We put our marriage back together...
Infertility is so rough on a relationship. Years of following a drs schedule. Years of yo-yo'ing up and down with emotions due to fertility drugs. Years of teetering on the edge of giving up but yet still holding out hope.
I remember each cycle, I would tell myself. This is going to be the one. I would figure out the due date. I would look for any and every symptom. I would basically talk myself and convince myself that this is it! Only for it to come to pee on the stick day and there would never be the second line. Never be the plus sign. Stark white. And even then I so desperately wanted it to be over. I so desperately wanted to be pregnant, I would periodically pull the test out the trash and see if magically lines would appear. They never did. I went from my most hopeful, highest highs to my lowest low. I would tell myself I cant do this no more. I would tell myself that this isn't the time. And I was a bitch. Essentially I pumped full of hormones and then getting my heart broke. Every month.. Wow you have awesome follicles, your lining is amazing. And then nothing. I wonder how did my marriage survive that? What made my husband stay. His sperm count was good. I was the problem and I knew that. I was the younger wife. The suppose to be fertile wife. And not only couldn’t I give him a child but I was a raging bitch to him. He's so kind, understanding and patient. He took everything in stride. Trust me I know there were times that he was cussing me under his breath… norman style. Like off of that movie.
I think to myself. We beat infertility. Dealt with a painful loss and now that we are essentially on the other side.. The winning side now shit falls apart. For so many years we had so much other stuff to focus on. We focused on trying to become parents. We focused on our loss, and trying again. Then surgeries and our second twin pregnancy. A set of premature twins. Nicu stay. Then newborn twins. Now my kids are 2 1/2. they are no longer sick. They are sleeping throughout the night for the most part. I have time. I have time to realize what I have been missing.
I feel like when you have kids, its very easy to fall into a roommate type situation. There was no intimacy. There was no quality together. We would parent together. And we would parent together well but when the kids went to bed we kind of did our own thing. When I started to be able to get enough sleep for my brain to full function again and I had time to sit with my thoughts. I realized just how unhappy I was. I felt unappreciated, unloved and not very sexy or desirable.
And im not gonna lie, my feeling fell on death ears for a while.. Long enough for me to look into apartments. Being totally honest here, I had threatened to leave a few times. I think after you threaten something so many times it kind of loses its scariness. But when I actually set up appointments and found a apartment that I liked shit got real serious. When I told him I would date other people and he knew I meant it, he not only started listening but also started taking notes.
It was hard at first. I didn’t know how to handle the new changes. Honestly somedays I felt smothered from all the attention. I was also kind of still angry and resentful. Why did it take for me to sign a lease for a apartment for someone to get their shit together. Ya know? I was also very hesitant that this was something short term and nothing that would last. He had to learn balance and I had to learn to let him help. I had to relearn how to take compliments again, and not hold grudges.
Over time there was a shift. He was bringing me home flowers weekly. My vase is never empty now. (although I suck super hard at keeping any type of flower alive, I told him those $5 flowers from walmart can really make my day somedays) We make it a point to eat dinner together.. No phones. Just us and our kids. And we watch at least 1 show together nightly. Which almost always includes cuddling and him rubbing my back. I wake up to good morning texts. Notes on the coffee pot. He sends me songs that remind him of me. And in turn that makes me want to keep the house cleaner. It makes me want to cook his favorite meals more often. I also leave him little notes. And in doing all this, it has helped our sex life tremendously. We always made time for that before, but its just better now. I feel way more connected.
I thought my marriage was over. It was doomed. I tried for so long to fix it and then realized I couldn’t be the only one to fix it. Just when I had one foot out the door he pulled me in and gave me a whole new perspective, a breath of fresh air. I smile more now. I feel more beautiful. I don’t feel like I need to seek the attention of others cause I'm getting more then enough at home. I laugh more. I'm more laid back. And I'm happy again. He's happy. We found happiness together …. Again. This is better then the just started dating butterflies. He has seen my darkest days. The blackest part of my soul. He has seen me at my lowest, ugliest, meanest self and still chooses to fight for me. Still chooses to love me. After 12 years together we have managed to fall in love again, in a completely different way.
