Sallie Cinnamon

I like talking about film and television and I'm sort of ok at baking. This is the blog where I try to do both at the same time.

[salliecinnamon]

La-bread-yrinth?

I’m sorry. I’m very sad about Bowie and I’m a bit drunk and Tumblr confused me.

The Culture Trip

Hello! I haven’t posted for over a year and it’s because, well, I’m lazy. and since then I’ve moved houses then states and got Netflix. It’s been a wild time, you guys.

As you may have guessed, my first post of 2016 (maybe I’m being optimistic) is about Bowie and bread. I would have done better but I’m drunk on Moscato from which we finally removed a broken cork using a screwdriver and a hammer. It’s been sitting on the kitchen bench for about a month since the corkscrew was broken in it. It was delicious. But then, what do I know? I was going to make a shandy with Melbourne Bitter and Mountain Dew.

But on to Bowie. Everybody’s said everything and I’ve posted a lot on social media but the reason I love and will miss Bowie is that he pushed boundaries and changed cultures by doing what he loved. He lit the way for all those who came after him and he kept it burning. I’m gutted you’re no longer here but am so happy that I got to share this world with you for a little while.

There’s not much left to do but play his records, look at pictures of dogs and get to know your oven by baking some good old-fashioned cornbread. Or vegan cornbread. Because why not? Grab dat gem, as they say.

I found the recipe on Pinterest and this time I did not just search for ‘easy’ or ‘kids’ recipes. It’s from right here so you can go and make it yourself. Or not. I’m not going to tell you what to do. What do I look like, your soccer coach?

So these are the ingredients. I substituted polenta for cornmeal because 1) I couldn’t find any and 2) I couldn’t find any because I was looking at small Coles and Woolworths supermarkets, all of which if I’d stayed in any longer I would have gotten real stabby. So... it might not be the Best vegan cornbread, as promised by the recipe itself. Sorry. Also many of these things have lids and then some sort of seal. So my neighbours would have heard me opening things and saying, ‘oh, fuck off!’

Mix dry shit.

Add wet shit to dry shit. None of that sounds enticing, I know. But it’s ok. The recipe mentioned using vegan butter and dairy free milk of your choice. I chose Nuttelex, which I also find good for buttercream on cupcakes because it’s softer. Baking advice. Still crushing it. I also chose Almond Milk, mostly because I used it in a previous cornbread post, A Tale of Two Corn Breads, where I made on cornbread chock full of gluten and buttermilk, and one that was gluten and hopefully dairy free. That one had egg in it, and I had no idea what I could substitute so I just used a different recipe.

But the recipe said unsweetened apple sauce and all I had was... apple sauce. So I don’t know, guys. I just don’t know.

My friend Amy once said, you’ve got to get to know your oven. This is truth. She’s better at this than I am. I’ve taken my time baking in my oven. It’s gas and I’ve always had electric. I’ve already observed from cooking literally hundreds of microwave dinners in the oven that my oven takes longer than the recommended time when set at 180 dc (that’s degrees celsius. Yep, pretty cool), so I set it at 200. dc. Degrees Celsius. It still took longer than the 25-29 minutes specified in the recipe. I believe it ended up being about an extra 12 minutes. The reason I’m guessing is that I forgot to set a timer after a while. I was rewatching Secret Diary of a Call Girl. I just... when is Billie Piper going to return to her pop music roots? You know?

It looks alright! I’m suspicious. It’s got a bit of a grainy, crunchy looking texture. I’ll try some before I poison my coworkers. Probably.

I haven’t written anything much in a long time for various reasons and as my beautiful friend Viktor wrote, “there’s only way to process losing the maker... Make.” So this is me, trying to honour Bowie in some small way, by doing what I love again, however slowly.

Shine on, Diamond Dog.

[salliecinnamon]

Yippee Kiyay Merry Christmas!

So I figured the perfect time to teach y'all how to make a super simple Christmas treat would be late Christmas Eve when all of the shops are closed. But maybe you have these ingredients lying around in which case, good on you!

So I don't need to tell y'all what film this is for. Unless you have no idea what this shit is in which case, it's Die Hard. It's always Die Hard.

This year my housemates and I celebrated our house Christmas on Monday night and we had dinner and watched Die Hard together and I made snacks  whose main ingredients are chocolate and candy canes. Because why the fuck not, right?

I wrote this article for Half Decent about my love of Die Hard and as y'all know I tried and failed completely to make a gingerbread version of Nakatomi Tower from the film. I'm going to try again tonight, so wish me all of the lucks.

Suffice it to say that I won't go into too much detail other than to say WATCH IT. WATCH IT NOW.

So what did I make for our event? I'll tell you, geez, give me a chance.

I've made these before for The World's End, but after finding this recipe on Pinterest I decided to modify the way I make them. So yeah, these are basically the 'better than sex' balls dipped in chocolate and topped with candy canes. Here's how I made them!

Here's the shit you'll need:

250g of Oreos or Delta Cream biscuits

250g of Cream Cheese

2 x 200g blocks of milk chocolate

Candy canes for the crushing and whatnot

They'll make about 30, depending on how big or small your balls are. He. He. He.

Ok, so don't crush the candy canes first. They'll be sticky when you actually need to use them for decorating. So what did I do first, you ask? I crushed the candy canes. I may have also said, 'should have double-bagged these,' which, incidentally is the name of my sex tape. Also this measuring cup was not that effective.

Then you crush the crap out of these suckers in a food processor or whatever.

Then you mix it with this crap. It wasn't quite soft enough yet so I whipped it before I added the biscuit crumbs. Then figured out it still wasn't quite soft enough. But it went ok.

See?

Roll 'em in balls. Hehe. Balls. Then pop them in the freezer for a while so they're firm enough to dip in dat chocolate doe.

There were hiccups but they look ok, right?

Because I was popping them into little patty cases I had to cut the excess chocolate off them before I popped them in said cases and cut most of the chocolate from the bottom off them. But I did have a lot of extra chocolate to eat. Because at this time of year chocolate is scarce. Because I've eaten it all.

