All Things Clarinet

[all-things-clarinet]

A new year, a new day...

New year messages are weighted with an added responsibility to be both profound and empowering. Whether in the form of a personal affirmation or to be shared with others.

At the start of a new year, responsibility and expectations carry an added bittersweet opportunity to hit the reset button to wipe the slate clean of whatever disappointments, difficulties, missed opportunities or sadness existed in the previous year or years. Absolution, a word I remember all too well from my early primary school days at a catholic convent, is then replaced with resolution, the buzz word which is so prevalent at the start of a new year – new year resolutions!!

Whether said in response to the question “so what’s your new year resolutions” (often asked with a flippant tone), or whispered inside the head, almost inaudibly but with heartfelt desire, while perhaps lacking that self-belief and resolve to realise those new year resolution.

Yet with a year filled with 365 days, why, seriously, why should disappointment and disillusionment come as such a surprise when almost as quickly as those “good intentions” those “new year resolutions” are challenged by internal or external forces shattering those new year resolutions along with the spirit of their author.

I speak from personal experience as an ambitious human whose nature is without doubt on the extreme end of perfectionism with uncompromising resolve to give my best in every area of my life. This energy, this force of nature (you might call it) has certainly given me uncompromising commitment to meet challenges and manage seemingly impossible obstacles, both personally and professionally. It could be summed up as effort reaps rewards. But what is less often highlighted, even to oneself, is at what cost – that is until the mind and the body says enough!!

I suffered a mental crash, as I prefer to refer to it back in 2015. Actually, I had no idea this was happening until the left side of my body totally seized. Looking back, there were many warning signs but I was oblivious to them. Major surgery later followed as still not getting the message a tumour was diagnosed – now I had to listen, well I thought so but clearly not. In 2021 I was diagnosed with a very large meningioma, a form of brain surgery. Despite the skills of my fantastic neurosurgeon, not all of it could be removed due to its location. Almost as if my body was saying, “I’m not convinced you’ve got the message so I’m just going hang on in there”.  It’s enthusiasm to regrow prematurely has clearly demonstrated a message as next week I start radiotherapy before it starts reaping more havoc.

By learning from the past, we have the opportunity to gain wisdom that will enrich our todays and tomorrows. Have I finally got the message that I can with confidence and determination set my new year’s resolution, to take better care of my mental and physical health, to ease my workaholic excessive nature – in all honesty I would say it is work in progress.

But striving to be mindful at the start of each the 365 days of the year and even every minute of every day with determination, dedication and a large dose of resilience – that’s a resolution I feel is within my realm of possibilities and an empowering way for each one of us as we start a new year and a new day.  

[all-things-clarinet]

Courage to be a nobody

As the year of seclusion comes to a close

I look at the future though nobody knows

What will be the reality when this year of isolation comes to an end.

 A new month, a new year, a new day all are the same for me

Coming face-to-face with my demons ready to strip me bare

Of any of the conquests from which I hoped to dare

That I was in the eyes of myself and the world – a somebody.

 Setting goals from agendas at my desk or my instrumental training chair,

Working to fulfil my potential in all I strive to create,

Feeling the responsibility to fulfil my potential in all I strive to create,

Not wanting to squander

The gifts we all have, while some might wonder

What gifts do I have?

 Ambition comes at a price

To be willing to fail to fall through the ice

Which we all traverse.

 As fragile as the ice we traverse

Are the gifts we all have but which we must unearth

Those gifts,

For their existence is without doubt

It is our perception of what we see as gifts

must be a part of our striving for the spirit to lift

Our fragile selves.

 To be aware, to be awake, to notice, to recognise

Like a tiny light, the smallest seed

Of our capability.

 The risk to the self, to endure failures and taunting

The feeling that pervades with a sickly haunting

 Which are not so evident for me when at my desk

business numbs my senses.

Or when instrument in hand I’m totally consumed by a purpose.

 But today is Saturday, my day of rest, a curfew imposed from above

When I am stripped bare from all but myself, no props no distractions

 It is only the willingness to accept and face

My demons who lie in wait like an unpacked case

 Do I run to my business desk?

Do I run to my music training chair?

Do I run to the props of self-credibility?

Have I got the courage to just be me?

