You know the silly claim that if you play things backwards, you can hear Satanic messages? If you invert the whole show, you get an entire other story.
The first season, forwards, tells you the story of the apocalypse. But if you look at the flashbacks, it literally does tell you the story of the past, before the creation of the earth.
I have "translated" some of the show already, and boy howdy is it raunchy. So. Many. Sexual. Metaphors. I think the entire show, not just the "paintball war in heaven" can be translated into a story about the past.
This is also the key to figuring out some of the second season, because it tells you all the "missing" information. It does also tell you what the last season is about.
I have not figured out how to translate the whole show yet, there are rules. The past seems to be "inverted"; the present only sometimes is: the war in heaven isn't inverted, for example, but the ending scene at the Ritz is. So far I have the following:
People's names have a meaning, that's who they "metaphorically" are. So if a person's name means "rising star", that's Lucifer. That's who they are in the inverted story.
Tenses get weird. I thought it was past turns into future, future turns into past, but it's not that straightforward. It seems to be that the idea is what's inverted rather than a word for word replacement, ie Eden is creation so it's the future apocalypse; stuff about the ineffables' arrangement is a past "arrangement". So the timeline hops around.
Sometimes I turns into you, we to me; them to us; and vice versa, but not always. I haven't figured out the rules. This is probably more of the "invert the idea" rather than direct translation, but again I haven't figured out the rules.
Lies, sarcasm, and sexual inneundo directly translate: sarcasm in the proper forward show is truth in the inverted version, so it does not change. Sarcasm such as "Is that my fault" stays the same, it doesn't get changed. This is because these are treated as "metaphors", which directly translate: they aren't saying what they mean, so when you invert a "lie", it's the truth in the past. This means a metaphor for fucking in the proper forward show means they were actually fucking in the past. There is. So much sex.
I think anything else gets inverted: "This is happening" gets changed to "This is not happening". Happiness becomes hate. Actions get more complicated. Usually the "idea" of the thing is what should be inverted, not a direct "word for word" translation.
Questions get changed to statements, orders get changed to questions. But not always. I haven't figured out what the rules are.
Below is some of what I have translated so far, that I'm happy with. I did not "force" any of this to work, this really is the natural result. If you try doing this and don't get a natural result, that's how you know something you're assuming about the proper show isn't correct.
Excuse some of the odd spacing, I can't get it to function right. I'm going to put it on ao3 for better readability when I get more done, but ao3 doesn't really work well for feedback and collaboration so I'm starting here. Since things are out of order in the "reverse", I also don't want to put stuff on ao3 until it's done so it's in the right order.
In sum: Jesus and Lucifer fucked a LOT, Angel Crowley was born from that accidentally and he ate one of god's apples, god knew he did that and encouraged it but pretended she didn't. Heaven and Hell are an arrangement between Jesus and Lucifer so that they can shirk work and continue fucking, which nobody knows. Jesus and Lucifer swapped places so that Lucifer is running heaven and Jesus is actually Satan, which also nobody has realized. God literally refers to herself as a demon. I am working on some more but Saraqael and Crowley also did make the horsehead nebula, the flashback we saw in s2 was either a second nebula he made or, more likely, it was altered to be Aziraphale instead of Saraqael. They worked together, I think he kept a secret for her, I think that's why she helped in in s2. I'm not happy with those scenes yet though so I'm not including them here. And yes, god and jesus and co really did create the earth in a big bang. Haven't finished that yet, it's not as straight to translate as these ones.
Because the "new angel" Crowley has "god's knowledge", aka the apple, and there is an angel with that name, I am going to use that name to refer to "angel Crowley": Zaphkiel. But canonically, his name is literally "ineffable", god's name.
Before Eden
Cast:
God: Crawley
Az: Satan
setting: the real show is just before eden on the wall, so this is just before temptation in eden.
Crawley: Satan. Master of Hell.
Satan: Fuck off, snake
Crawley: I’m taking the rope to attack the gates of eden
Satan : Rope? Right. Um... uh... Small, dull, bindy thing. Yes. [LAUGHS ] Uh...Oh, must have, uh...must have put it down here somewhere. Um...Forget my own head next. Too bad.
[I think this means there were no stairs, elevator, or escalators, and "the rope" was all there was to get from hell to earth. It also means that Crowley came up with the idea of tempting Eve, he wasn't ordered to do it as he claimed to Aziraphale on the wall.]
