so i'm sneaking this from @edgeoflight - writing down ten of my favorite lines from my ten longest fics. i am so sorry but i am probably not picking my actual favorite line out of a 109k fic i finished in 2023 but i am going to make a valiant effort to like, find a really good one. also these are like, paragraphs or full sections of dialogue because some really good lines need context!!!
tagging @havisham as a means of cyberbullying
ahem hem IN ORDER OF LENGTH FROM LONGEST TO SHORTEST:
alchemy in the blood, genshin impact, albedo/aether, 109k
Durin’s skull is on eBay. The listing says, “VICTORIAN DRAGON SKULL SKELETON BONES ANTIQUE BAVARIAN DINOSAUR GOTH TABLETOP DORM ROOM MANCAVE.”
silvery water and the starry earth, genshin impact, albedo/aether, 76k
Aether started to cry. “I hate this. I hate leaving you, I hate my fucked-up body, I hate how I don’t know what to do. You want me to live and I don’t want to die, so why is this so hard?”
into exile, scum villain's self-saving system, yue qingyuan/shen jiu, 56k
Luo Binghe wanted to make an ornament of Shen Qingqiu. He wanted to take Shen Qingqiu to bed—not to fuck, but to lie next to him, like the doll Luo Binghe had never had. Luo Binghe could hold Shen Qingqiu’s bound body close, feel the trembling under that porcelain skin as his tormenter’s humiliation chased every nightmare away.
"You think I was always able to make my asscheeks clap? No! I worked at it. Sweated over it. I went to the rowing machine every day until I got enough ass to clap.”
the maimed king, peter jackson hobbit movies, bard/thranduil, 26k
“There will be no tales of Aduthir, for I am childless and yoked to what I most hate. What hope is there but to be a dropped stitch in a tapestry, or a blot upon the page? You must remember me, even if it is with contempt.”
so long sauvignon, dungeon meshi, kabru/mithrun, 24k
"Since I was so young, the server recommended an off-dry Vouvray that had a little sweetness. It tasted like transgression, like I was flirting with an adulthood that had an aftertaste of honey.”
folie à deux, dungeon meshi, kabru/mithrun, 16k
Mithrun had found a goat’s skull. The rest of the creature was still in the earth. Mithrun held it up so he could see it better, eye to empty eye. Staring into the holes where the goat’s eyes had been, Mithrun remembered the gaze of the demon.
warm-blooded, kaleidoscope of death, ruan nazhu/lin qiushi, 14k
Ruan Nanzhu almost looked distressed. “You want me to have sex with you?”
“One of us can stick it in and then we both have to come, right? That would count?”
your affections, commander, peerless, feng xiao/cui buqu, 12k
A murder was a very thoughtful gift.
of like kind, the silmarillion, maedhros/sauron, 12k
She turned her head to stare directly at Maedhros, a fey smile curling her lips. “He will tease out the corruption in you, that I see burning low in your blasphemous soul. Mastering you excites his vanity, but you are beneath the thought of the Master of Fate. This bodes ill for you. Come closer, dispossessed son.”
jotaro/kakyoin!!!! kakyoin "helps" w/ jo's marine research pls
Anon, you deserve something better than what you’re about to get! I’m so sorry but this is all research makes me think of other than I guess… Kakyoin using Hierophant Green to get an octopus to release its eggs so this could’ve gone worse places SORRY
obviously this is… set several years post-canon. I SWEAR ONE DAY I’LL WRITE JOTAKAK THAT’S NOT THIS
When Jotaro had said that he needed Kakyoin immediately, a few scenarios ran through Kakyoin’s head:
1) a dangerous enemy stand
2) vampires
3) Excel
Kakyoin knew it was Excel by the sweat breaking out on Jotaro’s forehead.
“I can’t get these columns to merge,” said Jotaro, “and the sperm release dates are displaying incorrectly.”
“Can’t Star Platinum use Excel?” Kakyoin asked.
