#screw normal

[sanssweethelloffeels]

As Jonathan Byers would say:

[thescrumblingmidwife]

So I actually have a separate hymen and want to talk a little about it and ask a question.

I first started my period at 12, and that was no big deal. It was always spaced out by about 6 months. But when I started synchronized swimming and water polo, it became a problem. I had tried to use tampons, but my body just wouldn't let me. My mom kept telling me I must've been too tensed up. Finally, when I was 15, I was able to use one so I could go to a pool party.

Party ended, I got home, tried to change the tampon...

And I couldn't.

I kept trying to remove it, but it felt like it was caught on something. So my mom and I went to the ER and the lady who helped me was very kind and suggested I use sports tampons due to how they absorb and open up.

A few other instances of things feeling like they got "hooked" on something and finally feeling around, I realized there was that extra tissue there.

Even with tampons that don't unfurl like a massive block of cotton, it still hurts and takes me a few tries to remove tampons, but the problem is that I'm terrified of surgery. I know it would improve my quality of life in regards to menstruation, but I don't know how to broach the topic with family (fyi I am an adult, but still live with my parents and I am unable to drive) or my doctor.

Do you have any advice on how to bring it up and what to expect/how to not be so nervous?

Also, apologies for the long ask!

Hi Anon!

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us!

I will share one with you: I also had a septate hymen, and I know exactly what you're talking about with the pain of tampon use. I lived with it for years - even managing to have sex around it, until one day it finally snapped, causing a lot of bleeding and pain. The result was a lot of scar tissue, that caused painful intercourse for years. All of which I thought was completely normal, because no one ever told me otherwise. When I finally had the procedure (called a "hymenotomy") to remove the extra tissue, it changed my life.

Because I had that experience, I can also tell you what will happen with a hymenotomy. I hope reading this will help ease your anxiety:

You'll go to the facility where your doctor performs procedures (may be a hospital, outpatient clinic, or surgical center). You'll be asked to put on a gown and sit on a gurney. They'll probably cover you in warm blankets. A nurse will give you an IV. Then, they will either wheel or walk you down to the procedure room. You'll be asked to sit on a high table, and probably to scoot your bottom close to the edge. Your doctor will be there, as well as an anesthetist and a nurse. They will put a mask over your face, and have you count back from 10. You'll get to about 8 or 7 before you get SO TIRED you fall quickly into the best sleep you've ever had. When you wake up, it will be like no time passed, and it will be done. The postprocedure discomfort is pretty mild and can be handled with Tylenol. You may have a couple of stitches, which will either dissolve on their own, or may be the kind the doctor will remove at a follow-up to check your healing. And then you'll never have to worry about snagging tampons ever again!

---

Now, Anon, how to bring it up?

Do you currently see a gynecologic healthcare provider? If not, that's where you need to start. As an adult with a vagina, you should regularly see one for well-woman care and screenings. If you need your parents' help finding one, you don't need to share any information beyond "current best practice guidelines state that I should be receiving gynecologic care and I would like to do so." You're entitled to medical confidentiality, even from parents, even from parents you live with and whose insurance you are on, and who drive you places.

Once you've gotten an appointment with a gynecologic provider, I think you'll find the topic can come up quite naturally. The provider will ask if you have any concerns you want to discuss. You will want to tell a provider about your issues with an obstruction before they perform any kind of exam - and it should be visually obvious to a provider as well. (The provider will always look before touching, and warn you every step of the way). The provider will then have a conversation with you about your options, and give you the information you need to make a decision. She should also be able to help you decide how much you need or want to explain to your parents.

I hope this was helpful to you, and maybe ameliorated a tiny bit of your anxiety. The unknown is so much scarier than the real thing!

[thesoundofmonsters]

[thescrumblingmidwife]

kind of awkward ask but is it normal for the vulva/vagina to smell sort of vinegary? everyone talks about a ‘fishy’ smell as being concerning but idk I feel like nothing should be having an unpleasant smell down there at all

Hi Anon,

I am loving all these "awkward" questions that are just, like Tuesday for me. This is an easy one!

The vagina should have a smell. It is a human body part. Name another human body part that doesn't have a smell. Like, maybe your eyeball? Your skin, hair, ears, mouth, armpits - these all have a smell, and I doubt you'd call it "pleasant." It just is. We don't attach value and shame to the normal odours of other human body parts anywhere near to the degree we do with the vagina. (Yes, western culture does hate body odour generally, but the expectation isn't that you don't have it, just that you do something about it in public).

Let's just start with a quick -

ANATOMY LESSON - HEALTHY VAGINAL BIOME

Like most other parts of the human body, the vagina does not exist in a vacuum. It is a living biome with healthy bacteria and yeasts that live inside of it and are beneficial. Healthy vaginal secretions have a pH range of 3.8-5.0, which is mildly acidic. What else is acidic? Vinegar! That mild vinegar scent you mention is likely just the normal acidity of the secretions doing their thing, protecting that V.

A malodorous (literally - "bad odour") scent comes about when the normal flora is disrupted and you have an overgrowth of "bad" bacteria or yeast. This can come from douching, antibiotic use, intercourse, etc. It can also happen with infection with a sexually transmitted organism. It's not a mildly tangy or musky smell.

