#sam has adhd

[copperbadge]

Oh my guys, I am dying.

I belong to the Aphantasia Network, an organization that provides resources and discussion space for people with aphantasia, the inability to form mental images (which I have). Every so often they send out surveys and I always participate because the whole condition was really only discovered within the last 20 years or so, even though obviously it's not new in terms of existing in the human experience. I want to contribute!

But this morning I got a survey invitation that opened with

"Recent research suggests that the ability to sense internal bodily signals (called "interoception") might be connected to how we form mental images."

I spent months, when I was in DBT class, trying to figure out why all the physical stuff -- half-smiling, open posture, dive reflex, body scan -- didn't seem to work for me. I don't really feel emotions in my body or if I do I'm not aware of it, so soothing/stimulating the body had no perceptible impact on my emotions. I was still upset, I was just now upset and also felt dumb because I had a washcloth on my face, or upset and bored because breathing deeply is boring.

I was acting under the assumption that because these techniques were physical and were working for other people, they were both real and universal to the physical condition. I was simply disconnected emotionally from my body and therefore faulty in some way -- well, not faulty, but in need of some kind of repair, because the disconnect signaled a dysfunction of some kind. I had a fight with one of the therapists teaching the class about it. I had fights with people here about it when I said that my emotions don't often cause physical reactions, outside of adrenaline responses to shocks. Plenty of people thought I was lying to myself about it, and I considered they might be correct, given the data I had at the time. I say this in the tags as well but I was Unpleasant about those discussions and I'm sorry to anyone who was interacting with me and got the sharp end of my misdirected anger.

But...now here's an explanation, at least a potential one. There appears to be a link between inability to form mental images and either disconnect from physical sensation of emotion or lack of physical reaction linked to emotional state. The research is new, so who knows whether it's accurate, but I'm feeling pretty fucking validated this morning. It's very possible that I am emotionally disconnected from my body because I was born this way.

Aphantasia is also seemingly higher in people with ADHD, and both ADHD and poor interoception are linked to poor emotional regulation.

Wild.

I'm gonna have such a good powerpoint for my next therapy appointment!

Also, every time I post about aphantasia I get questions about it and I'm happy to answer them, but I would direct anyone curious to the "an aphantasia fantasia" tag which is where all my discussions of it go, including links to other research. If you venture out onto the internet to research it, I would stick to scientific research sites; there's a lot of woo going on around the idea right now, including attempts to "cure" it with meditation and hallucinogens, and the Reddit aphantasia community can be a very negative one (lots of talk around "suddenly" being "abnormal", looky-lous questioning if people with aphantasia are even truly sentient, etc), so read with care.

[fanaroff]

I find the idea that Sam and Tucker are neurodivergent but Danny is neurotypical funny.

“What’s your conditions?”

Sam: I’m inactive-ADHD, ultra-recyclo vegetarian not because of texture reasons but my own beliefs (maybe some texture issues too), and Goth. I’ve got my specific hyperfixations based specifically around things my mom wouldn’t like that I do. This is partly due to my Oppositional Defiant Disorder caused by my ADHD. I’m also chronically dead inside.

Tucker: Auti-HD baby, gotta have that Too Much for Too Fine Tuck, this is my comfort PDA her name is Linda. I coded her specifically for *devolves into hour long info-dump about technology* I also only eat meat as a safe food and refuse anything else.

Sam & Tucker *pointing to Danny*: This is our emotional support neurotypical. He used to have his life together, got good grades, was a little genius, always came to school on time, only had one hobby that wasn’t playing games, and was on the road for a scholarship. He didn’t need meds to function at the time.

Danny: I’m dead now :)

“You mean dead inside? Like depressed?”

Danny: :)

[copperbadge]

I have never felt my ADHD diagnosis more than just now when I was hunting through my various messenger bags for a flashdrive I couldn't find, and instead found a total of $80 in cash I did not know I had, spread across three separate bags.

Still haven't found the flashdrive but I remember putting it somewhere very specific when I unpacked it after my last trip, so I know it's somewhere safe. And I guess now I can buy a replacement if I need to.

[copperbadge]

I'm not normally impulsive, by which I mean I'm not impulsive in the way ADHD impulsivity is normally characterized -- driving fast, compulsive spending, shoplifting, risk taking behavior generally. But I have never felt my very specific verbal impulsivity more than when I'm with my parents and the Adderall either hasn't kicked in or is wearing off.

It's not exactly infuriating or frustrating but like, whatever the gentler version of those are, when my mother reminisces about my childhood in a way that indicates she clearly noticed my neurodivergent behaviors and just thought they were cute. She keeps bringing up how for two years in grade school I ate the same sandwich for lunch every day.

1. Lady, I was nine. You packed my lunch. As I recall it you didn't ask what sandwich I wanted, you just packed me the same thing every day. Which was fine! I like cheese sandwiches! But I don't recall you giving me the choice.

2. Even if it's true that I asked for the same thing, you noticed this and now I find you spoke to my teacher about it and still didn't think to get me the evaluation you got my diagnosed-autistic younger brother.

But she doesn't know I have ADHD because can open, worms everywhere, so I finally just said, "you bring up this story a lot, does something about it bother you?" which is the impulsivity talking.

Turns out I thought she was trying to somehow offer a criticism of some current behavior of mine and she just found it a treasured memory of parenting me. I do not find "you were a little weirdo failing fourth grade and I did nothing to help" a treasured memory, but the Adderall did hit before I got that far in the conversation, so that's something.