Is that one of my hairs on them there on the right? Shit.

Ok, so you won't need all of that melted chocolate or candy canes. So what you can make with the leftover chocolate is Christmas Bark: melted chocolate smoothed out on a tray, and sprinkled with crushed candy cane.

See? Once it sets break it up and put it in a container. Or stuff it in your piehole. Could be the name of your sex tape?

Here's a close-up of one where you can see how sweaty the balls get! He. He. He. BALLS. I'm an adult.

Sweaty balls. They need to stay refrigerated because they're melted chocolate and cream cheese and those things don't stay solid for long, just like love. But they're beautiful while they last. I've been listening to a lot of Taylor Swift. AND I DO NOT APOLOGISE.

I made another batch and discovered the following trick: chuck the balls on a skewer and dip in the chocolate. Then instead of waiting for them to set before putting them in the patty cases just drop those bastards in there. Then when they're a little firmer you gently take the skewers out and patch up the hole with a little chocolate and stick more candy cane pieces on top. The melted chocolate sort of fills up the cases and makes them harder to peel off when eating but... fuck. They're delicious. Just eat the paper as well.

I made them as a little extra gift for my fams - I just bought some cheap mason jars and some ridiculously expensive red and white twine and tied it around the jars and attached a candy cane. I've also written the basic recipe on a gift card so they can make more of them when they've scoffed the ones I made! It helps us both because they get to eat more of them and I don't have to make any more for them. Win!

But srsly. Whatever holiday you're celebrating, have a good one, won't you?

Love from me, Sallie Cinnamon, who is not your real dad but damn it if she been there for you more often than the son of a bitch who ran out on you and your ma when you was little.

[salliecinnamon]

#hunterstchristmas #yippikiyaymotherfuckers #diehard #ultimatexmasfilm

[salliecinnamon]

It's beginning to look a lot like Schwartzmas... #xmas #schwartzmas

[salliecinnamon]

In the special instructions we asked Crust if they could provide an inspirational @taylorswift quote...

[salliecinnamon]

And they delivered. #taylorswift #noitsbecky

[salliecinnamon]

Halloween 3: The Last Stand

Boo.

And now, the final battle between my terrible writing and your ability to read it begins.

The third film of my Halloween week is You’re Next (2011), directed by Adam Wingard (does he ever get called Wingardium Leviosa? If he’s friends with dorks, probably. Or friends with me). I remember it had quite a lot of buzz around its release and I wanted to see it, but just never got around to it. Until now, when I have little else to do. It seems right up my alley – nasty and violent. Now, I like nasty and violent done well – I don’t think the Saw sequels do it very well, for instance. And I wasn’t that enamoured of Hostel. I watched The Purge, which seems to have a similar premise, or at least involves kids in masks terrorising a family. I… did not like it. That is, I don’t think it made sense. And also, I didn’t think it was violent or nasty enough – I mean, the premise is particularly nasty, so why not just go with it? It’s not The Hunger Games.

Image source: Collider 

Speaking of just going with a nasty premise, let’s talk about You’re Next. And it ties in wonderfully with all that has gone before. It stars A.J. Bowen, Joe Swanberg, Amy Seimetz, and director Ti West from The Sacrament, and features Australian actress Sharni Vinson in the leading role, who coincidentally stars as Kathy Jacquard in the remake of Patrick. The writer Simon Barrett has also worked with directors Ti West and Adam Wingard on V/H/S (2012). I did not plan that, but it’s kind of beautiful, like the gods of Halloween were smiling up at us.

So, the premise: a family comes together in their Missouri vacation house for the parents’ 35th wedding anniversary. As soon as they’re all together it’s not too long until cracks in the happy veneer appear. And then literally when their family dinner is interrupted by someone with a cross-bow. The night descends into a battle of survival between the family and their masked assailants, who unfortunately didn’t count on one of the kids bringing home a psycho girlfriend to meet Mom and Pop. And she is not afraid to get dirty. And bloody.

I have to say, I did enjoy this. In terms of the aforementioned comparison to The Purge, this is way better. It’s a simple home invasion tale that is just tense and nasty enough to sustain you til the end. Sharni Vinson is pretty great as Erin, Crispian’s girlfriend who immediately takes control of the situation and is fairly frightening herself. I couldn’t help but feel a little patriotic as she rips through the bad guys. She’s like Crocodile Dundee, only incredibly murderous.

I also like the unresolved tension among the family and the motive behind the attack. I was hoping it would be random, because in a lot of ways that’s more terrifying – it’s the idea that it could happen to anyone. But as motives go, it’s unsettling enough. You’re Next isn’t a perfect film, but certainly if you want blood and guts with your suspense, it’s pretty good.

As this is the most violent of these films, a more violent looking treat is in order. Perhaps some shattered glass cupcakes?

The inspiration for these cupcakes are these Dexter-themed cupcakes made by Magnolia for the premiere of the series’ eighth season. It would have made sense to talk about Dexter and make the cupcakes, but... I don't play that way.

Image source: Magnolia Bakery

These look amazing, right? But they’re also Red Velvet, which I don’t particularly like. So I made chocolate cupcakes with vanilla buttercream instead.

For this I used the chocolate cupcake recipe I’ve previously used. I’ve both followed the recipe and not followed the recipe. I went crazy this time and followed the recipe. I also used this vanilla buttercream recipe. I substituted the cream for milk because I didn’t have any cream and couldn’t be arsed getting any. It was delicious anyway, so, you know, be a rebel, guys. Hashtag YOLO.

They turned out quite well, if I may be permitted to toot my own horn. So onto the bit where I inevitably stuff them up!

First, I needed to make sugar ‘glass shards.’ So I adapted the recipe I used for the Blue Sky Meth rock candy on my Breaking Bad cupcakes. Instead of colouring it or adding flavour I left it plain. And without any sort of thermometer to gauge the temperature I took it off the heat too early, making it extremely sticky and prone to melting.