Am I enough just in being me…?

 After a year of isolation, reality and truth

Running is no longer an option.

 Whether at my desk or on my playing chair

These are part of what I do but not who I am

A separation which I have spent a lifetime, avoiding the stare

No more hiding behind what I do

To find the courage to be who I am.

 Status is the world view to be important and grand

Of the world’s fickle view which we’ve taken by the hand

Is an insatiable thirst which can never be satisfied.   

Authenticity while raw and bland

Is so much better than walking on sand.

 Honesty has become the core of my being

With wavering courage and support to face demons

Often shaking me to the core along with my feelings

But if I am to find a certain healing

I must strive to be the best somebody by being a nobody

 September 9th 2022

[all-things-clarinet]

A bench...

A bench lovingly placed, carefully positioned, baring the inscription to immortalise a name

A bench lovingly placed with the name of a person ‘lest they forget’ yet for those who have no knowledge, no personal memory, the name is but a name, a memory belonging to another

A bench lovingly placed, a dedication, a symbol, a reminder, a shrine so a person, family member ‘lest we forget’ they had lived and enjoyed that same place where I now sit

A bench lovingly placed, yet am I, a perfect stranger, defiling that bench which carries a loving dedication when I am in the grip of bitter thoughts

A bench lovingly placed has become my refuge from a life that has become a war zone of emotions, a world and a life I no longer recognise as my own

A bench lovingly placed has become my new home from which I consider whether there is a future I can live with purpose or usefulness, can in any way emulate that loving mother, grandmother whose inscription has been inscribed within a brass plaque

A bench lovingly placed which has now become my refuge, by its location to that place which has become my only source of human safety

A bench lovingly placed where far from its being a place for quiet reflection has become a battleground where demons and distorted thoughts twist reality into a tangle of barbed wire

A bench lovingly placed where I sit with my heart fighting for its life while people silently walk by, carrying on with their lives unaware of my presence

A bench lovingly placed on which I have fled to, day and night, night into day and day into night as a refuge from myself and self-harm

A bench lovingly placed, yet one day I chose the grass with a broad tree behind me to support my back but perhaps wanting its strength, rooting me to the spot not wanting to move hour upon hour

On a bench lovingly placed I had sat for many hours without attracting any attention or concerns yet now seated on the grass with the tree supporting me, unknowingly I had aroused many to elicit the park keeper to come and ask “are you ok?”

Over the many weeks, months and years I had sort the safety of a bench lovingly placed where I bothered no one and no one was bothered by me. I can’t even remember my response and whether my voice or my age I was left, although with some hesitation, the low hanging cloud even visible to them

A bench lovingly placed was not always in the place I needed it to be, close to that human whose place of safety where over six years I would run

A bench lovingly placed was replaced by a wall where I once sat lost in an emotional turmoil contained in my head unaware that the weight had blown my head over into my lap attracting the attention of strangers to ask with concern “are you ok?”- the kindness of strangers but where to begin…!

A bench lovingly placed, a place of refuge and safety but once I chose a bridge on a return journey to gather my thoughts while choosing a train which would delay leaving that place of human safety. But my face clearly showed another intention prompting a concerned woman to ask “are you ok?” although implicating what I had not even dared to admit to myself, “you’re not considering…? “

A bench lovingly placed a long way from where I once lived, positioned in a peaceful setting within a small village I now live with an inscription to the memory of a person I will never know but who I thank for their generosity of a bench lovingly placed upon which I might find some tranquillity

Victoria Samek - April 18th, 2022

[all-things-clarinet]

Carbon Footprint

Integrity is our carbon footprint through life, to realise in our thoughts, the words we speak, the actions which follow and the notes we play, each placed always with the greatest care.

Striving with determination and integrity in all our endeavours whether personal or professional, ensuring our carbon footprint contributes to a more tolerant, kinder and creative world in 2020.

[all-things-clarinet]

Intonation – A Moral for Life

What do intonation and politics have in common in what should be their fundamental objective and of highest importance?  Not being right but being in tune. Surely that must be our moral for life. Shana Tova!

