#sanghelios unsolved

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Thel 'Vadamee taunting some marines who insulted how Sangheili look during battle.

Thel 'Vadamee: I'm "STRANGE". And "off-putting".

Thel, getting into one guys face: I should not feel confident in the face of any "man".

Rtas 'Vadumee: Yet here you are. Smiling in the face of the demons.

Thel, smirking: Because I've triumphed,

Thel: ONCE AGAIN!

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Thel 'Vadamee taunting returns

Thel 'Vadamee @ enemy humans: Shoot me, asshole! Make me bleed!

Rtas 'Vadumee: Supreme Commander 'Vadamee is back!

Thel: Give me internal bleeding, make me *shit blood*.

Rtas: Oh, he's getting medical.

Thel: Latch yourself onto my back, come back to Sanghelios with me, and destroy the lives of all my friends and clan!

Rtas: Little hard to follow, but I like your spirit.

Thel: Rtas's family has a little pet-

Rtas: *stuttering* Hey!

Thel: What? I'm giving it my all!

Rtas: *Insults!* Not personal information! You're giving them a dossier on my life!

ONI agents, probably also Locke, taking notes in the background:

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Fun fact: human spaceships and Covenant spaceships place their bridges in different spots of the craft.

Thel: This control room looks fucking stupid right at the tip of the ship.

Rtas: Actually, I think it looks rather nice, I like what you've done with the place, really sets the ship right.

Thel: Oh, we disagree.

(honestly it works better in reverse, but I refuse to cast Thel as Ryan and Rtas as Shane, that is not how this works)

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Thel discovers puns, to the horror of humanity.

Thel, after a human innocently asks about Sangheili noses and sense of smell: I can't smell you, Helen.

Thel: Or if I'm just a little stuffy right now, I can always...smell you later.

Rtas:

Helen:

Other humans:

Thel: *wheezing* ...smell you later.

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When the taunting goes too far.

*during the Great Schism, Thel and Rtas fight some Jiralhanae*

Thel: *points to some rings of light* If you touch that, you'll go on the Great Journey.

Rtas: *turning to him* Alright, that's going a little too far.

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This is less of an incorrect Halo quotes and more of a Halo AU imagine, but screw it I’ll put it here and not on my main.

Ok so at this point it’s pretty much official that I’ve created the Sanghelios Unsolved AU - which is basically Buzzfeed Unsolved but Thel ‘Vadam is Shane and Rtas ‘Vadum is Ryan and most all episodes are recontextualized as them interacting with humanity. (think it needs a different name, tho?)

Anyway. So the Goatman Bridge episode. I have been trying since the first wave of “incorrect Halo quotes, source: buzzfeed unsolved” posts to make it work as a post. But it’s not enough to just put it into a dialogue post. It’s not enough to split it into parts. Hence this unconventional post.

(also if you haven’t seen at least that episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved, I suggest you do at least after reading this so you can better appreciate the joke and scenario)

So imagine that it’s post-war. Sangheili and humans have a rough alliance, but they generally respect boundaries. Until an ONI ship is caught in Sangheili space.

Thel and Rtas go to interrogate and intimidate the fools who dare trespass, although they’re nice enough to have the meeting on the bridge.

However, Thel gets so into intimidating the captain of the ship, that he full on declares that this is his bridge now and the crew will take his orders and from now on people will tell tales of him commanding the ship.

Rtas is lowkey horrified that Thel’s gone this far and tries to calm him down and restore order. But after some time has passed, he just decides, “fuck it, our bridge now”.

Bonus: some of the human crew decide to just let it happen and start following their commands, calling them captain, etc.