A confession? Maybe?
Just a few days ago was the closest I've come to actual suicide in a long, long time. I had everything planned: Where to jump from, how to get there, what to do with my belongings and even going as far as to text a friend to take care of my dog if anything happened to me.
The fact that I'm sitting here right now clearly means that I've not gone through with the attempt. At some point some part of me had realised what exactly I was attempting to do, and I ended up distracting myself. Which I've come to realise has been becoming increasingly common over the past few months. And that friend who I had texted about my dog called me after I stopped replying to her texts during my distraction period. It was only the day after that I realised how much that call helped, and how ridiculously draining the entire episiode had been. To tell the truth even as I'm typing this out a good three days or so after, I'm still drained from the entire incident, and I can still feel the urge lingering, just waiting for that one moment of emotional or mental breakdown to strike. As ridiculous and stupid as that sound.
:: WARING: POTENTIAL SPOILERS AHEAD ::
Watching 'ORANGE' this week was even more intense, and I'm glad I decided to delay the episode for a bit before catching up. While the episodes are usually quite intense and I'm left in tears at the end of every other episode, I was a crying wreck while the end credits played for the latest episode. It wasn't just the fact that I spoilt myself earlier about the series and that it makes what Suwa does even more painful and heartwrenching to watch, it wasn't just Naho's desperation or the jump cut to the future where everyone bough the late Kakeru presents that their High School selves had said minutes before that they were getting him for his birthday.
It was the fact that Kakeru was in some way, desperately searching for that one more thing to drive him to continue on to the next day. It was the fact that Kakeru didn't want to hear Naho's answer because he was terrified of going through with his suicidal thoughts while dating Naho. It was the fact that Kakeru didn't want to be a burden to his friends and only wanted nothing but laughter and happiness while with them. It was the fact that Suwa hammered the point home to Kakeru that it didn't matter that Kakeru was suicidal, they wanted to help.
It was the fact that what I had told my friend on Sunday over the phone, what she told me and made me promise in return was almost on point with what happened between Kakeru and Suwa.
Why am I writing this? I don't know. But what I do know is that this show is brilliant, so far from what I've watched and there's a part of me that's terrified to step anywhere near the manga even though I know that it's going to happen at some point eventually. But this show hits way too close to home, uncomfortably so in fact.
But I heard somewhere that writing things, telling people about it, getting things off your chest helps.
I really hope it does.