same time, it's rather driving, isn't it? Hmm.

I used to be the vessel to an elemental goddess of light, once. My thing was Hope.

It ain't about me any more, this is all to something bigger than myself. I need to look into it. I wonder what I'll find out?

Here's to hoping, huh? Hope with action, of course.

Kickass action. Sakura out.

[sakurablogs]

Fear and Regret

I am an idiot. Have been for years. It's just now I'm doing something about it.

I know since day one I was pretty much a fool, insane and fooling myself. But I had hope, that terrible, stupid little hope that maybe I could change, that people could change.

I'd thought I'd learn after the war, but no. It sucks worse when you honestly really wanted to sacrifice it all into it. Make things work.

I'm scared. I don't want to lose Ramura. But I think I have to. I know he'll probably go away, leave, after everything that's happened. I'd like him to stay, I'd like to have him stay nearby and I could keep saying I do love him, do care, do want him to be happy and well and comfortable.

I don't think he's going to be okay with the real me, though. The me always needing someone by my side, heart on my sleeve, I can't help having a promiscuous heart. It ain't even about the sex.

I just want to feel love, feel closeness. Right now, I really don't...

I feel as if I hardly know him, honestly. And that hurts too.

I had hopes he'd settle, slow down a bit. Get closer. I slowed down for him, I tried to settle for him, hell, I did a lot of things in his name but...

I guess it doesn't work when it's for the other person and not yourself, huh?

Shit.

Well... I gave it a shot, no one can fault me for that. There's only a certain point you can reach to try change yourself, until you start to completely lose it. Start to feel nothing but shit. So, gonna do some backtracking now.

Just hope I'm doing the right thing. Right now, everything feels kind of terrible. Scary. Like I have nothing but this big plate of void. A big slab of not much with a side-order of people that are only half-interested or half-listening.

Time to rebuild, I guess.

Thanks, whoever reads this.

[sakurablogs]

Enthusiasm

So hey.

Whatever you do, figure out what makes you enthusiastic, yeah?

It's different for everyone, and everyone's kind of weird someway or somehow, but that's okay. Hell, celebrate it! Go be weird, find a safe place to be weird and weird the fuck out. Wear socks on your hands and crawl around like a frog that forgot how to jump if you feel like that's something you need to do right now. Bodies are meant to move, aren't they? A stiff society's weird and unhealthy.

Go, go be weird. And go play, too, playing is important. What's play to you? Better yet, what makes you so fucking excited that you trip or run into things when you hear about it? Can't think of anything?

Well, then explore! Try things. It's okay to fuck up. People do mistakes, yeah, but this is our one-shot at life. Weight the mistakes, figure out the pros and cons, take into account how a thing makes you feel, dude.

Here's a thought. If a genie told you it could say, grant you a wish, but you could only choose between these two things, what would you choose? The two things are: Happiness, or Authenticity?

To be happy, or to be authentic?

Something clicks when you realize it's actually the same thing. They're pretty much linked up. It's hard to be happy when you're not being your authentic self. Even if you're being 'yourself' though, that's not a ticket to being an ass or to go out and do shitty things though. Yourself can still learn and you can figure out how to adapt and change or at least figure out a new behaviour that makes you and others happier. Makes everyone happier! It's a tough process though. Doing it alone is hard. Do not recommend. 

Anyway, this has been a ramble.

Go do a thing, it's okay to fuck it up. So long as it's fun or you're proud.

[sakurablogs]

Day's lessons

I am a selfish bastard and that's okay.

Turns out my family wanted me to be myself and not actually like them. There may or may not actually be many versions of what is 'good' in the world and it's not all kind of cookie-cutter paladins everywhere. People can be good in different ways, yes. 

Getting Ink surprised and make him go do something is incredibly hilarious and really kind of fun. I live for that kind of baffled expression on people's faces.

I forgot what else I was going to say.

Oh yeah Daine's dying but I'm gonna try to help fix that and someone else is going to be the hero for this thing but I'mma do my thing anyway on the side and see how that goes.

I really want cookies.

Gonna go make cookies.

yes.

[sakurablogs]

Sometimes I'm left wondering.

Just who, or what, is really working for me here.

I get a lot of promises.

I'm not so sure about the results.

One day it's all going to be for me, so I understand.

For my better good.

To make me better.

Go against my instincts, huh?

