#saturdaysatire

[feimineach]

“The Power Of Christ Compels You” Screams The Pope After Tackling Trump To The Ground

REPORTS emanating from the Vatican this morning contrast greatly with the official accounts of US President Donald Trump’s first meeting with Pope Francis, WWN can confirm.

The first meeting between the two leaders had been much anticipated after the Pope decried the toxic messages Trump shared on his presidential campaign, solidified by Republican budget proposals unveiled yesterday which target cuts for the most vulnerable in America.

According to official White House accounts, Trump fresh from creating peace in the Middle East, had a constructive conversation with the leader of the Catholic faith. However, other eye-witnesses tell a different story.

“As soon as Franny clocked eyes on him, he tackled him to the ground and starting pouring holy water on Trump’s face and screaming ‘the power of Christ compels you’ over and over again,” shared one Vatican source.

“But I think with all that liquid cascading down onto his face, Trump’s muscle memory kicked in and he started getting aroused. So it all got a bit weird,” added the source.

While the Pope’s attempts to exorcise the US president seemed to fail, the pair managed to find some common ground when discussing the vast wealth accumulated by the Vatican and how both men share an indifference towards sexual assault victims.

Trump has gone on record many times to express how faith plays a huge part in his life. “I love Jesus, he’s the best, ask anyone, they’re all saying it, he’s the best,” confirmed Trump.

The President’s latest comments sit in stark contrast to previous criticism of Jesus, with Trump describing Jesus as a terrible negotiator citing the ‘bad trade deal’ he made which saw Jesus die as a sacrifice for the sins of humanity.

[feimineach]

An inspiring video made by self-described “male feminist” Duncan Wizell has gone viral this week. In the video, Wizell approaches women on the street to give his approval of their decision to not smile.

“It’s important to show women that not all men are the kind of assholes who will go around telling you to smile,” says Wizell. “I want them to know I’m okay with them not smiling because not smiling can be beautiful, too.”

Many women featured in the video seemed to heed Wizell’s wishes, remaining stone-faced as he passed by. “I could tell by the response it was what they needed to hear,” he explains. “Women are so strong.”

Wizell came up with the idea when he heard female friends describe how obnoxious it was to be told to smile by strangers on the street who felt it was somehow within their realm of control to tell them what to do. “That shocked me,” says Wizell. “I was like, ‘That’s messed up. I’m gonna do the opposite.’”

“I just want women to feel like it’s okay to have regular expressions on their face like men can and that a lot of us men—the good ones—will still be into you for who you are,” he says. “I would date a girl regardless of whether or not she was smiling. That’s feminism.”

Wizell’s video has been shared by many other men on social media who want their female friends to know they share his sentiments. “I like a serious woman,” says Tim Hawkey, 32. “Women’s mouths come in all shapes and sizes and that’s cool. I would make out with every one of ’em.”

[feimineach]

#saturdaysatire: local father does the weekly family shop for first time since 1997 - @WhispersNewsLTD

Local Father Does The Weekly Family Shop For First Time Since 1997

A TRIUMPHANT Waterford father of three and occasional husband of one was quick to dismiss rumours of international awards and praise after successfully carrying out the weekly family shop yesterday evening.

Gary Boyd, took to his local supermarket for the first time since 1997 armed with an extensive list of items that when purchased and returned to the family home could sustain his brood for as many as seven days, staving of starvation.

“The wife is a bit under the weather,” he said of his wife who broke both her legs in a minor car crash earlier in the week, “if you ask me she still could have done the shop, but you know yourself, you’ll never hear the end of it, so muggins here is off to do the shopping again,” said Boyd who last did the weekly shop when Ireland was still using the punt.

“People are calling me a hero, they may say that, and who am I to disagree,” added Boyd, who forgot to get at least 30 items on the shopping list.

Boyd’s wife Nuala showered her husband in similar praise, thankful to have such a dedicated partner and father to her children.

“He comes in and says ‘did you know they only open two checkouts in Lidl’. No, Gary, how would I know that I’ve only shopped there about 5,000 times. Fucking eejit,” Nuala said, supportively.

