Surrounded by the Moon and Stars ✷ 29
Pairings: Sirius B, F!Reader, Remus L Warnings: Language, angst, insecurities, blood, darkish thoughts (self-hatred), fighting, violence Author's Note: heavy chap. if you’re having a bad day, take a moment, be kind to yourself and put off reading this until you feel better 💜
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Chapter 29: That Pet You Just Couldn't Keep
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Remus woke up to a bright, white light. He squinted, head lolling to the side of his lumpy pillow. The chair near his bedside was empty, saved from a pitcher of water along with a few potions Madam Pomfrey must’ve left for him, were placed on the stand beside his bed.
Something wasn’t right. Peter or one of the other Marauders were always there waiting for him after his transformations.
Too hot for a blanket in June, he ripped off his covers and noticed the bumpy, large material hiding beneath his nightgown. He licked his lips, letting air whistle down his dry throat while a sharp, burning sensation flooded his abdomen. Remus winched, groaning out while stretching to drink the potions and water. Although, as he brought the glass vials to his lips, he noticed that his arm was littered with scratches and bruises. Curious, he lifted the slit of the gown to see a large wrapping across his lower stomach and bruises in the shape of lopsided circles and rectangles travelling across his body.
Remus felt his face scrunch. Ever since the Marauders had become animaguses, he hardly sustained any injuries aside from the occasional limp or flimsy scratch. There was usually an absence of pain nowadays, not an overload of it.
What caught his attention was the scent of human blood. His senses were always heightened the week leading up to the full moon and the week following, so it was particularly strong. It caused his head to spin like planets performing a celestial dance.
Preoccupied with the scent, Remus didn’t notice someone slipping into the room.
“Hey, how are you feeling?” A fuzzy Peter came into view. He went to sit on the edge of his bed sporting a nervous look.
“Was wondering where you were.” Remus relaxed at his appearance.
“Yeah… Erm — been busy.”
Soon enough, another sharp pain stabbed at his abdomen again. “Fuck — what happened last night?”
Wormtail sucked in sharply as he wiggled in his seat uncomfortably. “I… something terrible happened. Bollocks, Moons — I’m sorry...”
Remus felt his spine prickle with needles. “What?”
“We should wait until Dumbledore or James comes back.”
“Dumbledore?!”
Ghostly pale, Peter was on the verge of fainting. Remus took another deep inhale. This time, he smelt blood, but it was coming off of Peter and a few other foreign scents lingered on him. Was that… Y/N? And… Snape? Remus scanned Peter, noticing the droplet of red on his shoes.
“Pete,” his voice dropped to an icy whisper, “Whose blood is that?”
He remained quiet.
Remus moved to prop himself up on the bed. “What happened?”
As Peter spoke, every word made Remus recline into himself and he was left unsure of how to feel. The overload of information put him into a state of complete shock. His vision faded in and out, suddenly feeling very cold and dizzy compared to the hot weather.
He distantly heard Peter trying to gain his attention but stared blankly at the metal bed frame.
“Say something,” his friend tried, sounding desperate. He didn’t even know how long he’d been quiet for.
Remus worked through the betrayal in nine steps. It helped make sense of his emotions. To categorize them — making it easier to file away.
1. Shock & denial
“No,” he said, barely moving a muscle in his face. “That's impossible! Padfoot would never…”
Peter watched him pitifully. Remus’ eyes blinked rapidly, heart pounding. “I’m sorry.”
2. Process what happened (or try to)
“He… told… Snape?” He asked despite Peter repeating the story multiple times.
“Sirius was mad at Sniv — Snape, and he was provoked by —”
“I didn’t hurt him, did I? I didn’t hurt anyone?”
“He’s fine.”
“Then why won’t you tell me what happened to me? Why was I bleeding?”
He refused to look him in the eyes and Remus felt terror ebb it's way through his skin. “Answer me!”
“As I said, L/N and Snape got into a row… she heard Sirius tell him and she went to save him…”
“Don’t you dare lie to me.”
Wormtail took a deep breath. “You… nicked her a bit and James’ antler broke off in you because… he was trying to get you off of her…”
Remus was rooted in place. What Peter just said was unreal. His stomach twisted painfully. He blinked. “Y/N’s hurt? I hurt her?”
