#scottish patter

[unashamedly-glaswegian]

Just a legend spouting truths

[jerry-hornes-foot]

Been seeing a lot of patter about Scotland on here recently, like non Scottish folk sharing Scottish memes/videos/news

So if any of my non Scots mutuals want a taste of #scottishculture boy oh boy have I made the mix for you lmao

[unashamedly-enthusiastic]

[fluffy-fedora-blue]

Just heard the best insult of my life “away aff yer high horse afore a turn it intae glue tae stick yer failing mairriage back the gether”

How do you respond to that????

[scotianostra]

Gorgeous chops 😂😂😂

[whaat-does-love-mean]

Aw av been gettin today is these news reports aboot Corona light beer virus and am like mate fuckin bring it, wits it gonnae dae, kill us? Aye gid wAn twat mibi a awready want to die ever thoat aboot that, fuckin Mon then cunt!!!

[scottishgal]

Basically 🙃

[thepartsyoullneversee]

So today I had ma first proper fucked up thing happen with drugs that has actually scared me a wee bit but obviously no that much since I’ll be oot my wee banger again in 4 days time but aye, anywho, so we were all seshin over the weekend n it got tae Sunday everyone’s dying aff slowly but surely making their way hame so I thought to masel fuck it git yer arse in gear an git yersel in a 10 minute taxi up the road, after all I was the last man standing, as per usual. So books the taxi n goes about gettin ma shit together and ma nose starts to get itchy.. my eye catches the plate on the table with what can only be described as the mother fuckin daddy slugs of all slugs that I’d previously thought would make a good el night cap.

My phone buzzes - the taxis outside.

Everythings packed, only thing empty is my nose and my baggy and wallet if I had tae leave this phenomenal Special K on the plate to waste so like any other cunt, I hunkered doon, squared up the slug wae ma el school Reilly’s pool hall card, picked up the straw and after 6 full whack snorts it was finally all gone. Nae mare..all I had to do was get masel fae the front door tae the taxi and oot the other side. Oh I fuckin made it right into that taxi right but that’s where the story begings my friend. That’s where it all properly begins…

So it’s yer usual chat where ye goin? How ye dain? And so on right so a tell him where am goin and he’s still talkin away n I’m sat there thinking tae masel it’s takin me fuckin ages to answer masel in ma own heed tae the point a was near stoppin n start goin fuckin backwards let alone process anything this guy’s sayin to me. Aw a want is ma bed and ma burd fur a cuddle eae a big fat spliff y'know? So aye I’m no even in the car 2 minutes - like we are literally aboot 5 streets away from the hoose he picked me up at and still another 3.4 miles tae the destination tae go - and aw I can feel masel starting to phase right oot so a take oot ma phone n open up ma camera - fuck knows why.

Then the next thing I know I see the polis station tae ma left which is about 2 miles away fae ma hoose where he was supposed to drap me aff and the taxi drivers geein it he’s takin me to the polis station. Now bare in mind I’ve absolutely nae clue what’s happened and why or how long I’d been in his motor for so I start trying tae ask why he’s takin me tae the polis station when he knew the address I was going tae, I have more than enough cash on me tae cover the journey cause its never any mare than £7 for the 10/15 minute journey so wit the fuck happened in the last roughly 30 minutes to make him take me tae the polis rather than ma ain hoose. So trying to figure it oot whilst tryin tae find words fae somewhere tae ask wit was goin oan and fuck knows where fae a tell ye, but I managed tae find and get oot 3 words tae him “why the polis?” while waving two tenner notes tae him like hulloo av goat yer money wits the issue? It’s only 7 quid av goat 20 here? Taxi driver pulls up ootside the station, turns the engine aff takes aff his seatbelt n turns n looks at me n goes

“Hi hen welcome back don’t worry yer no in any harm or anythin you just got in the motor n ye completely spaced oot. Ye couldny string a sentence the gither n couldny even tell me yer name. Ye awrite? Wit did ye take? A took ye tae the drap aff address but when I asked ye for the cash ye just sat startin at yer hons like ye had nothin so ye couldny pay the fair n ye wur in absolutely nae fit state to be papped oot at a door step that I didny even know if ye had keys intae or that so I thought I would drive slowly round the long way fae the drap aff address tae the polis station tae gee ye time tae come round before we made any decisions and thankfully ye have y'know hen. Ye had me a bit worried so ye did.”

