#sawyerposting

[mangolostinparadise]

trying to get through season 6

not mine, credit to @thegunssawyerstole in this beautiful post

[fiddlesticksss]

"Mother, can I watch cartoons?"

[spntism]

It was an established fact in Dean Winchester’s life that nobody actually cared about him except for his brother. His father cared only about what Dean could do for him. The counselors at windblown schools didn’t care about him, they just saw a kid who attended school for a few weeks here and there and never left a forwarding address as a problem to be solved. Sticking their mandated reporter noses into every fucked up kid who seemed slightly off.

Dean knew this but it still hurt. Hurt like knees digging into dirty concrete for hours at a time, clutching wrinkled bills and hoping. Hoping that maybe - just maybe - this was enough for food for the rest of the week or until his father came back, handfuls of bills saying what his words never would. I’m sorry I didn’t stay, I’m sorry I left you on your own. I’m sorry you’re having to do two parents jobs without having any for yourself.

How does a boy become a father, a boy become a man at four years old? Messily. Growing pains ripping him apart. Fights with Sam over anything and everything, resentment always bubbling under the surface. But even with that, always clutching Sam close and promising to protect him from both the world and John Winchester’s rage. Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t, right? Better the brother who loves you than the father who resents you.

Brotherhood is a bond that can’t be easily broken. Except maybe by your brother choosing something other than you under your nose. And on one hand he’s proud of the kid for wanting better than credit card scams, and hustling pool, knowing the shittiest motels in the most forgettable towns intimately and never having a fixed address. But on the other hand now Sam’s leaving Dean to deal with the roving hurricane that is John Winchester all on his own. And Dean knows that he’s a grown-ass man and shouldn’t rely on his baby brother for things like this. But Sam was always the best at cracking a joke that wasn’t really a joke, and taking the edge off the situations where the tension cut like a well tended blade.

What was Dean without Sam? Dean hadn’t been without Sam since before he was a four year old bawling over his mother’s death without even a picture to remember her by, the only tangible evidence she’d existed in his arms and green eyes in the mirror. Dean without Sam was somehow more himself than he had ever been, but less than he had ever thought he would have to be.

Dean coped the way he always did. Copious amounts of alcohol, the first girl he saw at a bar, rinse and repeat. Except this time, it didn’t work so well and left him with a bad taste in his mouth.

So he did the next best thing. He found something that needed killing, didn’t sleep for a week, and made sure that fucker was dead. And then he did it again.

[mangolostinparadise]

too good to not be its own post thank you @thegunssawyerstole

[mangolostinparadise]

i need a cigarette, a book, and a nap

[mangolostinparadise]

it thunderstormed today and not to be too southern but we needed that rain

[mangolostinparadise]

back from archaeo lab and back on my bullshit here’s this fucking guy

bts Lost season 3 :)

[mangolostinparadise]

>:( this is the semester i get abs.