“Yes — no! That was Snape —” “Is she here? Did I bite her?”
“You didn’t and yeah but —” “Move out of my way.” He pushed himself up wobbly.
“You lot a lot of blood, sit —”
“Get out of my way!” He threatened. Remus pushed Peter to the side, clambered to his feet. Remus gripped the bed tightly and felt a few seams rip open and blood began to faintly seep through his white bandages.
He staggered around, ripping back the curtains until he saw Y/N. Limping up to her bed, Remus almost burst into tears when he saw her. She looked so tiny, curled up and engulfed in blankets and pillows. Her ankle was propped up, head bandage and skin dull.
It felt like Peter had poured a bucket of freezing cold water on him.
He hurt her. Almost got her and Snape killed or infected. Could have hurt Prongs and Wormtail…
He was a fucking monster.
He should be put down.
From how loud he was, running around the wing, Y/N’s eyes fluttered open. She attempted to stretch, groaning out in pain. But then, her eyes flickered up to him and she froze. Her hand shot up protectively to her chest and face as instinctively went for her wand but stopped. Genuine fear flashed through her, making Remus instantly want to cry. It felt like an eternity passed as she gripped her sheets and opened her mouth.
She was going to scream — to take him away — call him a monster — to cry or yell for Madam Pomfrey or —
But Y/N’s body relaxed. A tried smile twisted and gaze dissipated with fear, replaced with nothing but understanding and softness; she even went as far to touch his hand but Remus wrenched it back.
“Ta-da!” She croaked. “I lived.”
Remus didn’t smile, only staring horrified.
“Yeah, that was a hit or miss...” Peter interjected. He stood behind him, ensuring that if he fell, he’d be there to catch Remus. He continued to stare like she grew another set of eyes.
“What?” Her grin deflated. “Am I that irresistible?”
That pulled a breathy laugh from Remus as he shook his head. Why wasn’t she disgusted with him?
“Thank Merlin, you’re both awake.” All their heads turned to James’s floating head before he pulled off the invisibility cloak.
James moved to pull Remus into a large hug, whispering an ‘I’m sorry’ into his ear. He held him for a while before breaking off, going to embrace Y/N who wheezed.
“Ouch.”
“My bad, my bad!” He pulled back and slipped into bed with her. Peter forced Remus to sit on the edge of her bed while he stood.
A million thoughts ran through his head. He wanted to get away, to run — not even be in the same room as her. Remus wanted to think, to make any sense of what happened.
What the fuck happened? He couldn’t even process it.
She remembered everything, right? Surely she wouldn’t be this calm had she.
“Oh, wait — Lupin, are you alright? I swear a deer came at you last night.”
James chuckled out loud, breaking Remus out of his thoughts as he looked at him and Peter. “I guess there’s no point for secrets anymore.”
Y/N looked at them questioningly, her eyes squinting from the bright light before Peter went to close the blinds shut. James got off the bed, smiling widely at Remus and Peter got onto the bed instead.
“Ugh — Pete? James? What —”
A loud gasp ripped from her mouth as she jerked away from James who turned into a very large stag and Peter into a fat brown rat.
Remus could almost cry at how comical her face looked.
James was so large that he had to take a few steps back to prevent his antlers from poking one of their eyes out and Remus noticed that one was gone.
He felt sick again. A hand drifted to his stomach.
“Holy shit! Oh my god!” Y/N went to graze a finger on Peter’s fur before turning to James with shaky hands to touch one of his antlers and patting him on the head. She was speechless as her mouth open several times before forcing out, “You're really Bambi!”
James turned back, taking his glasses off to clean. “I wanted to be a lion — for Gryffindor, y’know.”
“You can’t choose, I wouldn’t be a rat.” Peter grimaced.
“They’re highly intelligent. Nothing to worry about.” James reassured and ruffled his hair.
“When did you guys learn to do this?”
“We’ve been at it for three years now. We finally were able to do it in August before school started.”
She shook her head, staring in awe.
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Dumbledore came to speak to everyone later that day.
Remus had been dreading it once he came into the wing and began speaking to Y/N, a buzzing sound filling his ear. All Remus was left to do was twiddle his thumbs, waiting and completely disoriented.