---

Now, Anon, you mention an "unpleasant" smell. That's a subjective term, and whether or not vaginal scent in general (or the scent of an individual's healthy vagina) is pleasant to any one person is a subjective matter. Is it possible you just don't much enjoy the scent of vagina? Sure! Vagina is not everyone's cup of tea, as many gay men will attest. It may be something you can come to enjoy, or not. You may discover that you find the scent of some vaginas pleasant and others less so. The important thing is to avoid attaching shame to the idea of vaginal scent, regardless of whether you find it pleasant.

Let's go back to the comparison to body odour. You may be thinking, "Well, OK. I get BO in my armpits, but I use soap and deodorant to stop it." There are a couple of important reasons why this analogy doesn't work.

Overall body odour is detectable by other people generally. Vaginal odour is not. Outside of very exceptional circumstances, your normal vaginal scent is just not going to be detectable by people around you. If someone is intimate with you to the point where they can detect your scent, you deserve respectful treatment and communication, and this person should understand that vaginal odour is normal.

There are no safe vaginal equivalents to deodorant or soap. As I've discussed before, the vagina does not need cleaning. In fact, introducing soap, douches, or fragrances can throw off your normal flora and cause problems and irritation.

LET'S NORMALIZE VAGINAS HAVING A SCENT! It's so normal! Everyone should be taught this, not just people who have vaginas. Anyone wanting to get anywhere NEAR a vagina should know and embrace this.

[thescrumblingmidwife]

is it normal to bleed during your first time if youve already been regularly menstruating and there's no pain?

Hi Anon!

Yes, it is normal, provided it's scant (just a little, for a little while), and it's not painful. Your tissues are stretching for the first time, and you may experience some microtears. These will heal on their own quickly, as the vagina is an incredibly elastic and resilient organ. Some people have a little bleeding, some do not. Either can be normal!

[thescrumblingmidwife]

Anon's 2nd question:

"I was wondering if it’s normal to not be able to use a tampon? I tried several times for years but I psychically cannot :("

Hi again Anon!

I see we are returning again to my least favourite adjective, "normal."

Is it common for a teen to have difficulty inserting a tampon? Well, it's not uncommon for there to be some difficulty with or aversion to the process. There can be a learning curve! No one ever actually shows you how to do it, and it's not like you can easily see what you're doing. The drawings that come on the inserts in the box leave something to be desired. Not to mention, there may be a psychological barrier to inserting something into yourself.

You say you "psychically" cannot. Do you mean that mentally you just can't psych yourself up for it? Because that's ok! You don't have to use tampons. Only 70% of adolescents report using tampons. Not all adults do either. Some people just don't like 'em.

If, however, you mean that you "physically" cannot accomplish this, then I would have some follow-up questions about what's going on when you are trying.

The most likely cause of being unable to insert a tampon is improper technique. I'll walk you through how to do it, and if it's still not working, then it's time to explore some other possibilities.

HOW TO INSERT A TAMPON

Before you start - this should NOT hurt. It might feel "weird" if it's your first few times doing it, but pain is NOT normal. If you feel pain, stop!

Use the smallest size tampon you can find, ideally the kind with a plastic applicator (while you're getting used to it. Later you can use whatever absorption and applicator type you like). U by Kotex have a pretty slim profile.

Empty your bladder and wash your hands.

Stand in front of the toilet, and place one leg up on the seat.

Optional: You can try applying a little bit of lube (KY jelly or even a bit of coconut oil) to the applicator, if your introitus is not self-lubricated. (Usually the menses does the trick itself).

Hold the applicator in your dominant hand like a dart (at the base), and part your labia with your non-dominant hand.

Place the tip of the tampon at the BOTTOM of your vulva/vaginal opening (check the diagrams on older posts to see where the "hole" actually is!). Point it towards your tailbone or lower back. NOT UP. BACK.

Take a deep breath in, then breathe out slowly, bearing down through your bottom as if you are going to pass gas or start to pee. This is how you relax your pelvic floor muscles.

As you are "bearing down," gently slide the applicator into your vagina, towards your tailbone/lower back, until your fingers (gripping the base) touch your vulva. Again, NOT UP! BACK!

Now, still breathing and bearing down, depress the plunger. You should be able to press the plunger all the way before you meet resistance.

Remove the applicator, and give the string a little tug to ensure it's in snugly. It shouldn't have much wiggle, and the bottom of the tampon should not be visible or able to be touched at the opening.

Note: When it comes time to remove the tampon, be sure to practice the same pelvic floor relaxation, almost like you're having a bowel movement. This motion, plus gentle traction on the string, will bring the tampon out.

How to hold the tampon:

How to insert the tampon:

Now, Anon, if you're doing everything I wrote here, including nice big breaths and bearing down, inserting at the bottom of the vagina, pointing towards your tailbone/back, and using lubrication, and it's STILL not going, there could be a few things going on.

The most likely physical possibilities include a hymenal body that covers more of your vaginal opening, or a chronic clenching/spasming of the vaginal muscles called vaginismus. It's also possible, although highly unlikely, that you've got an anatomical variation that makes inserting a tampon tricky. If it matters to you a lot to be able to use tampons, and you would like an expert opinion, please ask your doctor or health care provider!

[theawkwardfanboy]

To me, being called normal is an insult