But it looks great, yeah?

So onto the blood. Magnolia bakery made a caramel sauce, but after discussions with my housemate Lou we decided to make toffee and add red food colouring. So we did that and it looked pretty amazing.

Then, we carefully splattered it over the top of the cupcakes. 

Smashing the ‘glass’ was cathartic as usual and stabbing the cupcakes was also quite fun. Though we (ok, I did) got carried away with it, making it harder to stick the glass shards in without breaking the toffee ‘blood.’

We ended up with a fuck-tonne so we poured the rest out onto a tray and stuck toy insects and severed fingers (not real ones, obviously) in it and decided to make that the edible cupcake showpiece. Hmm. Hope none of that made it toxic...

Et Voila! Broken Glass cupcakes. Ok, so you can see the glass has melted a bit in these ones, but whatever, BROKEN GLASS CUPCAKES HOORAY.

I hope this was sufficiently interesting and inspires you to make your own Halloween treats. That’s ok if it doesn’t. I’m not that invested anyway. Sniff.

[salliecinnamon]

Halloween 2: Electric Boogaloo

It’s just a movie.

I’m back, like those Poltergeist things that little kid spoke about! It’s been awhile. Or, like, a day. I don’t know.

So for the first post (the post that hurts the most), I watched The Sacrament. It was aggressively fine. And now I’m going to watch the classic 1978 Australian horror film Patrick. While searching for images of the film I noticed there was a remake released last year with Charles Dance and Rachel Griffiths. I don’t know how I feel about that. Because I have no idea what the movie is like. I became aware of it via Quentin Tarantino. Apparently the Bride’s cute little tic of spitting while comatose is a nod to this film. Good times.

Image source: McBastard's Mausoleum

Right, Patrick. Basically, Patrick is a disturbed young man who, after having to listen to his mum bang a random stranger (which would be pretty horrific, I think), decides to electrocute them in the bathtub. An extreme reaction. And fucked up as hell. Three years later, a young British nurse named Kathy Jacquard starts at the Roget Clinic, a nursing home for the elderly and mentally ill. After being affronted with inappropriate questions and diatribes from the Matron, Kathy learns her main duty is to look after a now comatose Patrick. And if babysitting a comatose person sounds like relatively easy work for a nurse, his eyes are wide open and he occasionally spits at you.

Soon, strange things begin to happen around Kathy, leading her to think that Patrick is not nearly as brain-dead as everyone else seems to think.

Ok, so I’m probably going to have to spoil some of this for y’all, because my interest in this film is more academic. Soz about it.

Patrick was directed by Richard Franklin, an apparent protégé of Hitchcock. He also directed Psycho II. Now, I haven’t seen the sequel to Psycho, so I have no idea if that was actually necessary. But given my feelings on Psycho, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t. But there are definitely Hitchcockian touches in this film. Patrick is essentially an Aussie Norman Bates with some superpowers, who gets a better chance at making time with his Aussie Marion Crane. Franklin also uses suspense as opposed to flat out gore in the story, another play from Hitchcock’s book. And because it’s a horror film in the 1970s, you have to show some tits as well. What I find most interesting about the film is the character of Kathy. She’s our Marion/Final Girl and within the boundaries of the narrative she’s relatively progressive. She’s recently left a dissatisfying relationship, and she strikes up a new one primarily because she wants to discuss Patrick’s case. She’s also quite authoritative at work: she’s willing to stand up to Matron Cassidy and Dr Roget and she’s more than willing to discuss the strange events rather than keep them to herself. She refuses Brian’s help when her flat is trashed, believing it’s the work of her husband. For the most part, she moves the plot forward too. During the film’s climax she refuses to choose between the men in her life. Ultimately, she has to be rescued by her husband, which is disappointing but given the context and genre, I suppose it’s expected. And she is constantly pushed and pulled among various men: her husband, Brian, Dr Roget, and Patrick, but she still has a fair amount of agency in the film. She just has terrible taste in dudes. But I mean, so does Olivia Pope and that doesn’t stop her being a general badass. While Kathy is the smartest character, she still has to defer to authority most of the time, and the authorities either don’t care, or don’t understand. This is fairly common in slasher films and such, and as frustrating as it is it positions her as the one with the strongest chances of survival.

Anyway. I immediately started to Google whether there were any feminist critiques of the film. I’m sure there is. I might ask my feminist expert Jess.

So nerd stuff out of the way. What did I think of the film in a non-academic way? Well, to be honest… I didn’t like it that much. There was a lot of suspense, with not much pay-off.  I thought the premise, a murderous coma patient, could have more potential for real scares, but here he just breaks a lift and controls a typewriter for most of the film. I did like Kathy and I thought the nursing home exterior was beautiful. But that’s about it. And I just couldn’t help wondering why after three years of looking after Patrick they hadn’t yet dealt with his ridiculous monobrow?

Like The Sacrament, I think perhaps being classified as horror lets this film down. Part of the beauty of genre is that audiences can form expectations of the film without seeing it. But when the label is a little wonkus, your expectations can make for an unsatisfying experience. I think Patrick is worth the watch, just don’t expect gore. It does get tense in some parts. And it’s a classic. Everyone has to watch these things. So watch it. If I haven’t spoiled it for you…

Well, if you can stomach eating during horror films, here’s something to chew on while you watch. What better than some cartoon bones? You can at least hide the fact your teeth are chattering in fear. I found them on Pinterest here, but they're apparently a Disney recipe.

What you’ll need:

Pretzels – again, the stick ones

White chocolate – for the melting. Déjà vu?

Marshmallows – average size, not tiny or huge. White are probably better for this, but the coloured ones are fine.

These ones are really, really easy. Get your tray and your baking paper or whatever again. Then grab your pretzels. Again. But ah! Difference. Take those marshmallows and cut them in half. Then stick one half on each end of the pretzel. Here’s where it gets all familiar again. Melt your chocolate in whatever way you please. This is America, after all. Or Australia. Be careful with white chocolate – it melts quicker than milk or dark, in my experience. So sometimes I put it on for 20 seconds at a time.

