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tout dans la lumière désormais corrompt ma légèreté ; je suis porté par ton départ comme un corps flotté vers un monde que je ne connais pas, ce monde sans toi qui s’ouvre chaque jour, chaque heure un peu plus dans un sentiment d’espoir inversé ; mon corps flottant sans direction sur cette impression perpétuelle ; l’inconnu est une frayeur difficile à dompter
© Pierre Cressant
(mercredi 9 novembre 2022)
♡~♡~♡~♡
07.10.2020
Dear Tommy,
My co-worker’s mother passed day before yesterday. We were in the office when she received the news. Despite the fact that she probably doesn’t really like me very much, I held her while she was crying and it was tough to hold back tears during the chaos. Sometimes I feel that I am quite selfish and perhaps that is what I am being punished for. She was crying for her mother and there I was, thinking of you. I wasn’t crying because I felt bad for her (I did but that’s not the point) it was also because it triggered my own pain, the pain of losing you. When I phoned down to the reception later, I could hardly speak on the phone.
Yesterday I thought that it would be wise if I were to suggest to my mother if she had prepared a plan for the boy after she passes. In retrospect, it was a wise decision that I didn’t go through with this plan. We were speaking of the people dying and I told her that if my grandmother passed away, we wouldn’t be able to go visit her in Pakistan because of the quarantine. She said ‘’You have become very cold hearted’’ & ‘’How could you even think of his death, even if he’s not a good father or husband, even I never thought about it’’. This reaction was a response to the fact that she misread- I had written grandmother but the word I used in my language sounds similar to ‘’daddy’’ (and by the way, I never call my dad ‘’daddy’’, only dad). But the point is- she called me cold hearted. COLD HEARTED? Oh god. Can you believe? Tommy, me? Cold hearted? God. And it hurt me a lot and I cried. In the cafeteria. In front of everyone. It really hurt me that I was accused of having a cold heart because I was ‘’thinking about death’’.
To be fair, since you died, I think about death a lot. I think about yours, I think about mine, I think about everyone’s death. I think about it a lot. Is it so unnatural for me to think about death? No. I just lost someone I loved a lot. But I think my mother doesn’t understand this. Because I was not your official girlfriend and wife therefore my pain is considered ‘’invalid’’. Like, it’s something that doesn’t count because our relationship was not officially recognized.
‘’Think we don’t get you? I don’t get you. But I love you. I love you’’. That’s said by Louis’s mom in Juste La Fin Du Monde. My mother and I are not close. She might think so but she doesn’t know me as a person. Actually, I think she doesn’t know me at all. She thinks I am mean. Several times, she would tell me- you are so mean, you are so rude- if I tell her I don’t want to talk to people who have hurt me. Is that really being mean? At best, she has ideas. Ideas about how I am, what I want, what I should do with my life.
No one understands me. No one. Where to go? Where to hide? Whom to talk to? What to do?
I miss you.
Sans Toi - Michel Legrand
