Writing To Reach You @pomme2107 - Tumblr Blog

12.01.2021

Dear Tommy,

I went to work late. And when I woke up my first thought was “I’m not dead”. I thought about it, the whole death thing. Do I really want to die? I have these moments when I’m not sure if I want to. I don’t know why. You’re either suicidal or you’re not, right? But there are moments I question if I really want to die. I remember those moments. Like when I was making plans with C when we were coming back home from work that one day. Just before my birthday. And I looked at her and I thought no, I can’t give this up. But it’s only in those moments that I have these thoughts. These are very rare moments.

When I was going to work, I realised that I can’t keep doing this. Do you know that sometimes I just do the main reports at work and do nothing else? I go late so many times. Or I don’t go at all. It reminded me a bit of when you used to call in sick. I knew it was bad for you but now that I’m in it too, I get it. I get it. A two day off weekend is not enough for me. The sleep is not enough. The rest isn’t enough. Is it because I’m looking for something permanent?

I am obsessing about death. I obsess about it all the time. I am sorry but I do. I can’t... nothing makes sense without you, you know? It just doesn’t make sense. The sun doesn’t come up for me. And everyday the pain is just.. I wasn’t obsessing about death in the past few months but since December I don’t know what happened, I just..I just can’t. And you could have saved me. I wanted to tell this to someone. My thoughts, my ideas.. actually, I did yell Polish. But he just said “hey, no dying!”. It’s not his fault. He didn’t realise how serious I was. But if I told you, you would have said something else. You would have told me something I want to hear. You would have told me something to keep me from doing what I want to do. You would have saved me. And I should have saved you. And I had every opportunity to save you. But I didn’t. I didnt. My stupidity. My mistakes that haunt me. My naive nature that is now going to cost me my life.

I can’t explain it but life is so weird without you. The time that I knew you, all that time, all those texts, all those memories.. what was it? Was it a dream? And why? Why did it happen to me? I keep asking myself. We were so well matched. And then you were ripped apart from me. I can’t accept it. If you were an ass, maybe I could have but you were you so I couldn’t. I just can’t. I want to slit my wrists. I want to slit my wrists all the time and I think I have gone mad. And i don’t know if it’s because I’m in love with a ghost or because I am mad.

I would give anything for you to hold my hand again. Anything to see you, to touch you, to hold you.

You’re my everything everything

I love you

#love #t&g #love letters to the dead #love letters to the lost #heartbreak #grief

Hi my sweet

I spent the last two days trying to overdose over a stupid medicine. But somehow I wasn’t able to. I did it yeah? I calculated the dose and everything and I thought okay, this is it. Then nothing.

And in the middle of all this, I realised how bad it is. I don’t want to live. What happened to me? What happened to me? I can’t go on without you. I can’t go on without you in my life. The thing that pisses me off is that I told you this was going to happen but you won’t listen to me. You didn’t wait for me. And now I’m stuck here, fucking up on stupid medicines. If I had the balls, I would stick a knife in my carotid artery but I can’t do that. I just can’t. Does it matter? Does it matter how you die? No and yes. The result is the same, you die at the end. But I think it speaks volumes about the type of person you are. I don’t want to slit my wrists in a hotel bathtub. I might survive and the only thing I would gain out of that is deportation. I’d just like to go, you know? I’d like to drown but for now I don’t think it’s a possibility. I could try..

I am tired all the time. I don’t do anything and yet I am tired all the time. I don’t want to work. When I’m working i am just going through the motions, I don’t really care about any of it. I’m constantly obsessing about ways to die. And I hate this part of me. Or is it all of me? All I can think about is death.

You know what’s comforting? The thought of meeting you. My smile when I’ll see your face. I can’t wait to see you. I can’t wait. And I wish it wasn’t like this, that I would have instead preferred if I was coming to Italy.. but..

I can’t do this. I can’t do this without you.

And I don’t want to do it.

I’m just so tired. I’m so tired of everything. I would just like to sleep.

#love #t&g #love letters to the dead #love letters to the lost #heartbreak #grief

When you’re having a breakdown but still have to go to work

#text #breakdown #sad #suicidal

This is not a coincidence

All these songs I keep hearing

Right?

You’re trying to talk to me right?

I realised things are getting worse when..

I stopped putting on make up. Not that I ever put on too much, but I stopped wearing lipstick even.

I stopped wearing earrings or jewellery and the only things I wear are reminders from Italy.

I stopped cooking. This one was so painful.

I couldn’t go out to grocery shop. Because I gave up cooking but also because I was anxious and now require someone to go with me.

I stopped caring about my skin. It’s dry and I have two pimples on my face (don’t know how) but I don’t give a flying fuck.

I stopped giving a fuck at work.

I couldn’t remember the name of the female protagonist in my favourite book and had to look it up.

When I came home and cried every night.

When I went to the doctor and he didn’t understand me.

When I was obsessing about ways to die.

Everytime I look at a tall building.

Everytime I think about drowning.

I just can’t and I don’t want to

Please let me let me let me get what I want

#love #t&g #things are bad #love letters to the lost #love letters to the dead #heartbreak #grief #anxious

You’re the one you’re the only one

I love you I love you I love you

I love you and only you

#the only thing #only one #the one #love #t&g

05.01.2021

Dear Tommy,

I cannot get out of bed lately. Something happened to me. Something in the last few days of December. It’s like something broke. Was I hoping? Was I hoping for you to come and then realised that I would never see you again? What was I hoping for? Something happened. I feel it. There’s a change in me. I feel an overwhelming sensation of something I can’t describe.

