Lois Lane Interviews the Cat Savior
"Superman, Superman! Why do you keep pretending to save cats?! Surely a godlike figure like you is only concerned with looking angelic in the glare of the sun, feats of impossible heroic strength, and brooding at home while the media to waxes lyrical about your existential significance to the human condition!"
"Uh... excuse me, Ms. Lane...? This is my lunch break, so..."
"You heard me! We live in the 2020s! Post-Donald Trump America! The world after COVID! God is dead and aspirational goodness doesn't exist! Now! Tell me why you pretended to save that little girl's cat! And those other thirteen cats you saved over the last week! P-pretended to save, I mean! You pretended to save them! Totally staged it. Deepfake hoax."
"To tell you that, Ms. Lane, I need to take you on a trip through time. To a time that wasn't the 2020s, when this symbol on my chest stood for something... o-other than 'Superman,' I mean."
"I can show you the wooooooorld... shining, shimmering, spleeeeendid...!"
"...Where did you come from, Jimmy?"
"I was standing right behind you when you were scripting out this interview, dude! Like, right right behind you. Were you really that distracted by—"
"ANYway, to answer your questions, we need to go back to the very beginning... the beginning of time. Before the Snyderverse began... before the Flash royally screwed up and rebooted the universe (again). Look down there, Ms. Lane... what do you see?"
"I see you pretending to save a cat!"
"You see me really saving a cat."
"You can't prove that, Smallville."
"Then lets go even further back!"
"Further back than before the Snyderverse began?!"
"Time is a flat circle, Ms. Lane. You can always go further back. What do you see now?"
"I see you... p-pretending, definitely pretending, deepfake technology... to save a cat... from some real shitheel kid, jeez. You really did that? ...Why?"
"Because someone wrote to me about a case of animal cruelty. They wanted me to help."
"Y-you answer pleas for help that people send you in the mail? "H-he's too pure for this world...!"
"Well, it would probably be via 'Twitter' these days, except..."
"The Elongated Muskrat. Someone should put a stop to that dastardly villain."
"That looks like a job for... Booster Gold. I'm not touching that one."
"Yooooooo, I have a question!"
"What?"
"Have you ever broken a cat by accident, like you break all those door handles and bathroom faucets and stuff?"
"..."
"..."
"...Uh."
"...You haven't have you?"
"N-NO, OF COURSE NOT." *Ahem.*
"Anyway, Ms. Lane, the bottom line is... I'm here to help. I don't care if it's an invincible monster with bones sticking out of its... everywhere, or a construction accident or a car crash... or some little girl's cat that got stuck up a tree. I see someone who needs help, I help. Someone asks for help, I help. That's just who I am. I'm here to help."
"Yeah, but for real. Are you sure it's not some roundabout symbolic way of saying you're an Alpha Male who gets all the—?"
"Ms. Lane, please. What could a man saving cats be 'symbolic' of?"
"Oh no, you won't fool me. No man on Earth is so pure! Go to horny jail. Go directly to horny jail. Do not collect two hundred dollars."
"W-where were you keeping those handcuffs? "This wasn't in the script..."