When he finally approached him, Dumbledore lost his usual twinkle in his eyes. He made sure to close the long vertical blinds and again, the room filled with a low buzzing sound.
“How are you doing?” He asked. Remus, had he been in the right mindset, would have prevented the scoff escaping him. Dumbledore didn’t react but continued. “Miss L/N is recovering well and Mr. Snape didn’t receive any injuries. Just a fright.”
Remus nodded, that was good, but he remained quiet.
“Snape’s been persuaded to act accordingly for the best interest of his fellow pupils and L/N gave her word.”
Remus choked back a laugh. Snape was going to, no matter what, let his secret slip somehow.
“You’re also exempt from the Transfiguration exams, both you and Miss L/N. You’ve both sustained a degree of varying head injuries and you’ll be graded on a cumulative from McGonagall.”
Dumbledore was forcing Remus to the edge as he bit down on his inner cheek. It was useless to listen to him. “Are you expelling me?”
“No. You should not bear any blame.”
“Dumbledore, no offence, but are you mental?” Remus sputtered adding, “I endangered four students last night.”
“Yes but —” “The next time we won’t be so lucky. I’m a monster, sir. I should be.”
The headmaster sighed. “Remus, give yourself a bit of credit. Think highly of yourself.”
Remus gave a dry laugh, almost baffled at how Dumbledore was acting. Did he just gloss over the fact he could have gotten students infected? He wouldn’t be able to live with himself had he. “How can I?”
“Well Y/N seemed to think very highly of you. She made you a very compelling case along with your friends, Potter, Pettigrew and Black.”
“Black’s not my friend,” Remus countered. He didn’t care about how rude he was being.
“Remus —”
“Is he expelled?”
“No.” The answer had Remus wheeling, anger spiking. “He’s not.”
“Why not? If it isn’t my fault, that I’m not to blame then why isn’t he? He told them how to find me.”
“I understand that this is a very difficult situation and rest assured, Sirius will be punished. I can promise you. But expulsion isn’t the answer.”
Remus refused to look at Dumbledore and he must've realized he was getting nowhere with him. He stood but before leaving, he gave a pitiful look.
“I have done terrible deeds, indulged in foolish pranks that I have lived to regret, but each has been a valuable learning experience. It’s a pity that it came to this. Learn in your heart to forgive, Remus. The world is already filled with too much hate.”
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June 16th, 1976
3. Sadness & pain
Remus had been avoiding the Marauder’s dorm. He’d gone as far as begging Madam Pomfrey (who’d taken pity because she knew what happened) to let him stay another two nights before getting kicked out. Remus always healed physically faster and his wounds were already healed by the third day. Pathetically, he’d been sleeping in dingy passageways or the prefects’ bathroom before relocating after being harassed by the ghosts.
Remus had a plan, avoid them; skip classes, get longer prefect duties, never staying in one spot for too long. He wouldn’t know what would happen if Snape saw him. Although, whatever Dumbledore told him, it kept Snape quite so far. But tonight, he got tired of Moaning Myrtle sobbing.
Before curfew, Remus made it a habit of visiting Y/N, who was still stuck in the wing; both out of guilt and because she was his friend, but he couldn't stay for long — seeing her like that made him wallow in guilt.
Similar to him, Lily had visited, along with the other girls, every day. Today, Lily stayed a little longer, bleeding into the time Remus usually dropped by. He watched as Lily whisper into her ear, causing Y/N to laugh and Lily blush madly as she sat snug by her side. Not wanting to ruin their moment, Remus went to leave before they had the chance to see him.
Remus had another pressing matter anyway.
He entered one of the nearest bathrooms to give himself some sort of pep talk and stared at the mirror.
You can do this. A voice echoed in his head.
Typically, memories from the full moon came back to Remus a few days or even weeks later, his brain usually too foggy a couple of hours after and even then, he would never fully remember everything. He vaguely remembered seeing a flash of Snape’s face and Prongs but Y/N’s screams were one of the clearer memories from that night.
“REMUS! PLEASE REMUS! STOP!”
Remus looked to stare at himself in the mirror. He observed the scar on the bridge of his nose, feeling bile rush up his throat at the sight.
He was a freak, littered with scars covering himself.
He was disgusting.