[all-things-clarinet]

Working With-Resistance

Working with resistance can be a force empowering us with perseverance and determination to fulfil a task or goal, elevating us to great heights. Like a pilot using a strong headwind for faster take-off and the ongoing resistance in balancing the additional forces of drag, thrust and gravity to maintain speed and height. Conversely, working against resistance and not to recognise and expose the existence of resistance, can subtly manipulate us with persuasive emotional arguments sapping our strength and motivation throwing us off balance to the very depths of despair and inaction.  

Resistance can feel like pushing against a head-wind, sometimes of immense proportions, exposing the very core of ourselves and our vulnerabilities, pushing our self-belief to the limits and with the fear of failure damaging our self-image and self-credibility.  Working with resistance can be a force of nature that we can harness as a tool to provoke honest self-interrogation. It comes down to purpose, desire and conviction; Purpose or motive in the clarity of the task or goal which has been identified which will not buckle under pressure and will withstand scrutiny from robust interrogation. Desire in the acquisition of the task or goal alongside the achievement and accomplishment which will surely and rightfully follow, and justifiably so! Through the pathway from purpose and desire, Conviction is the psychological force which will ensure strength of immense proportions and unwavering commitment. True conviction will result from systematic and analytical approach. It is a process, not determined by time but by thoroughness. Having conviction has resulted in acts of great bravery, sometimes prompted in a split second of decision making. Conversely conviction can extend over a period of time through small determined steps. Either way, purpose and desire must precede conviction with our unfaltering perseverance to succeed.  

Expose and disclose is the first step in the pathway for resistance to be used as a force for self-awareness, self-enquiry. With greater wisdom to understand resistance’s effects, a more measured and managed approach will follow, interpreting resistance as not a reason to give up or that we are not up to the task, but a cause for self-exploration and investigation to hone our analytical skills for positive gain. To stay objective and not succumb to emotional bias is a task in itself, as the desire to achieve and conversely not to fail, adds additional pressure for a positive outcome. But if we work against resistance, it can become a battle ground from which there can be no winners. Like a strong biting wind pushing against our bodies doing its utmost to throw us off balance. Increasing mental strength is comparable to physical fitness; push too hard and risk almost certain injury and strain, not enough and we will never realise our potential of our true capability. It is about balancing ambition and desire with a reasonable attitude.  

It is often said that ‘the answer lies in the question’. This can in the heat of a moment or said at the wrong moment to someone in the grip of a struggle with resistance, set the smouldering flames alight.  Only the strength from determination in pursuit of a clear motive or goal alongside a swift reminder of the consequences should we give in to resistance, can push through the resistance barrier connecting us with self-belief in our ability to succeed. In a real sense, we have to be our own cheer leader shouting positive words of encouragement.  

Pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone is a concept that has been present throughout my professional as well as personal life. There is hardly a day when I do not feel resistance to certain tasks, often attributed to some fear or failure exposing vulnerability and my perfectionism issues which have to be managed extremely carefully. Yet if I hit resistance waking up at 4.30am to write before my early morning daily swim or reducing my target of lengths in the swim itself, do I use it as a reason to stop? What would be the consequences of giving in? Believe me, in the heat of my intensive swim, reasoning becomes a sharp tool provoking tough self-talk. Giving up quickly dissolves into the chlorine filled water. But very occasionally an acceptable compromise to my fixed lengths is negotiated if the reason is clearly justifiable, such as enabling me to fit in my scales and warmups if I have heavy commitments for the rest of the day. Conversely if I am using swimming, running or indeed some other task as a decoy or excuse not to complete a pressing or challenging task where fear of failure or doubt in my abilities creating heavy resistance generating despondency, I will hold myself accountable to investigate root cause; exposure disclosure! People have often remarked on my incredible energy and strength, sometimes even seeing me in some way superhuman. While I am absolutely not (believe me!), does it not give them an excuse to negate their responsibility to themselves and their potential, by using the superhuman or the talent argument. How do they know if they’ve never tried?    

Working with resistance will ultimately change victim into victor. This surely must be our most prized reward in life’s journey to work tirelessly in striving to be the very best version of ourselves.

[all-things-clarinet]

Observation by immersion - a qualitative form of research!