Today, I thought, I can go on. I can change my job because to be frank I can no longer work here. I need change. Everything reminds me of you. Isn’t it funny that everything in my hotel reminds me of you even if you never came here? My boss’s office is the place I went to when you called me that Wednesday. When you called me at work and told me about the call. When I walk down the staircase, I remember receiving a message from you when we first started writing, I read most of your messages or at least the notifications on those stairs. I remember the hallway where I stood with my face in tears on that Wednesday. I remember it all. So if I had to move on, I have to change this place and start a new.

Only I can’t. And I really wish I could. I can’t. I need someone to help me. And I don’t have that someone. You know what? All this crap about love yourself etc.. this is actually true. It is not crap. Because you can’t rely on other people. You shouldn’t. You only have yourself. You can’t rely on other people. All that crap about happiness comes from within, that’s all true. I everyone should strive for it. But I can’t. And I wish I could, but I can’t. I am foolish and so were you. We were wired to believe in foolish things; like love and promises. Do you remember our promises? You remember when you told me that you learned the hard way that promises are made to be broken and they are to some extent against human nature.. and you still wanted me to promise you, cap ou pas cap, the lot of kisses? That’s you. That’s my Tommy. Who says promises are against human nature but still asks me to promise him my kisses. So you see why I can’t do this without you?

Everything I said has come true. When my mother used to talk about marriage, in a very confident way I used to tell her that there are some women who don’t get married and they are perfectly fine. I never actually meant that I didn’t want to get married. I always wanted to. But I said this to her to make it sound like I don’t care about marriage. But I always did. And now, I’m going to die without getting married. And then the whole Meredith thing. When I told you I’m Meredith Grey, it did actually come true, yes? Meredith’s husband died. You were not my husband but you did too. And the whole daddy issues and mommy issues and dark and twisty shit? It’s all happening. The drowning is the only pending part.

I can’t go every day coming home to cry. I can’t go to sleep thinking of you and waking up thinking of you. I can’t keep trying to find you everywhere. I can’t let go.

I wish you were here to save me but you’re not. And some people do need saving. Like me. Like you.

#love #t&g #love letters to the dead #love letters to the lost #heartbreak #grief

wishing-for-deathx

No, he didn’t love me. Yes, it’s not the end of the world. But it was the end of my world. I was always broken, even before I met him. But after him, I shattered into a million pieces.

One can fix a crack but you can’t put back a million pieces together

02.01.21

Dear Tommy,

I can’t go back to reading our conversations. I just can’t. I’ll lose all my strength, the little bit that I have left. I already feel like I am drowning. It would be like rubbing alcohol over a cut. Do you want me to torture myself? Perhaps I want to torture myself..pour te comprends... to understand you? I cannot stop it. I want to stop for a minute and just breathe, without thinking of you, but I can’t, can I? My friend D messaged me yesterday and he was trying to be as polite and helpful as he possibly could. I feel bad for all of them because I understand them. I understand that they love me and it hurts them to see me this way. And that they would probably do what they can possibly think of to help me, to help me heal, to help me breathe. And I’m so sorry but they can’t. If I didn’t love you this much, I’d be pretty pissed with you. Because you couldn’t wait for me.

But I do. I love you so much.

#love #t&g #love letters to the dead #love letters to the lost #heartbreak #grief

01.01.21

Dear Tommy,

I have been wishing everyone a ‘’Happy New Year’’ all day and dying on the inside. Did you know that yesterday my boss asked me three times if I was okay? You know, I think it’s starting to show on my face. Maybe I have become like Syd Barrett after the LSD, you know when the light in his eyes was gone? Has it gone from my eyes too? For sure, you were my light. My light, my moon, sunshine, you are everything. And you will always be. Do you see me? Even while writing this I cannot resist but tell you what you mean to me. I don’t know why I do it, but I can’t resist. I could never resist you. Do you remember?

I have been talking to someone who claimed to practice shamanism. He told me about souls, about what happens when we die, about souls choosing to be reborn and all that. I probably scared him off by asking him too many questions. Can you blame me? I wanted to know if he could reach you for me. I wanted to know if we could talk. I wanted to know how to find you. I want to know how to find you.

Why don’t you give me a sign? Why don’t you try to talk to me? Why don’t you help me? Or do you want me to join you? Why don’t you tell me? Tell me. Show me. And I will do what you want.

I fucked up my report at work today because I am totally incapable of doing anything and it surprises me that I still have a job. I was crying too and I had this moment where I thought that it would be great to video call my brother and be on the loudspeaker with him, crying, so that all of them (his gf and my family) would consider me cuckoo.

It wouldn’t be further from the truth, you know? I feel crazy. I miss you.

Put your hand on mine again, please. I miss it. I miss being with you so much. I want to slit my wrists. I want to slit my wrists. I am lower than the floor. I am so low.

Why did you leave?

I wish we could meet everyday, even for just five minutes. Even if one just for a minute. I wouldn’t let you say anything though. I would hold you, kiss your hands, kiss your eyelids and kiss you. A minute, everyday would be enough. I wouldn’t complain about anything. Ever. Juste a minute with you. Is it too much to ask?

Come back.

Come back, please.

#love #t&g #love letters to the dead #love letters to the lost #heartbreak #grief