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Carbon Footprint
Integrity is our carbon footprint through life, to realise in our thoughts, the words we speak, the actions which follow and the notes we play, each placed always with the greatest care.
Striving with determination and integrity in all our endeavours whether personal or professional, ensuring our carbon footprint contributes to a more tolerant, kinder and creative world in 2020.
Observation by immersion - a qualitative form of research!
I did not realise what I was going through three years ago and nobody, not even my trusted holistic therapist would spell it out for me, being more concerned to keep me safe from myself. It was a year or so later when someone (I can’t even remember who), probably my brave sister, referred to what had happened as a mental breakdown. This was followed by a physical immune system breakdown which is a textbook physical response, as I was to discover in a research essay within my Performance Science Masters I was doing at the time. Whether I felt embarrassed or simply could not identify with the term ‘mental breakdown’, I preferred and felt ‘mental crash’ described more appropriately what had happened to me.
In the course of my writing Organise-Prioritise-Commit; The Definitive Method for Performance, to which I am currently deep in yet another re-write and re-edit, I wanted to explore the generic difference between Attention and Focus. For those interested, hugely subtle which has supported how I had wanted to differentiate the two within the practical engagement of OPC. With attention and focus being connected to concentration as topics on the internet and the problems which can impair their functioning capability, I found myself reading about ‘High Functioning Anxiety’. I am currently promoting the importance of identification and labels to increase understanding and efficiency in the context of practice and performance. But reading the descriptive of ‘High Functioning Anxiety’, quite honestly I’m not sure I wanted to give what I clearly have, a name. While there were some descriptions, like alcohol dependency or eager to please (which I’m happy to say was certainly one of mine, but not anymore) which at least I could dismiss, but there were some additional traits which were not mentioned, importance of realising my potential in the service of others) and eating or perhaps I should say, lack of eating being just two!
Actually it is fair to say that I felt quite shaken by what I read. The accuracy of the descriptive being a recognised form of anxiety and identifying with its effects on me and the way I function; that there was a name for what I had just embraced as me! It even exposes the positives, my industrious working habits, my ‘over analytical thinking’, my compulsive desire for order, a certain tidiness agendas and lists. Annoyingly it even goes on to describe how many HFA bods like me can be very unwilling to deal responsibly and take some deliberate action, for fear of losing the advantages which it so clearly gives us. Yup – that’s me! It’s perhaps like having a deformity, but one which has afforded me the capability an analytical awareness which I believe within performance and with a performer’s perspective, goes to a depth rarely exposed in an open, honest and constructive way. High Functioning Anxiety does not afford me rights or privileges, but it does give me an understanding of what I’m actually dealing with. Labels give an identity and clarity to know what we are dealing with and how best to manage and work with our vulnerabilities which can be illusive and remain hidden within the very fabric of our character traits. Exposure takes courage, commitment and indeed motivation to be a healthier version of ourselves from which our life goals, ambitions and indeed relationships both with ourselves and others, can only benefit. Identification is not the cure when working with the multi-forms of anxiety associated to performance, but it is a solid starting point. Whether on stage, audition, interview, sales pitch or even written exam, knowledge and understanding will propagate a healthy, honest and balanced attitude creating an environment in which to accomplish excellence in performance as well as life itself.
New Year Reflections…
Until I met some of my early morning swimming friends this morning who admitted to similar if not such extreme feelings, I felt rather at odds with the Happy New Year theme which has pervaded the last 72 hours. For me this reached intensity on December 31st when the weight of festive obligation mixed with my intense reluctance to participate in the New Year fervour resulted in my having to take to my bed with a burning headache. Having tasked myself to practice or at the very least to do my warmup, my despondency and indifference to my inner rallying voice which normally is enough to push me into action added to my misery. It was only my clock management (an old a trusting trick of mine), that forced me into the music room to lick some reeds and get the warmup completed.