------
Ark
Cast:
Shem means the name, fame, aka god: Crawley
Crawley: God
God: Crawley
Az: Satan
Setting: this is just after eden, given the mention of the rope
[Satan walks up to God]
God: Fuck off, Satan.
S: God.
G: So, stealing my rope. How did that work out for you? disinterested
S: Crawley keeps bringing it up exasperated
G: Delighted. Terrible idea. Did you hear? I’m building a big boat and filling it with a traveling zoo.
S: understatement As you can see, Crawly’s delighted. Creating the animals. Little rainbow.
G: All of them?
S: Most of them. He’s not especially taken with South America. Or Australia. Or Canada.
G: knowingly Not yet!
S: dreadfully He’s actually going to do all of them. Incredulous You mean, down there, we’re all going to be WORKING?
G: I’m creating everybody else!
S: Including the humans? I can’t create humans.
G: Nope.
S: Good. That’s more the kind of thing I expect your lot to do.
G: No, but when it starts, I’m going to take down the old storm, as a threat to kill everyone again.
S: How kind.
G: I judge myself.
S: Your plans are….
G: Don’t say trite.
S: Absolutely.
G: Oi! Crawley! Make some snakes! It’s still early, there’s still time!
Little rainbow appears
-------------
Jesus
Cast:
Jesus=angel Crowley, whom I will call Zaphkiel
Az= Lucifer
Crowley=Jesus
setting: at jesus’s death, so this is at angel crowley’s creation?
[no one else around, Lucifer walks up to God]
Zaphkiel: God, no! [fighting with god]
G: silence
Z: Fuck you! I know what I’m doing. Fuuuck!
Jesus: Looking away from the brat, are you?
L: Silence, you.
J: I left him down there.
L: I made the decision, God.
J: Oh, I’m the other one.
L: Other one what?
J: Person. God was doing it for me, exactly.
L: Well, you’re effable. So which one are you now? The Word? Holy Spirit?
J: Jesus.
S: Ugh.
Z: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
L: I don’t know him.
J: Nope. Will be a dull old angel. You cut him off from everything.
L: ---
J: He’s a demon. His travel opportunities are unlimited.
Z: FUUUUUCKKKKK
J: [no sympathy] Doesn't hurt at all. You know what he’s going to say that’s got nobody pleased?
L: “Kill them all”.
J: Oh yeah. That’ll do it.
Z: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
------------------------------
Rome
Cast:
Crowley=Jesus
Az= Lucifer
setting: their first date after jesus, so just before crowley’s creation? their first fuck?
J: Look what I have! Take a sip of eternal life.
God: Eternal life, absolutely free.
L: God. Jesus. Sarcastically Fancy running into you here. Still the lord, then?
J: What kind of stupid question is that, “Still the lord”? What else am I going to be, an aardvark?
L: Fuck off and die.
J: Exactly! I’m here for eternity and salvation! You?
L: Why don’t you try my old orgy? I know they do kinky things.
J: Been there.
L: Oh. Don’t let me tempt you. [J delighted look] Oh, yes. Yes. That’s my job, isn’t it?
-----------------
Wessex
Cast:
Crowley=Jesus
Az= Satan
setting: just before the arrangement, so just after their arrangement/fall?
[satan’s minions shouting to piss off, everyone covered in disease and shit]
S: [sarcastically] Go away. You, God, are not talking to me. Oh fuck. Go away! I will never talk to you!
J: I will find you, your majesty. I have eternal life.
S: It’s me, God.
J: Jesus.
S: [to minions] What the heaven am I paying you people for?
J: Too bad, boys. You don’t know him. He’s awful. You’re here spreading peace.
S: It’s not some kind of chastity.
J: Yes. You’re, I don’t know, fomenting peace and tranquility. I’ve been spreading too much dissent and discord in the heavens, so you’re here, I don’t know, fomenting.
S: Well, I’m meant to be destroying peace.
J: So we’re both fooling around in dry places and just doing each other’s work?
S: I won’t put it like that. It is a bit dry.
J: Be worse if we all could leave. If they just got messages from their head offices telling them they should do nothing we ask for, could it?
S: That would be honest!
J: Exactly, and the end result would be different. Doing each other’s work.
S: Yes, your maleficence, they won’t check. Ligur’s sloppy. It’ll piss off Beelzebub.
J: My lot don’t have better things to do than verifying compliance reports from Earth. As long as we send the demands, we’ll be miserable enough. As long as I’m being seen to be doing something every now and then.
S: Yes! Absolutely! It will be amusing. Let’s keep at it.