Ugly.
Pathetic.
Dangerous.
A monster!
4. Anger
Sirius Black had always been loyal, so what changed that night?
He needed to leave. It was no good staying here anymore.
Remus was shaking with rage, twinged with hurt. He paced outside of the common room door and had a few options running through him. Either start a huge fight with Sirius or just… ignore it.
Avoidance.
Maybe he could ignore Sirius forever? Impossible, surely. Sirius would get bored, anxious within a couple of weeks — that was too generous — a few days sounded right.
With his mind made up, Remus crept up to his room. He could hear the faint shouts of James and pondered about just sleeping in the common room or prefects’ bathroom. Even if he did have to listen to Moaning Myrtle.
Maybe because his senses were still coming down from its peak or James was just brash, but Remus didn’t even have to press his ear on the door.
“— done ENOUGH! — hear me? You better — why are YOU crying? You bloody — understand? Understand?! You will not talk — him — best friends my —”
The only person he's told he was coming back was Wormtail and it sounded like he told Prongs.
Remus didn’t care to listen anymore as he pushed open the door. Pete was sitting on his bed, eyes wide at Remus’ presence surrounded by unwrapped wrappers. He always tended to eat while stressed.
Sirius was looking down at the floor as James stood in front of him, scolding him like a child. But, his head shot up once he walked through the door. Out of his peripheral vision, he could see his eyes bloodshot, puffy and circles dark. He didn’t dare look at him.
Remus didn’t acknowledge them, instead moving robotically to the bathroom, changing into his holey yet comfortable clothes before scurrying off to bed, swinging his curtains shut before casting a silencing spell around.
He’d plan to adhere to his avoidance strategy. It worked so far.
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June 18th, 1976 | 1:29 am
“Psst… Moony.”
Remus turned over to face him. “What do you want Peter?”
“Just wanted to check up. You okay?”
“What do you think? Please, leave me alone.” And then closed his bed drapes.
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June 19th, 1976 | 11:37 pm
Peter had crept up to his bed again as Remus laid there awake, thoughts swarming him.
“I’m not in the mood. I’m tired.” He moved to turn over and forced his eyes closed.
Peter had been nothing but amazing. Always thinking about him and his needs but what Remus wanted most was to be alone and Peter's pity and worried features did nothing but make Remus feel like shit.
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June 21st, 1976
In life, there are few things that are certain. Getting older, death, taxes… No matter how hard we try, no matter how good our morals are or our intentions, we all will eventually make mistakes. It’s either as small as burning your food or writing the wrong answer down on a test, but you’re also going to fuck up pretty bad and hurt people. Say something — do something you don’t mean and it’ll end up with both sides hurt. If you want forgiveness, there’s multiple solutions to gain that back, but the two words — obvious, there, waving in front of your face — can be the hardest words to say.
“I’m sorry.” Black muttered for the hundredth time that night. His voice was pushing Remus to the edge as he kept his face straight. Dead. Not once taking Sirius’ shitty apology baits. He continued to stare down at his book, reading silently in his dorm. His teeth hurt from how hard he was clenching his jaw.
Remus was right, of course, he was fucking right. Black had grown anxious as he ignored him.
“I’m sorry.”
Remus never really considered himself violent. Sure, he’s gotten into rows that ended with a punch or hex here or there, but Remus didn’t have violent thoughts. If anything, he prided himself on not being a bonehead like Black and Prongs. But, it took every ounce not to beat the shit out of Black right there and then.
Bastard. Scumbag. You mother fucking betrayer.
Remus never liked not being in control. Not having it scared him too much, feeling more animal than man. He did everything to avoid being violent, the wolf was already violent enough and had too much control and Remus refused to let it dictate human him. There was already too much violence, he never wanted to contribute more.
He did everything not to be a monster. But it's like the wolf roared from deep within, scratching and begging to let him pounce.
Remus wasn’t violent — anyone who met him would vouch for that. Fuck, if he saw a spider, he would open a nearby window and release it. But now, he wanted to slam Sirius against a wall and wrap his hands around his neck and squeeze.
You piece of shit. Wanker. Twat. I want you to feel as much pain as I do.
“Moony, please let me explain —”
All the words suddenly blurred before Remus slammed his book shut, causing to become still and quiet.