In my last two difficult years I have been training myself always to strive in pursuit of goals but not to expect. The only place for expectation is in a daily personal which in my case is the warmup and practice session. This is for me the one place where my investment and commitment in a well-managed warmup will be rewarded and expectations realised. The warmup could equally be replaced with a writing project, a blog, writing a diary or some other creative or even culinary activity which is totally yours and relies on no one else. It is from this that fulfilment and self-affirmation can generate resilience, purpose and a sense of determination for the challenges which life will inevitably throw our way. Complicit behaviour expected for the New Year festivities even for someone as single minded and obstinate as me caused severe turmoil. Indifference was the result; a feeling so totally at odds with my normal pattern of behaviour.
On Sundays swimming my lengths in the later lanes only session, knowing that my daily swim always clears my head and helps my inner balance, I was able to reflect more objectively why this New Year was causing my dark mood. The root cause revealed itself as fear of disappointment and failed expectations. It was also my issue with the word ‘happy’ which seems to prefix the New Year greeting. Surely it is about fulfilment and sense of self-worth from which each individual will feel more kindly towards themselves and the people around them, not just within the hype of New Year festivities but every day.
While there is always a place for optimism and always extending our capabilities, being realistic to New Year expectations offers a potentially more grounded and secure approach in which to manage personal aspirations. But rather than feeling that only a new year carries promise, how about looking to each day as a new beginning from which to set and redefine life and work goals. Therefore would not a warm smile and a greeting of ‘good morning’ to strangers you might meet on your morning journey not give a positive boost to you and the recipient? I don’t meet that many people at 5.42am on my walk to swimming, but on my way back as I walk through the park, I’ve often greeted and been the recipient of a morning greetings, not in the fervour of festivities but on ordinary mornings. Even when the body is cold and the spirit a little despondent, that small spark of caring one human to another. What better way to start each day from which to fuel daily goals and aspirations.
Beware of populist phrases!
‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’, is both one of the most over used as well as damaging phrases populated as a fix all response to high stress situations. If the same phrase was applied to physical pain, without a careful scrutiny and evaluation of the potential harm and consequences, its value would be more appropriately seen as deeply flawed. Anybody who knows me, even slightly knows that I do not give in to fear. However behind the fear lies a cause. In the physical sense there might be postural adjustment or a muscle strain which needs treatment or resting to avoid further damage or worse! In the same way psychological fear also has a cause, to which a careful enquiry might reveal a way from which a mental repositioning along with psychological adjustment and understanding might enable the fear to be downgraded to high-pressure.
High-pressure and responsibility is an inevitable part and consequence of performance which cannot be denied. But if there is some practical cause behind the fear; for example task anxiety undermining overall confidence. Exposing the task(s), exploring potential cause and then implementing a strategic approach will ensure a more robust response to the pressured environment of performance. If the fear potentially stems from a psychological cause, trait anxiety (anxiety being an intrinsic part of your nature) or state anxiety (an anxious response to the particular event or performance situations in general), an enquiry will enable you to apply rational reasoning giving the opportunity to explore a responsible strategy. This could be moving your attention from the audience or possibly a particular person or persons in the audience to someone (either in the audience or not) to whom you would prefer to dedicate your performance. It might be that the motive behind your performance is the music itself to which your dedication and attention is committed. Before I go on to play, my personal affirmation is ‘I am here for the music’.
But most importantly, performance or indeed any pressured situation should not be in a spirit of fear, as fear can cause so much damage. Physically, through muscle, postural (and for wind players) aural-facial tension and psychologically, compromising imagination and intuition. Fear has a cause; cause has a reason; reasoning promotes solutions; solutions promote clarity and commitment giving the potential to responsibly understanding our fears. Not as catchy as the original version, but less damaging and certainly more powerful in working and managing ourselves in the face of high-pressure and demanding situations and so doing, ever expanding ourselves and our potential in our journey through life.