I did not realise what I was going through three years ago and nobody, not even my trusted holistic therapist would spell it out for me, being more concerned to keep me safe from myself. It was a year or so later when someone (I can’t even remember who), probably my brave sister, referred to what had happened as a mental breakdown. This was followed by a physical immune system breakdown which is a textbook physical response, as I was to discover in a research essay within my Performance Science Masters I was doing at the time. Whether I felt embarrassed or simply could not identify with the term ‘mental breakdown’, I preferred and felt ‘mental crash’ described more appropriately what had happened to me.

In the course of my writing Organise-Prioritise-Commit; The Definitive Method for Performance, to which I am currently deep in yet another re-write and re-edit, I wanted to explore the generic difference between Attention and Focus. For those interested, hugely subtle which has supported how I had wanted to differentiate the two within the practical engagement of OPC. With attention and focus being connected to concentration as topics on the internet and the problems which can impair their functioning capability, I found myself reading about ‘High Functioning Anxiety’. I am currently promoting the importance of identification and labels to increase understanding and efficiency in the context of practice and performance. But reading the descriptive of ‘High Functioning Anxiety’, quite honestly I’m not sure I wanted to give what I clearly have, a name.  While there were some descriptions, like alcohol dependency or eager to please (which I’m happy to say was certainly one of mine, but not anymore) which at least I could dismiss, but there were some additional traits which were not mentioned, importance of realising my potential in the service of others) and eating or perhaps I should say, lack of eating being just two!

Actually it is fair to say that I felt quite shaken by what I read. The accuracy of the descriptive being a recognised form of anxiety and identifying with its effects on me and the way I function; that there was a name for what I had just embraced as me! It even exposes the positives, my industrious working habits, my ‘over analytical thinking’, my compulsive desire for order, a certain tidiness agendas and lists. Annoyingly it even goes on to describe how many HFA bods like me can be very unwilling to deal responsibly and take some deliberate action, for fear of losing the advantages which it so clearly gives us. Yup – that’s me! It’s perhaps like having a deformity, but one which has afforded me the capability an analytical awareness which I believe within performance and with a performer’s perspective, goes to a depth rarely exposed in an open, honest and constructive way. High Functioning Anxiety does not afford me rights or privileges, but it does give me an understanding of what I’m actually dealing with. Labels give an identity and clarity to know what we are dealing with and how best to manage and work with our vulnerabilities which can be illusive and remain hidden within the very fabric of our character traits. Exposure takes courage, commitment and indeed motivation to be a healthier version of ourselves from which our life goals, ambitions and indeed relationships both with ourselves and others, can only benefit.   Identification is not the cure when working with the multi-forms of anxiety associated to performance, but it is a solid starting point. Whether on stage, audition, interview, sales pitch or even written exam, knowledge and understanding will propagate a healthy, honest and balanced attitude creating an environment in which to accomplish excellence in performance as well as life itself.

[all-things-clarinet]

The future in the Now....

I believe there is not a human walking this earth who has not at some point in their lives been curious to see into the future. Some might have even considered what in my humble opinion I would call dubious means; seeing a fortune teller, reading daily horoscopes or other means proffered from alternative sources, to seek an answer to the question – “what does my future look like?”

If someone would have told me three years ago what would happen to me over the next three years and the position I would be in now, I would not have believed them. However credible or qualified they were or how convincingly they spoke, the reality of my Now would have been inconceivable and unimaginable three years ago. A mental crash (as I prefer to call it), provoking physical illness needing major surgery, followed by a long recovery irrevocably changed my perspective on life.

So what is this fascination about seeing into the future and why does the future impact so strongly on the Now? This has quite literally kept me up at night and up until only very recently, made me realise how much I have lived every aspect of my Now in the context of my future. So what happens when the future becomes less clear? Even if we have a clear vision, ideal or goal, how sure can we be that intention and desire will be rewarded with certainty?

The future spreads its powerful rays silently, like the climate we live in, often unacknowledged but pervading and colouring our Now, impacting on our behaviour, attitude, health and wellbeing. However secure, under control or certain the future might be perceived; or conversely, that the future looks confused like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle without a picture, the only thing which can be said with certainty is that the future IS illusive and totally unpredictable.

The challenge is therefore about recalibrating an attitude with deliberate effort, to develop the ability to live and work in the Now, not relying on natural intuition to make this adjustment. Irrespective of a climate of unpredictability it is about learning to relinquish our need for control of the future.  The Future might threaten our stability, but to acknowledge its influence pervading our Now is a starting point from which to take back positive control of our Now.

