I guess it isn’t very late, it’s only 11:53 pm, but I’ve been thinking a lot recently and an unexpected text from my ex sent me spiraling deeper into my thoughts. This is less of a Late Night Thoughts and more of a Late Night Vent.
On Monday, February 25, 2019, I was diagnosed with Wolff-Parkinson-white syndrome, basically i have an extra electrical nerve pathway between the upper and lower chambers of my heart that causes increased, rapid heartbeat, and in extreme cases can lead to cardiac arrest and sudden death. As a teenager, this is extremely terrifying to me. While i do suffer from depression and the occasional suicidal thought, dying is my personal biggest fear.
The procedure i need is a cardiac catheter ablation. The doctor will put me under general anesthesia, another cause for concern because anesthesia doesn’t usually work for me, and will guide a few catheters through the artery in my leg up to my heart. Then, the doctor will freeze or burn the tissue in the extra pathway to render it useless. This whole process takes anywhere from 3-6 hours, if the procedure goes wrong it will take 8-10 hours. While the operation goes on there will be a degradable plug type thing in my artery, preventing me from bleeding out. They will also have to thin my blood to prevent my blood from clotting and causing mishaps during the procedure.
My biggest fear for this procedure, other than a complication, is the anesthesia not working very well, anesthesia has never worked very well for me and my family in general so putting me to sleep will most likely be difficult. I also fear the degradable plus in my artery won’t work and i will bleed out.
I’ve never had anything like this happen to me and Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome is very rare and it isn’t something i have developed, I was born with it. Another fear i have is that my (late) father had Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome and that is what could have caused his heart attack. When my mother and I were at our primary care-provider, he had to ask about my father’s death and autopsy to see whether my problems could be hereditary, it is. All i remember from that appointment is the doctor drawing a shaking sketch of a heart on the paper covering the table, talking about my fathers death to a complete stranger, and my mother clutching my hand in hers as she wept on our way home.
My mother has also temporarily banned my from caffeine out of fear that it will “short circuit” my heart. I’ve been drinking coffee since 6-months-old. I was born with wpws, one cup of coffee or hot chocolate a day will not change anything.
I am very scared and i feel i do not have a support system. That’s why I’m hoping Tumblr will work it’s magic and find me someone, somewhere who has dealt with or is dealing with the same thing I am.
In other news, I have finally decided on my after high school plans. I want to move to Cincinnati, Ohio, attend Xavier University to major in psychology and minor in social work. I also have a backup plan. If I didn’t end up attending Xavier, I would want to go to University of Cincinnati to major and minor in the same things. I don’t know why i decided on this, but I did. I hope I can live my dreams.