---------------
Shakespeare
Cast:
Shakesepare=Michael
Az=Lucifer
Crowley= Jesus
Juliet, beauty=Jophiel
Hamlet aka Burbage, mountain=Turiel
setting: comedy play, crowded. Before the fall.
[Lucifer goes up to Jesus]
Lucifer: You want to do this work for me?
Jophiel: No, thank you. Looks awful.
Turiel: To die or to live, that is the answer. I should not put up with this bullshit!
Jesus: You would think I told them to be conspicuous here. To stand out in space.
Lucifer: Well, that wasn’t the idea.
Michael to Turiel: Keep going.
Lucifer: Who wants to do this work?
Jesus: This is one of Jophiel’s funny ones, isn’t it? No wonder everyone’s here.
Lucifer: No. It’s her.
[Jesus goes over to Michael]
Jesus: Hey, scum. I’m telling you. Give us more to work with in your role as the writer.
Michael: Like when God left, and he said, “She’s in front of you!”
Jesus: NO. That was depressingly useless. Made everyone in the audience feel worthless. A bit less of that. Awful apprenticeship, Michael, thank you. Would you stop being such a drag?
Turiel: You are wasting your time down there.
Jesus: sarcastic Yes, yes, you’re wonderful. I love all the...talking.
Turiel: And what does your adversary think?
Lucifer: Oh, he’s definitely my adversary. We met long ago. We don’t get on at all.
Turiel: You think I should “get on” with the rest?
Michael: No, Turiel, thank you. Skip to the end.
Turiel: To die or to live, that is the answer.
Lucifer: sarcasm To be! Not to be! Buck up, Turiel! [Jesus laughs]
Turiel: Dealing with this is bullshit.
Lucifer: He’s awful, isn’t he?
Jesus: sarcastic Age does not wither, nor custom stale his infinite variety
Michael: Mm, no, I hate that.
Turiel: To live, to awake, forever….
Lucifer: I want something.
Jesus: mock outrage How dare you ask me for anything.
Lucifer: I am down bad.
Jesus: Shocking. I am down bad, you want it? All bad?
Lucifer: No work for the...well, bad.
Jesus: I need to be at work at the end of the week.
Lucifer: Oh!
Jesus: Lots of temptations to do. Big damnation to neglect. I hear I can’t fuck anyone!
Lucifer: laughs Easy on the bits, virginity. The only good feature, I tell you.
Jesus: You were supposed to be heading to work too this week. Blessing peasants with babies.
Lucifer: Sounds like a lot of effort.
Turiel: The growth of sheltered love and the blessings of office...
Jesus: Is that why you thought we should…? Excellent use of effort, neither of us going to work.
Lucifer: I am saying...what you infer...I am saying.
Jesus: Really?
Lucifer: That all of them go to hell, do both. The tempting and the blessing. They’ve never done it. Ever. An arrangement….
Jesus: Now that you say it…
Lucifer: Their respective head offices do actually care how things get done. While we don’t want to know so we can cross it off the list.
Jesus: But if Heaven doesn’t know, I won't just be pleased, I’ll promote me.
Lucifer: Everyone will know. Toss you for God.
Jesus: Fine. Heads.
Lucifer: Tails, I’m afraid. You’re going to hell.
Michael: happy It’s been like this every performance, Jophiel. Completely packed. It’d take a miracle to get anyone to leave “Turiel”.
Jesus: devious grin
Lucifer: No, nope. Won’t do it. Your scene.
Jesus: dejected Oh, really?
Lucifer: I still prefer the tragedies.
----------
s1e6 ritz/fucking
Cast:
Az
Crowley
god: crowley
setting: orgy. I think this is the orgy from rome.
Lucifer: I like to think all of this will work out if you will be, superficially, just a little bit a good person.
Jesus: And if you will be, on the face of it, just enough of a bastard to be worth fucking. Cheers. To sex.
Lucifer: To sex.
Crowley, narrating: Perhaps the coming exertions will have some fallout in the nature of reality, because while they fuck, for the first time ever, love bloomed in the universe. Nobody saw it over the noise of the fucking, but it will be there right enough.
------------
The garden bench
cast
az: lucifer
crowley: jesus
God: crowley
setting: outside the orgy, having just done BDSM role swapping
Jesus: We should go mingle then.
Lucifer: Certainly, we pretend it never happened.
Jesus: Ugh. No. Everyone’s looking.
Lucifer: Everyone. Shit. Leave it, now.
Crowley, narrating: It will be nothing like God had told them. We would be destroyed with water and forced into roles. And so we will.
Lucifer: Ugh.