Whenever Therapist and I do scheduling around the time I'm traveling home, I always book for after I return for self-evident and practically stereotypical reasons.

[copperbadge]

You're very young so there's no reason you should know this, but 15-20 years ago "eating the same sandwich every day" wasn't anywhere on anyone's red flag list for neurodivergency. We knew autistic people liked eating the same thing, but wanting to eat one specific thing didn't necessarily link back to autism (let alone ADHD, which we knew even less about beyond "rambunctious boys can't sit still").

I'm not gonna tell you to cut your mom slack because you obviously have your reasons to be very angry with her, but I believe her that she had no reason to suspect your neurodivergent tendencies pointed to a neurodivergency. We literally didn't know.

I mean, twenty years ago I was twenty-six. My younger brother was diagnosed with autism when he was three and I was eight. My brother had to be made an entirely separate dinner every night because he only ate one thing for dinner, so like, The Signs Were There. Even if that wasn't yet a strong signal, my parents were highly educated about his disability -- they were diligent, put him in special education classes, had a yearly IEP, kept up with the literature, so they were a little more aware of what might signal an issue than your average 80s parent.

Honestly, I wouldn't be so irritated by it if she didn't keep bringing it up and also mention that she found it a red enough flag to talk to a teacher about it. I have a feeling I know what teacher she talked to, which is part of the problem.

Like...I do try to cut my parents all the slack I can, which is why I gripe here and not to them. My mother doesn't know about the diagnosis because all it would do is hurt her. And there was a family dynamic at play there -- as you may know, a lot of time parents were blamed for their child's autism in the 80s and 90s (the "fridge mommy" nonsense), and my parents could point to me and go "But he's in gifted classes. He's totally fine," and whether or not they believed that, it helped them deal with the fact that they already had one child doctors were saying was their "fault". Since I was capable of more than my brother in many ways, their emotional energy went to him, and while that's not fair I think it's pretty natural. So I try not to be bitter. But my parents were not blank slates when they started noticing things about me that should have set off more alarms than it did, so it's hard.

[copperbadge]

Me for the last 15 years: Starting a timer when you have to wait for something or stand in line can be helpful, because no matter how impatient you feel you can check the timer and remind yourself it has not been several eternities and has in fact only been five minutes.

Me setting a timer when I got to bag claim just now: I'm so clever! I will now be reminded that it's only been five minutes and bag claim usually takes about twenty!

Me looking at the timer thoughtfully: ...another Very Neurotypical Moment With Sam, it appears.

[copperbadge]

I saw a tag recently that got me thinking (dangerous) about the intersection of creativity and mental health specifically with regards to medication -- someone said “Maybe I should look into Adderall, I didn’t know it would still allow me to be creative” and I was going to respond blankly encouraging, because it’s been GREAT for me, when I saw they added “Because I can’t write on the Vyvanse.” 

Which is heartbreaking, but also reminded me that not everyone went from unmedicated to perfectly treated in a single step, and a lot of people still have imperfect medication. I really have very little experience with medication that impacts brain function and I’ve been mad lucky that Adderall has been seamless for me. I’ve never taken a medication that wouldn’t let me write; I’d be in severe distress if that happened. Even when I haven’t been writing much, or haven’t been writing original work, I’ve never not been writing at all for longer than a month or two at most.  

So I thought, well, I could do an essay on my experience as a creative who takes Adderall. But also I could invite my readers to talk about their experiences, since many of the people who read me have used different medication, have used medication for other conditions than ADHD, and have used medication for much longer, so they have more diverse and nuanced experiences. Then I thought, if I’m asking other people to chime in, maybe there should be some kind of collection of those essays. And I have like 80 ISBNs burning a hole in my pocket.

So I’m curious -- if there were an anthology about the experiences of creative people, specifically focused on how their medication interacted with their creativity, would that be of interest? Are there people out there who would want to submit works -- essays, poems, fiction, art -- for such a book, and are there people who’d want to read it? All of this on the understanding that as with all Extribulum Press books, a free PDF version would be available alongside paid ePub and paper copies. Creators would be paid -- I feel pretty strongly about paying people who submit work for sale publication -- though I'm not sure how the fee structure would shake out and I’m not experienced in the legal side in terms of contracts and such. We could probably set up a smallish upfront flat payment and a percentage of royalties after the flat payments are recouped, with rights retained to the author for republication. If that's of interest to you as an artist or reader, drop a comment or reblog (please don't send asks, that's a traffic jam waiting to happen).

And I do want to say, regardless of all else: if your medication does not allow you to be creative, or to enjoy your creativity, then that’s a problem, not just a side-effect. Get on whatever you can that will help you get your life together or get onto an even keel, but once that’s happened, loss of creativity is something you can and should address. It’s not a penalty you pay for sanity; if a medication made you lose the use of a hand, you’d want a different medication. Maybe it’s an unavoidable side effect, and if so that's really a crap situation, but nobody should permanently accept the loss of creativity as a requisite without at least exploring all their options. Talk to your prescriber and ask about your options. We should all be nominally sane and wildly creative if we can.

[copperbadge]

Hodag: Your pillbox looks like conversation hearts. You've got blue, white, pink, orange...

Me, pointing to the orange Adderall: Don't eat that one, that's meth!

Then I cracked up laughing picturing it: