september prompt 003 this prompt contains academic pressure, parental neglect, family conflict, invalidation of illness, mentions of alcohol, drugs and references to self-destructive behaviour.
idiotidiotidiot
mum and dad are going to kill me when they see the report. it’s not even that bad, could’ve done worse, could’ve done better- but that stupid 70% in maths is going to blow everything up.
i should call them. warn them. maybe that’d soften the blow. or maybe it won’t.
i haven’t even gone home yet. i’ve just been pacing around the gym for thirty minutes. any second now the coach will kick me out.
i pick up the phone from my pocket and stare at the screen, it goes dark after a few seconds. The urge to throw the damn thing across the gym hits hard.. i slip the phone back in my pocket and sigh.
it was going so well, school and all that. no one batter a fucking eye at what i was doing on the weekend or after school, even before school, they didn't care if i was even at home the majority of the time… well, they didn't know, but i guess they didn't care was at equal weight. it didn't matter, i was going to get grounded by the end of the day.
"aren't you gonna leave minhyun? gotta close the gym, go pace round the school yard." coach kim's voice is way too loud, way too obnoxious but i smile back in his vague direction.
"yeah coach" i say as i make my way to my backpack, which takes me fucking ages to locate, was i that anxious when i came in? it takes me a few minutes, too fucking long really, it had fallen under one of the benches. i throw my phone inside, quickly to ignore any and all issues if they decided to ring.
"sorry coach, going now." i call as i quicken my pace, any and all conversations with coach kim were gonna be horrible right about now, and getting out of his line of sight was best. he says something, huffs under his breath, something about the younger generation not being respectuf enough and i've known the guy long enough, yet , i can't tell if he was joking or not.
"i am so getting grounded."
i, funny enough, do not get grounded. upon seeing my parents when i get back home. if anything, i don't think they even noticed i got back home late. soojin had gotten a good grade on the maths test and dongho wasn't feeling that well. so my parents? yeah, they didn't really greet me when i came back home later than usual. i wasn't asked about school, i wasn't even questioned if i did the same test as my sister. i was.. left to my own accords. of course, that's how it had been for a while. that's how it has been for years actually. why did i think a drop in my grade, on a single grade on a single test would have caused any issues? i don't know.
stupidstupidstupid
i don't even show up for dinner once i'm in my room. mum doesn't bother and even when soojin knocks on the door and tell me it's ready, i tell her i will eat later. when would later be? i don't know. it didn't matter in the long run, nothing mattered the past few years. since dongho was born and soojin was doing so well in archery, jongho was already doing well in college. what did it matter how i did?
i don't show up for tea and i don't get asked if i want a lift to school the next day. i show up at the usual time and just get in the car. bonus points if my dad isn't on the phone today, but it seems like there would be no morning small talk.. at least soojin is keeping me company. she always has.
wonder if it gets tiring dealing with me..
***
the light in my room gets turned on, but what's worse if my mum's voice ringing so loud in my head right now.
"you need to get up, minhyun." she's using that stern voice whenever she is annoyed at me or whenever i inconvenience her. i bury my face further into my pillow, pull the duvet over my head because it might just explode.
"i don't feel well."
"yes you do, come on." the duvet gets torn from my grip and pulled off me. with a sigh i roll over and crack an eye open. if i felt nauseous before, the bright light and the disappointed look on my mum's face are enough to make me actually sick.
"i have a migraine, i'm have a fever." i manage, a vague gesture to the nightstand with the meds i had managed to drag back from the kitchen cupboard and the thermometer. i can't remember when i last checked it, time was a social construct right now and all i knew about it was that i was running late for school. "said… 38.9 a few hours ago."
"minhyun, come on, you need to get up and get to school. you can't get out of it." my mum's hand wraps around my arm and she does her best to pull me up, so i oblige, despite the swimming feeling in my head and stomach. it's the usual, its how it always goes. i'm always fine, i am so many things to them that i am not.
liarliarliar
she's rummaging through my wardrobe, she's getting the uniform out.
"mum, i-" my voice cracks, my throat feels so tight and dry "i'm really not feeling well." i feel the tears start building "i don't want to do this mum, can i-"
"you need to grow up minhyun, you can't keep using a small flu as an excuse." she's coming back with that stupid uniform as i reach up and rub at my eyes.
gonna get yelled at for crying, for lying-
"mum," that's soojin's voice coming from somewhere at the door. she's been watching, i know she has, i don't want to look at her. "i don't feel that well either." she's lying, and i know why she is lying.
lying for my sake.
"come here soojinnie." our mum calls, the slippers pat closer to my bed and all i can do is cover my face with my hands.
i can't even look at her-
"you seem a bit hot." i feel my mum's hand on my shoulder, moving my hands from my face and her ice cold fingers finds my forehead "god, minhyun, you're burning up-" i feel even more tears coming as i finally open my eyes, looking at soojin "get back in bed, i'll get you some more meds."
i can't thank her, i can't break this lie she has been keeping up for years now, but mum is pushing me back into bed doesn't help the migraine or the nausea, doesn't help the guilt i feel every single time soojin has to lie for me to be even remotely taken seriously.
***
"you need to get a grip, minhyun." my dad's voice is also annoying, for a variety of reasons. i had been a while since i had been sat down at the dinner table, lectured about life and how i was wasting mine away. in reality, they weren't wrong. different party every other day, different city on the weekends, in a different country if people were organizing something. alcohol wasn't the only thing at those parties, but they didn't need to know that. soojin barely knew what i was up to, but her lies to keep my act straight helped.
i am aware, this isn't the best way i should live my life but here we are.
this has been my life for a few years now.
"you have to go to uni." i can't help but roll my eyes and that obviously strikes a nerve with my dad. i look over to my mum. she isn't participating in the conversation, not yet.
"i don't know what i want to do in order to go to uni." i say, looking back at my dad. it was obvious she was there for damage control, in case we go too loud, too vulgar, just so dongho didn't get to hear us arguing. "it's pointless to go to uni dad, i'd much rather find a job."
"no, you'd much rather keep going downhill, ruin your life and leech of us." he bites back, he's spot on.
i sink back in my seat, like a teenager about to get grounded yet again for breathing the wrong way around them. not that i was ever grounded, not that they cared enough about how i did. but yes, my dad isn't lying when he says i would much rather not do anything, keep out of trouble and get money from them. heck, if they knew what i wanted, why were we having this conversation?
"what changed your tune? you were fine until about two weeks ago that i didn't want to go to uni and i didn't want to waste my time with a degree i won't use?" i huff back at him, arms folding over my chest.
"because we said so, because we will pay for your university degree and you will go and get one. if you don't want to pick anything, we will pick for you." my father finally stops pacing around the dining room, i glance back at my mum, brow raised. she turns her head away from me.
so that's how it was gonna be.
"sure, whatever you say. i'd like to see you try. apply for me, lets see how that goes." i get up, it's only the start of the argument, yet i have had enough "suddenly interested in my future? that's such bullshit-"
"watch your language!" my mum speaks, for the first time since this conversation started.
"oh fuck off mum, like you give two flying fucks about what i do with my future." i turn to her, i have crossed a line. i only catch the way my dad moves towards me from the corner of my eye. so i step back, ignore the way the chair drags its legs over the floors and tips over as i make sure to keep my distance away from him. thank god the fucking table was stupidly big so my dad couldn't reach over.
"don't you dare speak to your mother like that!"
"like you are any different than her! like any of you gave a shit about me for since soojin got good at archery and especially since dongho was born." i hiss through gritted teeth at my dad as he does his absolute best to get a hold of me around the table. my mum, so far, makes no other attempt to get join the argument. doesn't try to calm my dad either, if anything, she takes an extra step back, giving us more space to go in circles round the table like some lunatics. my dad almost trips up on the fallen chair and i do my absolute fucking best to not laugh.
"enough." he says, but i only stop when he does, and even then, i make sure to keep my distance. he's not happy, at all, it's easy to tell, the way his face is red, but i'm unsure if it's anger or if it's the running. probably both.
"do you hate me that much? why is it always yelling, and screaming and demanding-" i have to take a deep breath, not because i want to, because i have to "you never cared, you don't even care now, you just don't want a deadbeat son like the deadbeat parents that you are-" i can hear my mum gasp. she speaks up, tries to cut me off, to stop this "you never cared dad, neither of you were ever there for me because soojin had a competition, because dongho had a play going on, because jongho had some event, you guys never fucking cared what i did, why do you care now?" i'm sure, i'm so sure i'm seeing red and the tears aren't helping it at all. don't get me wrong, i love my siblings, i really do, i'd do so much for them, but it's not easy to get the point across.
i have to breathe through it.
"i love them," i don't love you two "really, i really really do love all three of them, but why do they matter so much more than me? why do i exist only when it interferes with your ideals?" i rub some of the tears away, my vision clears a bit but the silence from them is deafening. i can see my mum's hand covering her mouth, she's shocked, who wouldn't be. i move my gaze to my dad, he's still red in the face but he looks upset.
notenoughnotenoughnotenough
"do you know my favourite colour? or my best subject at school? do you even know about any of my friends? i had a falling out with jaehyun a while back, we still don't talk-" i'm saying too much and i really need to stop, i can't "i really can't dad, i really can't keep up this act anymore. i don't know what you want from me, i never did. i don't want to go to university."
i see your parents do something for everyone else, and how can i not wonder where did i go wrong?
the pause is long and silence stretches.
"you're going to university and you are getting a degree. otherwise, you will be disowned."
***
i am very much aware this was the most important event of soojin's archery career by far. she doesn't seem as nervous as i feel, but how can i not be? the crowd is quiet, i have a feeling i am breathing too loud as we all wait for her to take the shot.
"take the fucking shot soo.." i mutter under my breath and i can feel my mother's eyes burning holes at the side of my head.
i am not invited to family gatherings.
for many reasons, at this point i have lost count about how many things our parents have said i am not allowed to go. not that i ever wanted to. fancy galas, tacky suits and ties, talks about things i couldn't care less… even family events i didn't have high hopes for, who wanted the black sheep of the family there to begin with?
this however, this was different. i always came to soojin's events, even if our parents made it evidently clear they would much rather not associate with me for a while now. but, soojin chose who to invite and i chose when to show up. who wouldn't show up for their big twin sister?
"come on soo.." she's pulling at the string, close to her chest like she always does. she's taking her sweet time, like always. i know her thought process, i know she is waiting for whatever nerves she has to calm down, it takes different time each shot she takes, but this was the big deal.
it all happens within a split second, when she lets go of the string and i hold my breath and she hits the centre.
"let's go!" the crowd roars in union, my voice gets lost in it, but it doesn't matter. soojin is happy and she brings home another gold medal.