Yippee Kiyay Merry Christmas!
So I figured the perfect time to teach y'all how to make a super simple Christmas treat would be late Christmas Eve when all of the shops are closed. But maybe you have these ingredients lying around in which case, good on you!
So I don't need to tell y'all what film this is for. Unless you have no idea what this shit is in which case, it's Die Hard. It's always Die Hard.
This year my housemates and I celebrated our house Christmas on Monday night and we had dinner and watched Die Hard together and I made snacks whose main ingredients are chocolate and candy canes. Because why the fuck not, right?
I wrote this article for Half Decent about my love of Die Hard and as y'all know I tried and failed completely to make a gingerbread version of Nakatomi Tower from the film. I'm going to try again tonight, so wish me all of the lucks.
Suffice it to say that I won't go into too much detail other than to say WATCH IT. WATCH IT NOW.
So what did I make for our event? I'll tell you, geez, give me a chance.
I've made these before for The World's End, but after finding this recipe on Pinterest I decided to modify the way I make them. So yeah, these are basically the 'better than sex' balls dipped in chocolate and topped with candy canes. Here's how I made them!
Here's the shit you'll need:
250g of Oreos or Delta Cream biscuits
250g of Cream Cheese
2 x 200g blocks of milk chocolate
Candy canes for the crushing and whatnot
They'll make about 30, depending on how big or small your balls are. He. He. He.
Ok, so don't crush the candy canes first. They'll be sticky when you actually need to use them for decorating. So what did I do first, you ask? I crushed the candy canes. I may have also said, 'should have double-bagged these,' which, incidentally is the name of my sex tape. Also this measuring cup was not that effective.
Then you crush the crap out of these suckers in a food processor or whatever.
Then you mix it with this crap. It wasn't quite soft enough yet so I whipped it before I added the biscuit crumbs. Then figured out it still wasn't quite soft enough. But it went ok.
See?
Roll 'em in balls. Hehe. Balls. Then pop them in the freezer for a while so they're firm enough to dip in dat chocolate doe.
There were hiccups but they look ok, right?
Because I was popping them into little patty cases I had to cut the excess chocolate off them before I popped them in said cases and cut most of the chocolate from the bottom off them. But I did have a lot of extra chocolate to eat. Because at this time of year chocolate is scarce. Because I've eaten it all.
Is that one of my hairs on them there on the right? Shit.
Ok, so you won't need all of that melted chocolate or candy canes. So what you can make with the leftover chocolate is Christmas Bark: melted chocolate smoothed out on a tray, and sprinkled with crushed candy cane.
See? Once it sets break it up and put it in a container. Or stuff it in your piehole. Could be the name of your sex tape?
Here's a close-up of one where you can see how sweaty the balls get! He. He. He. BALLS. I'm an adult.
Sweaty balls. They need to stay refrigerated because they're melted chocolate and cream cheese and those things don't stay solid for long, just like love. But they're beautiful while they last. I've been listening to a lot of Taylor Swift. AND I DO NOT APOLOGISE.
I made another batch and discovered the following trick: chuck the balls on a skewer and dip in the chocolate. Then instead of waiting for them to set before putting them in the patty cases just drop those bastards in there. Then when they're a little firmer you gently take the skewers out and patch up the hole with a little chocolate and stick more candy cane pieces on top. The melted chocolate sort of fills up the cases and makes them harder to peel off when eating but... fuck. They're delicious. Just eat the paper as well.
I made them as a little extra gift for my fams - I just bought some cheap mason jars and some ridiculously expensive red and white twine and tied it around the jars and attached a candy cane. I've also written the basic recipe on a gift card so they can make more of them when they've scoffed the ones I made! It helps us both because they get to eat more of them and I don't have to make any more for them. Win!
But srsly. Whatever holiday you're celebrating, have a good one, won't you?
Love from me, Sallie Cinnamon, who is not your real dad but damn it if she been there for you more often than the son of a bitch who ran out on you and your ma when you was little.