Sirius trying to explain — excuse his actions — pushed him over the edge. Remus sent a venomous glare at Sirius, waiting for him to talk. His quietness made everyone uneasy.
Selfish bastard.
Any sympathy Remus held for him this past year, along with any logic, evaporated to the point where he felt a rabid thump spread through him. There was a desperation to relieve himself of it — lash out, scream, cry —
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it,” the rest of the Marauders watched the scene, knowing not to get involved. “It was a mistake and —“
“A mistake?”
Sirius perked up at this. That was the only word he’d spoken to him since the incident. “Honest. I did it because —” “Shut the fuck up.” Remus stood, tall and loomed over Sirius. He could almost smell the fear off him.
He had never been so mad before.
“I — I… I,” stutters Remus. But instead of it being out of shyness or nerves, it was out of pure wrath that he wasn’t able to articulate his emotions properly. He took a deep breath in, attempting to regain control over his emotions but failed as he burned with deep, seething hatred. “I am the monster that mothers tell their children to keep them in at night.”
“Moony —”
“Don’t call me that!” His voice boomed so loud that everyone in the room had to take a step back and shrink down. Remus was always so reserved, only ever lashing out in annoyance close to the full moon but nothing more.
“Living up to your name, aren’t you?” There’s a sarcastic, bitter humour lilt to his voice.
Someone so in control of his emotions, someone with an unbreakable exterior, the only glimpses they’d ever seen of Remus losing control was him snapping at someone close to the full moon but would later apologize within mere seconds. But to see him like that… it was an intrusion, something the Marauders hadn’t ever seen or wanted to before.
“Please, just calm down so we can talk.”
Remus paces around the room. “You — y’know I’ve never understood why everyone lets you get around treating others like shit. First, it was Marlene, James, me, Peter, Lily and Y/N — we all let you get away with it. Outburst after outburst, we all sat back because you were going through shit. But I can’t? I’m not allowed to get angry?!”
Sirius wouldn’t look at him.
“Look at me.” Remus kept his voice low throughout the ordeal, only ever raising if Black interjected. “You coward, look at me!”
5. A lot of anger
He couldn’t meet his eyes so he settled to stare at the scar across his nose. It only angered him more as Remus picked Sirius up and pushed him against the wall as he fisted his shirt.
“I’m sorry.”
Sorry is nothing but a word to you. I gave you my most trusted secrets. I confided in you. I was there for you when you needed it. I loved and cared for you like my own brother but I was nothing more than a pet that you discarded when you got bored. You’re only guilty because of the repercussions you’re facing. Your guilt isn’t nearly enough. Bastard. I trusted you. You’re a Marauder. My best friend. I would’ve done anything for you. You fucking ruined it.
“You did this! You did!”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
He laughs, mocking and loud, void of any emotion. “No, you aren’t. You’re never fucking sorry!”
Stupid fucking selfish arsehole.
“For years you’ve told me that you accepted me — cared for me — loved me like your own brother! That what I am — a-a monster — that it didn’t matter!”
“It didn’t mean anything, I promise! It was a shitty, fucked up prank —”
“A prank?! You used me as a weapon! A toy because how could anyone ever love a werewolf?” Remus’ voice was so low. “You’ve never respected me. If you had any, you wouldn’t have — you - wouldn’t....”
Everything came crashing on Remus at once.
6. The realization settles in
And after nine days, Remus Lupin had finally realized what Sirius Black had done. Before, everything he felt had been true but he hadn’t fully realized the gravity of what happened, as silly as it sounds.
Sirius turned his worst fear into a living nightmare.
In the background, one of James’ Quidditch posters, encased in glass exploded, shattering into millions of pieces from the amount of pure magic radiating off Remus. He didn’t even flinch at the sound.
James finally interjected, placing a hand on Remus’ shoulder. “Lay off him… He isn’t worth it.”
Remus eased off Black instantly. “You had no right… no right…” He pointed. Remus turned his face down as he felt tears build up.
“I trusted you,” he whispers. “Every bit.”
Remus stormed out of the dorm, going to sleep in the common room.
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June 22nd, 1976
7. Depression
When Remus finally let himself cry, he didn’t make a move to leave his bed. Even skipping meal times, leaving James or Pete to bring him food.