Once it’s melted, dip the pretzel/marshmallow fellows in the chocolate and make sure it’s completely covered. Then pop them in the fridge or freezer to set.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy. 

That was the penultimate post – stay tuned for the last, great Sallie Cinnamon Halloween post. Woooooooooo.

[salliecinnamon]

Halloweeeeeeeeen

Spooky scary.

So it’s Halloween this Friday and I’ve decided to post a few different things on the blog. Well, two of them both involve pretzels and melted chocolate, but, like, one is milk and one is white chocolate, so… Sure showed you.

And since I’m making a few things I thought I ought to watch a few things to go with it. And I’m gonna watch some films I ain’t never seen before. That’s a double negative. But I don’t care because my brain is a little fried from Research applications, drama projects, and the sun. Literally. On Saturday I got super burnt and as a pale ginger this means that I cannot go outside ever again. Unless dressed in a beekeeper thingy.

Now I’m cheating a little because I’ve already made the goodies I’m gonna talk about. They were created for my Halloween themed birthday party I shared with my friend Erin. Needless to say, our costume game was on POINT, SON. Here’s mine:

I was Miranda from Picnic at Hanging Rock’s corpse. And Erin and her husband had the amazing couples costume of Dexter and one of his victims. My best mate Alisha and her girlfriend Bec were Lydia Deetz and Beetlejuice. They got pulled over by the cops on their way home from the party. I find this very amusing.

Image source: Bloody Disgusting

The point of this is that the treats aren’t really going to be that complementary to the films I’m watching. But that’s fine. First up is Ti West’s The Sacrament (2013). I’ve seen The House of the Devil (2009) and thought it was a pretty well crafted horror film. So I’m excited to see this one. I’m hoping to enjoy it a little more than Kevin Smith’s Red State (2011) (Spoiler alert: I enjoyed them roughly the same amount).

So I watched the film today and I must say I was pretty impressed for the most part. But before I get into that I should probably explain the premise for those unfamiliar with the film as I was.

Patrick is a freelance photographer who contacts Sam, who works for Vice, after his search for his missing sister yields some strange results. He receives word that his sister is living with a self-sustaining community who has moved out of the US. He is told to meet a helicopter that will take him to the community’s new location. Sam and a photographer Jake accompany Patrick in order to document his experience. Needless to say, it’s not a happy experience. It’s suspenseful and terrifying.

I’ve said this literally a bajillion times (and I’ve said ‘literally’ referring to a metaphorical number because I’m a basic bitch), but I find myself drawn to found footage horror films – they tend to be the subgenre that affects me most. I think it’s probably the idea that it’s more authentic because of the documentary style, or that you can’t always see everything coming because it borrows from the slasher film’s use of subjective POV to obscure the viewer’s vision to make the scares more shocking. Or is it the idea that because the footage appears unedited and is referred to as ‘found footage,’ it suggests that no one survives and creates tension through the building of empathy for the doomed characters. I dunno.

A lot of people are over found footage films, and maybe the only reason I’m so affected by these films because one of the scariest films I saw as a young person was a found footage film, but I can’t help it – I like them. And I thought The Sacrament managed to be a tiny bit of fresh air by being a little different in subject matter. That said, I don’t really have a clear sense of the point of it all – I never had a sense of why the residents were so willing to make this huge sacrifice to live in the community, or the point of Father’s actions. If you’re going to react so homicidally to the idea of a camera crew infiltrating your super secret, ridiculously secure community, why invite a camera crew to your super secret, ridiculously secure community in the first place? I think West probably could have deflected our attention away from asking these questions a lot better, but I didn’t totally mind while watching the film. The only other Ti West film I’ve seen revealed a similar approach and that is to take his time building a sense of dread and really letting loose in the third act – there’s always a point at which the characters descend into hell. In House of the Devil it’s when Sam, rapidly losing consciousness, reaches the door to the attic. Here, it’s just after the party when Sam (hmmm. Likes the name Sam) is starting to feel a little more comfortable (though he really has no reason to) and then receives a note from a small child saying ‘Please Help Us.’

What’s disappointing, I suppose, is that here it’s kind of a false start. We then have to wait even longer for the real nail-biting stuff and even then it’s not so nail-biting. Nail-chewing, I guess. And I think the issue here is perhaps the genre it’s been labelled with. It’s not quite horrific enough to be classed as a horror film. It’s more of a thriller. And I think it’s based loosely on a true story, that of the Jonestown massacre, but… well, Wolf Creek was loosely based on a true story, too. It is tense, and has moments of true horror, but it’s probably something you’ll be a bit disappointed by if you’re looking for something straight up Ka-ray-zay.  

So what spooky treats can you make to complement horror viewing such as this? Well, I have arbitrarily picked chocolate spiderwebs! Super, super easy. I was inspired after seeing these ones on Pinterest. My main source of all food type things.

What you’ll need:

Pretzels – the stick kind, not the curly thingo kind. You’ll need about 8 for each web.

Milk chocolate – one block, two blocks, the sky’s the limit, kid.

Fake spider – ornamental or edible. I chose ornamental. Because that’s all I had.

To begin, you want to get a tray and line it with some shit – baking paper or foil will do. I chose baking paper, and boy did I waste a lot that day! Then, you’re gonna arrange the pretzel sticks in a star-looking thing.

Next, melt the chocolate! You can do the double boiler thing where you melt it in a bowl over a saucepan of boiling water, but fuck that. Well, fuck that if you’re as lazy as me and you have a microwave. Put it in the microwave for around 30 seconds at a time, and stir each time. Chocolate pretty much keeps its shape, so just looking at it won’t tell you if it’s melting. Trust me. I’m an idiot. I’ve done things like this.

