I had hoped this day would never come. That I had ensured no one would ever again truly be owner of this house. But since you are reading this, I assume I have not succeeded. Since there is no escaping this now, I can only hope to offer some pieces of advice and wisdom I have learned in my extensive stay here that might help make your stay more manageable.
To Whomever it may concern:
If the floorboards creak when you are not standing, ignore it. If you are moving, stay away. If you are unaware that they creaked, keep your head down and keep moving. If you bump into him, keep going. Do not look back.
Avoid going up or down the stairs between 12-3, either AM or PM
The cupboards may be open from time to time, things moved. Act as though nothing has changed. Do not close them and do not move the things back into place. They will find their way back in time.
Keep the fridge and pantry stocked at all times.
If you wish to keep your food only leave it in the left bottom cupboard and top shelf of the fridge. If it goes in the pantry, store it in a sealed, airtight container and write DUST on it.
If you see a plate of ready made food on the counter, be wary. If it has vegetables, thank the air loudly and do not touch it. If there are no vegetables, it is safe. Do not say thank you. If you don't want to eat it, leave it where it is. It will be clean in due time.
Do not buy oranges.
Do not turn on the back left burner on the stove. It does not like it.
Leave kindling in the fireplace at all times. Do not light it nor douse it. It may be lit sometimes, may be off sometimes. Do not change it.
If you chose to watch TV in the living room, stay on the left side of the couch. Do not cross the middle.
On Saturdays sit on the right. Same rules apply.
On Thursdays and Sundays you must sing or hum at least once.
On Tuesdays do not sing or hum.
Any other day is open to you.
The lights will turn on and off depending on where you are and where you need to be. If it is dark and a light turns on in a different room, do not question it. Follow the lights and stay there. He is trying to help you.
If it is daytime and a light turns on, stay away.
She lives behind the door in your room. She will watch you in your bed sometimes. Do not invite her in. Leave oranges under your bed and refill regularly. Do not acknowledge her at night, even if she is standing next to you. In the mornings you may wave to her. She will not wave back. If she waves back, go back to bed.
On special occasions, ring the bell in the hall. No rules apply on such days. You may do as you like. He will keep them away for you. Do not abuse the bell.
If a cat appears randomly, offer it any food, it does not matter. Do not give it the food you are eating. Find something else.
If a dog appears, ignore it.
Wear the jewelry you find in the sink.
Do not wear the ones you find anywhere else, no matter how pretty.
They do not like fireworks.
Buy four stuffed animals on April 17 and leave in different rooms. It does not matter where, so long as they are not near each other. You may receive a gift in return. Make sure to display it on your bedside table.
Sometimes your hair may be braided. Admire it, and leave it in.
If you find a book, read it aloud. Feel free to read your own books aloud as well, if you like.
During rainy days, play the song Creep.
If you have pictures on your bedside table, you must keep them facedown and if you wish to look at them you must look at them for thirteen minutes and sixty eight seconds.
The grandfather clock does not tick. If you hear it ticking, relocate to the upstairs.
It is only ever safe to go into the attic if you hear screams. If it is quiet, leave it be.
I hope I have provided enough help. This is all I can offer you as of now. Every fifth night of the year Douglas will appear. Ask him any questions I have no answered. If he has black hair, scream "RED RUM!" they will take care of him. If he has any other hair color, you may speak with him. Take care my friend.
Yours Truly, The Last Brother