Everything felt suffocating, a gnawing feeling that made every part of him ache. Remus couldn’t handle anymore pain or emotions from ‘the prank’ as he felt himself slip into a temporary void.
He hugged his pillow tighter and closed his eyes once more.
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June 23rd, 1976 | 11: 37 pm
Remus had gone straight to bed again, effectively shutting up the rest of the dorm. James was ignoring Black, leaving Remus surprised that he hadn’t made a move to defend his actions. Nonetheless, he was appreciative still. Peter had been trying to appease everyone, not taking sides but still must’ve thought Sirius was in the wrong because he hadn’t talked to him much.
He didn’t ask James to choose between him or Black. Remus was never one for ultimatums but even then, it seemed like James picked him. He was beyond furious, seemingly more than Remus at this point who pathetically wallowed in his depression. He wouldn’t spare Black a second glance, wouldn’t talk to him, shut him down if he tried to speak to him. Hell, he’d even gone as far as to make it very clear to the entirety of Hogwarts that they were no longer friends, making sure to not sit with him, ever. Always choosing to sit by Remus.
They chose his side and a part of Remus felt elated to know they had his back.
This left Black alone, looking at them through tearful gazes. Remus had been ignoring all of them and they seemed to be understanding, avoiding crossing the wordless boundary Remus set in stone.
But, both James and Peter had been checking up on him nightly, always there and he could tell they were getting impatient.
When the lights went out, he heard James crept out of bed. Usually, Remus would find some sort of comfort in knowing who was approaching him, but now, it only left him feeling uneasy.
And then he felt the bed dip and James muttered out a spell.
“Hey, Moony.”
Remus didn’t face him. “Prongs?”
“Hey,” there was a loud sigh, “Do you need anything?”
What was he supposed to say? A hug? To talk? He’d much rather use his avoidance strategy, although he realized it left him alone with too many thoughts and nobody to confide in.
“M’good.” He felt James place a hand on his shoulder.
“I’ll always be there for you. That’s what Marau - that’s what friends are for, no?”
Remus didn’t answer and felt James move to leave. But before he had the chance to slip out, Remus peeked his head from the drapes, announcing just loud enough for Sirius to hear.
“Thanks for saving all of us, James. You’re a true friend.”
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June 24th, 1976
People had their poisons.
Alcohol can make you forget. It blocks out everything and makes the rest of the world fade away until you can’t remember. People gambled to feel a rush, only to realize they dug themself into irreversible debt. Shopping, food, the high from risky behaviour…
But how we manage our poisons is up to the person.
People love to deny that they have addictions. They deny they’re hooked, they deny that they can’t put it down, they deny that they’re scared or want to stop. People only see what they want to see, believe what they want to believe.
And then the truth becomes muddled with lies that it’s hard to recognize the poisons sitting right in front of us. And all we want is more.
For Remus, his poison, his bright red self-destruction button, was smoking.
Granted, he never was a big smoker, typically only smoking when stressed or bored. But he still did it, filling his lungs with poison. But maybe he was wired like that. Besides, what werewolf lives past thirty? Might as well die revelling in the poison that brought him ease…
Remus conjured a ball of bright fire from his hand; fishing out a pack of cigarettes, slipped it past his lips and lit it. He inhaled, feeling the familiar, comforting feeling before dragging it from his lips, blowing out the thick cloud of smoke that left him wanting more.
He’d been sticking to his avoidance tactic strictly now. The Marauders were hovering over him, worry evident on their faces. A few times, Lily and James both invited him to sit. They never fought anymore, or at least in front of him, and it probably was his doing — a group effort into getting him to talk.
So even Lily knew something was wrong… Snape probably told her…
The door clicked open and Remus didn’t have to turn around to know how it was.
“Leave me alone. I’m not ready to talk.”
“Wasn’t gonna make you.”
He spun around, that wasn’t James or Peter. His face softened.
“Well… I’m not,” Y/N said simply, “But the others are about to.”
Remus groaned at that but Y/N smiled and turned around, ushering him over with a little wave. In one hand, she raised the Marauder’s map. “C’mon, I know a place and that they won’t be able to find.”