Once it’s appropriately melted, get a teaspoon and put a little bit right where the pretzels meet, to keep them together. Then, with a spoon, stick, or iphone, carefully drizzle the chocolate in a circle, covering the pretzels. Do that twice, or depending on the pretzels, more than that. I don’t know your pretzels, man.

Then, while the chocolate’s setting, sit your spider somewhere in the chocolate so it looks like it’s hanging out in that web. Put them in the fridge or freezer to set.

Mine were quite large, so I made the chocolate between the pretzels quite thick. And I made the mistake of moving some from the bench to the freezer without securing them properly. See if you can guess the best candidate for those ‘nailed it’ memes comparing Pinterest pictures with shit attempts at recreating them!

Until tomorrow… or, you know, some time before Halloween.

[salliecinnamon]

Key Lime Pie, in honour of Key and Peele

Sup, dawgs! It’s been a while since I baked anything and a while since I made anything relevant to the blog, but…. Shut up. I’ve had a very busy and fulfilling life. That’s a lie. But I have been watching a lot of television and had some social gatherings to attend. And then watch some more television.

Image source: The New York Times

One afternoon of general doing nothing one of my housemates suggested a Key Lime Pie for Key and Peele. And I did have a birthday/housewarming afternoon tea to cater for. So this seemed a perfect option. A Key and Peele Lime Pie, if you will.

Image source: The Washington Post

For those of you unacquainted with this particular program, Key and Peele is a sketch show co-written and performed by Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele. They’ve popped up in other shows: Jordan Peele was in an episode of The Mindy Project, and Keegan-Michael is the divine Donna Meagle’s gentleman friend in season six (and I hope season 7) of Parks and Recreation. They also appeared together in FX’s Fargo and were MADTV cast members.

One of the cool things about the series is that sketches have an individual hashtag and those that get the most social media traffic are uploaded to Comedy Central’s Youtube site, so you can find a lot of their best sketches very easily online. Read about how they do it here. They’re also extremely good at pop culture and so they appeal to fandoms, and to current film, television and politics.

Image source: Youtube

Another cool thing is that their sketches are a combination of parody and satire. Because they are both biracial (both Key and Peele have a white parent and a black parent), they use their comedy to explore race relations and what it means to be African American in the USA right now. Some of their strongest sketches play on stereotypes and cultural faux pas. One of my favourite sketches revolves around a Power Rangers-esque show called Power Falcons, in which the Green Falcon is constantly referred to as Black Falcon because Green Falcon is African American. It’s a simple premise for a joke but it works beautifully.

Image source: Youtube

It’s this ability to turn something simple into pure fried gold that I love about Key and Peele. Sketch shows can be perilous. Often a series will use the same characters repeatedly and the skill lies in making the same joke as funny as the first time. It’s something Key and Peele manages to achieve consistently. They also use recurring characters sparingly – they will either be used in conjunction with a variety of one-off sketches or they won’t be used in consecutive episodes.

Image source: Serial Optimist

Key and Peele are incredibly funny, intelligent and talented dudes and hopefully you will watch them and also stuff your face with a Key (and Peele) Lime Pie. Well, you’ll probably spit it out because you will be laughing so hard. But what remains will be tasty.

Key Lime Pie seems quite an American dessert. I am not American. Or a dessert. But TV has made it look delicious and so I decided to give it a try. But first, what the fuck is it?

I thought it was a kiwi fruit and lime pie. But no, the Key in the title refers to the Key Lime, a lime famous for its location in the Florida Keys (thank you Wikipedia and my friend Alex). I don’t live near the Florida Keys. Or near any Key Limes. This is essentially a lime pie, but hey – film and television is all about suspension of disbelief, so why can’t baking be about it too?

I approached it in my usual manner: meaning I searched Pinterest for Easy Key Lime Pie recipes. I found this one. I also decided to use the crust from this recipe I used for my 30 Rock post. To make it gluten free for my pal Meado, I used gluten free milk arrowroot biscuits.

For this, I used this handy Tupperware contraption called The Extra Chef. It’s great. For some things. Usually I have to break up the biscuits, grind them in this bitch, then transfer into a mortar and pestle and finish the job. But this bitch did it all today – yay! Well, I still had to break up the biscuits, but you know. Small victories and all that. What I recommend is crushing the biscuits and gradually adding the melted butter rather than just dumping it all in. You probably don’t need that recommendation because you’re not an idiot. I may have put too much butter in, anyway. Because SPOILER ALERT I have already tried the pie and the crust was quite hard. That’s what she said. Me. I said that.

It goes in the fridge, FYI. Good times.

Then I whipped the cream.

They say that a murderer makes 25 mistakes but is lucky if they can remember 5. Well, John Grisham said that in a novel. Well, Matt Damon said it in an adaptation of a John Grisham novel I was disappointed by. I did not remember the vital error I made that lead to Meado not being able to try the pie. I’ll reveal it later. For DRAMA.

After that, I made the rest of the filling; lime juice and condensed milk. You’ll notice I used lime juice and a lime because limes. Are. Fucking. Expensive. One cost me $1.66. ONE DOLLAR AND SIXTY-SIX CENTS. What a fucking liberty. So I cheated and used Lime Juice for the filling because it’s cheaper and kept the lime for decoration. I’m not good at decorating. Just a warning.

So I whipped that to what I thought was thick, as the recipe suggested. But as I started folding in the whipped cream something niggled at me but I thought to myself, hey! Who am I to question the authority of the maker of this recipe? I didn’t even know what the hell Key Limes were before I started this adventure.

If you’re better at baking than me, and of course you are, you’ll know what had me a little worried this wouldn’t go very well. What was going to make the filling set? I just assumed that I had to whip the condensed milk and lime longer than I had, perhaps, and there were no comments from other users regarding this issue, so… to quote Grace Helbig... I don’t know. I put it in the fridge and shit.

Oh, and I also added green food colouring because it wasn't green enough for my liking.

After a couple hours, it seemed ok so I made more whipped cream (making the deadly glutinous mistake again), and added it on top. And at the suggestion of the recipe person I grated some dark chocolate on top. Then I sliced the ridiculously expensive lime and added that to this motherfucker.