I feel like I'm quietly going insane.

Is this life?

Or a condemnation, my family the guardsmen?

Wardens?

I could so easily just escape

Cut them all out, leave

Would I feel better then?

I don't know.

It would be so easy to give into being me again

Just me

Free

But is that right?

And I find myself wondering ... Why do I

even

Care?

About them?

I hope this feeling passes.

[sakurablogs]

On Choice

If there's one thing I hold dear, it's the concept of courage.

Did you know the root word for courage is cor? I think it means heart in latin. I know in French, heart is Coeur, and it's pronounced as cor. So that can't be off.

But yeah. Courage is heart. I think it's to act from the heart, and I'm talking like, deep down. Not your own wants and desires, but what you honestly, truly feel is right. It's the answer to fear, I think. 

Practising courage is tricky, though. I mean, the whole point of courage existing is the fact there has to be a fear there to face it. A physical fear of danger, a social fear of rejection, a spiritual fear of losing some greater part of yourself. Or even just the fear of looking silly, getting a bruised ego, it's pretty real.

The thing about courage though, is that it's based on choice. You can choose to stand up or to look away, you can choose to do the same thing over and over or choose to take a risk. You can choose to say yes or choose to say no, go against the grain, speak up.

It's not easy. But it can get easier.

One thing I like to do a lot, is that when I'm facing something scary, or just a choice that has me getting all hesitant, I like to picture myself just throwing myself off of something. Drop down, let gravity do the work.

You just gotta tilt forward, and ride out the rest. Falling is easy, once you got the first word out of your mouth or the first step forward, it's easy. It's walking over the edge that's hard, going over the edge and trusting it won't kill you, trusting it's the right thing.

Opportunities to practice it is everywhere, though. See someone struggling with bags, don't shy away, offer up help. Ask if they're okay. Someone being rude, call them out (politely if you can -- and think you could get away with it). Got an idea different from other folks close to you? Take a breath, pause, and realize you can make a conscious decision then and there. It's a moment to do something different.

It's all about that pause, man. When you feel yourself at the crossroads, or standing on that edge. Pause of choice. 

"Am I going to be brave, today?"

Then go. Do a thing.

Maybe with constant practice of falling, you'll end up flying, haha. Who knows, right? But it helps to get stronger, I think, as it becomes habit.

I think that's one way how people can become awesome.

[sakurablogs]

By the way nothing beats goat cheese. Nothing.

...

Nothing bleats goat cheese.

I need to get some goats. Where do you get goats in gotham

[sakurablogs]

On Being Useful

It's weird, becoming nobody.

There's really nothing like it. I mean, it's probably one thing to just be an average person your whole life... But to have been someone big, powerful, ruling and all that? I mean, I had people know about my name months before I'd meet them, and folks would flock to me for ideas, orders, help, whatever else. I couldn't take two steps without three people all requesting to talk to me in private, it just about became a running joke.

I never thought I'd actually miss that. Or, at least, the sense of worth that brought.

I mean, I tried (try?) to keep a level head about things and all, but I guess I'd be lying if I didn't mention how all that can really affect your psyche. Folks would literally fall apart if I wasn't there to keep them calm, collected, and guide them to whatever they needed to do. People looked up to me. Hell, I felt confident. "Of course you're looking up to me, I'm fucking awesome."

And then one day you wake up and you had all that stripped away. Now I'm just a dude. Dudette. Thing.

... I guess it isn't so bad though, thinking about it. I mean, I did lose powers, my island, essentially my entire 'career', titles, authority, sense of power and being in control and all that shaz but, well, I still have family.

In a sort of terrifying, who-are-you-people kind of way. It's weird to have family you can no longer give orders to. I mean, my job was to make sure Daine didn't eat any of the new islanders, Doc doesn't get too dangerously bored or unhappy, try to keep Lyos from murdering or molesting the other islanders (while he was still alive anyway), and as for everyone else, well, I was just peace-keeper. It worked out well for me, at least I thought it did, at first. I felt important. Turns out I wasn't as on-top of things as I thought.

But yeah, for all my losses, I did gain, or well, regain family. I feel like I'm starting over from scratch, bottom down and looking up at these towering people all up above me. People that know what they're doing, people that can only shake their head and remain unimpressed by whatever thing I'm trying to do, or just kind of awkwardly pat my head when I try. I feel about as impressive as a fish flopping out of water.