“That’s how I got the sardine weight formulae working.”
Kakyoin pulled up a chair and laboriously pulled the mechanical keyboard closer. He couldn’t let Jotaro know how excited he was to use Excel. As he typed “=A1&” “&B1&” in, he felt Star Platinum leaning close over his shoulder.
“I need to print it for my advisor,” Jotaro added, “but I can’t get the running head-”
Wordlessly, Kakyoin went to Print Titles and set the top rows to repeat. As the printer started on 30 pages of thorough sardine data, Star Platinum disappeared. Kakyoin heard a faint ORAORAORAORAORA from the other room as Star Platinum tore the perforated edges from each sheet of paper.
post-not by the hand of man disembodied sauron vagueing shrilly at his newly engaged co-lieutenants until they dredge up an corpse for him to wear
OOPS I love this so much that I wrote it
“I won’t wear it,” Sauron huffed, chilling the air around them. Míriel could still feel cold, at times.
“What’s wrong with this one?” Khunzildân asked. “There are two eyes, most of the cock’s still on...”
“The nose, you fools! It’s BENT.”
Sauron didn’t have hands anymore, but Míriel knew that if he did, he would be clenching them. “It’s a dignified nose,” Míriel replied.
“I don’t want to be dignified. I want to be sexy!”
“So, something a little less decayed, then?” said Khunzildân, a literal ghost of a smile passing over her face as she looked towards Míriel.
“I want it barely dead,” Sauron hissed. “Kill it yourself. And since neither of you are good judges of the looks of Men, get me a corpse with tits and a nice vagina.”
“As you wish, Lord.” Khunzildân gave him the approximation of a flourishing bow. “Fresh body, tits perky, vagina none too deep nor too shallow.”
“But a Mannish corpse, mind you. Don’t bring me a cat, either.”
The two Ringwraiths left the seaside cave Sauron had chosen to sulk in. As their unquiet spirits crossed the land in search of a victim, Míriel asked, “Will he ever figure out that we’re toying with him?”
If Intwing's race has a shorter lifespan than humans; what would happen when he gets old and Ren comes to see him?
oh my godddddd
“An interview?” Intwing asked, looking up from his overstuffed armchair. “For my thirty-eighth birthday?”
“I thought I should come to you,” Ren said, “instead of summoning you to the palace.”
“You’ve got those little nerf golf carts there, don’t you? I like the nerf golf carts.”
Ren took a seat next to Intwing and gently patted the elderly Chadra-fan’s paw. “What do the people want to know?”
Intwing shrugged. ‘What are they allowed to know? The color of your underwear?”
“Black. Next?”
“I haven’t tweeted in years,” Intwing said, chewing on one of his nails. “What’s the Emperor’s plan for succession? Making some kids in a tube? Or will democracy have an inspiring return?”
“Don’t worry.” Ren smiled. “You don’t have much longer to wait. You might even live to see it.”
I wrote two original fics for Trick or Treat! One of them is about a ghost cat and the other one is about a half-orc finding love and happiness.
Paws From Beyond
Rating: General
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Tags: Convenient Allergic Reactions, A Cat Getting Adequate Pets, Ghosts, Cats, Fluff
Summary: In the grave, all cats are gray.
The Broken Helm
Rating: General
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Tags: Family, Healing
Summary: What savor can there be for the warrior who has never known defeat, as she becomes old?
five times kujen murdered jedao and one time he forgot
NEVER LET IN-JOKES GET OUT OF HAND HERE’S A TERRIBLE THING I WROTE
there are inappropriate jokes about every sad and disturbing theme in the series i recommend never clicking the readmore and saving yourself
The first time it happened, it was an accident. And the next, and the third, the fourth, the fifth, but not the sixth. That was on purpose. Kujen was still working out some of the details of modifying bodies, though he wasn’t sure why he bothered with Jedao’s. Jedao 27 had definitely been better off dead, what with the extra eyes.