Noo am literally still phasing in n oot tryin tae take in everythin this blokes sayin and in ma ain heed tryin tae figure oot wit the fucks went oan but slowly but surely I pull words fae ma arse n still speaking slower than Steven Hawkins did, I start tae proper apologise tae the guy lit mate am so so fuckin sorry man I thought I woulda made it back tae the flat in time. Obviously that wisny the case here but i dae have yer money I have mare than enough look…See?? Can ye please just take me hame am aw good like I just need ma scratcher y'know? Thats if ye’ll still have me of course?“

Taxi driver gees it the whack a questions one by one like he’s been here done it aw before

Him: "Right so ye know yer no in any harm or that aye? ” Me: “aye”

Him: “And ye have came back too a wee bit noo aye?” Me: “Aye”

Him: “ And ye just wanty go hame n ye’ve definitely goat keys tae get intae the hoose aye?” Me: “Aye, that’s right aye please if ye could buddy.”

Him “Right hen just you take yer time n comin back round I’ll get ye up the road the noo. So what did ye take if ye dont mind me askin?”

Me: “awh driver am so sorry bud I really am. I eh took some gold ol Special K before I go in the motor”

Him: “Awh fur fuck sake hen. Ye need to watch yersel with these things noo a days. Ye dunno what yer gettin”

Me: “awk it was definitely ket got a good guy fur it y'know? Was just really fuckin bangin and was a big daddy slugger line I took”

Him: “aye hen I’ve had a few ae them masel yer that used tae such good shit that yer surprised it could be even better than usual y'know?”

Me: “Exactly mate. Exactly. Here mate thank you so much for being so reasonable n puttin up wae ma shit I hope I wisny a cunt or anythin tae you I’m so fuckin sorry if I was”

Him: “ naw hen ye were awrite honestly was just worried aboot ye. I seen yer wee eyebaws flicker when I first mentioned the polis I could see that wis the thing that if anything it would be the thing that would get ye back tae normality so I just kept sayin it to ye on the way to the polis station so ye knew wit was happenin and where ye were goin but yer aw good noo yer almost hame ye can get in tae yer pit n right intae la la Land.”

After aboot 10 minutes of back and forth chat and what felt like the fuckin worlds most longest taxi journey I was finally back at the original drap aff address. My ain hoose. Driver then stated the damage £14.50 for the near 9 mile trip round a part of Glesga - that's a 12 minute journey turned into a 40 minute journey so obviously I handed him the £20 n telt him tae keep the change for being such a fuckin true decent human being n a proper gentleman towards a young lassie alone in a vulnerable, albeit self inflicted state.

Might no be a lot of cash I gave him extra but am no minted n it wis aw I had oan me cause well let’s face it this stories aboot basically traveling another completely fantasy world/planet in the comfort of a Glesga Hampden taxi on St Paddy’s weekend.

Before I get oot the motor he makes me look out my keys so I know where they are. Make sure I have ma phone and any wallets or money too and lastly but no least tae look after masel and please don’t ever take ket before gettin in a taxi again cause that was fuckin scary hen. Everywan needs their blow oots but just be careful awrite? I’m glad yer awrite noo so goan get intae yer hoose feed yer animals and git tae yer bed and have a big spliff"

Me: “I canny thank ye enough driver yer a life saver and that is literally the case the day. You saved my life. I could have got intae any motor. It could have been any cunt driving the motor and bmmpphh before ye know it people are looking back to where I was last seen rather than lookin forward to where I should be goin yknow? Anyway thank you again man you truly are a legend n shook his hon for like the 50th time and wished him a happy days work an all the best in his future life n that I’ll definitely take this wae me.”

Oot the motor I go and stagger and fumble my way against the wind intae the building, up in the lift n spend a further 20 minutes trying tae get intae ma own hoose cause none ae the keys would fuckin work cause they were aw like marshmallow flumps and just wouldny go intsa the lock to the point I threw a pathetic tantrum and until a recent moment of clarification (I’m still hazy as fuck it’s only been like 7 hours since this happened) I have come to the realization I actually just sobered up enough for the keys to look like keys and tae pick the right key and get the door open before swiftly falling back in tae an unnatural coma state instead of actually “sweet talking” ma keys into one of them to miraculously stop being flumps and in fact be keys and open the door like I thought I had…

Noo am lying in ma bed still hazy as fuck writing aw this oot for absolutely nae reason but tae remind masel an important lesson…

Don’t leave the hoose on ket until yer a bit mare wae it and definitely no after a mother fuckin daddy slug..

Anyways until next time.. 👁️