I think Shaq is my Mom. How can I get my DNA tested to find out?
in true University of Chicago fashion, we need to take this back to first principles. specifically — is DNA the correct kind of test to run to prove that Mama Shaq, Mama Shaq, Shaq’s your mom, that’s a fact? to answer that question, we consult the primary source documents on such matters of Scav importance.
Firsthand Statements from Hot Side Hot
we have two statements on record from Hot Side Hot about Mama Shaq. the first, hidden in an otherwise controversial missive from a judge on May 10, 2010, states simply thus:
8. Mama Shaq. Mama Shaq. Shaq’s your mom. That’s a fact.
later that same day, a missive from another judge reads:
3. As stated earlier by Cynthia, Mama Shaq. Mama Shaq. Shaq’s your mom: that’s a fact!
so, we have it on record as early as May of 2010 that the judges know that Shaq’s your mom. however, i have been heretofore unable to conclude from recorded statements from Hot Side Hot how they came to this conclusion so soon. so, we must consult other documents promulgated by Hot Side Hot in order to shed light on the veracity of this claim, and evidence supporting it.
Previous Scav Hunt Lists
The List is the canonical missive of Hot Side Hot. we have many years of The List that we can analyze in order to shed light on how the Judges know whether Shaq is, in fact, your mom.
other than the 2011 item requesting scavvies to promulgate the veracity of Shaq’s maternity, there is only one other Scav Hunt item that mentions Shaq. the 2004 list states:
242. What's the Big Aristotle's take on fowl trouble? Write an editorial for Shaq's Chicken Herald. [6 pizzles]
in addition to being a reference to the delicious (albeit nonparental) establishment, Harold’s Chicken Shack, this is also a reference to Aristotle’s treatment of the concepts of actuality versus potentiality (the chicken and egg problem) in his Metaphysics. he concluded that an object could only be potentially something if there was, in fact, the actual something that such object could become. there is no potential for Shaq to be your mom unless Mama Shaq already existed. and, since we are well familiar with the potentiality of Mama Shaq, then Mama Shaq must be actuality as well.
one other item may help shed light on this important problem, and bolster this conclusion that Shaq’s your mom. item 46 of the 2014 list requests:
46. Your DNA fingerprint art, at judgment. [9 points]
DNA Fingerprint art is a modern, semi-abstract form of art that tries to give a visual form to where we came from. the first post that Hot Side Hot made in their judges’ blog after the aforementioned Judgment contained this semi-abstract, modern picture…the DNA fingerprint art of the Scavvie:
Conclusion
Mama Shaq, Mama Shaq, Shaq’s your mom, that’s a fact.