Jedao 8 perished in a voidmoth. Kujen was just running out to do a quick set of errands—picking up some candy for his anchor and some new vivisection tools developed by the Vidona—and he’d forgotten to turn on the air conditioning. The Vidona haggled, the candy was out of stock, and Kujen spent three hours doing what he’d expected to do in thirty minutes. Immortality meant that he’d only barely been annoyed, but it was a fatal event for Jedao. Kujen was even a little embarrassed when he went back into the voidmoth and saw Jedao stretched out on the floor.
“Why didn’t you just turn on the air conditioning?” Kujen asked the corpse. “Oh. The death wish.”
Jedao 28 had the appropriate number of eyes and was pleasingly taller than Jedao 1. Kujen treated him delicately, because he suspected Jedao 29 wouldn’t be as satisfactory in bed. He went to check on Jedao’s progress with Calendrical Goose Simulator, his anchor walking with his usually quiet steps. This was a poor choice for Jedao’s assassin reflexes. Kujen learned that it was possible to kill someone with a porcelain soup spoon.
“I’m not sorry,” Jedao said, after Kujen returned in a new anchor.
“Thank you for the learning experience,” Kujen replied, before flooding Jedao’s bedroom with a fairly benign poison gas.
The demise of Jedao 31 was legitimately funny. Kujen had secured the wet bar with a simple Captcha system to prevent any wandering Esfarels from breaking the sink.
WET BAR CAPTCHA: Out of the numbers 54, eighty-eight, 69, thirty, which is the highest number?
JEDAO: That’s easy. 69!
Kujen returned to the scene of Jedao sprawled dead over the wet bar, destroyed by the needlessly aggressive defense system.
Jedao 43 passed on after beating Kujen at jeng-zhai. Since Kujen had guests visiting for dinner, he stuffed Jedao behind a curtain and left it to his anchor to entertain the current false hexarch. Jedao fell over halfway into the meal, shocking the guests and spoiling an excellent pastry arrangement.
“You are so embarrassing,” Kujen hissed. “Why are you always embarrassing me?”
The false hexarch had to join Jedao behind the curtain, unfortunately.
Kujen was irritated when Shuos Mikodez brought up the high expiration rates of Jedaos. “Really, Kujen, he’s not a goldfish. How can you keep killing him?” he asked.
“That’s a lot coming from someone who’s never raised something more complex than a green onion.”
“I could manage a cat if I wanted to.”
“Jedao isn’t a cat! He’s not a pet at all. He’s got a mind of his own,” Kujen replied.
That was when he realized he had done worse than forgetting Jedao in a hot voidmoth. Kujen had forgotten about Jedao entirely, assuming he must have somehow died but Jedao was very much alive.
Kujen found out that Jedao had retired to an idyllic pastoral planet after winning big at a casino. Attracted by the sound of his geese trying to chase Kujen off the farm, Jedao 56 leaned in the doorway and frowned at Kujen.
“I thought you’d never get here,” Jedao said. “Hurry up and shoot me; I have gray hair and I don’t like it at all.”
“I should let you die of old age.”
Jedao shrugged. “I think that would count as a win for me.”
Kujen thought of the improvements he would make on Jedao 57.
CONFESSION: i don’t remember bill and ted’s excellent adventure super well and my laptop doesn’t have a side keyboard so i can’t make the u with an accent on it pls ghost of tolkien DO NOT HAUNT ME
here we go
“Dude, if my epic poem on the colonialism of the Noldor doesn’t move the audience to tears, Thingol will send me to military school,” Turin said, looking mournfully over the vaguely 80s, and yet also kind of Renfair inspired wooden table. He then dramatically sipped at his mead from a straw.
“Dude,” Beleg replied. “Haven’t you wanted to go to military school your whole life?”
“I was thinking I’d rather start a band. You on mandolin, me on vocals.”