In the end it is about finding a balance in which our hopes for the future do not obliterate our ability to live in the Now. Trusting in the investment of our commitment, effort and striving in the Now to propagate, the realisations of our goals, desires, hopes and even dreams through adopting a flexible and healthy attitude in our relationship to the future. But also being self-aware and allow time for self-reflective contemplation which will in turn reveal the achievements realised in the Now to shine through.    

I am learning to realise it is my investment and commitment in the Now which will ultimately lead me to a future, unhindered by my imposing control restricting new possibilities.  

We might not have the imagination or indeed best understanding or knowledge in the Now to create a clear picture of the future, therefore rather to trust the Now from which our future might just be an unimaginable surprise.  

The future is only a tiny step in front of the Now, so easily we can overlook the tiny sparks in human sensitivity and responsiveness, the pearls of beauty in our world which exist in the Now can go undetected; a tragic loss of a rich resource to enhance our self-worth and enrich our sense of fulfilment in all we strive to do in the Now and the future.  

In celebrating Jewish New Year, I wish you all a healthy and sweet New Year or simply the opportunity for new beginnings each day.  L’Shanah Tovah!

[all-things-clarinet]

Attachments and Relatedness…

We all form attachments throughout our lives, it is an intrinsic part of human nature. Ryan and Deci in their theory entitled The Self Determination Theory, when referring to three fundamental needs of humans; Relatedness is one of the three along with Competence and Autonomy. These I’ll refer to   in further blogs for sure.

This week I have to face the fact that my holistic therapist is going on holiday for five weeks. His treatment has supported me for the last three years. Treatment started with the onset of illness in August 2015 and throughout some of the darkest months which followed both physically and mentally. His treatment continued post-surgery and gave me the initial push to get the clarinet out after 10 weeks bed rest when I did not know whether I would be able to play again. His skilled treatment and sensitivity to my physical wellbeing, with my body having taken a hit from everything, he also helps me to manage my mental anguish. This all combined contributes to make him an important figure. I refer to my life as before and after. In these ‘after’ subsequent three years, my perspective on life is very different which has in turn significantly altered the direction of both my professional and personal life. The old life simply does not fit anymore.

But attachments can be tricky to manage. So I am facing the last session this  week and I am filled with dread. No amount of reasoning at this moment is helping to quell the rock sitting in the pit of my stomach and the upset clouding my thoughts. There is no arguing with human science, relatedness is as important to humans as water or sunlight is to plants. Relatedness could be seen as our attachment and connection in our relationship to people or indeed relationship to the places we live and the activities we do. These are the anchors on which we manage ourselves emotionally through our lives. From performance preparation through to performance realisation, anchors in the process of learning are immensely important. I would refer to those anchors as methods and systems; routines and rituals, which I would certainly imagine as in some way consciously or sub-consciously part of everyone’s lives. From my daily early morning 100 length swim (trust me, no better way to start the day!) my weekend running (I’ve become a bit of a fitness freak), to my clarinet and sax warmup routines along with my writing and business commitments as I develop Samek Music. They are part of the fabric of my daily life; a form of relatedness, helping to anchor me as a person and give me a sense of stability as I face uncertainties. Attachment to structure needs to be managed and allow for some flexibility; like when swimming did not open at 6 am when the duty manager overslept, as happened the other week! This is where accommodation and coping comes into the equation. While I view accommodation as potentially a healthy form of flexibility (though I have to admit I’m not always very good at it, being somewhat uncompromising in nature!), I view coping mechanisms as a more short-term fix. In writing this, I am not decrying the importance of coping mechanisms, which with careful and thorough interrogations could develop into long-term healthy and reliable systems. But coping mechanisms can be a reactive response, generating less than healthy behaviour; comparable to a human shield, a barrier in effect, hiding true feelings and the ability to be honest to ourselves and those around us.