Remus was intrigued. He stepped out the butt of the cigarette, flicked it into the trash and followed her. Surely he’d already been there but being with Y/N seemed ten folds better than being around the other Marauders.
He followed wordlessly, passageways flying through his head but she never stopped by them. Instead, she climbed onto a ledge, slipping into an area under a large curtain. He followed, eyes lighting up in awe. He’s definitely never been there before.
“Get comfortable,” she said, flinging him a pillow and lighting a few candles.
They sat opposed to each other in complete silence. Y/N flicked back and forth, watching James and Peter scrabble around the castle looking for him. A few times, they passed by, each time leaving Y/N amused.
Remus tapped his leg anxiously. The question remained: Why wasn’t she disgusted with him? Why was she helping him? Why wasn’t she afraid?
Now alone together, those questions dangled on his tongue.
“Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
She looked up at him, finally putting down the map. “Because you’re Remus.” She said, like it was the most obvious answer. “You’re not scary.”
8. Hold onto doubt
The answer irritated him. Another memory unfolded then and he blurted it out. “Why didn’t you cast any spells at me?”
Her brows rose, “I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“I’m dangerous.” His voice was bleak and cold. “Why can't you grasp that?”
She stays quiet for a long time, her head turning to look out the large window. Y/N watched the owls and labyrinth of ancient trees of the forbidden forest and Remus was painfully aware of time slipping by.
“Do you remember that night on the astronomy tower on Halloween? I said that there’s bound to be someone looking at the moon at the same time?”
It takes Remus a moment to remember, but he does. “Yeah. You said that it’s like you’re not alone.”
Y/N turns around to face him. “Exactly. You don’t have to be alone in this.”
He looked away, deliberating. “It’s one thing for me to be alone but then drag you and others down with me.”
“Remus, I’m not going to lie and say I wasn’t scared. I was terrified. I thought that was it.” He gulped. “But I could never be scared of you. The real you - the you right now. I don’t care about what you are. You are more than just a werewolf. I feel safe with you.”
The dark shadows surrounded them as she reiterated herself. “You don’t have to be alone in this.”
He soaks in her words for a while. This time, peering out the window as he breathes in deeply.
Okay. He decided.
“Do you want to know how I got —” he pointed at a scar on his upper forearm. “— this?”
She nodded her head.
“When James turned into his animagus form to show me for the first time, his antlers pierced my skin. I had to lie to Pomfrey and say I fell while playing Quidditch.”
Any invisible barrier between them crashed instantly as she smiled brightly and laughed. So infectious, Remus couldn't help but flash a real grin.
He never realized how beautiful her smile was.
“Oh, and if you ever tell anyone about this place, I’ll skin you.”
“I would never.”
Remus scouted over to her, pressing his back against the cool stone as they sat together in a comfortable stillness. But then she shifted, opening her arms wide. He lent in without hesitation and her arms flung around his neck, pulling him into a tight embrace.
He felt salty tears stinging in the corners of his eyes and let himself soak in her warm.
He really needed that.
Over her shoulder, he returned to watch the stars.
9. Acceptance
Remus learned from a young age that it was better to keep people at an arm's length. Get too close, they’ll dig, find out his condition, fear him and run.
He hates to say it, but he’s not surprised that his secret slipped out. He got too comfortable, got too close... It’s just that the Sirius component was surprising.
But maybe it wasn’t surprising. Ever since the beginning of the year, especially since winter break, Sirius had been reckless more and more lately, and he probably should have seen it coming. He was wild as a result of being freed from the confines of his rigid upbringing.
Sirius Black was unpredictable.
Sirius Black was dangerous when it came to secrets.
Sirius Black was one of his best friends.
Sometimes betrayal is so profound that there’s no way to fix what was lost. The damage is done, irreplaceable, unfixable.
If Remus was sure of anything by the end of that week was that,
a) James Potter and Peter Pettigrew were still his best friends,
b) He almost killed Severus Snape and Y/N L/N,
c) Y/N knew his secret and despite everything, continued to talk to him, support him, be there for him — she accepted him,
d) His walls went up a higher, became stronger and insecurities ran deeper,
e) Lastly, Remus Lupin would never, ever forgive Sirius Black for what he did. Never.
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【 Next Chapter 】
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