These look Pinnable as fuck, right?

So when my friend and I (but not Meado) tried it, it was still runny, which we put down to the lack of a setting agent and the weather (it was 33 degrees Celsius, making it officially as hot as a bastard). I did some research (looked at Pinterest again) and found a recipe that was essentially the same, but with the added step of chilling for an hour in the fridge, followed by 2 hours in the freezer. Which I did. Sort of. We put it in the freezer and forgot about it, which is exactly the same thing, is it not?

My housemates now use my name as a verb. To Sallie is to fuck something up not through either being a stupid bitch, stupid clumsy bitch, or a basic bitch (which I totally am. I did a Buzzfeed quiz. The results were… disheartening), but through a small moment of forgetfulness that means I miss an important step during my process. So I guess you could say I Sallied this pie twice – through not freezing the pie, and by making it unsafe for Meado to eat. I double-Sallied. Actually, this blog is testament to me Sallie-ing things. Rather than being sad about it, I actually quite enjoy my name being used as a verb. To paraphrase Max Blum, using my name as a verb brings me one step closer to being a cultural icon, which is one of my dreams. The other is to be Mindy Kaling. Or to have my cat love me.

So enjoy this pie. Don’t Sallie it like I did. Use your own name as a verb and let it mean, ‘to do something fucking cool as shit.’ Then watch Key and Peele. It’s fucking cool as shit.

I also got this ahmahzing birthday gift from my pals!

And this little guy to warm my house with!

Oh, wait – DRAMA. So when Meado arrived I informed her the pie was gluten free. Well, I was pretty sure, but I checked with her just in case. Whipped cream = safe. Dark chocolate = safe. Lime juice and condensed milk = safe. Biscuits and butter = safe. Oh, but wait, I used icing sugar in the whipped cream because I’m lazy and it doesn’t take as long if you do that…. Safe? Well, it really depends on the brand. What brand did I use? NOT A GLUTEN FREE ONE.

At first I thought it was only the whipped cream on top. So I scraped that off one of the individual ones, made gluten free whipped cream and added that on top. Luckily before she went to eat it, though admittedly it would’ve been pretty cool if I’d remembered just as she went to eat it and I knocked it out of her hands just in time, I remembered it was also in the whipped cream in the filling. Fail. No pie for Meado.

My reputation as a gluten free expert is now shattered. Well, more shattered than when I tried to give her a Malteser bunny for Easter. I also smashed one of those glass ramekins during the making of the pie. A quadruple Sallie. Good god, I’m a human disaster.

[salliecinnamon]

Indicator of how old I am: I refer to a 30 year old as a young person. #screenwriting

[salliecinnamon]

Six Degrees of Kevin Bakin'

I'm not sorry about the pun. It's the name of my Baking pinboard on Pinterest and its genius has not been recognised enough.

So this week I baked at my new place for the first time and it went decidedly well. And by well I meant that it all went wrong but somehow was still delicious as fuck. But I didn't document any of it, so you have absolutely no proof. Maybe I'm making all of this up. Maybe I'm made up. Maybe we're all made up. To quote that great philosopher Poppy Moore, who are we?

Anyway. I decided to make chocolate cupcakes with Nutella buttercream because YO-fucking-LO. Also I had most of the ingredients at home, meaning I didn't have to buy whole bunch of junk. I mean... I still did, but... I didn't have to.

I used this recipe here. Note that one of the reviews of the recipe is troll-like and unnecessary. Don't hate, people reviewing recipes. But if you will insist, the person who shared the recipe should do as Taylor Swift suggests and shake it off.

What normal people do with recipes is follow them. Or think of the recipe as a great foundation with which to build on. Or at least look at them. I chose instead to just dump all of the ingredients into a bowl and mix together.  Then I realised I had done it all wrong and decided to fix it by chopping up some leftover Crunchie biscuits and mix them in with the batter.

So it didn't work perfectly like Perfect Strangers. I overfilled the cupcake liners and as they rose the sugar did something that made them look more like muffins and also made the top sort of crunchy like a really soft cookie. It also made the bottoms quite soft as the bits I mixed in seemed to just settle down there. So the top is crunchy and the bottom is moist. That's what she said?

The nearest shop didn't have icing sugar and I couldn't be fucked walking to another one that did, so I looked up buttercream recipes that didn't use icing or powdered sugar. Ahhh, the creative process: researching and experimenting because I'm trying to avoid physical exercise. That's how all the great artists did it, I'm sure.

After a little searching I found this one. This recipe sounded perfect. And by perfect I mean 'it kept me from having to go outside again.'

I substituted Nutella for the honey (which in turn was substituted for icing sugar) and initially decided to forego the cocoa, and set to mixing it up and shit. It literally tasted like Nutella and butter, so I added the cocoa and some honey to taste. And then a fuck ton more Nutella. To taste. I also tasted some from the jar. Then that buttercream was down to clown. Ready to be downed by this clown anyway.

I slapped some of the buttercream on top of the cupcakes and waited anxiously for my flatmates to come home and eat them and validate my existence. Which they did! Yay!

It made about 12 but there is now only two left. So I photographed them.

Now there's only one left.

I don't know why I chose the most wonkus of the two to photograph on its own. To be honest they all looked like that.

The link to television is even more tenuous than my previous post. I think I was binge-watching 30 Rock while baking?

But never fear! Or fear! Because my next post will be TV-related and sooner than this one was!

Probably.

[salliecinnamon]

The Plastics

I had a Tupperware party today and in the spirit in which it was created the theme was 1950s Housewife.

So I decided that the foods I would provide must be 50s/retro also. First inspiration: Pineapple Upside Down Cake.

As is my custom I searched for easy (or children's) recipes on Pinterest and found this delightful one (that is actually one for kids - the blogger used it because her daughter had been asking if she could make a cake with her. Sah cyut. I am so clucky, you guys. Like, if you have an adorable, well-adjusted pre-teen or even pre-tween, can I have them? Or a baby I can mould into said pre-teen or tween?).