As I face five weeks without the support of my holistic therapist, life must go on. I have much work to do and music to learn and through all this I also need to manage myself emotionally and be a reasonable human-being to those around me. Knowing my psychological fragility I am super aware that it is from flexibility and accommodation, not coping that I will manage myself through this summer. Also with my natural propensity to retreat when I face some form of loss and my balance is under threat, that attachments and relatedness like water and sunlight exist if we only know to look and in my case to reach out to those around me, who I must also learn to trust.          

[all-things-clarinet]

In pursuit of knowledge...

True wisdom reflects the understanding that for any subject, topic or activity, there is always room for more knowledge than we currently have. 

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Musical Partnerships...

To my mind, some of the greatest joys of my playing career have been the rich relationships which I have enjoyed with my duo partners; the pianists with whom I have formulated interpretations of some of the greatest repertoire. The trust, intimacy, understanding and empathy which are derived from such a partnership are in my opinion unmatched.

2018 marks the 40th anniversary of me meeting my first professional duo partner, the pianist Julius Drake, whom I met while we were both students at the Royal College of Music. For our first performance as a duo we performed the Alwyn Sonata, a great work whose musical and technical challenges cemented our relationship.

We made our debut to critical acclaim at the Purcell Room on the South Bank and went on to perform extensively together over a period of seventeen years, not only in formal recitals but also BBC broadcasts and as a duo in the very new and inspirational community scheme ‘Live Music Now’.

For our recording debut, we chose the Copland Sonata World Premiere with music by ‘Les Six’, the CD which launched Clarinet Classics.

Anyone who has come under my tutorage will know that I ban the word ‘accompanist’ because I see the term as totally derogatory and not reflecting the importance of the pianist’s role and thereby denying the player potentially one of the most fulfilling professional relationships they could ever have.

While Julius and I have long since stopped playing together, we still enjoy a deep bond of friendship and recognition that we both learned a lot from each other – from that day to this I have never played with, or allowed a student of mine to play with, the lid of a grand piano on less than the half stick!

[all-things-clarinet]

New Year Reflections…

Until I met some of my early morning swimming friends this morning who admitted to similar if not such extreme feelings, I felt rather at odds with the Happy New Year theme which has pervaded the last 72 hours.  For me this reached intensity on December 31st when the weight of festive obligation mixed with my intense reluctance to participate in the New Year fervour resulted in my having to take to my bed with a burning headache. Having tasked myself to practice or at the very least to do my warmup, my despondency and indifference to my inner rallying voice which normally is enough to push me into action added to my misery. It was only my clock management (an old a trusting trick of mine), that forced me into the music room to lick some reeds and get the warmup completed.

In my last two difficult years I have been training myself always to strive in pursuit of goals but not to expect. The only place for expectation is in a daily personal which in my case is the warmup and practice session. This is for me the one place where my investment and commitment in a well-managed warmup will be rewarded and expectations realised. The warmup could equally be replaced with a writing project, a blog, writing a diary or some other creative or even culinary activity which is totally yours and relies on no one else. It is from this that fulfilment and self-affirmation can generate resilience, purpose and a sense of determination for the challenges which life will inevitably throw our way. Complicit behaviour expected for the New Year festivities even for someone as single minded and obstinate as me caused severe turmoil. Indifference was the result; a feeling so totally at odds with my normal pattern of behaviour.  

On Sundays swimming my lengths in the later lanes only session, knowing that my daily swim always clears my head and helps my inner balance, I was able to reflect more objectively why this New Year was causing my dark mood. The root cause revealed itself as fear of disappointment and failed expectations. It was also my issue with the word ‘happy’ which seems to prefix the New Year greeting. Surely it is about fulfilment and sense of self-worth from which each individual will feel more kindly towards themselves and the people around them, not just within the hype of New Year festivities but every day.  

While there is always a place for optimism and always extending our capabilities, being realistic to New Year expectations offers a potentially more grounded and secure approach in which to manage personal aspirations.  But rather than feeling that only a new year carries promise, how about looking to each day as a new beginning from which to set and redefine life and work goals. Therefore would not a warm smile and a greeting of ‘good morning’ to strangers you might meet on your morning journey not give a positive boost to you and the recipient?  I don’t meet that many people at 5.42am on my walk to swimming, but on my way back as I walk through the park, I’ve often greeted and been the recipient of a morning greetings, not in the fervour of festivities but on ordinary mornings. Even when the body is cold and the spirit a little despondent, that small spark of caring one human to another. What better way to start each day from which to fuel daily goals and aspirations.  