“And it took the fool 6 hours”.

[feimineach]

#saturdaysatire: New House of Cards series cancelled ‘because it can’t compete with this sh*t’ - @whispersnewsltd

New House Of Cards Series Cancelled ‘Because It Can’t Compete With This Shit’

STREAMING GIANT Netflix has made the decision to cancel its successful House of Cards series, citing the fact that despite an effort to create a series of compelling and dramatic events surrounding the inner workings of Washington politics and the White House, try as they might they ‘can’t compete with this shit’.

The news comes as President Trump’s recent pick for attorney general Jefferson Sessions stands accused of not disclosing meetings he held with Russian officials last year.

“We’ve had 35 writers on 12 hours shifts trying, just fucking trying everything, anything to compete with the stream of scarcely believable twists and turns coming from the White House and we give up, we can’t do it,” a haggard producer for the popular House of Cards series conceded.

“We went back to the drawing board, we had Kevin Spacey fighting the Russian premier on the Moon but fuck knows, fast forward a week later and it’ll all be redundant because of whatever the next clusterfuck to come out of Washington ends up being,” added the producer.

Elsewhere, Attorney General Sessions was quick to bat away any suggestion of impropriety on his behalf.

“I have had no contact with Russian,” Sessions said in the Skype conversation with Fox News from a nondescript room inside the Kremlin.

[feimineach]

#saturdaysatire: can you be a feminist and have a boyfriend? We investigate - @whispersnewsltd

Can You Be A Feminist AND Have A Boyfriend, We Investigate

(Down with this sort of thing, I think.)

•••

IN the first of a new series we answer some questions from our readers. Today Sarah from Bray writes ‘my friends are a bit feministy, and seem to have an issue with the fact I have a boyfriend, but I’m a feminist too. Can I be a feminist and have a boyfriend? Thanks, Sarah’.

In today’s brave new world of asserting yourself in the face of the patriarchy, it can be hard to determine if you can irrationally hate men AND date one of them.

For the unfamiliar, all feminists are required to hate all men without exception and showing any affection for a male can result in excommunication, but on a purely ideological level, Feminazi Party rules aside, can you be a feminist AND have a boyfriend?

Can you really want equality for all if you are in a healthy and functioning relationship with, of all things, a fucking man? Sarah’s friends would say it’s a big fat no, but they’d probably murder all men if given half the chance. We pressed Sarah for more information in order to find a definitive answer, and help Sarah out of her quagmire.

I can’t remember the last time he quoted some Simone de Beauvoir or Judith Butler to me

Sure, he says he’s all for equality, but your feminist friends don’t allow for any half-assing it, it even says so in the handbook you received when you joined the Feminazi Party. But we’d say cut him some slack, has he shared a Broad City gif recently, or penned a 4,000 word op-Ed defending Lena Dunham published on TheJournal.ie recently? We’re sure he’s trying. I think we can chalk this one down as a rush to judge your boyfriend by your friends.

Shouldn’t he strictly be called my manfriend, he’s 27 for Christ’s sake?

After checking out his online habits, it seems he’s calling you his ‘side bitch’ on 4Chan, so boyfriend is fine.

He doesn’t have the best fashion sense

Bold black uniform with a red patch on his arm, he’s just being fashion-forward, relax.

He’s started learning German on Duolingo

He has ambitions to better himself, and probably wants the same for you.

I caught him masturbating to a video of Milo Yiannopoulos

Shit, okay…

I’m not all that sure we share the same beliefs, he opened up a sham abortion advice clinic in the centre of Dublin, which tells women they’ll go to hell if they have an abortion

So? He’s enterprising and set up a business. It’s good that the two of you are driven. And hey, every couple has their minor disagreements.

He has a tattoo of Pepe the Frog on the tip of his penis

Honestly, it sounds to us like your friends are just jealous they don’t have a boyfriend, and fear becoming those old and embittered feminist types who criticise people (men) for no reason.

He screams Heil Hitler when he climaxes

Sarah, you’ve got a keeper and best of all your belief in equality for all isn’t compromised in the slightest.

[feimineach]

[111help2heal111]

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[breezysparkles]

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