My Birthday and the Weekend!
My birthday has never had a great importance. In care sometimes it’s forgotten or not celebrated or just not cared about. So i’ve learned to not care so it doesn’t hurt when I celebrate it alone. I still had great years of birthdays. When I was 13 and 15 I had awesome families who made me feel super awesome on my birthday. When I was 13 I got to go to whoohoos and had this 3 layer cake all to myself. When I was 15 I was given my foster moms bracelet that was her moms. She had always wanted to give it to her daughter. I still can remember that moment because I really felt like I actually belonged to someone. After that I was really lucky to have had my birthday remembered let alone celebrated. I thought this birthday would be worse. Not having anyone remember it and sitting outside a bank cold and wet with no home. I couldn’t stop but be the grinch I was so negative into thinking how unlucky my birthday is. How birthdays just must be one of those holidays everyone lights on fire to be something great when it just highlights the biggest day of the year to just being horrible.
But it wasn't... I celebrated with AWESOME new friends who made me feel super special! Thank you Soooo much Sierra and Sarah! By the time I got in town I was able to shower and get ready for a girls day. We went to olive garden, saw heaven's for real, had my free dutch bros, and explored the village! I found out that lush is coming to the village which is super awesome for Idaho! I just got to feel like a 20 year old with no problems for once! I actually forgot i'd have no place to go to until Sarah asked me what i'd do for the night. She was so generous and offered me her bed. Which, was nice not to stress about somewhere to sleep.
I'm so independent it's really hard to ask for help. To ask for a place. To be okay and except a place. It's also my shyness i'm trying so hard to just outgrow. Sarah's family was so nice and they really are just sweet people. I was happy to be there and help out. It beat hanging around my foster moms any day! Although I think from sitting in the rain it brought out a ton of my allergies and thats been crazy to deal with. I don't have my inhaler and my allergies set off my asthma! So I just feel a little off and short of breathe! My foster mom kept texting me throughout sunday to just come home so we can talk. I told her if I was going to her house i'd need to spend the night. She texted me back that wasn't a problem. So I thought maybe we can again work things out for a few weeks. I really need a few weeks to figure out school. Once that's finished I don't care if I sleep on the road. Or in the shelter or a freaking dessert!
Getting to the house I felt sick again. It gave me so much anxiety. I almost just backed out of it and asked Sarah to just stay again. She is moving to a new place though and has a lot going on. I pulled on my big girl panties and got in the house.
She was really quiet and looked bitter. I was scared that she found my blog or that my brother had shown up or something. I was actually scared of her for once. I sat on the couch and waited for her to talk to me. When her tv show was a commercial I asked her how her daughters was. she said good and shrugged. I figured she wasn't talkative and we could be peaceful so I Walked downstairs she had thrown my cloths from drawers to the floor, from my closet to the floor. She had taken my doll and tossed it on the pile like it was nothing. That doll has symbolized my every home, my every parent, my every hurt. My mother gave me that doll. It was already enough that she broke my vase. It's not like my doll was broken it's that she didn't care. I sat in the pile and just cried. I walked up stairs for water. Her mood completely changed once she had seen I had cried. She was happy like she had just achieved something she didn't ask why I was sad she didn't care. She never had. I hate when I cry! My face turns read my eyes look like they exploded and my eyes look glossy. And it doesn't go away for a while!
Seeing how happy she was I couldn't let her get to me so I wiped my eyes cleaned my face and just went to bed. I woke up a bit stronger. I wasn't afraid. She can't hurt me. She can't tell me she wants me out without throwing my belongings to the middle of the floor thats her deal. So I took a shower, got ready for school. I walked upstairs and she told me she was offended that I wasn't back on my birthday. That she had bought me treats. I thought her giving me her new iPhone was my birthday treat. She switched to a google phone I took over her iPhone 5. Plus This lady is crazy she kicked me out! I was suppose to show up and know she'd wanna just tell me happy birthday? I told her how sorry I was that I thought she wouldn't want me back. She told me she didn't want me back to sleep but for her to be able to say happy birthday. I told her I was sorry but my birthday had never been that important. She told me that I didn't need to be that way that I had loved my birthday especially when I was a little girl. Mind you I hadn't been until I was 17! I told her that I didn't know her when I was little and she had gotten so mad. She threw the cup she was holding at the sink and told me that I ruined everything. With my mothers past I just was really scared by cup breaking by her anger. I just stood in shock for a minute like I was comatosed. She just sat there screaming to get out of her house that I made everything bad that she wants me bad that she'd get me back for this.