[all-things-clarinet]

The Spoken word...

Words are the window through which lies intention. While we want the words to fully reflect that intention, there is yet another layer; empathy and understanding. That is the treasure, a natural resource the rarity of a precious jewel, the purity of a mountain spring which carries the true meaning, spoken one to another.

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Beware of populist phrases!

‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’, is both one of the most over used as well as damaging phrases populated as a fix all response to high stress situations.  If the same phrase was applied to physical pain, without a careful scrutiny and evaluation of the potential harm and consequences, its value would be more appropriately seen as deeply flawed. Anybody who knows me, even slightly knows that I do not give in to fear. However behind the fear lies a cause. In the physical sense there might be postural adjustment or a muscle strain which needs treatment or resting to avoid further damage or worse! In the same way psychological fear also has a cause, to which a careful enquiry might reveal a way from which a mental repositioning along with psychological adjustment and understanding might enable the fear to be downgraded to high-pressure.

 High-pressure and responsibility is an inevitable part and consequence of performance which cannot be denied. But if there is some practical cause behind the fear; for example task anxiety undermining overall confidence. Exposing the task(s), exploring potential cause and then implementing a strategic approach will ensure a more robust response to the pressured environment of performance. If the fear potentially stems from a psychological cause, trait anxiety (anxiety being an intrinsic part of your nature) or state anxiety (an anxious response to the particular event or performance situations in general), an enquiry will enable you to apply rational reasoning giving the opportunity to explore a responsible strategy. This could be moving your attention from the audience or possibly a particular person or persons in the audience to someone (either in the audience or not) to whom you would prefer to dedicate your performance. It might be that the motive behind your performance is the music itself to which your dedication and attention is committed.  Before I go on to play, my personal affirmation is ‘I am here for the music’.

  But most importantly, performance or indeed any pressured situation should not be in a spirit of fear, as fear can cause so much damage. Physically, through muscle, postural (and for wind players) aural-facial tension and psychologically, compromising imagination and intuition. Fear has a cause; cause has a reason; reasoning promotes solutions; solutions promote clarity and commitment giving the potential to responsibly understanding our fears. Not as catchy as the original version, but less damaging and certainly more powerful in working and managing ourselves in the face of high-pressure and demanding situations and so doing, ever expanding ourselves and our potential in our journey through life.    

[all-things-clarinet]

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View from Royal London Hospital waiting room...

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Interpretation...

Every six months I undergo a routine check-up at the Royal London Hospital. Following major surgery in February 2016, for the next three years they will monitor that the borderline tumour cells which were removed along with several organs and a crazy sized cyst, have not returned. While this might on the face of it seem like an anxious time, my approach to each of these visits has been pretty sanguine. It therefore took me by surprise that having left home with an undisturbed attitude, on entering the hospital there was a sharp change in my mood.  Perhaps I thought I could fool myself in my attitude to these appointments but walking into the hospital had provoked a more honest reaction; a logical interpretation.  With time to reflect why this sudden change in my mood and what was at the route of this black cloud which was descending as fast as the express lift was taking me skyward, I set to work on interrogating myself.  

Was it death I feared, on being told that cancer cells had developed and were spreading and that my survival was under question? While the reality of such appointments is to be prepared for such news, this I knew was not the underlying cause. Having faced this possibility that I would not survive surgery, I had already been in this position. The severity of this possibility had prior to the surgery, prompted me to tidy up my affairs, make sure everything was in order, important files and documents clearly accessible. While making my farewells to my children would have put them through unacceptable additional trauma, I did send a farewell email to my holistic therapist who had supported me physically and mentally through some of the most difficult months I’d endured prior to surgery. This was therefore clear evidence that facing death was not new for me and therefore not the cause of my sudden change of mood.