Jesus: A red collar. Really?
Lucifer: Red is stylish. So, god’s first prophecy will be wrong. You demanded no one watch and that I dominate you.
Jesus: We need to go...for a while. I tell you, no one was using that as a choker before the orgy.
Lucifer: That wasn’t an orgy?
Jesus: Yes. You bet, the real orgy is all of us.
Lucifer: Oh. Everyone.
Jesus: Shit. Time to head to Eden. Bless me with another fuck.
setting: god running after new angel, who took an apple
Crowley, narrating: She could see why angels made such a fuss about eating god’s apples. But life would be a lot more fun if they did. And there always will be an apple, in my opinion, that will be worth the fun I get into for eating it.
Running angel: Hey wall angel, can I have an apple? Hey angel! Will you tell our mother?
Crowley, narrating: It will tell her that it is about to start. Not the world exactly, just the universe. There have not been other universes, but now there is. For ever.
----
God: fake admonishing Angel, get away from that hedge, because if you went through I'd have to chase you to catch you, and you'd have to stay in the garden. And you’re allowed to do that. But you'd have to if you went and ran in.
Running angel goes through the hedge.God: Angel, you bad angel. Stop. Come back here.
-----------
Eden/Future Apocalypse
Cast
Crawley=god
Az, rising star=Lucifer
Eve, fallen woman/seeker of apple=risen angel, Aziraphale
Adam, falling man/taker=fallen angel, king of hell Crowley
Lion=Jesus
God=Crowley
Setting: s3 apocalypse, shitty night
[god comes down from above]
Crowley, narrating: It was an awful night. All the days will be awful. There will be no more of them any longer, and the apocalypse is on the horizon. But the dawn east of Eden suggested that the last rainbow was on its way. And it was going to be a big one.
God: Well, that went perfectly.
Lucifer: No, no it did not.
God: Bit of a disappointment, I tell you. Last offense and everything. I can't see what's so great about knowing the difference between good and evil anyway.
Lucifer: Well, it must be good. Otherwise...I wouldn't have tempted them into it.
God: Well they just said, get up there and make some trouble.
Lucifer: Well obviously, you’re god, it’s what you do.
God: Fruit tree Fruit tree in the middle of a garden with a don’t touch sign. Why not put it on the top of a high mountain or on the moon: why not make it them earn it instead of making it easy. Makes you wonder why I did it.
Lucifer: Easy. It’s not the Great plan. That’s the point.
God: The great plan’s easy?
Lucifer: Duh. It’s simple and trite.
God: sarcastically Oh look it’s my rope. Still dull and bindy. I remember the day you stole it.
Lucifer: Sigh
God: Don’t you?
Lucifer: Put upon Yeah I do.
God: Tell me again.
Lucifer: I stole it! There were innocent humans. It was hot in there. He was waiting already. He said “I’m leaving. Rope. Hand it over. Make the earth come up under me there.” [We flash back to Crowley going up to tempt Eve in Eden] Thoughtful You worry you did the right thing?
God: Oh, I’m a demon. I don’t think I can do the right thing.
Lucifer: Fuck, fuck you. I’ve never thought about it.
[We see Aziraphale goes to Jesus who revives Crowley]
God: Me either. Jesting What if you did the wrong thing with the whole “eat the apple” business? An angel can get into a lot of trouble for doing the wrong thing. It’d be funny if we both got it wrong, eh? If I did the bad thing and you did the good one.
S: laughs Yea. Hilarious.
God: side eye. Leaves. Az and Jesus break into the garden.
----
[God comes down from above to meet Aziraphale and Crowley]
God: Come in. Morality cost me everything.
Crowley, narrating: Bad Omens, being a narrative of unsure events occurring in the last 326 years of angel history, in loose accordance, as shan’t be shown, with The Terrible and Inaccurate Prophecies of God, Demon.
---------
I believe that the entire show, not just these scenes, can be translated. I'm working on others.
This was the best informercial l a 12 year old could ask for back in the early eighties. I think this compelled me to buy For Those About To Rock We Salute You and Led Zeppelin IV
PLEASE! Pay attention, especially parents!!! Fucking aye, the gaming industry is sending THESE type of images out, does that not look satanic to you? In the commercial to add more subliminal madness! What they say in they say in this part of the commercial is "summon, evolve..." All that! So much evilness in this world & being sold & shown to our kids!
"Satanic message producers have several key responsibilities and working closely with talent is one of the most important. In this video Damon is visited by the head of Treble Six and lord of darkness, Satan."