Ink-grand-dad says he's proud of me. I imagine my mother is, too. Brings up the question though, am I proud of me?

I'm not sure. I mean, I survived, so...

So I think I can be happy for that. I survived and I didn't get worse.

I'll figure out how to feel important or useful again. Needed? Or something like that. More than needed. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know if I even want that again. I remember complaining about how I'd love to see a day where people didn't need me and could just manage on their own. Careful what you wish for, right? Heh.

...Anyway, this has been a ramble, had to get it out of the system or something, I think. 

Let's go get some shit done.

[sakurablogs]

Rambles on Heroism

This is a bit of an obsession of mine.

It's kind of silly, kind of insane... But then again, I guess everyone's kind of insane to start with. We try to fit in and be like others or be normal, and somehow we all made this big secret agreement as to what normal is. And if we don't fit into that, we're targeted because of it. Because folks are scared, I think.

They're scared of being wrong. And nothing's scarier than thinking you might be wrong, especially if you're alone on something. But you know what? I don't think folks are as alone as we tend to think we are...

I mean, I've met a lot of folks, been to a lot of lands, met faces of all kinds. It kind of really boils down to just a few things, in the end, that we all kinda want. We all want someone to love us, we want to be cared for  (and I mean really cared for in the sense that someone cares about you, you personally,) and we want to do something that makes other people feel happy for us. In the end, we're all just trying to figure it out.

I think a lot of people forget that.

So back to the obsession thing, before I get sidetracked again. My kinda obsession is, well, kinda embarrassing like I said but, whatever. It's on heroism.

I'm talking taking something bad and finding a solution for it, that kinda heroism. The kind of heroism where all that was needed is someone to stand up and make the connection, to go to that big bad and tell them what's up, and figure out a way to fix it. The kind of heroes that fix things without having to kill, that saves everyone including the big bad himself, those heroes get a lot of shit done. That. That's what I'm all about.

It's hard, though... What if you're wrong, when you're dealing with such high stakes? One wrong move could end lives, hundreds of lives, even, or destroy things that took forever to build or make... I've fucked up a few times, that's for certain. Mis-actions broke a lot of things.

And yet, I can't really stop. I mean, sure I fucked up but, does that mean I have to look away when I see something that's just plain wrong? I just can't. It ain't even an option in me, or something to consider.

When I made my island, Silverion, it used to just be a place for me and my friends to stay on. We all lost our homes, so I took it into my own hands to make us one. Home of Adventurers. Wasn't easy leading an island of anarchists, let me tell you.

I think I learned a lot, though. The good and the bad can be found anywhere, in anyone, for one thing. Best heroes I've seen could be either demons or angels, worst actions I've seen could also come from either. When I showed up here and saw all these humans and the kind of things they do, it's incredibly easy to file off the whole species as a plague that needs to be cleaned.

But then I had to stop and think again, think back to the first lessons I learned out in the field. Heroes can really come from anywhere, it's what you do that counts. What you do about the messes you make, the things you hurt, every passing minute is a chance to do something different. Make it a little better, or even just a little less bad.

I think I'm gonna try it again, being a hero. I'm gonna do a bit more than I did before though; I'm gonna find out the best way to be a hero. I used to have this idea that I was the only one that actually knew how to get anything done properly, and turning my back on folks would just leave them to completely wreck everything I worked for. Maybe they did, I don't know.

Maybe I need to put in a bit more trust in people's spirits. Given the right inspiration, the right hope and confidence, maybe something really can be done.

Anyway, I'm gonna go see if Savira wants to try sewing something or go exploring or something now, so uh, see you or something.

How do I even finish these writing things? Oh well.

- Sakura

[sakurablogs]

Koishe keeps giving me books.

I keep trying to tell him I don't read, but then he keeps giving me things that are interesting.

Damn him and his bookish ways. I'm gonna need my reading glasses permanently at this rate.

[sakurablogs]

So uh...

I'm typing a thing now.

I think I'm getting this right. So, I was told to start a thing so I can sort out my brain without spazzing at people all the time, in case they're not there to be spazzed at, I think. I'm kind of nervous about this.

Does anyone actually read these? Will they? It's a scary thought. What about bad people? ... Well, I guess they're always kind of there anyway, no matter what you do.

So uh, here is a first entry, I think.

- Sakura