In this state of reflection and confusion and while trying to find some reasoning and clarity as I looked out over the panoramic view across London from the hospital waiting room, my name was called. In seeing someone different each appointment, there are always the standard exploratory questions while the specialist frantically establishes an understanding of the patient and their situation.  As she started to personalise her questions more appropriately towards me, I shared with her the change of mood I had felt on entering the building to which I could not seem to appropriate a genuine cause. With unusual openness the specialist proceeded to recount a personal situation she had encountered just a few weeks previously.  She had in her professional capacity returned to the affiliated neighbouring hospital of St Barts, where only a few months earlier she had witnessed the final weeks and eventual death her younger brother to cancer.  Despite here return under very different circumstances, she too had been overwhelmed by an unexpected emotional response. She almost questioned whether despite being a temporary placement, she would br able to fulfil those obligations. Such was the force of her emotions.

With a sense of objective clarity and a certain forward attitude, I referred her to the nervous system which I had learned about in my research during my Performance Science Masters; most particularly the role of the Hippocampus, responsible for the memory of places and events alongside the Amygdala which gives the emotional contextual colouring.  It was only then and with a fresh perspective I was suddenly in a position to re-evaluate my own situation.

For some reason this particular visit had brought back the memory where severe physical and mental trauma had taken place and with it the pain of past events. In my case not only the physical pain, complete lack of human dignity, mobility and vulnerability which goes with major surgery. It was not even the complicated weeks of recovery and setbacks along with the worry of whether I would play again. It was the mental trauma which I had gone through both before and after surgery.  I thought I had made incremental steps towards a more balanced and stable attitude. This visit had provoked a reaction and my resulting fear had fanned the flames to interpret any progress as false. Comparable to being lost in the wilderness and then finding a pathway which I thought will lead to safety. With a determined step walk all day (or in my case eighteen months), only to find I’ve been walking in circles and am back where I started. This was a major blow and what I had felt was crushing disappointment, humiliation and a total loss of motivation.  With an objective clarity, I was able to reinterpret the cause that had threatened to undermine my sense of reason in evaluating my progress.  That was simply the very physical response prompted by the Hippocampus and Amygdala which had taken me by surprise, in the same way that before or even during a performance, less experienced performers will often be shocked by the changes to their physical condition.

Interpretation is fundamental in driving our motivation to keep striving forward. The process of interpretation cannot be either hurried or indeed passed over in pursuit of securing a quick solution to a question, task or goal. Interpretation is part of the building blocks whether in practice or personally. It could be compared to finding the correct piece in a jigsaw puzzle. Two pieces might look very similar, but only one piece will fit with exact precision. If the picture slightly changes, our response must adjust accordingly in our reselection of the piece within the jigsaw puzzle.

Taking time to interpret might seemingly take us away from reaching our goals quickly and efficiently. But there is another word and that is thoroughness. From thoroughness comes a robust conviction and understanding, essential to withstand pressured environments. Whether in performance or in life itself, interpretation is the key to understanding and gives both a tool (method) and determination (motivation) from which to strive in pursuit of excellence in all we do.

[all-things-clarinet]

Gervase de Peyer

Yesterday I attended the most beautiful, moving and inspirational memorial service to honour the life of Gervase de Peyer who died last Thursday, February 3rd. An ikon of the 20th century, whose playing and musicianship influenced and inspired a generation of clarinet players. His recording of the Brahms Sonatas was pivotal in my development as a young player, particularly is warm, rich, beautiful sound. I also had the great privilege of spending time with Gervase and his wife Katia some years ago when he agreed to being a guest artist at a clarinet and saxophone day I was organising. I just bitterly regret that time slipped away and my intention to visit them both never materialised. Do we give the same acknowledgment, appreciation and recognition to players who live amongst us? Perhaps the question which should be asked is the perception honours an artist with the title of player, composer, writer, painter or actor of distinction? In our age where so many peripheral considerations – looks, individuality, and exposure can so easily influence profound judgment, let’s get back to what is really important in our individual fields.

Some would say that it is difficult to separate the player from the person. Some might say that they are inseparable. I do not believe this to be the case if we consider what is central to our artistry. Technical proficiency, musical integrity, disciplined accuracy, fluency alongside intuitive sensitivity and a total commitment to excellence.  

Gervase de Peyer was a great player whose eminence also contributed to elevating the clarinet to a higher place of distinction as a solo and chamber instrument. His name will live on for generations to come through his recordings which we had the great pleasure to hear during the service. His sound, his vibrato, his musicianship!!! It reminded me once again why I love the clarinet.