The recipe was pretty easy! The only things I changed were:

- I left out the cornmeal. Because I didn't have any.

- I used self-raising flour instead of plain flour and baking powder. Because I didn't have any plain flour.

What went wrong was my cake pan is obviously smaller than the one used in the recipe. I couldn't lay the pineapple rings flat and the butter and brown sugar mixture was very thick. Also I used black cherries instead of maraschino cherries, so it all went pretty dark when cooked, like the time Jessica Wakefield dyed her hair brown in Sweet Valley High. It made the cake look a little burnt and dare I say it, slightly depressing. Also the cake broke apart where one of the pineapples was sitting. Damn.

Here's the Instagrammed version:

One of the Associate Directors at work reminded me of another retro  staple: sponge cake with jam and fresh cream.

So because my best mate made sponge cake sound really hard I just bought two 75 cent vanilla cake mixes, and a jar of blackcurrent jam. Then I made a chantilly cream by combining thickened cream and icing sugar and mixing the fuck out of them with an electric mixer. I also dumped in some vanilla essence. It was so dope.

I put the jam and cream in between the two cakes then put a shit-ton of cream on top, then topped it off with some raspberries and strawberries.

Done, son.

I have to add that this photo was taken post-party and I had already tried a piece. After comparing the two vanilla cakes (the pineapple upside down cake used a simple vanilla cake as well), I decided the pineapple upside down cake was the winner of cake things. The cream and jam was excellent, but the packet mixes just weren't as good. Not as fluffy or as strong a flavour.

And what retro party would be complete without these bad boys?

I also had French Onion dip. I could not find corn relish. What the actual fuck?

My lovely friend Amy also made some delicious slices: cherry ripe and peppermint. Gluten free and so tasty my brother, who is very rude about gluten intolerances (one might say intolerant of gluten intolerance. Ahem), liked the peppermint slice. He had another piece after being told it was gluten free. And that's a big deal, guys.

I also devoted myself to making fine ass cakes for birthdays at work this month and my first challenge was a Clementine cake, as seen in The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. I realised, too late, I could make a post out of it - my first movie post! But I've been sick in the guts ever since I made the damn thing and now even the thought of it makes me feel even queasier. Just writing that and my stomach has decided I'm John Hurt from Alien.

I also remembered, too late, that I was going to make the Pineapple Upside Down cake a post for Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I'll explain why later. Or will I? Now that I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT TO MAKE NOW.

Anyway, I highly recommend taking an ironic attitude toward Tupperware. I now have a 50s Spotify playlist that kicks arse, yo. And containers and shit. Tupperware is kind of like Lego. There's definitely a sort of statement on the patriarchy there, women being conditioned to put away toys that encourage  structural and architectural thinking and focus it into improving their home. I don't know. The containers are pretty. And they make it sound my life would be so much better if I could put everything in pretty containers.

[salliecinnamon]

Amazon.com: A Sense of Community: Essays on the Television Series and Its Fandom (9780786475902): Ann-Gee Lee: Books

I contributed a chapter to this most excellent collection of essays on Community. Sadly there will not be six seasons and a movie.

My chapter is called 'My Dinner with Andre/Our Dinner with Abed: Genre and the Audience.' Also look out my friend's chapter called 'Feminist and Postfeminist Discourses: Reading the Britta Problem.' IT'S SO CHILL, Y'ALL.

[salliecinnamon]

Passionfruit cupcakes, in honour of True Detective

I'm back like the proverbial Backstreet after a rather long hiatus. Blame Optus and Telstra, y'all. Basically I've been without home internet since late March and with absolutely no hyperbole it was the worst time of my life. Ok, that was a lot of hyperbole. It was all hyperbole. So this was the post I was on the brink of bringing to y'all when the Internet went away. I can't really be bothered editing it because most of my jokes 1000 years old anyway - I'm a big player in the zeitgaffe most of the time. So enjoy! Or not. What do I care?

So I’ve been trying to do a True Detective post since I finished watching it. Ok, so that hasn’t been that long. Like two weeks or something. Because I don’t know about y’all, but when I think of True Detective I think of cupcakes.

It’s been a while, but trust me – it will be worth it. Jokes! It’s never worth it. I’ve been working full time and it has been pretty busy. A feature screenplay I wrote is a finalist in the Hollywood Horror Fest screenwriting competition, which is simultaneously awesome and a little embarrassing because I’ve since discovered errors in it. But it’s held at the New Beverly cinema in LA so I’m also sad I can’t go and get the inevitable news that I am not a winner. At least I could see some awesome movies and meet awesome filmmakers in an awesome cinema. [Update: I didn't win. Of course.]

For those who have never heard of True Detective, it’s a show about detectives. Ahem. In 2012 two detectives are investigating a murder, which leads to interviewing two former detectives, Rustin Cohle and Marty Hart, who worked on an eerily similar case in 1993. From there, we follow the case and the relationship between Cohle and Hart and the ways in which their lives are changed by the case and their inner demons.

It’s another series that is riveting and interesting and presents a fresh take on old material, namely the mystery/crime drama. It’s a strange series – the haunting landscape lends itself well to Cohle’s nihilistic ramblings and Hart’s restless, jaded attitude to his career and personal life. And it’s told so simply that this too is almost unnerving – there are no unexpected crackpot twists. Only two men working through their issues via a case that eluded them for 17 years. On the one hand it’s a tried and tested formula (based on ‘true detective’ pulp fiction), but offers so much more in the way of cinematography, performance, and character development. It walks such a fine line with the audience as well. In terms of the mystery plot, there’s a perfect balance between the suspense of learning information at the same time as the protagonists, and the tension when we learn something just before they do. The final episode was such an odd experience – if you’re expecting crazy twists or a particularly dark and depressing end you’ve come to the wrong place. If you’re looking for organic resolution and a sliver of hope, you’ll enjoy it. The danger in which Cohle and Hart find themselves in the finale is also rather interesting. The vulnerability of Cohle and eventually Hart is depicted in a way usually reserved for Final Girls in horror films in a lot of ways. Along with Will Graham in Hannibal, it makes for interesting viewing when the male detective’s particular quirks, ones that usually lends themselves to solving crime, actually opens them up to suspicion. Meanwhile if you watch something like The Fall, the detective’s competence leads her to the killer, just as Marty’s (finally) clear head leads him to the vital clue allowing them to nail down the killer while it leads Cohle to what seems to be certain death.

It certainly helps that season one’s leads are excellent performers. Who knew McConaughey would end up with ‘Academy Award Winner’ in front of his name? And Woody Harrelson is just plain awesome. They’re simultaneously an odd choice and a perfect choice. I forget Harrelson is just as good at character stuff as he is at comedy and goofy stuff. And McConaughey… well, it may be that his previous work is so shit anything halfway decent is such a shock he’s handed awards, or it’s that his choices conceal how much he throws himself into a role. I’ve always been partial to him. I wouldn’t go so far as to watch Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, but hey… everyone secretly loves How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. And he’s Wooderson. I mean, come on. Come on. [Update: I saw Dallas Buyer's Club. It's fucking incredible]

Because genre is my Jam I love anything that provides a perfect blend of convention and subversion and I think writer and creator Nic Pizzolatto has done a thoroughly good job with the first season. I also think it’s a rather clever idea to create an anthology series. Mostly because criticisms of the first series can be addressed rather neatly. And here’s where I talk about what I find a little irritating about the series. One of my BFFs is researching television and feminism and the way definitions of 'quality television' seemed gendered (i.e.- The Sopranos is the birth of amazing television and Sex and the City had some good outfits. Grrr). She researches and thinks a lot of really interesting things because she’s awesome and we nerd out together about TV and she pointed out that she’s sick of watching television series applauded for depicting men behaving badly and treating women like massive hurdles when they don’t approve of the male protagonist’s behaviour. And though I do enjoy some of these series (Breaking Bad and True Detective in particular), she has an entirely valid point. These series feature flawed men who usually treat women like shit. And the women themselves, even if their characters seem fully realised, don’t feature too heavily unless they’re fucking with their husband’s shit. Hart’s wife puts up with his cheating until she decides to pay him back in a very cold and hurtful way. Does he deserve it? Probably, yeah. Does she look like a cold bitch for doing it? Unfortunately, yes. Similarly, Skyler White is considered by many to be really irritating. For what? For catching her husband lying and manufacturing drugs, a move which puts his entire family at risk. Lori Grimes – actually, you know what? Lori Grimes was a pain in the hole. But so is everyone on The Walking Dead now.

I also have to confess I recently stopped watching House of Cards because it was bumming me out that Frank and Claire Underwood are mostly heinous and anyone with a moral compass is fucked up and in some cases murdered. It was genuinely making me sad. Like, deep down. It happens just a little too often in the real world that good people are pushed aside by nasty, selfish people and that processes are put in place entirely because one person didn’t get their way. Ergh, too close to homefront right now. Anyway. Where was I?

Could this series have been done with two female detectives? What would their journey across the 17 years look like? How would their obsession with the case reveal itself? Will we be able to understand everything they say? We don’t know. But we might next season. Pizzolatto apparently hinted at two female leads in season two and I sincerely hope so. It’s not completely ridiculous to think that people won’t watch a film or television series featuring women that isn’t about finding love. Just ask Sandy Bullock and Melissa McCarthy. Or my girl Cate Blanchett. WHO JUST WON A MOTHERFUCKING OSCAR.

Anyway, CUPCAKES.

So murderous fiends referred to only as the Yellow King need their own baked good, right? That’s what I thought too!

So I got to thinking about yellow cupcakes and fondant crowns because I just kick so much arse at that shit now.

I’ve made banana cupcakes, and I felt just plain butter ones with yellow food colouring would be boring and I’ve made a lemon flavoured treat before too. But what about Passionfruit? I guess it kind of works – the show’s about desire and misplaced passion and whatever, so it’s sort of – you know what, I just hadn’t made passionfruit shit before. So I did my usual Pinterest search for ‘easy passionfruit cupcakes’ and found this easy peasy lemon squeezy recipe.

Here’s how I did some of it!

I added food colouring to make it more yellow. You know, because when you use fresh ingredients instead of essence for the first time you don’t want people to know.

On to the frosting. So I ran out of icing sugar on account of we get bugs. This isn’t just a thing that happens in Australia. I live near a bushy type area and I have pets so the combination of the two attracts stupid bugs. And shit. So I thought caster sugar would be a simple enough substitute. IT’S NOT, GUYS. It took me about ten minutes of mixing to determine this. And a text message from a friend saying ‘you can’t substitute icing sugar with caster sugar.’ Well.

So I got the damn icing sugar. And predictably that went well. The pulp had to be seedless which was super annoying but whatever I strained the shit out that pulp with a tea strainer.

Done! Now on to that motherfucking fondant. It was so unruly last time with the Doctor Who bowtie cupcakes.

The first one’s always shit.

And the other seven.

I rolled the fondant out after I dusted the bench with icing sugar and then brushed any bits off with vodka. My friend taught me that. Also look how cool my vodka bottle is! Yes, I used Crystal Head vodka to clean my stupid ass fondant crowns. I also drank a lot of it on New Years too, you guys. Ok, a little bit of it. In some cocktails.

So there you have it – Yellow King cupcakes for your child’s True Detective-themed birthday party. The kids will think it’s Where The Wild Things Are or whatever, and the mums probably won’t know what it is, either. But the dads probably will. But they probably won’t be there. And they probably don’t like passionfruit anyway. Ok, so don’t serve them at a kids party.

True Detective image source: Twang Nation

[salliecinnamon]

[salliecinnamon]

The Pie Hole

The Pie Hole is Ned's pie shop. The pies are baked and served by Ned and his employees...